Merriemaid
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- Joined
- Mar 28, 2012
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Hello!
I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for nipping a potential meddling MIL in the bud without coming across as terribly insensitive or rude. My DH and I are at the tail end of the first trimester (1 week and 2 days left), and my MIL is already starting to drive me a little batty. I'm 36 (and will be 37 when the baby arrives) and it's our first pregnancy, so I'd initially wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester - you know, the "scary" period - to tell anyone.
Well, about 8 weeks in I was feeling so sick and so terrible that I had to call my mommy and ask for advice. (Yes, even at 36 we still need our mommies, don't we?) My parents live 2 hours away so I had to tell them over the phone, but even though this is their first grandchild there wasn't any screaming or crying or hysteria, because my parents are relatively low-key (like me and my DH). They were elated, if course, but it's not as if it came as a gigantic surprise. I am 36 and the clock is really ticking, after all.
The problem is, of course, that having told my parents, I didn't feel it would have been fair not to tell his mother until Mother's Day weekend (safely outside the first trimester, and our original plan). So we sprung the news to her at Easter while we were at his Aunt's house for the family event (cuz my parents live 2 hours away), and of course there was the crying and the hugging and the hysteria that I generally try to avoid in my everyday life. Had there been another, more private time to do it I would have gone that route, but we did want it to be a surprise, and it would have been hard to say, "Hey, let's get together for a special dinner" without tipping her off.
The week after Easter she wanted us to come over to her house for dinner, which is fine, we hadn't been to her house for dinner in a long time, and even though I was still on a strict diet of mashed potatoes and cottage cheese, I appreciated the thought. The problem is, she is gradually going more and more into "crazy grandma" mode. She's giving all sorts of unsolicited advice, discussing my pregnancy weight and symptoms (I should mention I'm a very private person), she's calling more than my own mother to ask how I'm doing, and last night she called and wanted to know if she would be seeing us this weekend, even though we were JUST there two weekends ago, and we had never said anything about going over this weekend, and we're going to see her for Mother's Day next weekend. Not to mention any time I update my Facebook status she says something about how much she loves us and the baby, and when I posted that I'd heard the baby's heartbeat, she replied with, "That's my grandbaby!!!"
I know, I know, this probably seems like petty crap to be posting about, but knowing how she is I can see this snowballing into a major thing when the baby is actually here. She has graciously offered to babysit for us during the week so we don't have to incur daycare expenses, but DH's family is already kind of going nuts about this, like talking about how exciting it will be to have a baby at Christmas, when our baby will be roughly 6 weeks old. We live in the Northeast. I'm not really sure I'm going to want to take a 6 week old baby out in the cold to show off at a family gathering with a lot of people who may or may not have colds, the flu, etc., and I'm not really sure I'm going to want to have to defend my desire to stay home when I'm adjusting to zero sleep and changing diapers every three hours. His family is also already geared up to throw my baby shower, which I'm smiling and nodding to only because my parents and siblings live more than an hour away and DH's family is here, as are all of my friends. But still, it's not as if my mom has passed away and there's no one to do these things for me. She could, it's just not terribly convenient. I'm beginning to feel like MIL is stepping in because my mom isn't physically here, and since I am actually very close to my mother there's really only so much of that I can take.
I can also see it becoming a huge deal if we start taking the baby to see my parents on weekends, which I would love to do, as we rarely get to see my parents and I don't want them to be the grandma and grandpa who get visited twice a year just because they're farther away. I know my MIL is super excited (more excited than I am at this point, because I'm not even showing and I have constant gas - I'm waiting to at least buy that first maternity dress and start getting kicked before going bonkers). My DH is an only child, and she never thought he would get married or have kids, which puts me in the unenviable position of not only giving her a grandchild she never thought she'd have, but being a daughter she never thought she'd have. I understand on an intellectual level exactly why she's so excited, but I don't want her excitement to turn into constant squealing and sobbing and monopolizing my time. I only have a little over 28 weeks left of my time, the first 10-ish weeks were not fun, I am still incredibly tired all the time, and I want to enjoy the time I have left where I can take naps and bubble baths and soak my feet before a little person needs my attention, without constantly feeling like I'm obligated to take "the grandbaby" (who is the size of a kumquat) over to the MIL's house.
Any advice on how to gently put the brakes on my MIL's enthusiasm before I'm faced with someone who takes for granted that she will come stay with me for two weeks after the baby is born, and is giving constant parenting advice, and basically becomes a huge butt-insky? I know that's where things are headed, and I want to be able to address it now in a kind and loving way before I have to address it by biting her head off. I really do know that she means well, but I also know that we're very different in the way we process and show emotions, and she's a little more...hmmm...cry-at-every-Hallmark-commercial than I am, so I'm not sure how to gently say, "I appreciate the invite, but I need to set some boundaries."
Thank you ladies!
I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for nipping a potential meddling MIL in the bud without coming across as terribly insensitive or rude. My DH and I are at the tail end of the first trimester (1 week and 2 days left), and my MIL is already starting to drive me a little batty. I'm 36 (and will be 37 when the baby arrives) and it's our first pregnancy, so I'd initially wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester - you know, the "scary" period - to tell anyone.
Well, about 8 weeks in I was feeling so sick and so terrible that I had to call my mommy and ask for advice. (Yes, even at 36 we still need our mommies, don't we?) My parents live 2 hours away so I had to tell them over the phone, but even though this is their first grandchild there wasn't any screaming or crying or hysteria, because my parents are relatively low-key (like me and my DH). They were elated, if course, but it's not as if it came as a gigantic surprise. I am 36 and the clock is really ticking, after all.
The problem is, of course, that having told my parents, I didn't feel it would have been fair not to tell his mother until Mother's Day weekend (safely outside the first trimester, and our original plan). So we sprung the news to her at Easter while we were at his Aunt's house for the family event (cuz my parents live 2 hours away), and of course there was the crying and the hugging and the hysteria that I generally try to avoid in my everyday life. Had there been another, more private time to do it I would have gone that route, but we did want it to be a surprise, and it would have been hard to say, "Hey, let's get together for a special dinner" without tipping her off.
The week after Easter she wanted us to come over to her house for dinner, which is fine, we hadn't been to her house for dinner in a long time, and even though I was still on a strict diet of mashed potatoes and cottage cheese, I appreciated the thought. The problem is, she is gradually going more and more into "crazy grandma" mode. She's giving all sorts of unsolicited advice, discussing my pregnancy weight and symptoms (I should mention I'm a very private person), she's calling more than my own mother to ask how I'm doing, and last night she called and wanted to know if she would be seeing us this weekend, even though we were JUST there two weekends ago, and we had never said anything about going over this weekend, and we're going to see her for Mother's Day next weekend. Not to mention any time I update my Facebook status she says something about how much she loves us and the baby, and when I posted that I'd heard the baby's heartbeat, she replied with, "That's my grandbaby!!!"
I know, I know, this probably seems like petty crap to be posting about, but knowing how she is I can see this snowballing into a major thing when the baby is actually here. She has graciously offered to babysit for us during the week so we don't have to incur daycare expenses, but DH's family is already kind of going nuts about this, like talking about how exciting it will be to have a baby at Christmas, when our baby will be roughly 6 weeks old. We live in the Northeast. I'm not really sure I'm going to want to take a 6 week old baby out in the cold to show off at a family gathering with a lot of people who may or may not have colds, the flu, etc., and I'm not really sure I'm going to want to have to defend my desire to stay home when I'm adjusting to zero sleep and changing diapers every three hours. His family is also already geared up to throw my baby shower, which I'm smiling and nodding to only because my parents and siblings live more than an hour away and DH's family is here, as are all of my friends. But still, it's not as if my mom has passed away and there's no one to do these things for me. She could, it's just not terribly convenient. I'm beginning to feel like MIL is stepping in because my mom isn't physically here, and since I am actually very close to my mother there's really only so much of that I can take.
I can also see it becoming a huge deal if we start taking the baby to see my parents on weekends, which I would love to do, as we rarely get to see my parents and I don't want them to be the grandma and grandpa who get visited twice a year just because they're farther away. I know my MIL is super excited (more excited than I am at this point, because I'm not even showing and I have constant gas - I'm waiting to at least buy that first maternity dress and start getting kicked before going bonkers). My DH is an only child, and she never thought he would get married or have kids, which puts me in the unenviable position of not only giving her a grandchild she never thought she'd have, but being a daughter she never thought she'd have. I understand on an intellectual level exactly why she's so excited, but I don't want her excitement to turn into constant squealing and sobbing and monopolizing my time. I only have a little over 28 weeks left of my time, the first 10-ish weeks were not fun, I am still incredibly tired all the time, and I want to enjoy the time I have left where I can take naps and bubble baths and soak my feet before a little person needs my attention, without constantly feeling like I'm obligated to take "the grandbaby" (who is the size of a kumquat) over to the MIL's house.
Any advice on how to gently put the brakes on my MIL's enthusiasm before I'm faced with someone who takes for granted that she will come stay with me for two weeks after the baby is born, and is giving constant parenting advice, and basically becomes a huge butt-insky? I know that's where things are headed, and I want to be able to address it now in a kind and loving way before I have to address it by biting her head off. I really do know that she means well, but I also know that we're very different in the way we process and show emotions, and she's a little more...hmmm...cry-at-every-Hallmark-commercial than I am, so I'm not sure how to gently say, "I appreciate the invite, but I need to set some boundaries."
Thank you ladies!
