House guests after delivery...

[Shmead]

What about this approach? Make it into a favor. Tell her that your mom will be coming for the first two weeks (or whatever) and it would be so much more help for you if she would come the next two weeks (or whatever) because that's when you will really, really need her. Tell her you are scared that if you have all this help (MIL and mother) for two weeks and then you are just abandoned, you are not sure how you will handle it, but if your mom and MIL could switch off instead, you'd feel a ton more confident.

Basically, it's all about puffing her up and kissing her butt and making her feel needed instead of rejected. I know you don't think she's much help, but I bet she THINKS she helps out, so your logic will make sense to her. And maybe if she gets it in her head in advance that she is "going to help her DIL" and she says it that way to all her friends, she really will be more help.

 

[sara k]

My MIL lives 8 hours away and wants to come stay for a bit right after delivery (and be there during if she can make it in time!) At first I was ok with this but the closer I'm getting the more I'd really rather not have her here right away. My mom will be here to stay for a couple weeks, but she's not really a "guest" and she will be helping with cleaning, cooking, etc and is generally really helpful to have around. It's not that MIL is high maintenance, but she's definitely not helpful, she's a "guest" for sure. Also she doesn't drive and we live far from anything so anytime she may need something we'd have to drive her, or get it for her.
I feel bad though because my OH seems to want her here, he gets along well with his mom. However, he'll be working so I'll be the one stuck at home all day with them.

Thanksgiving weekend is only a month after my due date and I was thinking of maybe asking her to wait until then to visit? Is that too long to ask her to wait to see her grandchild?

What do other people feel about house guests right after delivery? Are you having visitors or keeping people away for a bit?

if uoyr husband really want her to be here...then i suggest let her come and dont treat her as a guest...let her manage her for her own things lunches and dinner...you just concentrate on your baby..after all you deserve to get help ...when it comes to your baby dont care about others

 

[chichestermum]

I know my MIL especially is going to throw a fit about it, and ask if she can at least take DS during that time. The answer is a plain and simple, EFF NO YOU CAN'T. It is as important to me that DS is here to bond with the baby as it is that nobody else is here while we bond with the baby.

im in the same boat! i know MIL is going to be demanding that the best thing for DD is to have her at nannys house when i boot everybody including the out after visiting time is up, shes going to be like it even more since when i go to hosp will probably be the first time DD is allowed to stay over their house! im not even keen on the idea of letting her go as she finds a way to undermine every rule i have with DD!
I love the line i bolded, do you mind if i copy and paste that right into my mouth to yell at her when she tries to take DD?
im gunna feel like drop kicking the silly moo from here to timbuktu (depending on stitches obv)

if all else fails i will have to somehow make DD terrified of nanny! at least then il get our bonding time in peace as DD will scream if MIL comes into the house lol! xxx

 

[Zooy]

I asked my mom to come up for the birth and for a week afterwards, just in case she's taking 2 weeks off around the time I'm due. That way she has time in case I go early or late. We're really close and I asked her to come as it's my first baby, her first biological grandchild and I'm uber nervous.

However if it was my MIL it would be a different story. I've finally just convinced her she doesn't need to be in the delivery room for the birth and she and my dad can wait in the waiting room or at my husbands grandma who lives 45 min away from where we live (closest relative).

 

[sherylb]

I have already asked my mom to stay with us for a week after the birth because DH will have a new job then and we aren't sure how long he will be able to take off. So she will help with the house while I deal with the baby. MIL lives a mile away and so do BIL and his wife but I don't want them around. I like the 1 week no guests (aside from mom) rule most of you seem to be putting in place.

 

[laughingduck]

However if it was my MIL it would be a different story. I've finally just convinced her she doesn't need to be in the delivery room for the birth and she and my dad can wait in the waiting room or at my husbands grandma who lives 45 min away from where we live (closest relative).

Oh man I'm so glad I don't have to worry about her wanting to be in the delivery room too. I doubt she'll make it in time anyways, but even if she does, the hospital has a 2 person limit. So my OH and mom will be the only ones allowed in!

 

[aley28]

I know my MIL especially is going to throw a fit about it, and ask if she can at least take DS during that time. The answer is a plain and simple, EFF NO YOU CAN'T. It is as important to me that DS is here to bond with the baby as it is that nobody else is here while we bond with the baby.

im in the same boat! i know MIL is going to be demanding that the best thing for DD is to have her at nannys house when i boot everybody including the out after visiting time is up, shes going to be like it even more since when i go to hosp will probably be the first time DD is allowed to stay over their house! im not even keen on the idea of letting her go as she finds a way to undermine every rule i have with DD!
I love the line i bolded, do you mind if i copy and paste that right into my mouth to yell at her when she tries to take DD?
im gunna feel like drop kicking the silly moo from here to timbuktu (depending on stitches obv)

Go for it! Its certainly a line I'll be using, though it may not be so nicely stated. I'm getting ready to get started on making my husband see it the same way as I do, because this is one front that we absolutely have to be united on. I haven't mentioned it to him yet, as he's still rather distant about the pregnancy... but I plan to bring it up in the next couple of weeks and just keep working on him until he sees it my way, if he doesn't already. I think I'll say something like, "I'm really worried about how DS is going to react to having a baby in the house. I'm really concerned that he's going to feel replaced or something. Ever think about that?" And go from there...

 

[laughingduck]

What about this approach? Make it into a favor. Tell her that your mom will be coming for the first two weeks (or whatever) and it would be so much more help for you if she would come the next two weeks (or whatever) because that's when you will really, really need her. Tell her you are scared that if you have all this help (MIL and mother) for two weeks and then you are just abandoned, you are not sure how you will handle it, but if your mom and MIL could switch off instead, you'd feel a ton more confident.

Basically, it's all about puffing her up and kissing her butt and making her feel needed instead of rejected. I know you don't think she's much help, but I bet she THINKS she helps out, so your logic will make sense to her. And maybe if she gets it in her head in advance that she is "going to help her DIL" and she says it that way to all her friends, she really will be more help.

That's a good idea! I have no idea how to be tactful like that so thanks for the suggestion. I like turning it around to sound like she'd be really helping me out by coming later

 

[Makena29]

That's a tough situation and I totally understand where you're coming from. I would talk to your husband first, as it might be really important for him to have his mother around after the baby is born. I can see it causing conflict with you having your mom around for a while but not wanting his mom around. Even though you gave really good reasons as to why you'd prefer it this way (and I would probably feel the same), it will probably be an emotional issue for your MIL and husband.

Instead of "dis-inviting" her, you might think about how to reduce the impact of her visit. For example, can you ask your husband to rent a car for her, or can she drive yours occasionally? Maybe you can ask her to arrange time away from the house during the day. For example, she could go see a movie, get a pedicure, go out for lunch, etc. If she's particularly needy, though, I can see how that could be problematic. Perhaps you can put together a checklist of tasks around the house that you and your mom can fill out and leave posted on the fridge. That way when your MIL gets there she'll see it and have an idea of what she can do to help, and she might feel compelled to help knowing what your mom did to help out.

Sounds like a sticky situation overall and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it so soon after the baby is born. Just be careful of everyone's feelings, and if you decide that you just can't deal with her, remember to be gentle. Good luck and remember to take care of your sanity!

 

[SuperKat]

I actually had an issue with this with my first baby. While in the hospital I had kicked everyone out so I could get a little bit of sleep since the epidural was working (I was on like hour 20 of labor, and still nothing...so naturally i was exhausted). She didn't leave! Then, when we got home I wanted space from everyone so I could have special bonding time with my little family...my mother in law lived next door. She actually sent my hubby a nasty little email because we had not invited her over, or had brought the baby by (I was also recovering from a c-section). It was really frustrating . We stuck to our guns, and she got over it. I didn't have the same problem with the following two (we also didn't live as close). This baby I was worried about because now we live 16 hours away...although we now are planning on moving back to be close to everyone...I don't know how I would have survived with having someone else trying to run my house...OR having guests to deal with on top of a newborn. Either situation is crappy!!! I wish you the very best of luck, and i think that you and your hubby should do whatever you both agree on, and don't worry so much about her...if thanksgiving time feels best for you, then go for that! good luck!!

 

[MummyNovember]

I know for a fact that i am going to want it to just me, my OH & our baby for at least a DAY after LO is here. I have a huge family and they are all gonna want to come round at once. I couldnt be doing with that when i wasnt pregnant, im certainly not gonna tolerate it when the babys born lol