having problems.. advice?

[kimmy04]

Hey ladies, so I have been having some issues with OH. We have been really up and down which I'm sure is normal but I feel like I'm the only one trying and I need another perspective. I was giving him a hard time about starting smoking cigars again which was really bringing us down, so I finally decided I was being overbearing and I let it go. I said if I'm going to be okay with it, he needs to try and smoke as less as he can. Since then, he went from smoking 3-4 a day, to smoking 15 to 20 cigars a day. Its all the time, I really don't want my son around it. I'm still being chill about it though but sometimes suggest he should at least cut back and needs to wash his hands/change his shirt before holding kayden. He won't, and now the last 2 weekends he has gotten out of control drunk. 2 weekends ago he said really nasty things to me, to the point where my son and I left and stayed at a friends house. The next day he didn't remember any of it so again, I let it go. This past weekend he got really drunk again, but this time threw his phone at me, just for me saying maybe he drank too much and should go to bed. He told me I am useless and taking care of the baby during the day isn't the same as working and I shouldn't get to live for free and have everything handed to me. He stormed out and never came to bed. I woke up in the morning and OH was passed out in the babys crib (kayden was cosleeping with me). So what do I do? I can't keep going like this but I don't want to be overreacting over a couple stupid drunken nights. I told him what he did/said and he says he didn't mean any of it he was just being an idiot. But don't people usually say things they meant when they are drunk but didn't have the courage to say sober? I don't even know what to believe. Any advice is much appreciated!

 

[smatheson]

I wouldnt really tolerate the getting drunk part but that is just me. I wouldnt want my son to be in an unsafe situation. If he is out of control that is not ok and he should understand that. hope everything works out for you.

 

[amygwen]

I don't have much advice, but it's definitely not mature of your OH to do that. He needs to realize, he can still have fun, but not at your expense. Throwing a phone at you while he's drunk is irresponsible and rude. I'd just sit down and tell him how you're feeling, or write him a letter and write everything in it. Just tell him how much he means to you and you don't feel like he feels the same way anymore and explain your issues with his smoking and drinking. And I love how people are so quick to thinking that because you're at home taking care of a baby all day that it's an easy job! I'd like to see your OH taking care of your LO all day rather than working!

 

[hot tea]

He sounds like a right idiot. Try and sit him down and explain how smoking cigars then touching and holding your child is NOT okay. Perhaps show him some print outs of information of the harm (even though everyone knows about it anyways... It might help). It is even more wrong of him to be that drunk and angry around you and LO.

The throwing the phone thing would have been the last straw for me. Being angry with him is not overreacting, telling him he needs to change or else is perfectly acceptable. It sounds like his behavior is escalating. Trust me, if you don't stop it now it could get a lot worse.

It sounds to me as if he really is not willing to change his behavior. If he won't, he gives that respinsibility to you and you have got to change something, for the sake of you and your LO.

 

[kimmy04]

I tried sitting down with him and explaining myself and he just said "I don't know what you want me to say, I'm tired and I have to work in the morning" then he went to bed. It really seems like he's ready to give up. We live together, all his family is in town and mine is not. I moved here to be with him a few years ago and gave up so much to be with him, now it seems like he's giving up on us and I will be left very very lonely.

 

[xx~Lor~xx]

Sorry but I don't think you should be putting up with any of that. How dare he behave like a child! And I agree with you, he should certainly cutting down on the cigars etc, or at least changing his tshirt, why should your child have to breathe that in because od his selfishness?? He definately should not be getting so drunk, and 10000% should NOT be getting in your babys crib!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He needs to have a wake up call and grow up. Let's face it, as your baby gets older, if he continues the same way, your LO is going to start picking up on things and noticing. I wouldn't want my child around that. Honestly, I think you need to give him an ultimatem.

Edit: 'not remembering' because he was drunk, is NO excuse for his behaviour and the things he says. Don't allow him to use that. He shouldn't be getting drunk in the first place.

 

[mayb_baby]

cigars are really strong and then holding a baby awful, I don't even like being around the smell. To get so out of control drunk and then to treat you like this and throw his phone at you is intolerable I would blow up over this.

I think like others have said he is escalating out of control and is showing no real remorse and unfortunately it will get worse, I mean he could of broke the cot and how did he know if he was so blindly drunk his LO wasn't in there.

 

[annawrigley]

What a cock. It's not overreacting to say that his behaviour is unacceptable, because it is!! "Oh sorry I don't remember, I didn't mean it" is no excuse. And he fell asleep in the baby's crib? That's not exactly great, he could easily have broken it. He sounds like a stupid little boy that needs to grow up and realise he's a FATHER now and to act like one

 

[kimmy04]

Thanks for the replies! I don't really want to just give up but I'm running out of ideas. I tried giving him an ultimatum before and he "chose us" but then just did everything behind my back and found excuses to leave and I caught him so told him its better to just be honest. Hunting season has started and he's already informed me he's going hunting all weekend this weekend and next weekend with his buddies (they smoke and drink the whole time .. With guns.. Its ridiculous) I'm going to go home and visit family for a week and take some time to think but he will be stoked when I tell him I'm leaving.. He gets to party as much as he wants and not have to worry about the baby.

 

[hot tea]

Leaving your OH and the father of your child is never easy... But he really is not leaving you any other options. Unless you somehow accept his behavior as a part of him (because he is clearly not going to change, give up on that one) then you really need to consider stepping out on this one.

 

[Cassie_x]

Oh hun what an idiot! No-one should ever be subject to that abuse, let alone by the father of your baby. It's no way to behave when you have such a young, beautiful son to get drunk and smoke that many (disgusting) cigars. He really needs to wisen up. And hunting? How cruel!!

 

[kimmy04]

I know and I'm trying so hard, I feel like the harder I try the more he just takes advantage of me. Sadly to say, he is the most mature of all his friends and he is very immature. He knows I dislike the people he hangs out with and I know I can't tell him to get new friends, but none of them have kids, or even jobs! So he feels like he's missing out on a lot .. But he gets to do wayy more than I do.. I never go out. I've never been away from kayden for more than an hour or two and he doesn't appreciate what I do. I get that he works but I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yardwork, everything!! And I don't get paid for it, and we don't share accounts so I'm always broke. I don't get benefits because he makes too much money and were common law. Its such a hard living situation but I love him so much and I want kayden to have a family.

 

[lauram_92]

Sounds like he is being really immature and needs to sort himself out because he is getting worse and worse. I hope you can work through it