gender.... feel so guilty

[tink28]

before i say anything else i want to state how totally blessed i am to be pregnant- i had been ttc for 5 years and have wanted this baby pretty much all my life. i always believed that i wouldnt care what sex the baby was as long as it was healthy, as afterall, it was a child i wanted, not a particular gender.

But since getting my bfp ive had a strong desire to have a boy. and infact my instinct believes thats what im having, but i dont know if thats just because thats what i want.
i think my wanting for a son may be down to the fact that i had a traumatic childhood where bad things happened to me and ive grown up feeling girls are more vulnerable. i know they are irrational thoughts based on my own childhood and that a daughter of mine wouldnt be, but i cant change my desire for a son.

on top of that my partner also wants a boy and admitted the other day that he would be disappointed if he heard it was a girl at a gender scan, which made me feel terrible.

everyone apart from me is convinced im having a girl and it makes me so angry when i hear them say it, even my mum said this morning "oh its a girl you're having" and i nearly bit her head off.
im almost afraid to have a gender scan incase im disappointed that its a girl.

i feel so guilty for feeling this way and like i dont deserve to be pregnant and blessed with a child.

has anyone else felt this way about gender? i know i need to prepare myself for the fact that theres a 50/50 chance it will be a girl despite my instincts, and i know that i will love my baby whatever. but im finding these feelings hard to deal with and hate myself so much for feeling this way i feel so selfish

 

[Mummy2Angel.]

I'm feeling the same to be honest (sorry im popping over from first tri). My first baby we lost was a boy, so all i want is another baby boy, i know i'll love my baby whatever .... but i just really want it to be a boy, its what i feel it is and what ive got in my head. so i understand how you feel x

 

[mrs_park]

If I'm totally honest I was deep down hoping for a girl and convinced I was having one! Don't get me wrong, I just wanted a healthy happy baby but I'm a very girly girl and just imagined having a little princess. Everyone was convinced I was having a girl and started calling my bump Lily which is the girls name we had picked out!

So I was pretty shocked to find out I was having a boy! At first shocked then a little disappointed. I just had no idea how I would bond with a little boy but the shock wore off and I fell in love for who he is and not the way I had imagined him/her to be. Now I wouldn't have it any other way I just adore my little man and can't wait to meet him!

Hope I'm getting my point across... Whether you have a boy or girl I'm sure you will love him or her and forget about any concerns or worries that you may have felt, coz your baby is a little individual. Hope that makes sense....

 

[tink28]

thanks to u both
mummy2angel- im so sorry to hear of your loss and i know my friend felt the same after she lost her son

mrspark- i think u are right, i know deep down when ive accepted what sex the baby is i will bond and love it so much, but i just feel awful for feeling like this in the first place. i used to hear of women saying they would be disappointed if their baby was a certain gender and couldnt believe how selfish they sounded, and here i am saying the same

 

[SBB]

I agree with what mrspark said, we were similar and convinced baby was a girl. When they said boy I was slightly disappointed...

But now... I can imagine him, I've bought him little clothes and I definitely wouldn't have it any other way!

I think you may be disappointed, and don't feel bad about that. Just give it a few days and once you start picturing your little baby you'll realise you don't care any more...

X x x

 

[mrs_park]

thanks to u both
mummy2angel- im so sorry to hear of your loss and i know my friend felt the same after she lost her son

mrspark- i think u are right, i know deep down when ive accepted what sex the baby is i will bond and love it so much, but i just feel awful for feeling like this in the first place. i used to hear of women saying they would be disappointed if their baby was a certain gender and couldnt believe how selfish they sounded, and here i am saying the same

Don't feel awful Hun, what your feeling is totally natural. You may be shocked or disappointed at first but that will fade xx

 

[3011busyyear]

snap! i was hoping for a boy, i think because i have a very unloving relationship with my mum and how i didn't really feel a bond with her growing up.
i think i'm just worried i won't be able to love a girl or that when she finds out she be saying 'oooh i hope she just like you and you'll see what i had to put up with'.
all sound very irrational i know and i'm really cross that i feel like this, we wanted a baby for a long time and we've had names picked out for years.

 

[Worrisome]

I think once you see your baby and start to buy things and name them, you will really bond with them regardless of the gender. I'm sure you will all be fine

 

[hayley x]

No advice but leaving you some hugs and sending you some xxx

 

[orangefish]

I feel completely the same..
We tried for many years before falling pregnant, which we lost - and i had a feeling it was a boy. (always wanted a girl) we then fell again, and i was convinced it was a boy by how i was carrying etc... turned out to be a girl I was the happiest mum alive... We then lost another at the beginning of the year, which again, I thought it was a boy from the start. - then have convinced myself i can't carry boys.

I am now 14weeks pregnant again and things are going well. My husband would love a little boy this time and everyone around me are guessing this is a boy.


but I feel dissapointed already by that thought.
Like you, i'm sooooo grateful for being pregnant. But I can't stop getting the thoughts that i really really want another girl.

I had PND for 10months when my daughter was born. I wouldn't let her out of my site. I'm worried that i could go the other way if it's a boy and reject him.
Which is the last thing I want to do and i'm sure I wont, but i really need to talk to someone that understands what i'm feeling

xxxxxx

 

[tink28]

orangefish if u ever want to talk just PM me, i know our background situations are different and i really feel for your losses, but from what ive read on this thread it seems we all have quite emotional reasons connected to past experiences that have led to us feeling this way.
would be good if we could all support each other xx

 

[JanBaby]

I should maybe thank you for this post - as for the past few days have felt so guilty and selfish and undeserving of this pregnancy. Wanted to share with someone but felt scared thinking of how everyone would react.

This is my fourth - and i always felt it wouldnt matter what sex i had - but family including hubby really wanted a boy. I had my 20 wk scan and was told maybe girl, i was dissapointed if im honest but brushed it aside thinking ill be fine. But on coming home and seeing my mums reaction then hubbys raection to the news - His dissapointment was so obvious on his face.

I havent been able to stop crying - everytime i see boys clothes - or another mum with a lil boy i feel like burstin into tears. I hope im going to get over this i hate feeling like this and feeling so bad about it.

This was the first time i found out about the sex before birth, but now really wish i hadnt because im sure if the baby was in my arms everyone would feel differently.

I do hope you get what your lil boy tho.
x

 

[Tanara]

personally for us their was benefits to either, but i do want a daughter since i have a son already, but i knew i was having a girl, i tried to tell myself it was a boy, i guess that way I wouldn't be disappointed at all, but follow your instincts cause i was right both pregnancy's

 

[Jojo-Mummy]

Im guilty of this too. But I am convinced im having a girl. Every single person told me that Im having a boy which upset me for a while. I still dont know what im having so could go either way. I know its a bit of a cliche to say now but I really dont mind now what im having as long a bubs is healthy. I just thought having a girl would be easier. I wouldnt worry about what your OH said, im sure he will change his mind once he knows and comes round to the idea.

 

[babyloulou]

My very first thought for mine was "boy" but within a couple of weeks I had convinced myself it was a girl! I was so shocked at the gender scan when i found out it was a boy and felt a pang of disappointment (even after 5+ years TTC) as I had started picking girls clothes and we had a girl's name sorted! I am now thrilled about our little boy though and was within a day or two of the scan! I would be so upset now if they changed their minds at my 20 week scan and told me it wasn't a boy

 

[mummy2be123]

i wanted a girl im having a boy lol

but now i wouldnt change him being a boy for the world and i had a private scan at 16+3 to find out the gender and i went back 2 weeks later

i said what if they say he is now a girl LOL i would of been gutted too!

but luckily as soon as the scan started his legs were open

xx

 

[PurpleKisses]

Don't feel bad. I think everyone has gender preferences..although everyone says they just want a happy baby, I'm pretty a lot, if not most of them, kinda want more than the other.

With that said, I was totally convinced that I was having a girl (it wasn't that I was absolutely set on having a girl, though)...and it would make me so mad when someone would tell me otherwise. Like one day OH said, "it's going to be a boy." and I was p***ed because I KNEW it was going to be a girl. Lo and behold, I'm having a girl! Sometimes, it's instincts...I read an article a while back when I was preggers with DS that said that some 70% of women know what they're having before they're told...so maybe it's really your instincts kicking in.

With that said, I'm pretty sure that whether it's a girl or boy...you'll love your baby all the same. Although I'm excited to be having a girl (because I'll have one of each)...I'm actually terrified on the other hand. My mom and I didn't have the greatest relationship and her and her mother didn't have the greatest relationship, either...and although I want my daughter and I to have a really close relationship, I'm fearful that they may not happen and she may end up like me as a teen (I was clinically depressed, suicidal throughout my teen years and fell pregnant with DS when I was 19)...

Don't feel alone hun...because you're not...and you're not being selfish.

 

[MrsEngland]

At the beginning of my pregnancy i was convinced we were having a little boy and as time went on i kept dreaming we were having a little girl and i got to the point where i wanted a little girl and i felt so guilty because i thought i was having a boy. I think i would of been happy if it was a boy but as horrible as it sounds i was relieved when we found she is a little girl. And now i feel guilty because i think my hubby would of liked a little boy and i was scared at first he wouldn't love her as much as if she were a boy.
Thankfully a few days after we found out hubby is being lovely he talks to her all the time and think he is proud to be having a daughter.
I just couldn't imagine myself with a little boy, not yet anyway. I am over the moon that she is a girl but the main thing is she is healthy and i know i wouldn't of loved a boy any less, i've wanted this child for a long time nothing will change that.

 

[blessed]

My husband said the same thing prior that he "thinks he would be disappointed if our scan showed we were having a girl" I was convinced I wanted a boy as well mainly because I wanted to provide my husband the boy he wanted....

well, we had our scan, we're having a girl! lol... He was shocked and disappointed for a total of about........ 10 minutes! Then SO excited, I wouldn't worry hon.... Once you see that baby of yours moving and wriggling and healthy.... its so hard to be disappointed!

 

[EmyDra]

It's completely natrual to have a gender perference or even a personality perference for a baby.

I've been reading bits of Spock and he addresses both, saying that it's normal and normal to feel guilty but you won't love the baby any less.

There are slightly less girls in my family (and none in FOBs family) so for me that would be nice since I like to go with the minoraty (plus EVERYONE I know has had boys recently).

But to be honest, when I'm on my own I imagine having a little man. I know I'd enjoy the boyish stuff more and love being the Mum of a boy. It suits me a lot more.

Right now I'm happy with not knowing (though I keep changing my mind!) because I know I'm not going to have the chance to be disappointed after I've delivered Ixxy and when I'm meeting him/her for the first time. I'll be studying every feature and so delighted to finally be seeing him/her and knowing that it's my baby...

But as all of you ladies have said - any disappointment doesn't last long