Frustrated.

[girlnboots]

My doctor looked mine in the eye today and told him our baby will be here any time. I'm pretty sure he used some voodoo mind trick to kick his ass into gear!

 

[Annama]

That's great that you decided to leave. When you tell him he may try to stop you and you may decide to stay. It may take several attempts before you actually leave. I think it will be better for your life if you leave to get rid of the negativity this man is causing you. Forget him and leave him behind... you can go back to the US and be surrounded by love and positivity. You can focus on you and your child and being happy. I really think that is the best decision just because of everything I have read that you wrote about this guy. You can tell that you are suffering a lot from him. Good luck!!!

 

[DD80]

I wanted to say I dated a man like yours and I'm soooooo glad I'm on to bigger and better things (emphasis on better). Not all men are like that...I promise. My ex was emotionally abusive and played those mind games with me like you've described. I constantly had to pick up after him - he couldn't take a wrapper 9 ft to the trash. He once called me at work and yelled at me (called all sorts of nice names) because I had not changed his address on PayPal...changed it in eBay, but forgot paypal, and his package went to the wrong address. Didn't talk to me for 3 days about that one...even though I immediately apologized. I was expected to work 40 hrs/ week, and do all the chores. He called me lazy all the time and never thanked me for anything I did because "why should [he] thank me for things I'm supposed to do." I got up early to make him breakfast, packed him lunch, and made him dinner every night. I was supposed to pack him lunch even if he was going to buy lunch because it was my job. He never let me sleep in if he wanted to do anything. If i was sick or tired, he would just call me lazy again and get angry with me.

I never thought I'd be in a relationship like that, I thought i was a strong woman, but he sucked me in wholeheartedly and I was convinced I wasn't doing enough for him. It took a lot to leave, since I needed reassurances, but once I realized I wasn't crazy for wanting a little compassion - heck, for wanting a partner - I left. And it felt great when I finally left. I was sad because I missed him, but felt like a huge weight had been lifted...and it felt so good.

Reading your story just reminded me of how I thought it would be if I had kids my ex... I always feel like part of my recovery from that relationship is to try to help other women in that position to get out sooner. These guys don't change. Look up narcissism...mine was classic. It might be hard by yourself, but it will be harder with him, I promise you. He may lay it on thick once you leave (they always promise to change and they are convincing), but stay strong!

I hope this post comes off as supportive as I want it to. Sorry if it didn't. Feel free to message me if you need support!

 

[Skywalker]

I wanted to say I dated a man like yours and I'm soooooo glad I'm on to bigger and better things (emphasis on better). Not all men are like that...I promise. My ex was emotionally abusive and played those mind games with me like you've described. I constantly had to pick up after him - he couldn't take a wrapper 9 ft to the trash. He once called me at work and yelled at me (called all sorts of nice names) because I had not changed his address on PayPal...changed it in eBay, but forgot paypal, and his package went to the wrong address. Didn't talk to me for 3 days about that one...even though I immediately apologized. I was expected to work 40 hrs/ week, and do all the chores. He called me lazy all the time and never thanked me for anything I did because "why should [he] thank me for things I'm supposed to do." I got up early to make him breakfast, packed him lunch, and made him dinner every night. I was supposed to pack him lunch even if he was going to buy lunch because it was my job. He never let me sleep in if he wanted to do anything. If i was sick or tired, he would just call me lazy again and get angry with me.

I never thought I'd be in a relationship like that, I thought i was a strong woman, but he sucked me in wholeheartedly and I was convinced I wasn't doing enough for him. It took a lot to leave, since I needed reassurances, but once I realized I wasn't crazy for wanting a little compassion - heck, for wanting a partner - I left. And it felt great when I finally left. I was sad because I missed him, but felt like a huge weight had been lifted...and it felt so good.

Reading your story just reminded me of how I thought it would be if I had kids my ex... I always feel like part of my recovery from that relationship is to try to help other women in that position to get out sooner. These guys don't change. Look up narcissism...mine was classic. It might be hard by yourself, but it will be harder with him, I promise you. He may lay it on thick once you leave (they always promise to change and they are convincing), but stay strong!

I hope this post comes off as supportive as I want it to. Sorry if it didn't. Feel free to message me if you need support!

This sounds EXACTLY like my OH. And it sounds exactly how I've been handling the situation so far. I've tried to separate from him once and the sick thing is I missed him so much and was so freaked out by being on my own in a totally foreign country that I came back the next day. And yes, that is the problem with him.

Like you, I never thought I would be in a relationship like this! I thought I was a strong woman as well. It's a situation that sucks you in and messes with your mind so bad that you don't know what's right and wrong anymore, you don't know what's true and false. When he has his brief moments of being nice, I start to feel guilty for ever wanting to leave him. When he is more often cruel to me, it is easy to make up my mind to leave. Once, before I left for a trip to the States, he actually started to cry because he thought I'd be gone for a long time and/or leave him, and then he was the sweetest guy in the universe to me for the days/week before I left. It made it so hard to go on the trip and I cried because I'd miss him so much. And another time, I tried to separate from him, but I couldn't confront being alone in a foreign country and I came back to him after one day. Like you I've been so convinced that I haven't been doing enough for him. Everything you described about your ex, my OH says or does regularly.

Thank you so much for your support and I might just PM you! I really would value the insights of a woman who has been there and got out of the situation to help me keep strong and keep my resolve to do what I feel and know I must do, even when I start to waiver.

@ Annama, it is really refreshing to have someone acknowledge this fact, because like I say above, it's really hard to know what's right and wrong anymore in a situation like this. When he's being awful to me, it's easy to make up my mind to leave, and I truly mean that I'm going to leave. When he suddenly flicks into nice mode, it confuses me and makes me feel guilty for having wanted to leave. It makes me forget everything bad he's ever said or done. And if he's done something horrible and I'm mad at him, he will just try to do something funny until I laugh and then he acts like business as usual after that, and even though I know he hasn't apologized or tried to make up the damage for what he's done, the moments of him being nice to me and interacting positively with me are so rare that I lap them up like a starving puppy when they happen, as sick as that sounds. So it's definitely hard to stay strong, and like I say above, I tried to separate from him once but freaked out after one night crashing at a friend's place because I'm in a foreign country and all alone. He's been like the sole buoy for me in the middle of a large, new ocean so I've clung to him, but maybe if I talk to him and actually head back to the States, that will be enough distance to stop me from doing anything stupid and go back to him. I do believe people can change, even people like him, but I don't think it happens without either a serious wake up call or the person themselves suddenly realizing how they're acting and deciding to change. I've learned that you cannot ever make someone change, only they can do that. It's really good for me to read your words because it helps me to forgive myself and not be so hard on myself for the times I've tried to leave before and failed. Actually now that I think about it, I've tried to leave him twice, like actual attempts. I've talked about it plenty of other times but never plucked up the courage to. Now, I know I must because this is for the sake of my baby. However screwed up this situation has made my perception become, I at least know the right thing to do is protect my baby at all costs! So I just have to hold on to that knowledge no matter how smooth or charming he may get when I try to break up with him, for the sake of my baby and my own future, and just stick to my plan.

Thank you so much for all of your help and support on this thread You girls are amazing and this has actually helped me through this process so much so thank you so much. I also had a beautiful message from my best friend in the world who lives in the one state I was thinking of moving back to in order to be with all my friends, and told her that I want to go to the State where all my family is, but I'd miss her. She talked to her OH and they both agreed to come up for a few weeks to help me before, during and after the birth, and if I wanted to, move to that State. It made me cry with the unconditional love and support she's giving me, and her OH too, who is one of the most sensitive, supportive guys in the world. My step-sister also sent me a beautiful message letting me know that my family misses me and would love to see me and the baby, and her door is always open. Whenever I think of going there and being surrounded by these people who actually care about me, love me, respect me, and are EXCITED about this pregnancy and can't wait to meet my baby, it makes me so happy. To be around people who don't cause me daily grief will be something I don't even know how I'll deal with after being in this situation for so long, but I think I'll be able to get used to it after a while So there's a bit of positivity on the horizon.

Thank you all again You girls are wonderful!!!

 

[DD80]

I'm glad i could help! Always remember that you deserve better. You can love someone from a distance. Don't ever feel guilty leaving him behind...he is unfixable...you will never be able to love him into changing.

And I didn't move to another country,but moved from AZ (where i grew up) to Idaho with him. I had to start my life completely over. He loved to isolate me from friends and family and would demonize them. I'd tell him I was going out with a friend (once I had finally made one) and he'd be ok up until I started getting ready then he'd be mad I wasn't going with him to hang out with his friends. He'd throw a huge temper tantrum and I'd give in and go. Then he'd be happy and it was like it never happened. He was so surprised when I moved out - I had made a friend that actually was nice enough to take me in and he had no idea. He thought he had successfully isolated me. I thank the higher powers everyday for that friend.

It was easier to stay away once I was back in AZ. He could be good for a few weeks,but always turned back to a**hole. It was easier to see the pattern from far away. I told him if he could make it a year, I'd move back. He made it about 3 months before I'm pretty sure he started cheating on me (scoping out the next victim). That made it easy. Even after that I still got random "I love you" or "I miss you" texts or emails for about a year. Even though he was with his other girl. Yeeeeeaaahhh.

Anyway, just find your strength. It's in there. I can tell. I sympathize with you - I read a few of your posts awhile ago and I can't imagine going through this MS crap with that guy. I had the same type of MS and I couldn't stand it! It's terrible. Seriously terrible. Like having the stomach flu all day every day. And being pissed that I have to eat when I don't want to. Ugh.

Feel better.. Find your strength.