Getting seriously down about wtt

Discussion in 'Waiting To Try' started by AngelofTroy, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. AngelofTroy

    AngelofTroy Well-Known Member

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    I feel like I am waiting for everything, waiting for my life to start.

    We've been engaged a month now and OH is unwilling to talk about the wedding. We were going to buy a house but now he wants to find a new job first. I am desperate to start a family with him but he won't even NTNP til we're husband and wife and he won't set a date. :(

    I'm so frustrated and depressed. All I can think about is the future and he is rooted firmly in the present. I need to plan things, that is just who I am, but he just wants us to coast along and 'enjoy just being together now'.

    I feel totally unloved being engaged but unable to discuss/plan the wedding. I feel like he doesn't really want all those things with me. He said I've got to stop rushing everything but I can't find any enjoyment in waiting, we've lived together for 2 years now and I thought when we got engaged we'd finally be taking steps in the right direction.

    I'm so down at the moment that I've taken time off work, I am so teary and anxious that I'd be a wreck trying to work right now. This is getting out of hand and I know the more stressed I am the less OH will want to move forward. But I can't help it :'(

    I don't know what I'm asking, or what to do. I just need to vent I guess. I know he'd be a great dad, and we rent a 3 bedroom property in a good area, we have good jobs and plenty of savings. If we had a happy accident we'd both be over the moon but he's so set on waiting to be married. Which is fine if I felt that was going to happen anytime soon! Call me old fashioned but isn't engagement for planning the wedding?!
     
  2. Mom2mmcjg

    Mom2mmcjg Mother of 5 boys 3 losses

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    You are right about the engagement. If you don't have a date and aren't planning the wedding, then are you really engaged??? I would talk with him seriously about that. Either he wants to get married or he doesn't, staying "engaged" forever is not an option.

    I agree with him about waiting for marriage to TTC though, I may be old fashioned but I think the best thing for baby is having a married Mom & Dad.
     
  3. gflady

    gflady mummy to theo

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    Sorry you're feeling so down. It's hard when your life feels at a stand still and you're not sure where it's going or of any time frames. I agree with mom2, you need to sit down and have a chat about all of this- especially as it's getting you down.

    Let us know how you get on. xxx
     
  4. bornthiswayxo

    bornthiswayxo Well-Known Member

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    I agree with the others, if you are apparently engaged, surely you should be talking about the wedding concept(s) and maybe thinking about when you would like to become husband and wife. Sit down and have a serious chat with him I reckon.
     
  5. AngelofTroy

    AngelofTroy Well-Known Member

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    I had a chat with him, he says he loves me to bits and he hates that he's upset me. However he feels like I make a lot of important decisions about us without consulting him. He wants to be more involved with planning the wedding, which is fair enough. Although some of his ideas are.. interesting! e.g. a toastie maker on every table and milkshakes lol. We've just spend the last half an hour looking for venues that let us do our own catering and they are few and far between!

    I guess he's right though, I have already looked at venues and I have my heart set on one, I felt like looking at others is pointless but I am looking around a bit now. He says he can't wait to marry me, but thinks we should save a bit specifically for the wedding, not use the savings we already have. I was thinking April but he's thinking more next winter. I guess we have more talking to do.

    I wish we more on the same page, is it normal to have so many roadblocks when planning a life together?
     
  6. Mom2mmcjg

    Mom2mmcjg Mother of 5 boys 3 losses

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    Well, that's great news!:flower: He's talking about the wedding and wants to be involved. That's wonderful!:happydance:
    Go ahead and do it on his time frame. That will show him that you are listening to him and that you care about what he has to say. Then he might be more willing to give in other other decisions. (I think milkshakes sound fun!)
    Next conversation, get a date nailed down and THEN you can talk about TTC. For instance, if you get married in December is willing to NTNP starting on the honeymoon?
    Sounds like you've got a good man who loves you. Congratulations. (oh, and yes. Totally normal to have "road blocks" you are two different people trying to build a life together after all. Its never all sunshine and daises. )
     
  7. Sam 121

    Sam 121 WTT for #1

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    Hi hun- I am in a similar situation in regards to feeling like I am waiting for everything,and things I have wanted to plan havent happened and I feel like my life was on hold all the time.This I found was depression,anxiety,stress etc and I,like you, have also been unable to work for about 3 months now. I totally feel for you:cry: I have been having counselling which has helped me a great deal,as I could talk openly about things. The thought of having children was put on hold aswell due to my depression which made things worse.
    I feel you do need to sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling- he needs to talk to you about this even if he doesnt want to as it is obviously causing strain in your relationship. You could talk to him initially about atleast setting a date for your wedding. Its just a thought, but is there any way you could both have a weekend away somewhere just the two of you? It could give you the chance to get away from things for a bit and then try and talk about the future ? x


     
  8. angiepie

    angiepie Well-Known Member

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    Oh goodness, your post has hit home for me tonight. I came on the forum just now at 1am coz OH and I had a big fight about this and he went and slept elsewhere. We've been together three years and lived together 1 and he wants to wait at least another year or more to get engaged. And we intend to have a long engagement of 2 years. So a wedding and baby is so far away. He doesn't mind me planning wedding stuff and baby stuff in advance, but I feel like a psycho doing so without even being engaged. It's just kinda weird! It's like my secret, embarrassing habit I have to hide from my friends. I can't even book anything or whatever, just google everything to death. It's a little odd.

    I'm not asking for a baby right now, I know we have to wait. I'm just asking to be proposed to so things can feel official and like they're moving ahead. I asked him if I could proposed to him instead, if that will help, and he said he'd say 'no'. :cry: Feels like he wants to stay in boyhood forever... :cry: He thinks he will magically be ready when he finishes uni. He was mature enough to move in together [my idea, what a surprise] but he doesn't think he's mature enough to give me a ring...

    I totally understand where you're coming from and if you wanna talk I'm here. :hugs: And I think the roadblocks are normal and are a good test. It's how you deal with them that's important.
     
  9. I Love Lucy

    I Love Lucy DS and DD

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    I swear you were just writing about my life in your post. My OH wants to be with me but he never really seems to think about the future. That gets me so depressed because then I feel like I'm the only one who wants a future. I think the best thing to do is to just keep talking. Whenever I'm feeling down I talk to my OH about it and once I'm sure we're on the same page again, I feel better and I think it helps him too because I'm not so sad.

    As for the wedding planning. Before OH and I decided we would rather try for a baby more then we want to have a formal wedding, I would look up dresses, nail salons, hair and make up salons, flowers, etc. More so the stuff that OH wouldn't care about.

    Then for venues and stuff I'd just compile a list of stuff that I happened to find that met our requirements and then show OH when he got home. I don't know how much free time your OH has but I know mine never really had much time to sit down and look for stuff so he really appreciated that I would find stuff and then talk to him about it.
     

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