Grieving the last trimester

Discussion in 'Premature & NICU Babies' started by Chocolates, Oct 11, 2013.

  1. Chocolates

    Chocolates New Member

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    Hi all,

    My son was born 11 weeks early, 2 months ago at 29 weeks gestation. And even though he is home now (arrived home last Sunday) after spending 9 weeks on NICU, I am still missing being pregnant, as my last trimester only just started when I had him. It is grieve really as it's a loss.

    I was wondering if anyone else was going through this, maybe someone who also had a baby at a similar gestation period. I am unable to talk to anyone else about this who I know, as they have never had a premature baby and so don't understand.

    So I was wondering if this was a normal response to someone who has had a very premature baby.

    Many thanks. :)

    xx
     
  2. jandksmommy

    jandksmommy Well-Known Member

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    The grief is normal response. I grieved as well. My twins were 6 1/2 weeks early but I was prepared for an early birth with them (was hospitalized at 26 weeks until they were born) and although I wished I could have carried longer, I was only a tiny bit sad that I didn't get a 'normal' pregnancy.

    When we got pregnant the second time, I was thrilled it was a single pregnancy and looked forward to all the things I missed with my first pregnancy. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong and she was born at 23 1/2 weeks. On top of all the stress and sadness and guilt of having such a tiny sick baby, I grieved the loss of the pregnancy itself. No one I have said that to has truly understood. They tell me how lucky we are that everything turned out well for her and that the loss of the pregnancy shouldn't matter because she is fine... and I am happy with the outcome and thrilled with my beautiful girl and am well aware of the miracle we have been given... but I will never know what it is like to carry to term, to have a normal pregnancy, labor and delivery will always be a sad and terrifying memory instead of a beautiful event, I will never have memories of feeling her kick and turn inside me, or have memories of holding my bright eyed perfect newborn. I will never be one of those very pregnant woman I see in the grocery store.

    That being said... I can live with this. I will always dream of having all those wonderful memories that other women got the chance to have but I know that I have been blessed. It took awhile to get here but the grief has become acceptance.
     
  3. kirstybumx3

    kirstybumx3 Mum to two boys, R&N

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    it is totally normal, my baby was born at 32 weeks, he is now 4 months old and doing really well after spending 7 long weeks on NICU.
    I feel blessed that he is doing well, and I am really privileged that I got to meet him that little bit early, but I do grieve the last trimester too!
    I find it difficult to talk to other mums who are pregnant in their last few weeks, or who have just had term babies, not because of the babies, but because they got their full pregnancy.
    I feel silly, and I hope it will go away soon, but it is real, and it is normal xx
     
  4. sunnylove

    sunnylove Well-Known Member

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    Yep. I had my son at 26 weeks and one of my first responses was that I wanted to get pregnant again right away. Now, of course, I didn't actually want that, but it's a terrible feeling to have your pregnancy stolen away from you, and everything else that comes with a full-term pregnancy. I wanted to experience it - I didn't want it to be over. Even though I had him at 26 weeks, I still wasn't showing that much, not that a bump could be seen anyway as I had been on bed rest since 19 weeks. Right as I got put on bed rest I bought a maternity dress to be worn to my baby shower, because I didn't honestly think my situation was serious and I would soon be off bed rest and I would deliver full term. To say the least, it kills me everytime I see it hanging in my closet.

    But for the most part I got over it, I think. I didn't even make it to the 3rd trimester, but those were the cards I was dealt. I have no expectations that I will ever have a normal, full-term pregnancy and it's something I think I'm denying, rather than actually coming to terms with, but I think over time I've slowly gotten used to it, I guess.

    I am very happy and blessed to have a happy, HEALTHY 9 pounder (1 month old adjusted age, 4 months actual) home with me and he is who I look at whenever I get those "none of this was fair" feelings! But yes, I COMPLETELY understand.
     
  5. rbourre

    rbourre Well-Known Member

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    My daughter was born at 29 weeks gestation. She's 13 months now and I still feel jealous when I see others get past where I had her. I just hope that someday I am lucky enough to make it to at least 37 weeks.
     
  6. Fleur29

    Fleur29 Well-Known Member

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    I completely feel this! My dd was 34+4 which I know is not that early but I had big plans for those last weeks of pregnancy, enjoying the rib kicks and getting annoyed at people asking if there was any news yet! I don't think there is anything anyone can do or say to make it better because no one can ever give you those weeks back, but I just try and see it from a different point of view - being in the preemie club is scary and hard but also incredibly special. When you meet another mother of a preemie you almost instantly have a special bond/understanding with her that you wouldn't get as a full termer. Plus I enjoy telling people that my 95% centile bright little toddler was 6 weeks early and seeing how impressed they are :)

    Xx
     
  7. Foxybabyhg3

    Foxybabyhg3 Mamma to Skylar TTC #2

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    My DD is a 29 weeker & I feel the same. I missed being pregnant for a couple of months, but unsure if that was a preemie thing or if term mums feel that too. It does get better though. When they're home you don't have time to think much about it anymore cos you can enjoy your LO in the comfort of your own surroundings
     
  8. Reba

    Reba Momma to Z

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    Yes
    I totally felt loss over the pregnancy being "stolen" from me.
    My daughter was born 4 weeks ago at 32+6.
    I was really enjoying my pregnancy - It took us 2 years to get pregnant and I was LOVING it. It is still really hard to see really obviously pregnant women around town as I should still be pregnant.

    I was just starting to have people recognize that I was pregnant and now... well now I have a tiny little baby that people didn't even know I was carrying!
     
  9. ttc126

    ttc126 Mom of Boys

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    I had a late preemie...only a month early...but I still grieved the loss of that last month! It makes me sad sometimes even now!

    I also grieved "missing" out on his first bit of life and I feel upset when I see those who have made it to or past their due dates and get to go home with their babies...

    Its a process and I think you have every right to feel that way. Especially with missing an entire trimester. My heart goes out to you as I know how I feel missing just a few weeks...
     
  10. vermeil

    vermeil Mom to 27 week wonder+DD

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    having a preemie it`s normal to go through the grieving process. For the last weeks or months of pregnancy, for that 'perfect sunny birth', etc. I had my son at 27 weeks and grieved the normal, happy birth I had envisionned.

    Now I'm 33 weeks along with number 2 and enjoying every precious day. (which means I want to punch ladies in 3rd trimester who keep complaining but hey that`s another story :haha:)

    :hugs:
     

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