He doesn't want kids!

[mrsTinthehous]

Anyone else in my boat- hubby doesn't want kids? At all? Was anyone else in my situation before they got pregnant, and then DH came around? Just curious

 

[Diane77]

Nope

 

[Onions]

Yes, my DH didn't want any kids when we met but as we grew together he changed his mind

 

[mrsTinthehous]

Yes, my DH didn't want any kids when we met but as we grew together he changed his mind

Thanks Onions. I'm glad I'm not the only one! The other day my DH made a comment about how loud one of our neighbors' kids were, and I told him, "it makes me sad when you talk about how much you hate kids." He got really quiet, came up and hugged me, and said, "I actually don't really hate kids."


So... he's still not ready to talk about TTC for the future but I'm going to have hope that he'll come around since he's my DH. We've probably got at least until 2020 unless it accidentally miraculously happens before that though... lol... Hard to believe I'll be 30 then!

 

[WackyMumof2]

I'd still sit down and talk about when you can start talking about TTC seriously. If he decides he DOESN'T want kids in a reasonable time frame then you both need different things in your relationship. No matter how much you love him, DON'T sacrifice him for what you need and want in life. I know it hasn't come to that but I'm speaking from experience. My ex didn't want kids and it was one of the contributing factors that tore us apart. Hopefully he does change his mind and want at least 1.

 

[awnmyown]

Not sure how old you both are, but I think age plays a huge factor sometimes. And what people say and what people feel aren't always the same. I complain a fair bit about children, but always wanted them. Just not at that point in my life. Certainly if my partner seemed ready and I didn't, I would make it very clear I didn't want them (at least right then). Once I passed 30, something just changed for me. I think willingness to let you know that he doesn't hate kids is a good sign. People change and grow a lot as they age, and who knows what your future holds. I've had many a friend have their partner change their minds later in life. Some even as late as 40.

 

[mrsTinthehous]

Thanks WackyMum and awnmyown. I'm 27 and he's 33. I didn't really care to think about having kids until recently, but after having a false pregnancy scare last month it hit me just how much I'd like to start trying in a couple of years. DH continually says to me "I don't want kids" and "we're not having kids ever," but he also is in school too for a certification and wants to travel more so I'm still hoping he'll come around. Interestingly, when others ask us about having kids, he'll shyly say "I haven't really thought about it." Others keep assuring, "oh, you will- just give it some time." DH chuckles when this happens.
I couldn't imagine leaving DH. If he doesn't want kids ever, then one of two things will happen: 1) we will accidentally have kids if it was meant to be, or 2) we will foster. Interestingly enough, he has talked about being okay with fostering later on down the road (he sees it as a way of helping struggling kids.) I could see that turning into adoption.


I'm still hopeful. Still doesn't change the fact that my ovaries have decided to start screaming, but I'm hopeful.

 

[alenamiy]

just try to talk to him

 

[KalonKiki]

No, in my relationships I have always been very upfront about how important having kids was to me and it was an absolute deal breaker for me if someone I was dating didn't want kids. My DH and I both agreed from the beginning of our relationship that we'd have at least 2 but no more than 4. We're having some disagreement about #3 as I very much want at least one more baby but he's not comfortable with the idea right now. I'm really hoping he'll come around sometime in the next couple of years.

 

[Babybum35]

My dh was the same. We met when I was 18 and he was 21 and married at 25 and 28. At the time I was really ready for kids but dh wasn't even close to ready. He was adamant about it then when I was 27 we started talking about how I was getting closer to 30 and we both wanted at least 2 kids and to be done by 35. We started TTC when I was 29 turning 30 and dd was born 10 days after I turned 31. We are currently ntnp #2 and hoping to be at least preggers by this time next year.
I will say it made the process easier as we were both prepared for pregnancy and babies and I had some uncommon complications but even then you can't gaurentee how long it will take and timing sex can be hard on a marriage. The one thing I will say is as much as you might want this getting pregnant on purpose by accident could make things really hard for you. I would honestly speak with him and tell him you want kids and when

 

[xMissxZoiex]

For me personally having children was a make or break situation. But I've always known from a very young age I wanted children so if he didn't a relationship would have been a no go for me.

I'd talk to him, I also find a lot of other peoples kids loud and obnoxious but when they're your own its totally different and nothing like baby sitting or being around other peoples kids.

Good luck to you

 

[AlwaysTheAunt]

Hi, I can totally relate to this. I got married in 2013 when I was 21. Husband said after 5 years we would have kids... over the years I have had the worst baby fever and depression over wanting to start a family sooner rather than later. 5 years is approaching next year and now he is saying he hates kids and doesn't want any right now. (He also says he will have them in the future to avoid loosing me). Seems like the 5 year mark came too fast and now he is freaking out. My heart sinks every time someone announces a pregnancy and I've had two within the last 4 days! I can't offer any advice, only that I am in a similar boat

 

[PinkUnicorn.x]

I'm glad this was the first thread I stumbled upon on this forum.

I'm in a similar situation. We're both almost 26, we need at least three months notice before we can start TTC because of some pills that he's on. I've been very open about children and how important they are to me, and thus far, I have waited for him and for us to be in a better place. We've been together 6 years, and there's no reason now why we shouldn't TTC, but he's so unsure of it. As much has he says 'do what you want' and 'I'm not bothered' I really don't want to push him, but at this point I'm not sure if he might need a little nudge.

People I've opened up to about this have always said that 'men are never ready till they hold the baby' and maybe thats going to be the same for him, but I mean it's a thin line to walk with something so important and life changing. He's not saying no any more like he used to, but he's not excited about it either, so I dont really know where to take it.

I'm sort of talking about us both stopping our pills in the new year, and I'm going to see how he reacts nearer the time, and see if he actually does willingly. But at this point im fully expecting to be in the WTT forums for quite a while.

I'm sorry I have no real advise, but the only bit of advice I can give you is to keep talking about it. I've spent a lot of time scared to bring up the topic, and I already regret not putting my foot down more about how I felt and how important it felt to me.

 

[mrsTinthehous]

Thanks all for your support! Glad to know I haven't been the only one. A little bit has changed since I made this original post... It turns out that I have PCOS, which makes conceiving harder... My doctor put me on a birth control for treatment, but as it turns out, I'm in the minority who is still ovulating while on this birth control (at least that's what the OPK shows). After having a convo with my husband, he agrees: if it is meant to be, it'll happen! (And he's coming to terms with that.) So I'm staying on this birth control, but there is an increased chance for me that I can get pregnant while on it... Crossing fingers!

 

[jessie_m]

That’s tough. I was with my highschool sweetheart for almost 8 years. When we were 16 we both wanted kids, but he changed his mind as he got “older” (like 17/18). I figured he’d change his mind again as we got older and more settled since he was always so good with his 4 year old twin siblings. We got pregnant at 19 on accident with my daughter, and he decided to stay and be the best dad he could be despite not wanting children. By the time she turned 3, he bailed because he was so depressed and hated being a father.

I’m not saying this to be a bummer or say that him changing his mind won’t happen. Just be really careful and have a serious talk (with a counselor if need be) about what you guys want for the future. If he’s set on no kids, and you’re set on wanting them, that can be so difficult on a marriage because someone has to “give in”.

My SO now has made it clear from the start that he wants children of his own, and I made sure we had that talk early on. He also loves my little girl and she adores him.

Again, I’m not saying that’s what will happen, but my ex wants nothing to do with our daughter and it really kills me to see her missing him so much, even 3 years after he left. I really, truly hope your story ends differently than mine and he comes around and ends up loving being a father if that’s what you guys chose to do.

 

[Calico_Dreams]

I spent 13 years of my life in a relationship (that was also toxic for other reasons) with someone who was 200% against having children. I mostly thought I was okay with it. After we broke up, I realized it was something I really wanted, and luckily am now in a good relationship with someone who also wants that... but I am also now 35 and we aren't quiet ready yet.

It's hard, but please have a frank talk with him about exactly where things are or are not going, and decide where your priorities truly lie.

 

[mrsTinthehous]

Hi all, here's an update.

Surprise- we're pregnant!! Hubby has come a LONG way since the start of the year. We stopped using protection over the summer... And here I am
He was shocked at the BFP, but who wouldn't be? We are already making plans together to save for a house.
Due July 2019.

 

[Bevziibubble]

Wow congratulations!

 

[justonemore31]

DH and I have been together since we were teenagers and he knew from then I wanted kids. I'm 32 and he's 36 .We have 6 kids now but in the beginning he told me he never thought he wanted kids till he met me. So from the start we both knew we would want. In your case though because of your DHs age and his future he may not change his mind on that and as someone here has already said, don't put that on the back burner just for him. You have to do what makes YOU happy as well. And I think if it accidently happened it might make him feel worse. Unplanned pregnancies change relationships. I'm not trying to be negative but I've seen it happen before. Def have a more serious in depth talk w him about everything

 

[TWO2TANGO]

Wow!! Congratulations mama!!