Heartbroken - LONG post

[lov3mykids]

Hi,

I changed my username as I think my old one was a bit revealing in case anyone is reading that knows me.

I don't know where to begin...but I guess the only way to say it is my husband is leaving me. 32 weeks pregnant and DS is 3.5yrs. I have never felt so depressed, alone, confused and hurt in my whole life

Since I have been pregnant I knew that we were having some problems...I thought it was my morning sickness which was making things hard as he had to pick up alot of the work at home with DS as I was unable to do much those early weeks. But he just became more and more distant - and so unaffectionate towards me. I questioned him lots of times and more often than not it caused more arguments. I had a gut feeling he had someone else but again when I questioned him he got so angry at me for even suggesting it. He became so protective over his phone, never letting it out of his sight and putting passwords on his chat apps etc. Looking back I guess I did know but was afraid to make it 'real' i suppose.

About 8 weeks ago he was in the shower and I looked at his phone. I know its wrong and I have never been that type of girlfriend/wife but I needed to know. I found messages from her and him. Talking about fantasizing about dating her and finding it so hard being in the same city as her (she lives abroad but was in Sydney that week). I confronted him and of course was livid. He begged, pleaded and I guess I didnt want to throw away 11yrs of my life and 1 yr of marriage so I gave him another chance. We did counselling a few times and I thought we were doing well. It was so hard for me to forgive but he swore it was only flirty texts and a bit of a crush. He broke off all contact and gave me access to his phone/emails etc. Which I hated checking but the trust was gone.
She works for the same company but in another city. I caught him lying again 4 weeks later when I found out that she was coming to Sydney and they were having a work weekend away. I asked was she going and he said no. But I knew she was. Blatently lying to me! I nearly ended it again...but again I gave him another shot. He swore he would never lie again and that there was no contact with her anymore. He also agreed not to go on the weekend away with her, all be it he was not happy about that

A couple of times the past few weeks I again felt like something was not right. I just knew.... and on Friday night he came home drunk and passed out. Me (being so pregnant was typically unable to sleep!!) lying there and his phone buzzed multiple times. And it was her....and he had called her twice before he came home. I also found messages where he tells her he loves her

I confronted him (again) and he tried to lie but in the end it all came out. He said he doesnt 'think' he loves her, but he has feelings still. He couldnt stay away from her. He swears it has never been physical but they have 'nearly' kissed. I think its worse that he told her he loved her and has spent the past 8 months essentially having a girlfriend.

Yesterday he told me that she is not the issue. That he has not been happy with me for a long time and doesnt know if he wants to be married to me anymore. So instead of me being hurt and angry and deciding whether to take him back...it has flipped and now I am in limbo waiting to see if he wants to stay and choose me I dont understand how he could marry me and try for a baby for 9 months (we had a miscarriage before I got pregnant too) yet maintain he was miserable. I feel like my whole marriage has been invalidated. I guess looking back I can see we became more distant from each other - raising a kid with no help and being pregnant is stressful. But I did not know how bad he thought it was.

He says its not a choice between me or her...but it is. He told her he couldnt talk to her while he tries to sort it all out and she said that he could contact her when he makes up his mind. So it is a choice. And I know I am going to lose. He has started counselling to try sort his head out.

He is living with us still (on the couch). He says he still loves me but is not in love with me. I dont think any words have ever cut so deep before. He is trying to help out with our son and stuff to take care of me because he has treated me so sh*t. But its all guilt I think, I have a feeling that if I wasnt pregnant he would be gone I cant eat or sleep. I am dying inside and I dont know what to do. I have had 2 eggs and a glass of wine today I know its not good for the baby but I cant help it - I am sick to my stomach.

Does anyone have any advice please???

Do I let him continue to live with us, and try to just accept that he has to sort out his head and make a decision? Do I let him ease his guilt by helping us out. Or do I kick him out and do it alone - I have no family in the country so I will be on my own. The idea of having a baby, dealing with a newborn and a toddler by myself is so overwhelming. I'm so scared If I kick him out am I pushing him away forever...and making him choose her? God I have so many questions that my head hurts.

Sorry again that this is the biggest essay ever but I am trying to make sense of it all in my head. If no one replies its fine, I guess I just needed to get it all out!

 

[onceisenough1]

Oh wow...I am so sorry. I would be terrified as well, but I would let him go. YOu don't want to be with someone you don't trust.

I would have given him another chance at first to be honest. But he is going WAAAY beyond flirting over text. He is telling another woman that he loves her. THe best revenge on a woman that takes your man is to let her keep him.

 

[October2013]

Wow hun, that is such a horribly tough situation and you have my deepest condolences.
I can't say for sure what I would do if I were you, since I'm not in the situation, but my initial thought and gut instinct says to let him go. What he's doing to you is mentally torturous, and you don't deserve that, not while pregnant, not ever... Yes it may be tough raising a toddler and a newborn on your own, but you're a woman, you ARE strong and you CAN do it. You can find strength in yourself that you never knew existed, especially once removing him from your life.
If this is something that can be worked out in the future, then that's great. But to continue living that way, just waiting on him to decide if he wants you or not.. That just sounds terrible.
I truly hope things work out for you and your family, and again I am sorry you have to deal with this, especially right now. We are here for you.

 

[Louise88]

I'm so sorry Hun Personally I'd let him go. My oh cheated on me when I was 13 weeks pregnant I decided to work through it but I know if he was ever to do it again he'd be gone.

Unfortunately I don't have any good advice to give you but you could post in the single parents part of the forum as there will be woman in similar situations and have managed to cope on their own with a toddler and newborn.

 

[jocelynmarie]

Wow, I am SO incredibly sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to say as far as advise goes, but I just wanted to give you support. My OH went through something similar when we fu rst got together. I still check his phone every once in a while... trust is hard to regain after something like that... at this point I'd say letting go may be best for all of you. It'll take longer for you all to adjust living together but not being together.

 

[kassxox]

My advice would be to let him go, if it were me I would never be able to trust him again, even if things were working out. What he has done is completely inappropriate and disrespectful. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I've been through it in the past but I can't even imagine what it would be like when children are involved, and being very pregnant

 

[crossedfinger]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that you're dealing with this, especially when pregnant. My advice is to kick him out. He hasn't just done this once; he's done this multiple times.

 

[Soon2bemum]

First of all big (((((hugs))))) also remember its easy for people like me that say what they would do if it happened to them but actually doing it is another thing, unless you have been through something like this its hard to know what to do for best but one thing is for sure that things will never be the same again I would like to think that I would ask him to leave, he needs to know what it feels like to not have you & his family around. Allow him to have access to see your son at times that suit you. Hopefully he will miss you all and realise what he is missing. Do you have any good friends you can lean on or even someone that can come & stay with you for a few days for support. I really hope find the strength to get through the next few weeks & remember the most important thing is you and your babies xx

 

[amazed]

I'm so sorry, I think I would let him go I think i would be far to hurt if he came back then I guess he made his choice to be with you although it hurts and I wouldn't personally want a man being with me because he feels that's what he should do, he will realise the grass isn't greener on the other side it may seem it but he will realise what he's throwing away massive huge xx

 

[ama]

Sending you the biggest hugs first of all . You don't deserve to be treated as second best and his head seems all over the place,something that you shouldn't be having to deal with especially at this time . I could say let him go but I know it's hard . We still love ppl even after they betray or hurt us . I would slowly distance myself away from him while he is staying there , maybe join a group of some sort weather its pregnancy related or other woman going thru the same thing . Anything that gives you your confidence back to feel like you can stand on your own in this situation and move on from him . It's hard getting that independence back after being with someone for so long but it can done . Remember this isn't about you ,it's about him and you haven't changed from the woman he loved so please don't blame yourself in this . It's him that should be waiting for you to decide what you want ,he doesn't deserve that choice and you shouldn't give it to him because you are better than that and he is losing out ,not you xx

 

[Heramys]

Oh my what a horrible situation for you! I feel so for you and I'm so sad this is happening.
I really can't say what you should do as I know how hard it is to leave someone you love even if they've hurt you. However I did but we didn't live together and didnt have any family but it really hurt and I was heartbroken for well over a year, so can relate.

You're mentioning you are living in another country without any other family? I don't know your circumstances, but could you move back 'home'? Would you have friends and family there to support you?

I just want to hug you IRL.

 

[mummysarah]

I hope you ladies dont judge me for this but in a way, i behave like the op's husband. Before i got pregnant with this baby i had met someone else. Short story is, it was a massive mistake! I was adamant i didnt love my husband anymore. He hadnt shown me any love for a long long time. I tried to talk to him for years. He found out and was the one begging me!! we started to try again and i cut the "other" out of my life. Im thankful to my hysband everyday for not giving up on me and he is the most loving man now. He tells me im beautiful and i think we are the happiest weve been in a long time. Im so ashamed of the way i behaved, but this other man made me feel loved, needed and wanted. In no way am i saying you treated your husband wrongly, thats just my story. What im Saying is that things can change from being at rock bottom and work out well. I love my husband more than he could ever know, when a year ago i thought it was over. I really do mean for this o be a positive story and i hope people dont judge me. Like tge saying goes, we dont know what we got til its gone. I wish you all the best x

 

[J.D.]

I'm not going to say to leave or stay or anything because that decision is yours and yours alone. Personally, I cut people out of my life very quickly and with little provocation. That said, I know couples who have certainly recovered from this kind of a situation and are very happy now. Both options are open to you, and other ones are too.

That said, because you are married and because this could become a divorce, try and do your future self some favours. Snapshots of those text messages wouldn't go amiss if he tries to deny everything later on. Keep notes of conversations had and things he's admitted to when it comes to cheating, and of your suspicions.

As well, don't let this get too ugly. Don't let it devolve into name calling and angry phone calls and yelling matches. You'll always regret these, especially when there's a child around to experience not only the yelling but also the hurt in the air. And you don't need the stress. If you guys can figure out a way to live in peace until baby arrives and you're able to cope, that's fantastic.

You say you're an immigrant. So am I. And honestly, in your situation, I'd be very tempted to run home for the support during such a vulnerable time. Is that an option for you? Does your son have a passport? Hubby might not be happy about it, but it would give you support and give him the space he needs to figure out whatever is going on in his head.

I really hope this all works out for you. God knows you don't need this right now.

 

[Hunbun]

OP this is such a horrible situation for you and I can't imagine how hurt and scared you are feeling.

Like a lot of the other posters have said I don't know how I would react in this situation. Firstly I think that if it comes to it and you are left to be a single parent to toddler and newborn, then you will be absolutely fine. It will be hard but you will manage and give your LO's all the love that they need and deserve.

Personally I think that your OH has a lot of thinking to do, but he shouldn't be doing that in your family home. He needs to realise how serious this decision is, if he chooses this other woman then he will be no longer part of your family home. So maybe he should trial that for a few days while he thinks, this give you the space to think as well.

At the end of the day even if he says he will stay with you, can you trust him and forgive him? I don't know if I could. Has he even explained why he is feeling this way? Does he think something is missing from your relationship, like are you not spending enough time with him or something? Or have his feelings just changed all of a sudden for no reason?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

 

[MrsH1980]

Oh Hun, how truly awful
First things first you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself, your unborn baby and your DS - as hard as it is don't let yourself unravel - eat well (ish), lay off he alcohol (it'll only depress you further), rest where u can

Only you can make the decisions in relation to your husband - it sounds like you've been with him many years; maybe this is out of character and counselling will bring out some issues that you want to work through.

I know none of this is any consolation to the hurt you must be feeling right now

 

[angelandbump]

this is really the last thing you need at the moment!

First of all, I always said once a cheat, always a cheat and I stick by it. If he could not cut ties the 1st time you caught him and he continued knowing how much it would break your heart then he is not worth a single tear or sleepless night because i'm sure he didn't have any over what he has done!

Of course I can sit and comment when I have never been through it but your relationship sounds like it was over a long time ago... one main thing needed is trust and with out that, it causes conflict and can you imagine bringing up a child in that kind of atmosphere?

I really wish you well in what ever decision you make but if it was me, he wouldn't even have the luxury of sleeping on my sofa. He needs to know the grass isn't always greener on the other side and if he goes running to her than more the fool him.

I would have wrote her number down and called her and asked her does she know he is married with a baby on the way? At the end of the day he is the one in the wrong but if she is aware of you then she is almost as bad! x

 

[Sarah_529406]

I am soo sorry you are going thru this...If it was me I dont think I could even stand him being in the house anymore, but you have to do whatever you feel is right for you right now..and try not to get too over stressed if you can...just try to stay focused on you and the baby.

 

[Bambola]

So sorry for this horrible predicament u are in lovely... Sending you love and positive energy..

I think it will be extremely difficult but u need to think about yourself and the babies... It may mean making the difficult decision to kick him out...

Xxx

 

[zanDark]

I'm so so sorry you're going through this My heart aches for you

I'd personally let him go and tell him to get out and do whatever it is he needs to do. It's very difficult and I've been in a similar situation with my ex, but you deserve soooo much better than waiting around to see what his decision will be. It's not fair for you to have to deal with this pain and letting him sleep on your couch and "think about it" is benefiting him at your expense.

I really don't mean to sound harsh and I apologize if I do...but let him go. It's going to be difficult and painful, but you'll find strength in knowing that you took matters into your own hands and made the best decision for you

 

[JayMari]

This brought tears to my eyes . I'm so sorry youre going through this at what's supposed to be the most precious time of your life. I put myself in your shoes as I read and it broke my heart. My advice would be to not chase him, don't force him to be somewhere he doesn't want to be ( not saying you have) but give him time to realize what he really wants because then it will be genuine. I hope things work out and this is just a phase for him. No woman deserves this, especially while pregnant. We do so much for men without them even realizing it. I mean youre brining his child into this world for Christ sake! I try to keep my OH happy, I try to still look sexy even though I look like a whale, I try to understand him when he doesn't even understand me. What I'm saying is, men sometimes take us for granted. Hopefully he realizes what he has before its gone. I'm telling you, don't settle for being a CHOICE. You are not an option!