House guests after delivery...

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by laughingduck, Jun 5, 2011.

  1. laughingduck

    laughingduck Mother of one daughter

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    My MIL lives 8 hours away and wants to come stay for a bit right after delivery (and be there during if she can make it in time!) At first I was ok with this but the closer I'm getting the more I'd really rather not have her here right away. My mom will be here to stay for a couple weeks, but she's not really a "guest" and she will be helping with cleaning, cooking, etc and is generally really helpful to have around. It's not that MIL is high maintenance, but she's definitely not helpful, she's a "guest" for sure. Also she doesn't drive and we live far from anything so anytime she may need something we'd have to drive her, or get it for her.
    I feel bad though because my OH seems to want her here, he gets along well with his mom. However, he'll be working so I'll be the one stuck at home all day with them.

    Thanksgiving weekend is only a month after my due date and I was thinking of maybe asking her to wait until then to visit? Is that too long to ask her to wait to see her grandchild?

    What do other people feel about house guests right after delivery? Are you having visitors or keeping people away for a bit?
     
  2. flashy09

    flashy09 Well-Known Member

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    OMG, my husband's whole family wants to come from the UK for Christmas (I am due December 3rd)! I have no idea what to do either or how I will feel so very interested in this!
     
  3. jacks mummy

    jacks mummy Well-Known Member

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    i personally couldnt cope with this at all! i no after having my son LOADS of people came round day and night and i just wanted them to go away so i could bond with my baby! alot of the time i didnt get much chance to hold him cos everyone else was. and i was too nice to say any different. but this time only family can pop round for half an hour at a time and no more than 2 visits a day and i want everyone gone before 5pm as i want my sons routine to stay the same as much as possible and he has tea at 5 everyday!! i would speak to ur oh and ask him nicely to have a word with his mum and see if she can come a few weeks later when uv settled in with little one. is this ur first baby? hope u dnt mind me asking xx
     
  4. LittleStars

    LittleStars Mum to 3 beautiful girls!

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    My sister lives 5 hours away from both her parents and MIL along with her siblings. She has stated that she is okay with her parents and MIL/FIL to visit for a day or two after they get home but then has asked them to leave and wait a few weeks until they have a routine and are feeling comfortable as parents before having either set of parents come visit for longer. She has also stated they need to work it out between them so they don't overlap their visits.

    On the flip side... I live in town with both my parents, MIL and one sibling and even though none of them will be staying with me for a visit I don't have a choice about them coming to visit both in the hospital and at home, they seem to do whatever they like despite me protesting. Best yet, MIL and I don't along and she hates my family. good times!

    Seems like perhaps since you are definitely having your mother come and stay you really cannot deny your MIL as this may cause a problem with your DH. Could you have DH explain to her that since your mom is coming to stay for a few weeks as a housemaid that it might be a bit cramped in the house and that perhaps after a 2-3 night stay after the birth that she come back after your mother has left.

    My MIL never seemed to get that I favor my mom as far as getting parenting advice and asking for help. It's a tough thing. We tried really hard to not favor either grandparent but in the end MIL became impossible with her undermining of our parenting skills. DH had a fight with her over something totally benign but we had a 2.5 year break from her madness and it was AWESOME! Now I'm pregnant again and she's back in our lives. Let's hope we don't have a repeat of last time.

    Best of luck figuring out how to balance this. I think the key is talking to DH and getting him to stand up for you as a family and what your needs are.
     
  5. Kumchen

    Kumchen We have a heartbeat! :D

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    I completely understand your situation and have had my thoughts about what to do and how to solve the somewhat touchy subject as well. My whole family lives in Germany, which means they can not just pop over for a visit but would stay for at least 2 weeks to see the baby.

    I think the number one thing you have to find in yourself is the fact that you are now starting your own family, which is a unit on its own. You are no longer just a daughter and DIL but a mother now, which means nothing is more important than this new bond. You need to protect it more than any other relationship and you should make that clear to the rest of your family. I don't know where everyone's entitlement comes from when it comes to somebody else's baby but the fact of the matter is there is no reason for you to make any compromises. There is no reason to shut anyone out, but rather make them feel closer by being open with them about your feelings and remind them what an overwhelming situating having a newborn is.

    The way I explained it to my family was (and it turned out very well) was that I told them that I want everyone involved to get the most out of the visit. In order for that to happen I need to be recovered from the birth and have established some sort of routine with the baby. Once that has happened it will be much easier to welcome people into the home, spent time with them and make it enjoyable.

    Either they understand that right there and then or they don't, but either way you should do what is best and the least stressful for you, which at the end is in the best interest of the baby. If you don't establish your new role as a decision maker from the start it will never get done and more and more situations in which your family attempts to run over you will occur.

    I have a feeling if you ask your husband what he would REALLY prefer instead of what he thinks he "owes" his Mom, he'll find that you are being completely reasonable. :hugs:
     
  6. babytimeee

    babytimeee Well-Known Member

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    My sister and best friend have took it upon themselves to let their enployers know that I'm due in September and will need a week off when the baby arrives. THEY LIVE THE NEXT TOWN OVER! My sister knows how I feel because I told her recently that I didn't like that idea, and she said "Yeah but I'll be home just in case you need anything." I feel like my best friend is going to be insulted but like the above poster, it's MY new family and MY new bond and I would like to adjust to it for a bit before other people start rolling in.
     
  7. Waitress

    Waitress Well-Known Member

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    I don't think you'e being unreasonable to want time for just you and your little family to get to grips with each other - its absolutely your right to decide what is best for you and your baby. You never get those precious early days back and I know a lot of people who regret how they handled the first couple of weeks.

    4 weeks is a long time to ask a grandmother to wait though - could you do something after a couple of weeks for a few days? Could she stay with someone else nearby? Could you put her up in a hotel or a b&b so that you get your nights and early mornings on your own?

    My MIL wants to come straight away when the baby is born and I am not having any of it. They can come and see the baby and then go again, I'm not having anyone to come and stay until I'm ready. I have suggested they stay in a hotel - which they are not happy about as we have a big house and plenty of room - but thats the way it is. Whenever I get any opposition about some of the decisions my husband and I are making around this I always say "Did you do it the way you wanted when you had your baby?". If people say "yes" then I say "so you know how important it is" and if people say "no" then I say "Then you'll know how it feels not to have things the way you want". It works every time!

    Good luck - I know these things aren't easy. My in laws are a NIGHTMARE. They want to be my best friend now I'm pregnant and seem to want me to forget the total indifference with which they have treated me for the last 8 years - not going to happen!
    :hugs:
     
  8. AngelBunny

    AngelBunny George's Mummy

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    i wouldn't want anyone staying with us after the birth, least of all my MIL :haha: visitors are fine but house guests, not for me! i'd find it very stressful & i want those first couple of weeks to be for us & our new little family. you'll never get those first days back, don't feel bad about doing what's right for you xx
     
  9. ttcnewbie123

    ttcnewbie123 Well-Known Member

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    I was actually thinking about this today and I'm soooo looking forward so getting all the visitors out of the way and it just being me, hubby and baby. There's no way I would want people staying at our house in the days/weeks after the birth. I'm sure most grandparents would love to meet their grandchild straight away but surely a part of her must think its too soon to be staying over! Good luck x
     
  10. aley28

    aley28 2 boys & a girl <3

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    My mom and my in-laws all live in town here, so I don't have to worry about housing anybody (couldn't anyway, we won't have any spare bedrooms! :haha:) ... but my MIL is still very smothering, even though she lives less than a mile away. Everybody else who wants to come meet the new one, will likely come up during Christmas break (most of my siblings are teachers), which should be far enough after the baby to be OK with me. Plus they'll have to stay elsewhere, so it won't be as overwhelming.

    Anyway, this time I am going to make sure everybody knows before I give birth that the only time they'll have to meet LO in the first few days is when I'm in the hospital. Once we go home, if I'm not married to you or haven't given birth to you, I don't want to see you for at least a week. Possibly longer, if it proves to be overwhelming with two kids. This will be the law for my family as well as his; its for the sake of bonding, establishing breastfeeding, and ensuring that DS feels included and important in the arrival of our newest family member.

    We didn't do this with DS, and by day three of having him home, I was utterly exhausted from 2-3 hours of sleep per night, people constantly in and out, the house was a DISASTER, and every time somebody else came over, they'd be holding him while he'd be giving off cues that he was hungry and we never did get breastfeeding properly going. And nobody offered to help with anything... they'd come over, fawn over the baby, and leave us more clothes or toys to try to handle on top of everything else. It was too much.

    I know my MIL especially is going to throw a fit about it, and ask if she can at least take DS during that time. The answer is a plain and simple, EFF NO YOU CAN'T. It is as important to me that DS is here to bond with the baby as it is that nobody else is here while we bond with the baby.

    After the initial week of being home, I think I'll start allowing visitors slowly and only for short periods. I don't give a damn about offending anybody, real honestly. They'll either get over it or they won't. Its MY baby, MY family unit, and MY wishes. End of story!
     
  11. laughingduck

    laughingduck Mother of one daughter

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    Thanks for the replies and reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable. I am going to bring it up with OH tonight and hopefully he'll understand. The other thing that worries me about my MIL coming is that her and my mom have only met once briefly in the 7.5 years we've been together, and I'm not sure how they'd get along. I feel like there could be some competition, which grandma "know's best" etc etc. I just don't want the added worry of that on top of everything else.

    The nice thing about my having my mom stay is that my brother lives close by and has a guest room and she could go stay there if I feel I need more bonding time with my baby alone. MIL would have nowhere to go if I needed space! Hotel is out of the question because of the cost, and we have plenty of space so it would seem silly to put her up when money is already tight (and she can't afford it herself).

    Maybe I will use the excuse that if MIL comes a few weeks later, she'll have more bonding time with the baby, since my mom will be gone. The only reason why I thought of waiting a month until Thanksgiving is that OH will have 4 days off and can also have some proper visiting time with his family. If that's too long for her to wait I guess she could come sooner, but I'll try to make it clear that she can't say for too long if she does!
     
  12. Heather9603

    Heather9603 Well-Known Member

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    I would be hurt if someone said I couldn't see my new grandchild for a month after it was born. But perhaps you can just establish that it will be really crazy and could she just come for a few days?
     
  13. laughingduck

    laughingduck Mother of one daughter

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    I don't mind at all! Yes, she will be my first baby. She is also my parent's first grandchild, and the second grandchild for my OH's parents.
     
  14. laughingduck

    laughingduck Mother of one daughter

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    Ya I guess it is a long time to ask to wait. I don't mind a quick visit, but it all depends if she's willing to make the 8 hour trip and only stay 1 or 2 nights. I suppose if she wants to see her grandchild she's going to have to be ok with that!

    It would be so much easier if they lived a little closer!
     
  15. Pielette

    Pielette Mum to little men

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    God I worry about this. I was watching a soap the other day with a new baby and all the neighbours and friends were traipsing in and out. I was watching it with my mum and at the time I said to her, 'There is no way in hell I'm having the world and his dog coming in to my house the day after I've given birth!'
    My mum is a different case, she and my Dad will be around but I know they'll be cleaning, helping us out and not interfering. The mere thought of having my inlaws staying with us for days on end makes me cringe. I want at least a week just me, my husband and bubs, with my parents helping us out when we need it. Everyone else is going to have to wait.
    When my best friends had their first little girl, they had a rule of a week on their own first and we respected it just like everyone else did.
     
  16. cooper2010

    cooper2010 Well-Known Member

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    I think its going to be very overwhleming for you. BUT I also don't think you have much of a choice. Just let it be. She could be seriously offended if you ask her to wait. I was out of state for my 2 other babies births and it was depressing not having people visit but I also was glad to have that quiet time.
     
  17. HappiestMom

    HappiestMom Spcl Nds Girl + twn boys + girl

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    I am in the exact same situation as you lol..even down to the 8 hours away lol lol..I hate my MIL...she seems like a nice old korean lady but towards me shes very secretly manipulative (secret as in she hides it from my hubby and his dad and always has an excuse as to why she did/said something but its not fooling me and its happened more than once!)

    My mom will be here for the birth but as she has two younger kids of her own that will be 3 1/2 and 2 years old by then and no one to watch them for more than a day or maybe overnight I cant/dont want to ask her to stay and help... Im not worried at all about taking care of the baby and the house..

    My plan is to invite my family (everyone lives 3 hours away) over the weekend or maybe two weekends after LO is born so we'll have time to settle in and get a semi routine going..and they will prolly come on a saturday or sunday in the morning and just stay for the day since its not a huge trip....

    and then invite friends of ours over the next weekend..and otherwise ask for no visitors unless they ask first..I dont want people just coming in thinking they are helping or being nice and just stressing me out or annoying me by showing up whenever they want...

    Hubbys family is 8 hours away and will have to come and stay for more than just one day (unfortunately) and they dont have any other relatives here that they could stay with...so Im hoping to just have them come a few weeks later...when I think I can handle all the frustrating and annoyance of having to deal with MIL...and hopefully they will stay no longer than 3-4 days... if they want to stay longer hubby better believe I will pack up mine and LOs stuff and go on a vaca to see my family in NC just to get away from his stayin here.. lol lol...
     
  18. sequeena

    sequeena Winging it.

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    I'm going to tell people we want to be left alone for at least a week. I don't care if people get upset about it, he's OUR son and we want to bond as a family. I'm hopefully going to breastfeed so I want to be able to establish that too and become comfortable with it. I can't do any of these things if I have people tramping through my house, waking up my son, expecting cups of tea etc.
     
  19. ahcigar1

    ahcigar1 Happy Mother of 1

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    I wouldn't be able to deal with all that. I will hopefully be having my mom come out for a week right after just to help out not really as a fun visit. If not her then will be having my Aunt stay for a week to do the same. But I would not be able to handle my MIL coming over. She has already started talking about how she wants to come and help and see baby and visit. She is never a help she is a pill and chore more than anything, and I really want it just time for us to adjust and get to know our little one. I have asked my husband to talk to his mom about this and that she really needs to try and give us our space at first. There is nothing wrong in asking people to stay away for just a little while.
     
  20. laughingduck

    laughingduck Mother of one daughter

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    Well that sounds awful I'm sorry you have to put up with her :( At least my MIL isn't manipulative or mean in any way, I guess I should be happy about that!
     

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