How do you deal with it?

[Wishing_well]

I currently have 4 children (6,4,2&3 months) all girls, but my husband has said he absolutely doesn’t want anymore. (#4 was an earlier than planned surprise)
I was pretty sure I was done whilst pregnant with #4, but over the last few weeks I’m really really sad that I’ll never ever go through pregnancy/labour again.
Also as soon as she was born I had a niggly disappointment that she wasn’t a boy. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I’m grieving over the little boy I’ll never have.
Gender was NEVER on my mind until that last pregnancy, and I didn’t care what they were, but now I’m longing for a boy!
I’m also just not ready for that stage of my life to be over... it’s what I do. Breastfeeding, tiny babies and toddlers. It’s my life.

How do you deal with it being ‘the end’ even though you’re not ready? I’ve shed so many tears over the last 3 months but I don’t realistically see my husband changing his mind.

Please no ‘just enjoy the kids you already have’ comments. I do/am but it’s not as easy as that.

 

[AngelUK]

I totally understand that you don't want to hear those kinds of comments but to be honest reminding myself very sternly of my incredible good fortune in having my two boys is how I keep myself from grieving the big family I dreamed of and now never will have. I had my twins with the help of fertility treatment (IUI) at over 40, so that part of my life IS over as I am now too old to have more kids. But being too old and nearing meno pause sadly has not lessened the ache or the longing. I so understand how you are feeling and can only offer sympathy.

 

[lau86]

To answer your question it’s very very hard! I have 3 and would really like a 4th, there is no reason we couldn’t but hubby says no. My youngest is 3 now and in lots of ways those feelings get easier. You do more things that you can’t do with a small baby, you sleep better, whatever it may be there are pros to not having a small baby.
You must be so busy I can’t imagine it would be too hard to distract yourself from these feelings. I think gender may be a bit of a red herring if you weren’t too bothered before now.

 

[bluebell]

I can completely relate but I only have one child who's 10. I absolutely adore being his mum, and since he was 3 years old I've been yearning for another child but my DH has always been adamant no more (which to be fair to him is what we agreed before our son was born)

It's weird because my broodiness comes in waves, sometimes for months at a time it seems like it's all I can think about but then other times it sits easier at the back of my mind. I try and remind myself how lucky I am and my main way of dealing with the situation is thinking what will be, will be. We don't use protection and haven't for years as we rely on the pull out method but have never had so much as a scare. If I did miraculously fall pregnant I'd see it as a blessing and meant to be and I'm sure my DH would to (after the shock had worn off!)

I wish someone had a magic answer for changing their husband's minds! I literally can't understand why he doesn't see the huge benefits in having another which in my opinion far outweigh any of the negatives, but he just doesn't see it that way and I'm not sure he ever will.

It's a hard situation to be in

xx

 

[Wishing_well]

To answer your question it’s very very hard! I have 3 and would really like a 4th, there is no reason we couldn’t but hubby says no. My youngest is 3 now and in lots of ways those feelings get easier. You do more things that you can’t do with a small baby, you sleep better, whatever it may be there are pros to not having a small baby.
You must be so busy I can’t imagine it would be too hard to distract yourself from these feelings. I think gender may be a bit of a red herring if you weren’t too bothered before now.

Gender wasn’t really on my mind until I was pregnant with #4. I wanted a boy but played it down when people asked, especially as I had constant ‘trying for a boy?’ comments.
They keep me busy, but my mind still wanders and I’m finding my everyday thoughts being taken over by ‘what ifs’ and feeling down/depressed.
My husband has no idea how seriously it’s affecting me and just think I’m ‘one of those women that always wants babies’

 

[lau86]

I feel the same, it does come in phases though and for a long time I’ve been ok and haven’t even been on baby and bump. Then I become broody and start seeking out baby related things again just to have a day dream about it I guess.
My husband has always said no but refuses to have a vasectomy which makes me really annoyed as I have medical conditions which mean I can’t have a contraceptive that suits me well. I have never sat him down and said look I really really want this as 1) I am never sure I do really want it and 2) I don’t want to hear him crush the dream. I am hoping to have that conversation soon though as If we are going to do it I want it to be in the next year or so.
Sounds like you need to have a chat with your hubby x

 

[Wishing_well]

I feel the same, it does come in phases though and for a long time I’ve been ok and haven’t even been on baby and bump. Then I become broody and start seeking out baby related things again just to have a day dream about it I guess.
My husband has always said no but refuses to have a vasectomy which makes me really annoyed as I have medical conditions which mean I can’t have a contraceptive that suits me well. I have never sat him down and said look I really really want this as 1) I am never sure I do really want it and 2) I don’t want to hear him crush the dream. I am hoping to have that conversation soon though as If we are going to do it I want it to be in the next year or so.
Sounds like you need to have a chat with your hubby x

I totally get what you mean about crushing the dream. When my husband actually said the words ‘no I don’t want anymore. Ever’ it hurt!
We had a similar issue after #3. My husband was ‘done’ but wouldn’t get a vasectomy... and then #4 happened. This time he’s adamant that’s its happening and today told me that he booked an appointment last week, but is probably going to cancel it. Wtf that’s sending me mixed messages?!
We’ve had a chat but it hasn’t really gone anywhere and he ends up getting annoyed with me.. ‍

 

[lau86]

So playing devils advocate.. how many children would you ideally have? How would you fund them? Is there car/ house issues? What are his reasons for no more? Obviously you don’t have to tell me the answers but I find with my hubby he is about the practical things. Maybe you need to ‘put your case’ to him

 

[Lizzybee]

I totally get what you mean about crushing the dream. When my husband actually said the words ‘no I don’t want anymore. Ever’ it hurt!
We had a similar issue after #3. My husband was ‘done’ but wouldn’t get a vasectomy... and then #4 happened. This time he’s adamant that’s its happening and today told me that he booked an appointment last week, but is probably going to cancel it. Wtf that’s sending me mixed messages?!
We’ve had a chat but it hasn’t really gone anywhere and he ends up getting annoyed with me.. ‍

Those words are horrendous to hear aren't they? Like someone stabbed you in the chest. I have no words if advice as I'm in that same situation, I only have 1 though. I'm sorry to hear no happy accidents have occurred. My dh gets annoyed with me too. Hard to hide the feelings though isn't it? I don't cope, I hide and cry. Sending hugs x