Haven't been on here in waaay to long!

[loulabell]

Hi guys & girls

So I have been wtt forever! However when me and my then boyfriend went to Jamaica for a week he PROPOSED!!!EEEKKK so happy. it was the perfect proposal.

I have always said I want a baby before I get married (for many reasons some off which probably aren't logical but heyho) but now I want to get married soon but I don't know that we can afford to do both, but I still want a baby before I get married. My now fiancé has said he want us to have a baby next year which is huge progress!
(back story fiancé in RAF currently been away for 12 weeks, 2 more weeks till he is back so I don't know if he is saying it to help his odds of having sex which he wouldn't need to because 14 weeks is long for me to and I defo need some )
I just don't want having a baby to put off our weddings for years because we have a baby.

In a nutshell I want to have my cake and eat it too (spoilt girl problems)
I don't really know what im asking but has anyone got any advice or been in this situation ?

Thanks

 

[sarahuk]

Only thing I can say its talk to fiance and make sure 10000% that a baby is definitely what you want NOW rather than down the line. Specially with him being in the RAF, you need to also be super sure on the timing as you may end up raising it solo whilst hes away etc.

My partner was overseas for the start of our relationship and we were actively ttc in the times he was back here. I wanted that baby so bad but looking back (I didn get pregnant when he was away) Im glad I didnt. Its such a big thing and I couldnt have done it on my own. We did have to also choose between baby and marriage btw. We chose baby and I dont regret that. We now have two beautiful boys that will be a part of our day this year

Good luck with your choices! x

 

[Sakura15]

hi there loulabell and congrats on your engagement

my situation isn't quite the same, but some similarities. we have been living together for about 4 years, moved abroad together 2 years ago. we originally said we would get married before kids, OH knows I'm ready as soon as he is, but he wants to have career stuff all lined up first. I've been super broody and annoyed about having to wait for him to propose before starting a family (i know for sure that if I do it, he will be ticked off), so we talked it all through again and decided to go ahead and set a date for TTC, and we'll officially tie the knot sometime.... before deciding that we had at least a possible timeframe in mind, now it's completely open! being away from home, plus the expenses of having kids, no clue when that will come now, and for a minute it bothered me a little, but not really. we feel quite bound together already, so we'll just do what works for us in whatever order, and whenever feels right.

What are the factors that influence things for you? How long will your fiance be spending away over the next year or two? Is your age a factor at all? Any health issues that might complicate things? Are you near family who could support if fiance is away in the early days?

Also slightly curious what your reasons were for wanting a baby before getting married, but you don't have to share, i know i'm being slightly nosy

 

[loulabell]

Hey thank you!

Wow moving abroad is a big step! Well done to you both. Atleast you have a time frame in mind now. I think having a time frame definitely helps. Good luck with everything and I'm sure you'll get your happily ever after with wedding bell and babies.
So on average he spends 3 months away in one chunk per year and maybe a couple of weeks here and there aswell. My age isn't a factor im 21 but my fiancé I think is feeling the "age pressure" although he is only 23 he doesn't want to be old then 25 because his dad was older when he had him because he is the 5th child so he wants to be a younger dad for our kids. We are both healthy or he is and I'm a chocoholic haha. And yeah I have 3 of his siblings with there partners, his parents, my sister(who has a baby) and my parents and friends all around.

So long story short loads of people in my family are divorced I'm literally talking 95% of my family ( I have one uncle who is still with his first wife) everyone else had been divorce at least once. And in my experience I believe a lot of people split because they can't co parent together (not saying it's the kids fault) because one grows up and the other doesn't. So In my head if I have a baby first I won't get divorced but I suppose you could argue that we could split anyway but in my head it makes sense.

 

[sarahuk]

My fiance comes from a country that doesnt have a good success rate for marriage We did the whole baby first marriage second thing (marriage is in august) and I can tell you categorically it wont make any difference lol.

Marriage is just a step in the relationship but the stress and pressure of parenthood doesnt change that, it only adds to the relationship stress. We never had one fight before having the little ones and then youre right that when it comes to coparenting that it makes relationships more tense.

But having baby first wont make it any easier down the line. The stress and pressure is there whether you are married or not. THATS what you need to be ready for...the decision to have a baby now needs to be based on what you want, not whether you believe you wont get divorced because of doing the baby first. That child is there for life, you will argue about how to handle them even when they are grown

xx

 

[loulabell]

But having baby first wont make it any easier down the line. The stress and pressure is there whether you are married or not. THATS what you need to be ready for...the decision to have a baby now needs to be based on what you want, not whether you believe you wont get divorced because of doing the baby first. That child is there for life, you will argue about how to handle them even when they are grown

xx

Oh don't get me wrong I know that a baby adds pressure and stress to all relationships and that the impact a baby has on a relationship will be the same marred or not, but in my head because of how I was raised and what I have seen in my head I would feel more comfortable getting married after I have a baby because I know I will overthink having a baby otherwise. I'm really not saying you have a higher chance stay together one way or the other. I know that a child is for life, and I want to be with my fiancé for the rest of my life and I could never have a child with someone I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that babies will bring arguments to any relationships. But I just cant wait to start a family. and on the flip side I would really like my baby to be apart of my wedding.

 

[sarahuk]

It really is wonderful hun...I cant wait to see mine in their little suit!

You have to do whats right for you and if you think this is the way to do it then thats what you should do!

x

 

[Tinaplustwo]

The only advice I have to give is to figure out a specific number of kids that you want before you get married and figure out who will be getting up with the babies throughout the night, etc, My husband and I are were going to try for a third very soon but he is now unsure... It breaks my heart because I could have many. This is literally the only thing we disagree about though. He is an awesome dad! After having two children, our relationship is so strong! The kids definitely brought us closer together. Our daughter was conceived 8 months after we were married, would have been sooner but my husband was away from September to January (got pregnant with her in Feb.) My husband is in the US Air Force, and we are stationed in Japan so I get the whole military life situation.

 

[loulabell]

Thank you all for the advice and chat I really appreciate it!! Tinaplustwo hope you find a compromise you both are happy with. How do you cope with hubby being deployed while you have kids (if he is) and then being stationed so far away from family and friends?