How do I walk away from my Mother?

[TheNewMrs]

Oh girls, I am in tears as I write this.

My mother is an alcoholic, I have posted a few times about this issue but I am so gulable I always believe all her promises and end up so hurt again when she lets me down.

Yesterday I was doing my friends hair in my mums town which is about 30 mins from my house. Now she wanted me to pick up a form and drop it into the office which is in my town, so yesterday I agreed that when Id finished doing my friends hair Id ring her, pick up the form and head home to my town with it so she wouldnt have to travel that far.

Bita Backround info- Mum had 2 heart attacks on the 12th of June, shes supposed to be giving up the cigarettes and alcohol (she drinks about 8 tins of larger daily and then Sat/Sun would drink from early am-late pm) and she's lying, hiding drink, still smoking not attending her appointments. Theyve said she wont survive the next heart attack. Shes also on heart meds shes not supposed to drink with so my younger brothers 15&17 called me when I was 6 wks pregnant at about 11pm to say she'd passed out and wasnt responding. The nearest hospital is 90 mins from her house and 60 from mine. So I had to drive to her house LIFT her into the car with my 2 brothers help and get her to the hospital. She'd overdosed on her pills (we still dunno if it was intentional) and taken too much alcohol. I ended up in the hosp threatening to miscarry from having to lift her.

So yesterday I called her 3 times to see where she was, drove around to her house and nobody was home. so I text her saying "called to house, nobody home, no answer after 3 calls on your phone, heading home now". She rang me when Id got home yelling down the phone -how dare I drive off without the form, I knew how importnant it was, I should have waitied for her to reply. She is at this point pissed drunk and DRIVING. So I hung up.

Today I text her saying "hows things today" we usually talk daily. Got nothing back. So I text again, "are you ok?" nothing..... I tried calling... no answer. I began to worry. I drove to her town (spent money I hadnt got of fuel) nobody home. I called to all her friends houses, no sign of her, nobodys heard from her since yesterday. Still calling her phone every 15 mins, no answer. So Im really beginning to worry now! I rang hospitals, the police, all the pubs I know she drinks in and nothing!

Just now at 3.45 my brothers finished school. I called them to see if they knew anything. The youngest said he'd call her and call me back. So she rang me then to say she's just been ignoring me? WHAT THE FU(K??? I have been stressing out all day driving between both our towns, friends, family members thinking maybe shes had an accident, maybe she had another heart attack, what if shes lying somewhere dead? So she tells me that I need to stop trying to controll her life, that she doesnt need me. That I can go to hell for all she cares. The hard part is that I know this is the drink talking. And I know she wont give it up.

Thank you if you've gotten this far.
I know I cant carry on like this. But how do you walk away from the woman who brought you into the world? How do I turn my back on my mother? I know tomorro when she's sober she'll ring and say sorry, but I know it's only a matter of time before she does this again.



I can't do this any more.

 

[no drama mama]

Wow. I'm sorry, I don't have any advice but I hope she gets the help she clearly needs. Where are your brothers in all of this? It seems like you're getting the brunt of it.

 

[3buutifulgirl]

Sorry I didn't want to read and run...I am sorry that you are going through this while you are pregnant. My mother was the same way with out the health problems and I just quit calling her and every once in a while she would call me, but mostly to start trouble. I finally told her look if you can't be a mother to me then stay out of my life. She finally straightened up with occasional drinking and we talk just not very often she is a grand mother when she wants to be and I am fine with that. I have learned to deal with her when I can and don't deal with her when I can't...It is hard as she is your mother, but you will figure out how to deal with her even if it hurts her in the long run maybe she will finally realize you are not going to deal with it any more and come around when she is doing good...

 

[luckybreak]

Wow tought situation! I am sorry you are going thru this but sometimes you gotta do the tough love thing , stay in touch with your younger brothers of course but do as she suggested if she needs something tell her sorry mom you wanted me to stay out of your life and I am doing so...she is driving drunk and knowing you are pregnant puts you thru this? thats not right you need to think of your little one.

 

[TheNewMrs]

Wow. I'm sorry, I don't have any advice but I hope she gets the help she clearly needs. Where are your brothers in all of this? It seems like you're getting the brunt of it.

They live with her, but mostly take care of themselves like I did. They stay with my Dad every second weekend and have school during the week. But she's not abusive to them, she just goes to bed when she gets home, theres always money to pay the bills and food in the house so they're not too bothered. I take them up as many weekends as I can, but they both have weekend activities, and money is tight so I cant afford the money for fuel to be to-ing and fro-ing from towns.

Its just being pregnant now myself I cant imagine ever treating my child the way she treats me.

 

[MrsJRB]

I totally agree, you can't do this anymore! I have an acoholic Father who can be very abusive especially over the phone but luckily he has a partner so it doesn't affect me on a daily basis, occasionally only. I say luckily but I feel for the woman. Not only is he a bigot, he is racist and Like your mum can be very manipulative and controlling. For you though, you obviously have a deep attachment with you Mum. This will form the basis of your relationship with your own child and you will suddenly find you need to put your child first. Your Mum will have to wait! She wont like it but you're going to have to be strong. My personal concern is how dangerous my Father will be ( mentally ) to what will be his first grandchild. I am just praying I will have a girl as he won't be as interested.

Good luck to you and be strong. A new phase of your life is starting. Your mother has had her chance, remember that x

 

[TheNewMrs]

Sorry I didn't want to read and run...I am sorry that you are going through this while you are pregnant. My mother was the same way with out the health problems and I just quit calling her and every once in a while she would call me, but mostly to start trouble. I finally told her look if you can't be a mother to me then stay out of my life. She finally straightened up with occasional drinking and we talk just not very often she is a grand mother when she wants to be and I am fine with that. I have learned to deal with her when I can and don't deal with her when I can't...It is hard as she is your mother, but you will figure out how to deal with her even if it hurts her in the long run maybe she will finally realize you are not going to deal with it any more and come around when she is doing good...

Didn't it break your heart to just walk away though? I know I have to. I know I need to cut my ties. But I just worry about her so much.

 

[megangrohl]

Oh dear. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I haven't been through this but I wanted to offer you some advice? If you can't do this anymore, then don't. I think she knows you can be manipulated in a way, so she keeps doing it knowing you will forgive her. This is not healthy for your pregnancy hun, you need to be away from all stress possible. Maybe you can see someone about this, because it seems like it's affected your life and your psyche in a big way. And she needs help, but really when someone doesn't want to be helped they won't budge. She will get help when she wants/needs it and I hope for both your cases that it won't be too late once she decides to get it. I can't offer much more than words of advice, but I hope she gets help soon and you should see a therapist and get this stuff off your chest. Take care of yourself hunny, you don't need anymore stress. *hugs*

 

[LilianA]

Oh my goodness!! I'm so sorry your going thru this hun I really don't know what to say but try to take care of yourself and baby..
My mom lives far away I need an airplane to get to her, she and her husband are old and they keep doing all these dangerous things like building sheds and getting on the roof and they just won't listen to anyone..her husband just fell the other day and broke his skull and arm!!! I'm surprised he made it alive at his age..and I know its a matter of time till she does the same to herself..I always worry about her but there's not much we can do but pray they get some sense into them and start making right decisions. I hope she comes around soon hun and starts taking better care of herself.

 

[no drama mama]

Didn't it break your heart to just walk away though? I know I have to. I know I need to cut my ties. But I just worry about her so much.

I know you worry about her but you can't force someone to get help. They have to want it for themselves. I'm sorry, this shouldn't have to be an issue for you

 

[sjwebb]

My mother struggled with drugs and alcohol also, the ending of my story does not have a happy ending. I've realized with people with addictions is to get help they have to WANT help. And lets face it, none of them think they have a problem so they don't want help. You have to remember this is not your mother, this is the alcohol making her act like this. I know its hard to watch your mother go through this because you want the best for her and you want her to be a wonderful grandmother but sometimes its best to not have those influences in your life.

My father is no longer in mine, for the exact reason. Give her one last ultimatum....ask her if she will get help.

 

[3buutifulgirl]

Sorry I didn't want to read and run...I am sorry that you are going through this while you are pregnant. My mother was the same way with out the health problems and I just quit calling her and every once in a while she would call me, but mostly to start trouble. I finally told her look if you can't be a mother to me then stay out of my life. She finally straightened up with occasional drinking and we talk just not very often she is a grand mother when she wants to be and I am fine with that. I have learned to deal with her when I can and don't deal with her when I can't...It is hard as she is your mother, but you will figure out how to deal with her even if it hurts her in the long run maybe she will finally realize you are not going to deal with it any more and come around when she is doing good...

Didn't it break your heart to just walk away though? I know I have to. I know I need to cut my ties. But I just worry about her so much.

Well my mom did some pretty bad things to me and even tho she did those things it still broke my heart, but I just told myself that it would all be better in the end for me and my children and it was...She is a totally different person now and we get along well...We just don't talk that often and we never argue or fight any more I still see her on some weekend and at least twice a month so it is a win win situation!!! Good Luck in however you handle the situation.

 

[ohiomom]

I used to work in ETOH treatment, so I have some experience with this. You need to let her go and live your life. People do not change for others, they change for themselves. You cannot be this stressed over someone who talks to you this way, mom or not. Regardless if it is the booze talking, you do not deserve this. Maybe once you move on with your life, she will find some guidance.

 

[TheNewMrs]

I used to work in ETOH treatment, so I have some experience with this. You need to let her go and live your life. People do not change for others, they change for themselves. You cannot be this stressed over someone who talks to you this way, mom or not. Regardless if it is the booze talking, you do not deserve this. Maybe once you move on with your life, she will find some guidance.

I know that you are right, and I know that I need to, but do I just start to ignore her or what ? I know tomorrow that she'll be apologetic, and say she didnt mean the things she said. And Im supposed to forgive and forget. How do I actually walk away though?

 

[lizzywiz]

My mother is also an alcoholic- the kind who hides it, lies, etc. She is constantly hurting herself and drives drunk, too.
It took me many, many years, but, with my husband's support, I finally decided NOT to cut her off and instead have very firm boundaries. Walking away would have hurt me as much as it hurt her.
The boundaries are different for everyone, but here are the ones that worked for me:
-I won't see or talk to her when she is drinking/drunk. I'll shut the door in her face or hang up on her.
-If she insists on calling me drunk, I get her number blocked (haven't had to do this for a long while).
-I invite her over for holidays. She can come if she is sober, but if she is not she can't come and my holiday progresses with no drama. I don't go to her house for holidays because if she was drunk my day would be ruined.
- I tell her if I need a break from her (like when she has been particularly shitty) and give myself 2-3 weeks of no contact if I need it.
-I learned to say 'no' when she tried to manipulate me, as addicts often do.

These rules mean that sometimes I don't see or hear from her for a month, because she is on a binge. That is hard, not knowing if she is okay, but I have learned that I can't save her. And we also get to still have a relationship, which is nice. My mom knows that I am ready to support her whenever she is ready for help and I know that she may never be ready. Drinking will probably kill her but I know that is not my fault.

TheNewMrs, you are not responsible for your mother.

I wish you well with this struggle. It is so hard to set boundaries with our moms, as they know exactly how to get to us, and there was a lot of crying on my side while I practiced saying 'no' to her and stopped rescuing her.
Hardest thing I ever did.

 

[NewMama2012]

So sorry that you are going through this hun. Its hard, I know. **Hugs**

 

[AngelUK]

All these ladies have basically said what I wanted to say to you. First of all I am sorry for you and your brothers that this happening! I don't have any experience with this myself but my best friend's mother is an alcoholic. My friend also found it very hard to walk away from her mum when she was drunk and to put up and stick to some boundaries. She went to Al-Anon which is linked to Alcoholics Anonymous but is there for the family members of alcoholics. She told me talking about this with ppl who are in the same boat helped her find those boundaries and to recognise what in her own behaviour might actually be enabling to her mother's condition. She didn't even know that shielding her mother and picking up the pieces when the mother crashed again kind of enabled her too. So if you have an Al-Anon group near you this might be a really good thing to get info on, for you and your brothers? I hope all goes well for you and send you lots of hugs and courage. xxx
Edit: here is a link to their website https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

 

[lalila0007]

My mother is also an alcoholic- the kind who hides it, lies, etc. She is constantly hurting herself and drives drunk, too.
It took me many, many years, but, with my husband's support, I finally decided NOT to cut her off and instead have very firm boundaries. Walking away would have hurt me as much as it hurt her.
The boundaries are different for everyone, but here are the ones that worked for me:
-I won't see or talk to her when she is drinking/drunk. I'll shut the door in her face or hang up on her.
-If she insists on calling me drunk, I get her number blocked (haven't had to do this for a long while).
-I invite her over for holidays. She can come if she is sober, but if she is not she can't come and my holiday progresses with no drama. I don't go to her house for holidays because if she was drunk my day would be ruined.
- I tell her if I need a break from her (like when she has been particularly shitty) and give myself 2-3 weeks of no contact if I need it.
-I learned to say 'no' when she tried to manipulate me, as addicts often do.

These rules mean that sometimes I don't see or hear from her for a month, because she is on a binge. That is hard, not knowing if she is okay, but I have learned that I can't save her. And we also get to still have a relationship, which is nice. My mom knows that I am ready to support her whenever she is ready for help and I know that she may never be ready. Drinking will probably kill her but I know that is not my fault.

TheNewMrs, you are not responsible for your mother.

I wish you well with this struggle. It is so hard to set boundaries with our moms, as they know exactly how to get to us, and there was a lot of crying on my side while I practiced saying 'no' to her and stopped rescuing her.
Hardest thing I ever did.

Lizzy - I think this is incredible advice and great way of dealing issues like this.

TheNewMrs - I am so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you! Be strong and brave for your little one. You can do it!

 

[Akinesia]

So sorry you're going through this. My parents aren't alcoholics, but they are extremely abusive and malicious people that I could no longer deal with. I think the most important thing is recognizing that you need to set these boundaries of reduced or no contact, and to no longer feel guilty for not putting yourself in a position that may result in your being injured either physically or emotionally. If that means cutting her out completely, then so be it.

The way that I dealt with my parents is I got them both in the same room, I told them how I feel about their abuse, and said that we can start fresh right now, with an apology from them and on the terms that they stop this behaviour. If not, they can just keep in mind what I have told them, and when they are ready to stop their behaviour, they are more than welcome to pick up the phone and call me. And until they stop, they are not welcome to contact me further. That was almost 3 years ago now, and I have not heard from them once. Kinda bittersweet, because while I no longer have to deal with their harassing, insulting phone calls (my mother would literally call me just to belittle me and hang up), I also realize that they put this behaviour before their own daughter. I too cannot see how it would be possible to treat my son/daughter in this manner. It's unimaginable how some people are like this.

You just have to be ready for the reality that confronting her and saying it's either the booze or you and walking away, may actually lead you to never see her again. It's what you need to do for the both of you though. Because by continuing to help her, you're enabling her behaviour. The only way she stands a chance of snapping out of this is to hit rock bottom and realize no one is going to save her and help her continue to be an alcoholic. Sometimes cutting people out actually helps them and is the motivation they need to recover. And sometimes it isn't... sometimes nothing is. It's all on your mother, what she sees as most important in her life and what she wants to do from then on. Whatever her choice is, it won't be your fault. I really hope she makes the right choice, and is able to come back into your life and her grandchild's life. Good luck to you!

 

[TheNewMrs]

Youve all been such a help to me, Thank you.

I have done the whole ultimatum and she genuinely believes she doesnt have a problem because this is how her friends behave too. She thinks I am being "self righeous" by trying to explain to her the damage she is doing to herself and our entire family. She has no desire at all to change. I told her tonight that I need some time to think this out myself. That I have so much going on with my pregnancy, my step-son and just general life that I can't deal with her drama right now too.

She pulled the grieving card. My Nana (her Mum) passed away on June 5th. And I automatically felt lower than dirt on my shoes for even suggesting walking away from her "at this time". Then I remembered, there's always an excuse. Yes she is grieving, but so am I. We all are. She was offered councelling and refused it, I think because she needs the grief as an excuse to blame for the drink and the horrible behaviour. I told her not to contact me because I didnt want to speak to her till She's got some kind of help-action in place to deal with the grief, the drinking and the anger.

She proceeded to tell me that "Id be better off dead if my own daughter wont even speak to me". So that confirms the manipulation...

How blind was I that I couldnt see what she was doing?