'friends come first!' - or do they?

[pinkish_angel]

I 'had' a best friend at school... (back in the day). In 1998 she went off to uni in lancashire and I studied at the local uni so I could stay at home for that little bit longer. We kept in touch for a while through letters etc, then in 2000 she met a lad. She came back to visit her parents one weekend so we met up, and she brought this lad along. We went to the pub and on to a club. I noticed that he wouldnt leave us alone. We couldnt go to the toilet together or be left talking while he went to the bar. She told me not to mention anyone or anything from the past.. school or anything, cuz he would get jealous. He wasnt over friendly to me but we had a laugh so to speak. Me and my friend kept in touch through letter still after this till one day I heard nothing. She wrote me a letter previously saying that her bf was being abusive to her and it was because of the letters she was getting from me.. I had mentioned some ex partners or some old school memories perhaps. I moved away and we both got on with our lives. In 2003 I heard that she had had twins. I sent her a card to her parents house back in our home town and before long I revieved a text saying how she missed me and how we needed to get back in touch. We wrote nearly every 2 weeks for a year or 2. She had in the meantime moved back to our home town and I was in the process of doing the same. I was back at my parents house sorting some stuff out when I had a phone call asking me to meet her. Great... after all these years I was finally gonna see 'my best mate' again. Then a few hours later I got a text from her saying "I can not see you again... (name - partner) doesnt want me to contact you. He said its you or him and I have a family now and they come first". Thats the last I heard from her. This was back in 2004. She literally lives around the corner from me now. I have never seen her around which is quite strange. I have other friends that went to school with us and her partner lets her see them so why not me?! She used to be really strong. I never thought she would let a man come between us. I know its not her because when we got back in touch when she had her twins she was overwhelmed and we were both in tears we were so happy. In 2006 I had my baby and I heard that she had another baby 6 months before me. I miss her so much. I know it sounds stupid but I have cried myself to sleep on many occasions. I have been down sometimes and text her 'saying I miss you, you will always be my best friend' and I got a call from the number. I darent answer it incase it was her partner. I just dunno what to do. I would love to bump into her walkin down the street. Maybe I would be scared of her reaction. I just feel so upset. We were so close... and now we both have children. Myabe I should just move on.. what do you think? Is there anything I could do to get in touch without her partner knowing? or is that just wrong of me? I have looked for her email address etc but I do not think she has a pc.

 

[weestar21]

didnt want to read and run hun. Sorry ive not really got any advice but maybe you will see her one day and at least she knows you will always be tehir for her


hope things work out soon hun its awfull losing a best friend

xxxxxxxxx

 

[Arcanegirl]

Dont know what to suggest but i know how you feel

I lost contact with my best pal from school. Sometimes i think ive let her go but theres still a little bit of me that hopes she will get back in contact. I miss her too.

 

[Wobbles]

Oh no thats really

I think from what you have said it's best to move on & hope th at one day .... she comes to her senses by the sounds of it.

Could you 'pop' round to her parents (where you sent the card) & speak to them privately?

 

[pinkish_angel]

I hope every day that she will contact me.... this hope has been going on for years though and still nothing yet *hopes some more* xxxx

 

[pinkish_angel]

I know this is gonna sound like I am a bad person and that there must be a reason why her partner doesnt like me but honest I am a good person and we were young so .... her parents don't like me so it would be not so easy to pop round her parents house. When we used to hang about together at school we were 14, till 18. We went through the typical teenage stuff together like dating boys and staying out late. Her mum blamed me... then my mum prob blamed her. Mums never wanna admit that its their daughter. Truth is, we were just doing what teenagers do but they never saw it like that. Her family would prob stick up for her partner. Even though we r both now 27 with kids... we have both matured... I still wouldnt have the guts to go round her family home

 

[Arcanegirl]

I dont feel and bad vibes about you

Some people are strange like that and choose not to like someone for no valid reason. Though i think her patner sounds like a controlling person.

 

[Wobbles]

I'm sure they have forgotten about that by now - Well they should have Thats silly lol But I guess how it happens. You never know if he does have that streak then maybe they don't like him?

You mentioned other people see her - an hes ok with that! Do you know these people then? Can they weigh him up? Does he come across ok or have they got any odd feelings about him/their r,ship?

 

[pinkish_angel]

We arranged a night out a while back an I suggested our joint mate should ask 'my best mate' along... she didnt even bother cuz she knew she wouldnt be able to go. I took from that that she knew 'my best mates' partner wouldnt let her go. But maybe she just meant cuz she has 3 kids she wouldnt go. I think they know he is controlling as one of our friends mum said something about him not letting her do anything.. No-one really sees much of her. I think she pops round with xmas cards n birthday cards etc. Even that would be enough for me... I just dont get why I cant be included in that!

 

[Wobbles]

Well if he a controlling moron which sounds like the first thing he will control is the person closest which was you ... once hes done that he has full control & usually find behind closed doors he controlling over her family contact/r,ships dominating how she see's & speaks to them. Men like that are the most sneaky *******s you'll nearly ever come across. I hope one day that changes ... Maybe you could try & find out if theres anywhere she goes - toddler groups etc. where he won't be there ... does he work?

 

[pinkish_angel]

I know he worked when he was in Lancashire but now they have moved here I really don't know. I assume he must do. I know she went to college to do a baby massage course.. She wanted to lead a course but I have looked about and not seen her name anywhere. He clinic is not the same one as mine however I could always go check out hers. Perhaps look on the notice board.

 

[Cat]

It may be that he knows that your the one person who she might listen too and who knows whats going on so he sees you as a threatwho might encourage her to leave him. Iwas in an abusive relationship in the past, and my partner was very manipulative, he wouldnt let anyone get to close to me and used to lie and make up stories to make me believe my friends didnt like me and tell them I had been slagging them off etc to break us all up and make me more dependable on him. Its not your friends fault, even the strongest of people can get broken down by people like this. If your unable to talk to her parents perhaps try texting her again and suggest you meet up on the quiet one day while he is at work and have a chat, it certainly sounds like this relationship isnt very good for her.

 

[hypnorm]

Don't give up on her.. a good friend will always be there for someone, no matter how many yrs have gone by.
i'd text and see if she is ok - a controlling relationship may alaso be abusive

 

[pinkish_angel]

Thanks everyone. I just worry that I will make it worse if I text and ask to meet up as I am unsure if its 'her' phone. She has used it to ring me but said that she couldnt text from it. Its the same number she had when we first got back in touch 4 or so years ago.. I did get a call from it the once when I text her but as I say, it could have been him warning me off. She loves him, I know that. She doesnt want to risk loosing him. Her words were 'I have too much to loose if I keep in touch with you'. Maybe I should just listen to her and back off. I just miss her loads and its hard to cope with. Its not even like I can slyly walk past her house on the off chance that I could see her cuz she lives in a cresent lol oh my god I sound like a stalker hehe. I suppose I will just have to wait. If we are meant to get back in touch I suppose fate will make it so! *CROSSES FINGERS* AND TOES*

 

[ImTheDaddy]

Sorry to hear about your bezzie mate. I too lost touch with my best mate due to a partner. He used to call me on alternate weekends and I would do the same, but as soon as he met her it soon changed.

We still talk once in a blue moon, send b'day cards etc.

He used to mail regular but nothing in ages.

I guess life takes over.

 

[pinkish_angel]

I am stuck in the past maybe. I am the one with the problem and its me that needs to move on.. of course her partner and children are gonna come first. It just gets to me the way its all turned out. Why does she have to choose. I feel much better at this present time so I have a better outlook on the situation. Its just some days when I feel really low, I miss her more than others. Memories should stay in the past. I need to start to concerntrate on my future rather than keep looking back! Easier said than done though isnt it at times!! xxxxxxxx

 

[Imi]

I would pop a card thru her parents door/ drop it round with a place to meet and a time for a few weeks later and go and see if she comes ....

Hope it works out, just don't give up
xxx

 

[pinkish_angel]

I just worry that he will be there when she opens it and then he will go mad at her because 'I' am getting in touch!

 

[Stef]

If she still see's these other friends from school then maybe you could arrange with them and have them not say anytrhing... That way her partner may not find out... But it could be emotional and you may not want all your friends there. Or perhaps pop to her parents one dayu and explain the situation perhaps they could talk to her x

 

[pinkish_angel]

maybe she doesnt want me to? i dont think she wants to rock the boat with her partner. if she wanted to see me she could have arranged something secretly ages ago. i will prob just wait..... and wait...... and wait...... and prob keep waiting till she is ready to make the move !