Friends baby to be.....I don't know what to say!

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by Lisalovesbean, Apr 4, 2009.

  1. Lisalovesbean

    Lisalovesbean Well-Known Member

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    Me and the OH have some friends who are expecting their first baby just three weeks before our 3rd child is due and they were over the moon when they found out as it had taken them a good year or so to get pregnant....anyway my OH last night spoke to his friend and he reported that all was not well after their scan this week....the baby has some internal organs growing outside of its body and also has brain damage and a genetic problem of some kind that means the LO may not survive beyond three months.....:cry:

    They are coming down for a visit tomorrow and I feel so stupid but I'm frightened of how I may react....I am afraid to show any excitement about my baby, they haven't seen us since Christmas...(we live 80 miles away) and I am showing alot and I am also mum to a son who has special needs (Autism and other stuff) but they were not obvious until my son was a toddler so I was very lucky to never have to experience a pregnancy filled with uncertainty....I am dreading their visit if I'm honest....I am emotional enough right now and I am scared of speaking, crying and just doing something that is going to cause them distress...

    Also they know how excited I have been for them and I have been stockpiling baby items for them as I also buy for my expected LO and they know I have stuff to give them....do I not mention the gifts incase they upset them or do I carry on as normal and give them?

    I'm not really looking for answers or advice.....I just need to get this down and re-read it, but any advice would be gratefully recieved!

    I feel really guilty for being pregnant with a surprise baby.....my baby is much loved and wanted but wasn't planned...I also never told them I was expecting till three weeks ago as this is their first baby and I didn't want them to think (not that they would) I was trying to steal their limelight or take the shine away from their special time.....I am in bits for them :cry:

    Thanks for reading xx
     
  2. fruity

    fruity Well-Known Member

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    You are a brilliant friend!
    In difficult situations like that I usually ask a question which allows the person to open up, or not, and take it from there.

    Hope they are ok.
     
  3. first alien

    first alien Well-Known Member

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    a very difficult situation. Saying nothing could be rude and saying something could be upsetting. good luck. x i hope all goes well
     
  4. Tasha

    Tasha 4kids+2angels+16mc
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    Firstly hugs ((( ))), the concern you show shows what a great friend you are. I am so sorry to read what your friends are going through. Tomorrow I would just follow there lead, if they want to talk about there baby and whats happening just be there, perhaps write a little note for them in case they decide not to discuss it, that you can give them when they leave just saying you are there for them. As for the things you have brought, just ask them.

    I dont think there are any right or wrong answers here as long as your sensitive, which I can tell you will be, but just remember if you dont have the words, a hug says a thousand things all in one go.

    Thinking of you all x
     
  5. Tsia

    Tsia My MyloMan - he turned 1!

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    maybe she needs someone other than her husband to talk to about the news they have just had. try to be positive and supportive and a good listener if she wants to open up about it all.

    How far gone is she?
     
  6. elles28

    elles28 Mum to 3 & bump

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    :hugs: I hope you get through the day & it is not as bad as you think. You are a great friend & just being there to listen will be a great help to your friend.
     
  7. Lisalovesbean

    Lisalovesbean Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Girls xxxxxxxxx

    Tsia, My friend is almost 23 weeks gone. I am here, they know that, but I can't help but feel dreadfully guilty that I'm pregnant too..What if the worst case scenario does happen to them? Is my baby going to be a constant reminder of their pain? I just hope that a miracle happens and that things are not as they seem to be on the scan...I am literally praying for them, they are a lovely unassuming couple who are devoted to each other....I've never seen such a perfect match and having their baby is what they have dreamed of....


    I feel crap for worrying about me too, I don't mean it in a selfish way, I just don't want to act like a stupid insensitive buffoon!!

    I feel all I can say is if they ask me anything about me and my baby is, " Never mind me, what about you two and the LO?"
     
  8. Pippin

    Pippin Sam and Adélie-Rose's Mum

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    Such a difficult situation but you'll be able to read the situation when she arrives. I'd worry too but she'll probably want to talk it over with you mum to mum. Maybe just even a hug. You'll know what to do :hugs:
     
  9. Tasha

    Tasha 4kids+2angels+16mc
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    It hasnt come across that you are worried about you, rather worried that you could do something to hurt and upset them at an already terribly sad time. :hugs:

    I think what you said is great, they will most likely ask out of politeness but obviously it might hurt :hugs:
     
  10. Tsia

    Tsia My MyloMan - he turned 1!

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    Well you could say.. "nevermind me.. I want to be here for you" etc.
    I think that IF things do go bad then yes they will probably be reminded by your baby BUT thats not your fault.. its just one of those things. Its obviously not meant to be and thats a huge IF THINGS DO GO BAD.

    I would try to pick up on the positives and give her more hope than what she has at the mo.
    The medical technologies these days are amazing and even though the situation is unfortunate.. things can possibly be saved or bettered and it doesnt all turn out as bad as they expect.
    I really believe the docs tell you to expect the worst.. but you never know what will happen.

    I really feel for her.. I really feel for them both.. And I dont know them. But I really feel for you mostly.. cos its a hard situation and position to be in.

    As your friend she wont expect you to feel guilty.. but it wont harm in saying so and she will most probably reply with "stop being silly" or similar.


    On a personal note I have my best mate who I have known since we were kids and she is 3 weeks in front of me. How would I FEEL if she told me the same news? Makes me think that I would be there for her and try not to talk about my baby. But if it was the other way around.. and I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD BAD NEWS then I wouldnt want my best mate to not talk to me about her pregnancy just cos mine isnt meant to be at this time.

    Fate will take a hand. All you can do if offer positive thoughts and support. Even if that means treading carefully for a while.

    I am praying also that things will turn out ok and not as BAD as they seem. x:hug::hugs::hug::hugs:
     
  11. Lorien

    Lorien Well-Known Member

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    I think your genuine emotion and concern is the only thing that will matter to your friend -- you obviously only want to do the best for them and they will recognize that. If they felt that avoiding you was the way to make them feel better about their own pregnancy, they wouldn't be coming to visit you. Yes, your baby might make them feel badly about their own, but most people won't hold that against you. Your support will probably mean the world to them.

    I concur with others who suggest playing it by ear: if you're having trouble, you could even ask outright "I am scared to death of inadvertently making you feel badly. Can you please let me know what you do or don't want to talk about so that I can help in whatever way you want me to."

    Best of luck. You are a good friend.
     
  12. tmr1234

    tmr1234 Guest

    :hug: i think ur frend will just be happy for an ear to talk to about it outher than her oh:hugs:
     
  13. Samemka

    Samemka Mummy of 2 girlies

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    Awwww hun that's a really difficult situation, but I honestly think that even though they must be distraught, they will still be happy for you and would probably feel more awkward if you seemed uncomfortable with them. Of course you're bound to feel upset for them and it really is tragic news, but remember there's ALWAYS hope and think of all the stories you read when babies survive when the doctors suggested otherwise! Stay strong!

    Lots of hugs xxx
     
  14. sezzlebum

    sezzlebum Guest

    honestly, id try and be as normal as i can be, they might want someone to be normal with them, if they want to talk about their situation they will do, but until then carry on as normal, give your gifts; they were bought for them so give them. honestly their probably sick of people tip toeing around them.

    hugs xxxxx
     
  15. rosie9

    rosie9 Mom of one

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    I agree. Whenever I've had anything bad happen to me, it doesn't bother me at all to see people who are happy. It's actually nice to know that they are alright so that if I need them they will be strong.
     
  16. Lisalovesbean

    Lisalovesbean Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for all the posts on this thread.....well on Sunday only the male friend came to visit, his wife was just not up to it.....but I have text her and left her the invitation to contact whenever she feels up to it...also it would appear that their consultant telephoned them at home on saturday afternoon to explain that things are actually a little more positive than they initially thought, but there are still major health concerns....Edwards syndrome has a least been ruled out.....

    Our male friend informed us that they are having to travel from Wales to Alder Hey Hospital for all of their appointments from now on and baby will be delivered by c-section earlier (in Liverpool Womens Hosp then transferred to AH) than it should so that any possible treatments can be given....it is all a bit sketchy and I didn't like to probe too much, so I'm a little in the dark but will hopefully have more news as and when it becomes available as the pregnancy progresses for them
     
  17. Tsia

    Tsia My MyloMan - he turned 1!

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    awww well thats a step in the right direction if nothing else.
    I suspect she couldnt face things with you being preggers aswell may upset her so she thought best to stay at home.. and a little sigh of relief on your part however it was a nice thing for you to do by texting her and letting her know where you are if she needs you.

    Hope things get better for them and things dont turn out as bad as initially thought. DOcs always prepare you for worst case scenario I think.
    Hope she contacts you and you are able to have a positive conversation. x
     
  18. golcarlilly

    golcarlilly Proud mum of 2

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    I hope all turns out ok for them in the end, you are such a good friend and I am sure she will appreciate that, I know I would :hugs:
     
  19. dizzy duck

    dizzy duck Mummy to Oliver

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    You are a great friend, I really hope everything works out for them. She will contact you when she feels ready, you have done the right thing, thinking of you all, take care :hugs: XX
     
  20. DiddyDons

    DiddyDons Guest

    so sad to hear this :cry: Thinking of them all :hugs:
     

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