Helping a friend

[laura109]

Hi all. A few years ago I came on here for some advice. I had a young baby and my friends two year old was snatching, refusing to share toys and being rough around her. Not once did her mum correct her, take her home or remove her from the situation. It was extreme behaviour at times. She tried to rip a bib of her neck once and my friend didn't even move her as I tried to get her off her neck. My friend just didn't seem to see the dangers. She was also climbing in my windows and carrying picture frames around etc and her mum didn't seem to notice that she was allowing her to disrespect other people's homes. I eventually spoke to her and we went our own separate ways. I could understand why she was hurt but it was making me feel so stressed everytime we met up I could no longer do it. I tried to be tactful and said we should just meet once a month without the kids for a meal and go for a walk once a month with the kids so we wasn't in the house guarding all the time.

Fast forward two and a half years and we got back in touch. Both pregnant and as her daughter was older I figured it would be fine. Mostly we don't meet with the older two as hers is at school, but it's the holidays and I've seen her little girl three times and she's completely in charge of my friend. She came around to play with my three and half year old. She was having full blown screaming melt downs at my house if my toddler tried to join in with building Megan locks etc. She refused to speak to me yet she was into my whole house. The playdate didn't go well at all so I met up with them the last two times while my daughter was at nursery. She refused to walk the way my friend told her we were walking and she told us where we were going. I watched my friend just accept this and follow her daughter. She choose the side of the road we walked on. At the park she was throwing grass at the babies and wouldn't stop. She screamed and had three meltdowns in the park. She was the only child doing this. My friend is not staying home at all in the holidays. She takes the child out every day and has to tell her where they are going. The child warns her mum she doesn't want to be bored today. She's texting me every few days to book me in for a couple of hours here and there so she can make sure she's got a full diary morning and afternoon. She's telling me she's skint and struggling to think of things to do each day. What I don't understand is why she wants to meet up with us when her daughter has no interest in playing with my little girl or speaking to me. She doesn't want to be in our company. Also my friends got another friend with a baby who walked out a get together of friends and walked her baby around the shops as my friends daughter was winding her baby up. That particular friend has avoided her like the plague in the holidays. She won't let them go to her house and will only meet her every two or three weeks for an hour at the baby groups. She took her daughter along last week and that particular friend went off and spoke to other people and didn't say bye to my friend at the end.... My friend can't seem to see that her daughters behaviour needs a little work. I'm really not trying to be harsh. I love my friend and we have babies the same age. I'm looking forward to the babies playing together as they grow but I'm concerned for my friend as she can't seem to see what's going on. She will also say things like her kid screams ay parties if she doesn't win pass the parcel and she whines on days out... I don't want to upset my friend again but I think she's taking her out far to much. The child doesn't appreciate anything and Continues to whinge demand and be rude. I feel bad because I listen to how much she's struggling with her but I don't feel I can tell her I think she needs to make a few changes. How would you suggest giving her some gentle advice/hints to gain some control and to make her life smoother? I don't think she can see what the rest of us can.

 

[kirstybumx3]

I think perhaps you should have a friendly chat in general about parenting and gauge how things are at home. From a mum of a 5 year old who is currently under Camhs being assessed for adhd/odd I think it’s unfair to question her parenting based on what you’ve seen a few time as I imagine people who don’t know me or my situation probably think similar about me. My boy comes across bossy, yes he sometimes is but I pick my battles, he’s very particular about where he walks for example, so likes certain sides of the road, I also go out with him most days because quite frankly if he’s stuck in the house for too long he is impossible to deal with. He’s impulsive, can’t control his emotions well and has to touch literally everything, regardless if that means crossing boundaries in other peoples houses. I’m not saying your friends child has any issues, I’m just saying there could be more to it than your friend just letting her child rule her. In this situation if it were me, I’d say nothing. Because I am bored of people trying to tell me how to parent my difficult child better.

 

[jessmke]

I get that you are concerned for your friend and just want to help her, but honestly I don't think it's your place to say anything UNLESS your friend is the one who brings it up. If she starts commenting on how things are difficult, her daughter doesn't listen, etc etc then you could gently make some suggestions, but I don't think it's your place to initiate the conversation. I know that if one of my friends told me that she thinks my kids are out of control and I should do X, Y, and Z to make my life easier it probably wouldn't be well received. It's hard to see your friends struggle, and to watch people make what we would consider "mistakes" when parenting their kids, but people generally don't take kindly to being told how to raise their children. I think you just need to distance yourself if you find it difficult to be around her, or bite your tongue and hope your kids don't pick up on bad habits. I've had to limit time spent with some of my friends and their kids when my 2 year old started picking up bad behaviours (imitating their kids' tantrums, etc). I don't think having her daughter out of the house and doing lots of activities is necessarily causing a problem, some people just like to be out and about! I know with my own kids, when they are being particularly whiney or having a bad day, getting them out of the house always improves things. We spend very little time at home, we are always out doing something and basically only come home to sleep and eat, and my kids certainly don't behave like your friends' daughter.

 

[noon_child]

I agree with the others that there is no good way to advise her on general parenting or criticise things that don't affect you - it will be taken badly - no on likes being told what to do (even if it's good advice) because it feels like judgement. You say you don't know why she wants to see you when her daughter has no interest - maybe it's because your friend needs time with other adults to distract her from the difficult time she is having being this girl's mum. If you find her hard work after a few hours imagine how her mum feels with her all day! Could you maybe have chat with mum where you don't talk about her daughter and parenting but just empathise and talk to her about how she is feeling as a mum? She might open up about things she DOES see as difficulties and things she would like help with. At that point - because she has asked for help - maybe you could point her in the direction of help (support groups, trained counsellors, outreach workers or parenting courses might be better received than info from you about what you did).