Grandparents dilemma (sorry...loooong)

[MiuMiow]

Hi


DH's parents don't like me. It's not founded on anything, four years ago they seemed to have an allergic reaction to me and it's just never gotten better. I have to admit that I have made zero effort in the last three years, it seemed so silly, I didn't understand their reasoning (there was none so...) so I never bothered and DH never forced the issue. I'm not a fan, they're not a fan, voila.

However, now there is bub on the way... DH's mom is very excited. I have not seen her but DH goes round with scans and details and she is just all about the baby, wanting to be a grandma. I really want her to be that grandma too, she's so different from my mom and it can only be good for baby to have a big loving family. So even though I have no intention of being her bestie myself, she's having a grandaughter and I want her to enjoy that.

DH's dad though is being...well he's just being mean. He's forbidden his mother (great-grandma in the making) from giving anything, saying his son needs to learn from his messes (thank you so much father-in-law) and he's not sure he wants to know this baby
Now I have never, ever had an argument with either of these people. They have been civil, even nice every time I saw them. It was only after I left that DH (or boyfriend as he was then) would be subjected to hours and hours of what an awful choice he had made (even getting a cup of coffee thrown at him once) and how his first girlfriend was so much better... You can see why I'd be weary to go there after a while.

Anyway, my dilemma is thus the grandaddy on DH's side. It hurt my feelings badly that he may not want to know my daughter because I'm her mother and I just don't know if he is the kind of person I want around her. He says in his son's entire life, there were only four years he was happy he had him (DH is 29) so what if he says a thing like that to my little girl? What do I do about grandpa?

 

[mumtobeplus1]

Thats awful, your poor DH being told by his own father that hes basically been
a let down his whole life to him.

I wouldnt want my little girl around someone like that either, Every little girl
is special and deserves to told as such, she certainly doesnt deserve to be
around people who are going to put her or you down.

What an awful sounding man, why wouldnt he want to know his own
sons child? And what has your daughter isnt even born yet and hes
saying hes not sure if he wants to know her, how nasty

Really hope you can come to a solution that suits everyone. x

 

[Backyard_baby]

Thats horrendous! I would wait until the baby is born before making any decisions as seeing his grandaughter may change a lot of his opinions.

If however he does or says anything when your daughter is here, I would make it clear you are not willing to have a negative influence in your daughters life, as, they may be protective with their son and his apparent 'bad choice' but you are entitled to protect your daughter from a negative grandparent.

 

[Terangela]

We have excommunicated ourselves from my DH's side of the family. My MIL has been very rude to me for no reason. Her and her sister have sent me rude and hostile emails and thus we have blocked them from communicating with us. Now my MIL is back peddling and trying to "take back" what was said. Yet have not heard an apology yet. We used to travel the 7 1/2 hours to go see them twice a year with the kids, then we recently dropped down to once and now we aren't planning on going back again. They have never made the effort to come this way. My MIL plays favorites with the grand kids also. Her excuse is that the other grandparents don't have anything to do with the one... um, now that both parents have remarried she has 3 sets of grandparents all of whom spoil her. The other grand daughter from my other SIL gets spoiled from her other grandparents so she has to compete with that to be loved. Shaking my head and rolling my eyes! Then our two not much attention is paid at all. My son who turned 3 recently didn't even get a birthday card or present this time from her. A little ticked off about that. I know how much she spent on my two nieces on just things in the last month and they didn't even have a birthday in there... ticks me off more than a little. I know it bothers my DH a lot too, but he chooses to ignore it and not let it bug him. The kids are too little to figure things out, but soon they are going to chime in and figure out that Grandma plays favorites and are going to feel hurt.

My mom can play favorites, both the kids are her favorites, but they are her only grand kids. When we have our next child then that child will also be added to her favorites list. My mom always tries to make both kids feel special. At a birthday party she buys a little something for the other child too. If she buys something for one, she buys for the other. She also spends equally. At Christmas she will make sure to spend the same dollar amount on each child and make sure she buys equal amounts of things for both of them. Such the opposite of my MIL.

 

[cadippoz]

My dad was a bit of the same, however it took 4 months before he would even talk to the baby (now 6 years old) and I only ever visited them once every 4/6 months....

Now my daughter and my dad are inseperable - he dotes on her like MAD!!!

Just thought id add my bit, not really much advice just what happened to me....although having said that my parents cant stand my husband but HEY HO!!!

good luck..

 

[prettygeek]

Well, on the bright side, maybe you can use this opportunity(having the baby) to get a little closer to his mom. Spend a little time with her without his dad, that sort of thing. I know it looks grim, but maybe if she turns around he will too.

On the other hand, what he said is awful! He basically admitted that he's not happy he has a son! That sounds to me like he has other problems. And actually, I'm surprised he's still married. Maybe you can go over to the great grandma's house by yourselves and not tell grandpa about it? I'm assuming that she's happy about having a great grandchild. It would be terrible to cut her out of it because of her irrational, bitter son.

And if it comes up, you may have to remind someone that you are married, and you, his wife, are his focus. A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.

 

[brunette&bubs]

I know exactly how you feel.
Except MY parents are the crazy ones!
I love my MIL, FIL, BIL, and two SILs. They treat me so wonderfully and act as if I am their own daughter.
My parents however, will talk down to my DH and I whenever they get a chance. About money, the way we choose to spend our time, oh and my favorite... "You don't even know what it's like to be pregnant and give birth. You have no clue how hard it is going to be."
Well, nobody knows with their first child right? You find out by going through the process...no one ever said it would be easy. I don't need to listen to all the BS advice you have which doesn't even make sense now-a-days.
I told my parents they couldn't be in the delivery room because it would just be my DH and I. They went into a fit and called me selfish..that I should consider other people's feelings not just my own. How ass backwards does that sound???? Isn't giving birth a time where you are allowed to be selfish and not care about anyone elses feelings but your own?
My mother even already believes the baby is a girl and has named it "Gracie" and calls it HER baby. My husband and I hate the name Gracie and we have NO clue what we are even having yet. Those antics are why we aren't telling anyone the name until the baby is born.
On top of everything else, my mom is addicted to prescription pills and acts VERY crazy. She has threatened to hit me and choke me already in this pregnancy for not getting what she wanted. So everyone (my husband, his family, my siblings, our minister, and my OB) agree that this baby can under no circumstances be alone with my mother EVER. She is so crazy and high all the time that she can't be trusted. When your popped up on a Xanax trip, I don't think you would be able to hear the baby crying. It's sad but it is what needs to be done. My mother doesn't yet know about this but I'm sure its another thing she will go crazy about.
Sorry for the rant, just letting you know that you aren't alone. My parents are PSYCHO!!!!

 

[TattooedMama]

While the guy seems to be being a douche right now I doubt it will last. My dad was not thrilled that I was having my son, he was very against it at first and they are best friends. My dad and son are so in love with each other, if I ever refused to let my dad see my son he would take me to court...it's that serious for him. And I would never do that because I love my dad to death and I love that him and jaden are so close, it means the world to me. I was very hurt when he wouldn't accept my pregnancy but when that little boy was born my dad couldn't have been happier for me. He has always been there for my son and always will be, he has referred to himself as my sons 'guardian angel'

Men can be tricky, stubborn, mean or reluctant to new ideas or changes in their life. I really don't think it will last honey but I understand your anxiety over the situation. Just relax, you aren't going to be forced to let them babysit or anything like that. I am sure you will have some time where there will be visits back and forth after baby is born and at that time you can gauge how he really feels towards your daughter.