Help !! Is my wife bonding.....

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by enginesuck, Feb 4, 2007.

  1. enginesuck

    enginesuck Member

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    Hello all, first of all can I say that this looks like a great site, secondly my wife and I had our first baby one month ago yesterday, he is a gorgeous little boy named Ben and I love him very much.

    My problem is my wife has no bond to speak of with Ben, she has told me this much herself and had even admitted that she has more of a bond with the dog. If it wasnt so hard for me id laugh.

    She is breastfeeding which is to be honest very hard, she went through the cracked nipple/bleeding thing and I was really proud she came out the other side, he has gained weight eventually (took a while) but now feeds CONSTANTLY well when he is awake its every half hour or so, his sleep pattern is non existent, he can go thee four hours sleeping but never at night. Mostly my wife is feeding all night long. Give or take an hour.

    Ive tried to encourage her to express some milk so i can feed but she seldom express's enough for a full feed (he takes 5oz no problems)

    Now my problem is I think my wife is very very tired ( I do all the housework and cooking) so im trying to help but i work full time as well, all i can see is a glum mum and a crotchety baby.

    I have to go away with work to iraq in four weeks time, for a period of 10 weeks and im so worried she will end up with PND.

    Now ive tried talikng to her but she is very stubborn about the breast feeding( I think bottle will help her enormously) I am being supportive but she takes any suggestion i make as an attack on her parenting skills.

    I am to be honest Knackered myself and I dont know what to do....

    Please help.[/u]
     
  2. Minxy

    Minxy Well-Known Member

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    Poor you!

    I would say it took me a good couple of months to bond properly with my baby, it's a myth that it happens overnight. Too many women are scared to say how they feel, she should be applauded for confiding in you.

    I wasn't a breastfeeder but I hear quite often how challenging it can be. She seems determined to keep trying, so has she tried any outside help? I don't think people are made aware enough about it but she should have access to some form of breastfeeding counselling 24/7. Getting in touch with the NCT should shed some light on this.

    I hope you get through this positively as a family, the very fact you are commnunicating like this is wonderful.
     
  3. beanie

    beanie Well-Known Member

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    Hi and welcome to the site.

    I thought I would just share a bit of my experience. I have had PND for 13 months now. My little girl was a very boob orientated baby - I fed her constantly and it was exhausting. I really struggled to bond, I felt I could do nothing right for her and the only thing that I could do for her was to breastfeed her (in my mind). My OH was understandably very worried about me and he kept suggesting putting her on the bottle again as he could see how exhausted I was and how much I was struggling with everyhting, however I took that as a criticism from him, that I wasn't able to cope and that he was not helping me. It was completely irrational thinking on my part but at the time I couldn't see that and I felt that the whole world was against me. My poor OH was only trying to help but I couldn't and wouldn't see that.

    Is your HV easy to talk to, would your partner be able to share her feelings with her or maybe a Dr? Perhaps like Minxy suggested a breastfeeding group would be a great source of support, plus she will meet other mums.

    Your baby is only a month old and the feeding will still be irratic. This should start to calm down in the next month, and there will be more of a pattern to his feeding. As for the night-time feeding is your baby in bed with you? Seren would wake a lot and in the end I just started co-sleeping, that way baby would feed and I would get sleep. I know co-sleeping isn't for everyone but it did work for me.

    I just wanted to say it sounds as if you are both doing a wonderful job, and that you are being very supportive. I can empathise with how you are feeling, from talking with my OH I can understand what a hard time he goes through. It does get better, my baby is 13 months old now and I am finally feeling like I am bonding with her. I have good days and bad days but it is settling down.
     
  4. Caroline

    Caroline Proud Mum of 4

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    My dd was exactly the same. She fed constantly day and night. One day the health visitor called and i was exhausted had been nearly round the clock feeding. Had dd asleep about 2 to 3 in morning then awake again about 5-6. I spoke to her about topping up with bottle at night to see if it helped 'cos i was at my wits end, i just desparately needed sleep ( i was bf too). To my amazement she was all for i so i went out and bought formula that day. Around 10to 11 oclock I gave heer a 4oz bottle of formula which she wolfed down and then slept till 6am. Iwas so relieved and felt better for some sleep. I did this on a regular basis. I breastfed the rest of the time but just gave the one bottle at night. I am going to get some formula in just in case for this lo cos i'm not going thru it afgain. I can fully understand how your wife feels cos i was getting to the stage where when she cried for a feed i just wanted to walk away and say no, youve had enough and i want some sleep, which made me feel like a bad mother. I hopre ben settles soon, and that your wife gets some sleep, it will definitely make a difference. :hugs:
     
  5. bexxie

    bexxie Well-Known Member

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    I havent got a great deal of advice but didn't want to read and run. So **Hugs** to you. You sound a wonderful partner to have,and you will both get through this.

    I noticed the NCT was mentioned in a previous post,they are a wonderful support network if you go on their website they will show you the stuff going on round you,literally in your village/town,and they have an excellent facility (is that right word?) of breast-feeding network,counsellors etc

    Take care

    Bex
     
  6. enginesuck

    enginesuck Member

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    Thanks very much for the replies so far, we have just been passed over to the health visitor from the midwife, so havent actually met the HV yet.... Im hoping she'll be understanding. My wife isnt exactly outgoing and tends to say everything is fine when it might not be.... I had to tell the midwife about the breastfeeding mini crisis we had a couple of weeks ago, because i dont think the mrs would have.

    Another thing i think hasnt helped is that the midwife left the maternity notes at our house by mistake when she visited and the mrs being the mrs had a nose through and one of the midwives ( one who only saw us twice and one the wife never felt comfortable with) had written some critical stuff about the mrs's feeding. Reading that has dented her confidence big time, and she is mortified that other people are going to read it and think bad of her. Ive pointed out that everything else written by our regular midwives have been really positive but it doesnt seem to help.

    I really like the idea of the bottle at night and think it would really help so im going to mention it, and see how it goes. As for the breastfeeding councelling/support network has anybody got a link??? I think that might help but im not sure if mrs will be up for it.

    Thank you all once again feels good to get stuff off my chest, and have some helpful advice in return !!
     
  7. beanie

    beanie Well-Known Member

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    Do you think that she would benefit from joining a forum to chat if she doesn't like face to face contact??

    One of my midwives at the hospital was horrible and said that she didn't want me to go home after 3 days as she didn't think I was doing well at the feeding and made me feel like shit. However I proved her wrong and it was such a satisfying feeling.

    I would just caution on introducing a bottle of formula. With your little one being so small this is the time when they are letting your wife's body know how much milk they need, and introducing a bottle can interfere with this. I just worry that if she is having a confidence issue with the feeding then this is not really the best way to go. I mixed fed at the beginning and I really struggled to get my milk back up, it wasn't until Seren was 4 months that I was able to feed her exclusively. Also I found it made no difference wih her sleeping too whether she had bottle or boob. The age he is, is prime growth spurt age and it will soon settle down. Treat your wife to a DVD or a good book so when she has to stay feeding for a while she has something to do, and just keep telling her how great she is doing, and how proud you are of her.

    Your HV should know of some local breastfeeding groups. Otherwise you can phone La Leche League or the NCT. I will get their contact numbers for you.
     
  8. Lauz_1601

    Lauz_1601 Well-Known Member

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    When Ella was born I breastfed for a few weeks, I found it very hard the sore cracked nipples, feeding constantly, crying to be fed constantly! I gave in and weaned her onto a bottle! Although I really really wanted to breastfeed, I wasnt happy, I wasnt enjoying her so in turn she wasnt happy either! When I put her on the bottle things changed so much for me! Iwas much much happier and started to enjoy and bond with Ella!

    Im not saying she should give it up, becuase she obviously really wants to do it! But sometimes I think women feel under pressure to breastfeed and feel there doing wrong by going onto the bottle, this is how I felt I was in two minds thinking I would be a failure, but one night whilst in pain and in tears I decided that was enough, I spoke to the midwife, didnt get a lecture or anything and went from there! And she also slept through a week later :)

    This might not be the right choice for your partner, she may feel worse if she goes to bottle and regret it, or she may be happier like I was! But if she reason she is carring on is becuase she feels under pressure to do so and feels like she should then you need to reassure her she does have a choice here!

    You sound like a very supportive partner to her, she's lucky to have you! sit down and have a chat about it. Ok I'll shut up now! good luck hope it all goes well x x x x
     
  9. enginesuck

    enginesuck Member

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    Hi guys last night was another long one twice in the night for two hours each time, mrs got about three hours sleep in total , though ben has slept a lot today. Which i guess might mean he wont tonight!!! I mentioned the night bottle and got a negative reaction. Its very frustrating because mrs is not enjoying this early motherhhood experience and I know if she went with more expressing and or a formula bottle last thing at night so she could get some more sleep, things might be brighter. It feels like everything i say is ruled out of hand straight away. Im Not a happy bunny at the moment.
     
  10. Kina

    Kina Well-Known Member

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    Is your wife sleeping during the day when Ben sleeps? I found the first 10 weeks of breastfeeding the hardest, once they were over with it became a lot easier. I too found it very stressful and painful in the beginning and I did top up a handful of times with formula in the evenings which really buggered up my milk supply. This meant that it took longer for Ella's feeding to settle which made me feel worse in the long run, so topping up with formula wasn't an ideal solution. Personally I don't recommend it at all.

    My advice to your wife would be to rest as much as possible during the day. If she can't sleep then tell her to take it easy, eat and drink plenty and enjoy the breaks she has. If Ella was having a really feedy day then I'd sit down with a DVD and just let her feed as much as she wanted, in fact I quite miss those days when she was happy to feed for pretty much the whole duration of a film!! She obviously doesn't want to top up with a bottle and I admire her determination. There is plenty of support out there, she should have a chat with a breastfeeding counsellor, someone from La Leche League would be ideal. As it seems you want to help your wife why don't you sit down with her whilst she contacts someone? Personally I found the advice from the Health Visitors absolutely pants when it came to breastfeeding issues so I don't know how much help you'll get there.

    If she wants a chat then let her know about the forum!
     
  11. Iwantone!!!

    Iwantone!!! Well-Known Member

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    u seem a very supportive partner is there anyone else she can talk to when ur not there family friends??/
     
  12. enginesuck

    enginesuck Member

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    Hi its been a few weeks since i posted but id just like to say thank you for all the advice/suggestions. Everything is 500% better now. Feeding is great (ben has a bottle every few days when he really is feeding a lot or if i take him for the night so mrs can get a good nights sleep) Mrs is very definatly bonded.

    cheers !!
     
  13. Caroline

    Caroline Proud Mum of 4

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    Glad to hear everything is much better now.
     
  14. Jase

    Jase Well-Known Member

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    excellent news hope thing contuine for the better :thumpup:
     
  15. Lauz_1601

    Lauz_1601 Well-Known Member

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    thats fantastic news! The first few weeks are hard then you realise the love for this little baby and things get mich better! You sound very happy now Im glad things have gotten better :)
     
  16. Iwantone!!!

    Iwantone!!! Well-Known Member

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    thats great news glad everything has settle we likely to see any pics soon ???
     
  17. vicky

    vicky Well-Known Member

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    thats great news glad to hear it
     
  18. beanie

    beanie Well-Known Member

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    Good to hear everything is better :)
     

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