Here I am again......SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

[Krissy485]

Where do I even start? If I didn't have bad luck then i guess i wouldn't have any luck at all. So the place to start i guess is the beginning and i applogize now for the book i am about to write.

Well my name is Krissy and I just turned 28 in april. I am married to my best friend who drives me up the wall on a daily bases, Josh, he will be 28 in July so we are not old by any means. We have been together for 8 years now but only been married just over a year. We were lucky in the fact that our first 3 children were very easy to conceive and are now very healthy happy kids. our oldest is Joshua who is now 6 1/2, Avarie our baby girl is 5 and then our youngest is Jamison who is 3 /12, so when i say easy to conceive i was not joking lol.

Well when Jamison was 10 months old i decided not to use birthcontrol anymore because it was causing me to get really bad migraines. Even after i had it removed, i had Implanon, i stil got what is called menstral migraines.

It was August 2012 we decided we wanted to try for our fourth and final and though it might take us a few months...well it took us till Feb 2012 to get pregnant and i was so excited! since we had been trying to hard and i was tracking ovulation i did not have an early scan like i did with my first 3 to determine my dates. At 11 weeks, April 13, i started to have light brown spotting. I was not too concerned and when the dr wanted me want to come in right away for an apt i figured it was just to put my mind at ease, although i was not really worried i had 3 normal pregnancies why wouldn't that be? i went in and they did a scan bc they could not find the hb by Doppler and that is when i found out i had a blighted ovum. I was beyond heart broken! i felt like my body had betrayed me. That was a Friday afternoon i had to wait to see another dr on that Monday and have another scan done to get my d&C scheduled. I had it the next day but by then i was in full out labor. It was terrible but after the surgery i felt so much better physically and emotionally.

Ok then in July 2012 we decided it was time to try again. We were lucky and got pregnant right away that month! But sadly that time it ended in an early mc at 5 weeks. I was hurt but not as bad as the first time. Then with a lot of family stuff going on we decided to ntnp if it happened it happened we were ok with that. once we finally got in a good place it was time to try again.

In Feb 2013 it was time to once again pull out the opks and go at it so to speak. I got my bfp on April 2 i was so happy it only took us 2 cycles that time. I had early hcg drawn and everything looked perfect! i did start spotting at 4 1/2 weeks that went on till almost 8 weeks but it was just a very slow moving implantation bleed that was seen on my early scan at 7+1. WE saw our beautiful baby then with a great hb and move all around. I cried i was so releaved and happy!!!! we had waited till after that scan to tell our kids that because we did not want them to suffer the heart ache of finding out yet again the baby was not coming.

Ok so Tuesday, may 28th i was scheduled for my 12w scan at 11+5 days. Everything had still be going great the spotting had spotted and i was starting to feel pretty good after being so exhausted. My mom had gone with me bc it was suppose to be routine, we were gonna see the baby then go out for shopping and lunch before ihad to be to work. well there was nothing routine about it.

The scan showed my baby had died at 9 weeks, it was a MMC this time. my world was torn apart yet again. everything had been perfect uptill then. my blood work could not have been better we saw a heartbeat this was suppose to be our rainbow baby born right before Christmas.....but it was taken from us to. I had my d&c yesterday because i could not stand the thought of walking around with my dead baby inside of me, especially since i had done it already for 2 1/2 weeks.

I don't understand why and neither do my drs bc i have had 3mc in a row but 3 different types so there is not other reason than bad luck......

Josh and i talked and decided that once i have my first cycle done we will try again and if i miss carry yet again then we are done trying....

i am happy and greatful i have my 3 beautiful kids but i just don't understand why i cant have that one last baby i want to make our famiy feel complete.

ok sorry for the rant but i still sore and emotional from loosing my baby then having to explain to my 3 children that there is no more baby...they were so excited.......

i don't know if anyone will reply but i am going to try and update on a daily bases just on my dail life, sort of like a journal i guess, and wait and see if and when i get that next bfp and if that will finally be our rainbow baby.

thanks for reading just helps to get it all out ya know?

 

[Hopefulagain]

Oh my goodness Krissy...I don't even know that to say but that I am so sorry, but if you are anything like I am at this point, I know you're tired of hearing that. My heart is breaking from all that you have been through and are continuing to go through. I sooo understand your hurt and confusion, especially when your losses are unrelated and followed 3 successful pregnancies. Also, having to tell your kids AGAIN that this baby isn't coming either just sucks.

I have a healthy 7 year old daughter and my pregnancy with her was completely blissful. We decided to try for our second when she started school, but ended up losing our second baby girl, Zoi, due to unexplained preterm labor. It literally can out of nowhere and has since been linked to an incompetent cervix, but they don't really know for sure why this happened. My first regular cycle we became pregnant again, found out on April 1, and it turned out to be ectopic. My daughter asked me the other day why our babies keep dying. How does one respond to a question like that?
Hope and faith that God will provide us all with our healthy rainbow babies is all that I can believe in anymore.

 

[Aleeah]

I had a miscarriage last week and completely understand your pain. I didn't know a persons heart could literally break and I swear the pain I felt was just that. I'm sorry for your loss and I know that won't bring it back but try and be strong, especially for the beautiful children you have got. You can do this, you've done it before, you're still young, don't give up yet. It's only been a week since I had a natural miscarriage, with the sac etc still intact, it was my third miscarriage but I won't let it bring me down. I still cry but I know I want this and I won't give up.

If you decide not to have another baby, then that's fine too. But don't let your history make that decision for you.

Sending you all the strength in the world, lots of love xxx

 

[Krissy485]

Hopeful- I know what you mean. it hurt to loose each baby but this time was so much harder bc I heard the hb and know for a fact the baby died. I was with my mom at the ultrasound so I had to come home and tell my husband. I will never forget that look on his face when I walked in the door and he saw I had been crying. all he did was open his arms held me while I told him our baby had died 2 1/2 weeks ago and I needed surgery the next day. I ended up falling asleep in his arms.

I wish I had answers for both of us.....and while it is nice to hear that others care...it does it old hearing I am sorry from people but at the same time there is no right thing to say in a situation like this....only way I can describe this is it sucks!

have you guys started trying again then?

 

[Krissy485]

Aleeah- my heart goes out to you to! it is hard each time. Do you have any live children? I am greatful I have my 3 and in away I feel bad by talking about the 3 I have lost bc I do have 3 living breathing healthy kids. I can only imagine how it is to go through all this and feel like you have nothing to show for it.

I hope we all can be there for each other through this journey of finally getting our rainbow babies.

 

[Hopefulagain]

We have not began trying again because I had to get 2 doses of methotrexate in order to stop the growth of the ectopic and my last injections were on May 2nd. My hcg levels were still in the 400 range as of two weeks ago. It is also recommended to wait 3 months from the last injection to try and conceive but it could be up to 6 months if you received 2 doses like I did (2 shot equals one dose). I haven't actually spoken to my doctor about the timing yet so all of my information has come from the internet. Right now they are just trying to get my hcg back down to zero. I go today for another blood draw so I'm hoping to see a significant drop.

 

[Krissy485]

that is so much more stressful then what I went through. I had the d&c done yesterday and all they recommend it that I wait till I have once cycle then I have the all clear to go again. the only thought on my mind now is if I should ask to start seeing a high risk ob-gyn now that I have had 3 miscarriages?

 

[Krissy485]

I hope your numbers are down now....

 

[Starry Night]

I'm so sorry for your losses. It's always hard to lose a baby even when there are living children. And I get the frustration of being stuck at the beginning. I've now had two miscarriages within 7 months and here I am. Waiting to try again. This is my third miscarriage overall (my 4th angel is a lost twin to my DS) so my doctor wants me to go for testing. Out here it's a long wait to see the specialist so I can't even begin the TTC journey for a long, long time yet. It's so hard. I've already been TTC#2 for over a year and it looks like it'll be another year at the earliest before my rainbow arrives.

I feel very impotent right now. Just powerless to do anything to get my baby. Seems like every woman I know can just say "i feel like having a baby now" and 9 months later a baby arrives.

 

[Aleeah]

Aleeah- my heart goes out to you to! it is hard each time. Do you have any live children? I am greatful I have my 3 and in away I feel bad by talking about the 3 I have lost bc I do have 3 living breathing healthy kids. I can only imagine how it is to go through all this and feel like you have nothing to show for it.

I hope we all can be there for each other through this journey of finally getting our rainbow babies.

Sadly we don't have any children yet and that makes it so tough. Being married and having a gorgeous house but no tiny little patter of feet to fill it with. To be honest I'm sure the psychologists would say it's wrong but we've already started trying and it's only been a week and a half since the m/c. My doctor suggested we go for it, as seeing a specialist will take a while. As a precautionary measure she's put me on 5mg of folic acid. I feel better now we're trying as I feel like I'm back in control.

I don't think it's bad for you to talk about the 3 you have lost because you have healthy ones, I understand why you would want another and I don't think you should give up because you already have 3. Follow your heart, try and stay strong and fight to see a specialist to find out why this is happening.

I've found an unbelievable amount of strength from women on this forum, I'm sure we'll all be msging each other one day chatting away at how to get the little rainbow babies to sleep through the night! xxxxx

 

[Krissy485]

aleeah-you are such a sweet heart! I have been part of this community for a year now joined after my first mc and I actually started just a random thread called a home for everyone where we are a great group of women who are all in different stages but I posted over here bc I guess I just wanted to vent to those who really know what I am feeling in this moment. many of the women on my thread have had loses but now have their rainbow babies recently and I am happy for them but it is hard at the same time.

the one thing I hate hearing is it will happen when it is suppose to happen....well damn it why should we have to go through so much pain till it is suppose to happen? why does our bodies let us get pregnant then loose the baby to cause us so much heart ache? why don't our bodies not get pregnant till it is suppose happen as they say and we get to have our healthy rainbow babies? sigh...I guess just some frustrations....I can also understand you starting right away. the only real reason my dr advises to wait a cycle is just for dating reasons.

Starry-I am sorry you have to wait so long! not having answers is frustrating but so is having to wait. I hope you get your answers as fast as possible.

 

[Hopefulagain]

that is so much more stressful then what I went through. I had the d&c done yesterday and all they recommend it that I wait till I have once cycle then I have the all clear to go again. the only thought on my mind now is if I should ask to start seeing a high risk ob-gyn now that I have had 3 miscarriages?

Yeah, I'm kind of in a similar situation due to my two losses. With Zoi I was going to a maternal-fetal care specialist because I was 36. She had a fairly extensive plan set for any future pregnancy but since my next one was over before it really began, I never got a chance to see her. She only deals with pregnancies so she can't help me before hand. So, my Ob-gyn suggested that I consider seeing a fertility specialist but I'm confused because the losses are so very different and appear to be unrelated. I'm confused as to what they can do.

 

[Krissy485]

Yeah they said I could do they could do the blood work now I have had 3 mc in a row but they said honestly they would think it would all come back normal bc they are 3 different types of mc. so we are just going to go ahead and try again on our own and see what happens. this is such a confusing time for all of us.

 

[StephtheHiker]

aleeah-you are such a sweet heart! I have been part of this community for a year now joined after my first mc and I actually started just a random thread called a home for everyone where we are a great group of women who are all in different stages but I posted over here bc I guess I just wanted to vent to those who really know what I am feeling in this moment. many of the women on my thread have had loses but now have their rainbow babies recently and I am happy for them but it is hard at the same time.

the one thing I hate hearing is it will happen when it is suppose to happen....well damn it why should we have to go through so much pain till it is suppose to happen? why does our bodies let us get pregnant then loose the baby to cause us so much heart ache? why don't our bodies not get pregnant till it is suppose happen as they say and we get to have our healthy rainbow babies? sigh...I guess just some frustrations....I can also understand you starting right away. the only real reason my dr advises to wait a cycle is just for dating reasons.

Starry-I am sorry you have to wait so long! not having answers is frustrating but so is having to wait. I hope you get your answers as fast as possible.

Sorry to jump in on this conversation but I just had an early mc this past weekend. Having learned about my endo just a few months ago, my only wish was like yours: that my body would hold off on getting pregnant until it would be baby who stuck and lived.

But it happened...I got pregnant and lost it so quickly. I just don't understand. I really believe that things work out in the end. But it's so painful in the meantime.

Worst timing ever: The day of the mc, I had already promised to be at a friend's baby's 1st birthday party. Their baby was a miracle so I wanted to be there to support them...but after an hour with all these happy, young moms, it was time to leave!

 

[Impatientwait]

Hi ladies hope yall dont mind if I join.. I'm sorry for the losses all around. This was my first mc..first one two years ago was a chemical. We had started ttc in feb and it happpened pretty quick..got my bfp on april 30th. I was so excited told my step kids..told everyone..fb announcement at 7 weeks cause we had seen the heartbeat and was told all was fine. Then three days later..this past tuesday hb was a no show.. I had started spotting. I'm doing the mc naturally cause we didn't meet the deductible with our insurance. I think I passed the baby today. It was really hard to flush it but I couldn't do anything else with it..we live in apartments. Plus it wasnt much to see.. but it was my baby that I long for. Everyone I know has kids. Even my DH which live with us. Two girls 5 and 7.. they were so excited..we all cried together. I think I experienced some labor and contractions two days ago.. it hurt so bad. What hurts more is idk what I did wrong. My DH thinks it was him and he pushed too hard bding.. the littlest girl thinks she kicked me too hard..but really we don't know. And I wish I did. Yall are so strong for surviving through three...I am so afraid of it happeneing again. Its so hard watching my step kids everyday and not having one of my own. Sorry for the story. It seems were all pretty close on this. Does anyone know when the bleeding should stop?