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He wants to wait...I do NOT! Its driving me mad..

nmv

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I know I'm not alone with this feeling, though sometimes it feels like I am.....
:shipw:


What do we do with men who want to wait, for completely practical reasons, while everything inside us is screaming, "What's wrong with you?! Cant you see there will never be a perfect time?!!"
:hissy:


DH is 37 with a good, stable job.
We've been together 3 years.

I'm 31, have always had irregular periods, and now a history that includes chryotherapy to freeze off precancerous cervical cells, and a failed pregnancy 3.5 years ago (in a past relationship).
:sadangel:

Since then (2011) I've lost 3 grandparents, my favorite uncle, and a cousin to various illnesses/accidents...and in the middle of all the funerals my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer.
(Fortunately, mom is now in remission, so excellent news there!!...)

It's been overwhelming to get hit with so much in such a short period of time, and to build a new relationship and get married in the midst of all of it. I've been doing my best to roll with life's punches and look forward to the wonderful things yet to come, but I'm tired of waiting for the one thing I've always wanted. I'm tired of forces outside my control dictating who I get to have in my life...and I have waited long enough to start a family!

I've been brave and optimistic.

I've tried so hard to be strong.

...but I'm running out of patience.
I need to meet my babies, and no other arguement is compelling enough to change that feeling. There also seems to be nothing I can do or say to change his position.

He wants to wait but can't give me any solid timeline for starting our family, just that we need to be more financially secure, etc. Much as I understand his points, I'm more afraid of complications getting pregnant because we waited too long than a little bit of financial struggle in the beginning. I'm great at budgetting anyway...
(...and he could always sell ONE of his motorcycles if we really needed the money.)

This week its begun to tear us apart.
I cry every day though I try not to let him see, because my goal is NOT to guilt him into anything. At the same time, there are moments when I can barely look at him without losing my composure.
:cry:


It seems this is the final straw for me emotionally, as I can no longer manage to put on a happy face...and a very depressed person (very unlike my usual self) is starting to show through the cracks.
I wanted to be done having kids by 30, but I'll be lucky to get started by 32...and I'm 5'1" with fertility issues and achy joints already...shouldn't I at least get to choose when I put my body through the pregnancy gauntlet?


How do I keep from going crazy?
I dont want to resent him...
:sad1::help:
 
Hey NMV, welcome!

I'm sorry to hear about the conflict that you and dh are having when deciding to TTC.

Question: How is your relationship other than this? Is there some other reason that he's not ready?

My hubby and I also experienced a similar disconnect - in this case, he was the one ready for ttc, and I was the one feeling there was no rush. (2 miscarriages later, I wish I could go kick my former self in the butt.) We sat together and identified the reasons and then created a game plan to overcome those obstacles. It ended up bringing us closer instead of dividing us.
 
I completely COMPLETELY feel you here.

I'm on the verge of 28, irregular periods before on contraception, and newly married. My mum and grandmother both went through early menopause at 38. My mum tried for 10 years to fall pregnant! So part of me worries about these things (I'm a girl! That's just what we do.) My husband's mum was able to just pop out kids left, right & centre, and even managed one in her 40's, so he doesn't see a problem since that is what he grew up seeing.

My husband is the same as yours - he wants to be more financially secure, but wouldn't really give me a time.

We have an amazing relationship, and never argue, except about babies! He finally started to see how much this meant to me, and we are finally in sort of an agreement (as of yesterday.) We are going to not try, not prevent for 6 months and then in 6 months, I'm allowed to chart & be crazy :)

There is no advice I can give you, because you can't force someone to be ready (unfortunately. And I've tried, so I know!)

Do you get along well and have a good relationship other than this baby thing? How long has it been since you've been wanting a baby (that you've been discussing with him anyway)?
 
Might I also add how completely frustrating and utterly unfair it seems that just because someone says NO, that it just means no, and there's nothing you can do about it. Especially when it's our bodies that have to go through the whole thing.
 
I'm sorry to hear you guys are in a similar situation....but selfishly, really glad to have ANYone out there to talk to who really gets how this feels. :p

To answer both your questions, we haven't had the perfect relationship...
We've made it through many trying situations, and often feels like we get little chance to just breathe and be normal...but he put off asking me to marry him until my mom was starting to get better, we put off getting married until after he buys his brother out of the other half of our house..and that didnt happen when it was suppose to (still hasn't), then my grandma passed away this March and we needed to wait until things settled down after that to make big moves in other areas....
And this is the way it has gone.

Finally, when my uncle was put on hospice, I'd had enough.
I wasn't going to keep my life on hold through another grieving process.
We got married in the courthouse, I dressed at my dad's place, so uncle Ron could see me all done up....then he passed away a week later (June 1st).

Life isn't waiting around.
It's happening now whether we like it or not.

At a certain point we have to take the leap of faith.
Am I right, ladies?
Stop preventing the good things from happening in order to make more room for all the heartache...

In under 4 years my family has lost 6 members, and added 0.
We need a better balance here...
 
Btw, last night DH said that he needs at least 5-6 months, and to buy his brother out on this house. He wants a break from all the death and craziness before we start trying.


My 2 HUGE problems with this:

1. He's been talking about buying this house since we met, but when a serious attempt was made early this year, his brother made it impossible to agree on a price and time ran out. So thats a massive wild card in my book.
(DH and his brother have a very strained relationship)

2. Its been shown time and time again that we cannot just wait for things to be calm for awhile, because there is no guarantee we even HAVE another 6 months before tragedy hits again. (I certainly hope we have MUCH longer than that!!)


Is this making sense?...or have I become a raving baby-crazed loon over here?!!!!??!
:wacko:
 
I'm sorry to hear you guys are in a similar situation....but selfishly, really glad to have ANYone out there to talk to who really gets how this feels. :p

To answer both your questions, we haven't had the perfect relationship...
We've made it through many trying situations, and often feels like we get little chance to just breathe and be normal...but he put off asking me to marry him until my mom was starting to get better, we put off getting married until after he buys his brother out of the other half of our house..and that didnt happen when it was suppose to (still hasn't), then my grandma passed away this March and we needed to wait until things settled down after that to make big moves in other areas....
And this is the way it has gone.

Finally, when my uncle was put on hospice, I'd had enough.
I wasn't going to keep my life on hold through another grieving process.
We got married in the courthouse, I dressed at my dad's place, so uncle Ron could see me all done up....then he passed away a week later (June 1st).

Life isn't waiting around.
It's happening now whether we like it or not.

At a certain point we have to take the leap of faith.
Am I right, ladies?
Stop preventing the good things from happening in order to make more room for all the heartache...

In under 4 years my family has lost 6 members, and added 0.
We need a better balance here...

Wow, that's a lot of stuff to go through :( Sorry to hear. I imagine those events do put a strain on any relationship. We haven't had anything like this happen in ours, so maybe that's why our relationship seems "amazing."

How long have you been trying to convince him that it's time for a baby?
 
And no - it makes sense!
But I often feel the exact same way. It becomes that way when you are desperate for something.
 
There shud be compromise but I've had to go through this too and its not nice
 
And no - it makes sense!
But I often feel the exact same way. It becomes that way when you are desperate for something.

This is true! Relationships need compromise. Originally my husband wanted to wait 2 more years, but we compromised on REALLY trying in 6 months. I am thankful that he was willing to compromise :flower:
 
...and this morning we ended up in a fight because I asked him to get his sperm checked.
I feel its more than fair.
If he wants me to wait, I'd just like to be sure his swimmers are in good shape.

That's reasonable, right?

I feel like I have no voice in the matter.
...and its My Body!!!
:'(
 
I mean, right?
...I should have SOME say, at least.
 
...and this morning we ended up in a fight because I asked him to get his sperm checked.
I feel its more than fair.
If he wants me to wait, I'd just like to be sure his swimmers are in good shape.

That's reasonable, right?

I feel like I have no voice in the matter.
...and its My Body!!!
:'(

If he's saying no, and you asked him to go get his sperm checked anyway, he has every right to be mad.


And as for 'it's my body' - HAVING A BABY IS WAY MORE THAN JUST THE CHANGES THAT HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY. It is also YOUR LIFE AND HIS LIFE AND THE LIFE OF THE CHILD. It is dedicating the next 18 years of your life to taking care of another person entirely, from both of you. Just because it's your body that's going to change doesn't mean you have the right to force an entire lifetime of change that he isn't ready for on him.

Please get out of this "but it's my body" mindset. Just because your body will change and not his, it doesn't entitle you to force him to do something for the rest of his life that he doesn't want.
 
...and this morning we ended up in a fight because I asked him to get his sperm checked.
I feel its more than fair.
If he wants me to wait, I'd just like to be sure his swimmers are in good shape.

That's reasonable, right?

I feel like I have no voice in the matter.
...and its My Body!!!
:'(

If he's saying no, and you asked him to go get his sperm checked anyway, he has every right to be mad.


And as for 'it's my body' - HAVING A BABY IS WAY MORE THAN JUST THE CHANGES THAT HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY. It is also YOUR LIFE AND HIS LIFE AND THE LIFE OF THE CHILD. It is dedicating the next 18 years of your life to taking care of another person entirely, from both of you. Just because it's your body that's going to change doesn't mean you have the right to force an entire lifetime of change that he isn't ready for on him.

Please get out of this "but it's my body" mindset. Just because your body will change and not his, it doesn't entitle you to force him to do something for the rest of his life that he doesn't want.

I do agree that it's not THE reason to have a baby, but it is A reason. There is only a certain amount of time a gal has before the window of opportunity is gone!

I guess your next thing is to think about your relationship. Maybe you want to be in a better place before bringing a child in to the mix?
 
Why are you asking him to get his sperm checked when you're not ttcing and when he said he wants to wait? I could understand asking him if you were going to start to try.
 
If he's saying no, and you asked him to go get his sperm checked anyway, he has every right to be mad.


And as for 'it's my body' - HAVING A BABY IS WAY MORE THAN JUST THE CHANGES THAT HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY. It is also YOUR LIFE AND HIS LIFE AND THE LIFE OF THE CHILD. It is dedicating the next 18 years of your life to taking care of another person entirely, from both of you. Just because it's your body that's going to change doesn't mean you have the right to force an entire lifetime of change that he isn't ready for on him.

Please get out of this "but it's my body" mindset. Just because your body will change and not his, it doesn't entitle you to force him to do something for the rest of his life that he doesn't want.


Interesting how a complete stranger, with no stake in the situation at all, jumped on the offensive so quickly.

Your position is incredibly presumptuous, Prettybirdy...and rather judgemental. I do not take the financial burdon of children lightly, and not once have I said he doesn't want children. He wants them "as soon as possible"...


((Sigh))

To clarify for everyone, because I realize I may have left out some specifics in an attempt to avoid writing a full novel (lol)...
Our biggest issue is financial. He is a self proclaimed "expensive monkey", and admits to having a bit of Peter Pan syndrome...you know, "I'm a little boy forever" type decision making...(though he's actively making changes in that area)
I love him to pieces, so naturally I care deeply how he feels...which is exactly why his casual approach to such an incredibly important life move has had me increasingly frazzled lately. At a certain age, you have to sit down and work out the numbers, because nature has its own rules when it comes to fertility.

(P.S. I have a family history of massive reproductive issues, with my aunt needing her historectomy at 20 and grandma having hers at 34, plus mom's various issues...then of course my sister and I both having pre-cancerous cells frozen off our cervix(s) already. I have genuine cause for concern here.)

This is why I asked him to check his swimmers. We were't getting anywhere with a real timeline, I had gotten nowhere with 3 different ideas for compromise, and it was a desperate attempt to find SOMEthing to give me ANY piece of mind during an undetermined wait time.


There is a certain point where waiting to make the environment "perfect" before trying for a family carries more risk than letting things overlap a little. I mean, jeez...for a couple starting out, we are already WAAAAAY ahead in so many areas.
Sometimes you have to compromise on what would be "perfect enough"..
:winkwink:
 
If he's saying no, and you asked him to go get his sperm checked anyway, he has every right to be mad.


And as for 'it's my body' - HAVING A BABY IS WAY MORE THAN JUST THE CHANGES THAT HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY. It is also YOUR LIFE AND HIS LIFE AND THE LIFE OF THE CHILD. It is dedicating the next 18 years of your life to taking care of another person entirely, from both of you. Just because it's your body that's going to change doesn't mean you have the right to force an entire lifetime of change that he isn't ready for on him.

Please get out of this "but it's my body" mindset. Just because your body will change and not his, it doesn't entitle you to force him to do something for the rest of his life that he doesn't want.


Interesting how a complete stranger, with no stake in the situation at all, jumped on the offensive so quickly.

Your position is incredibly presumptuous, Prettybirdy...and rather judgemental. I do not take the financial burdon of children lightly, and not once have I said he doesn't want children. He wants them "as soon as possible"...


((Sigh))

To clarify for everyone, because I realize I may have left out some specifics in an attempt to avoid writing a full novel (lol)...
Our biggest issue is financial. He is a self proclaimed "expensive monkey", and admits to having a bit of Peter Pan syndrome...you know, "I'm a little boy forever" type decision making...(though he's actively making changes in that area)
I love him to pieces, so naturally I care deeply how he feels...which is exactly why his casual approach to such an incredibly important life move has had me increasingly frazzled lately. At a certain age, you have to sit down and work out the numbers, because nature has its own rules when it comes to fertility.

(P.S. I have a family history of massive reproductive issues, with my aunt needing her historectomy at 20 and grandma having hers at 34, plus mom's various issues...then of course my sister and I both having pre-cancerous cells frozen off our cervix(s) already. I have genuine cause for concern here.)

This is why I asked him to check his swimmers. We were't getting anywhere with a real timeline, I had gotten nowhere with 3 different ideas for compromise, and it was a desperate attempt to find SOMEthing to give me ANY piece of mind during an undetermined wait time.


There is a certain point where waiting to make the environment "perfect" before trying for a family carries more risk than letting things overlap a little. I mean, jeez...for a couple starting out, we are already WAAAAAY ahead in so many areas.
Sometimes you have to compromise on what would be "perfect enough"..
:winkwink:

I understand where you're coming from! My family history is a lot like yours! I don't seem to have any underlying issues though with my own health at this stage, which is why I think it would be a perfect time to start. I'm almost 28.
 
I understand where you're coming from! My family history is a lot like yours! I don't seem to have any underlying issues though with my own health at this stage, which is why I think it would be a perfect time to start. I'm almost 28.


I'm so happy for you guys, sorry to hear about your family history..but everything sounds like your timing will be perfect. That's just the age I intended to be my cutoff to get started, then I lost that pregnancy and the relationship went with it....I MET my husband at 28, lol.
Funny thing is, I never wanted to get married, but always intended to have 2 kids by age 30....here I am, MARRIED (HUGE shocker to my loved ones) with no kids yet.
So much for plans, huh? :p

Oh well, there's still time over here..no need to panic...
(I'll just keep repeating that to myself! LOL)

..PLUS, I think DH and I have come to a bit of an understanding on timing!..
((fingers crossed))
:happydance:
 
You can't force him to have a baby, but maybe you can urge him to give you a REAL amount of time to wait. If it's a deal breaker for you, you need it tell him that. Only problem is, you'd still have to meet someone else, and spend a few more years until someone else would be ready. It's tricky!!
 
I understand where you're coming from! My family history is a lot like yours! I don't seem to have any underlying issues though with my own health at this stage, which is why I think it would be a perfect time to start. I'm almost 28.


I'm so happy for you guys, sorry to hear about your family history..but everything sounds like your timing will be perfect. That's just the age I intended to be my cutoff to get started, then I lost that pregnancy and the relationship went with it....I MET my husband at 28, lol.
Funny thing is, I never wanted to get married, but always intended to have 2 kids by age 30....here I am, MARRIED (HUGE shocker to my loved ones) with no kids yet.
So much for plans, huh? :p

Oh well, there's still time over here..no need to panic...
(I'll just keep repeating that to myself! LOL)

..PLUS, I think DH and I have come to a bit of an understanding on timing!..
((fingers crossed))
:happydance:

I always knew I wanted to have children (after marriage) but I was never in much of a hurry. As soon as I turned 27, it was like something went off in my brain and I just HAVE to have a baby! Lol. What's the timing you've agreed on? That's good news..

Why didn't you want to get married? :)
 

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