How do you handle visitors?

[Jingles23]

Just wondering how you have or are planning on handling visitors after a home birth. I had my daughter in the hospital and, while my family was really respectful, I found my in laws to be very overwhelming and loud. They always come in a large group and it seems like they can't each visit on their own. Last time they came with my two nieces and were bouncing all over the room and having a big old party and I was stuck not being able to breastfeed and not loud enough to make them leave. Same thing happened when my nephew was born a few months ago. Everyone went to their house and totally ran over the whole place and my poor SIL had just had a baby. I understand they are excited but I'm really looking forward to the bonding time this time around and really don't want my house to be run over by them all a few hours after giving birth. My husband doesn't seem concerned but I'm starting to stress. Any tips??

 

[SparkleUK]

Hi there!
I'm not having a home birth, but, I'm also stressing about this matter!
My in laws are separated, and really don't know when enough is enough! They are like guests in my house I.e expecting teas and coffees whereas my own family would come over and support me and make ME the tea and look after us!!

This is our first baby so I'm going to be really selfish at first. I'm saying only immediate family in hospital so mums and dads no sisters brothers or their partners, except my own sister who will help me shower etc etc...
Then when were home I want time just me and my OH with baby to bond. We're just going to say please leave us to bond for a few days and we will be in touch when we're ready for visitors.
My OH isn't bothered tbh about this, I think he wants a few days with his daughter himself! I just wanna lock us away for a few days and get to. Know our daughter without ppl taking her off us to hold!!!
Xx

 

[loulouamy]

Hi Ladies, I am 5 weeks pp and am still having to be strict with visitors.
I had my son in hospital but came home within 12 hours, he was born during the night so got to spend the time with him and hubby alone before going home. I have a very large family and we are all extremely close so I know that visiting was going to be an issue. I rang my mother before I left the hospital and told her we would be home soon and to round up the family that they had an hour to visit and then we were going to bed. They all arrived and it was hectic but after an hour hubby announced that we had not slept in over 40 hours and were going to bed.....
ALL our friends rang to ask could they come over and we told them that we were all tired and going to bed. The first week is crazy... everyone wants to come see the baby ( not you unfortunately ) it was so draining but the best thing to do is when people ask can they come over say yes but come before 6pm ( or whenever suits you ) as you will be settling baby after that and they wont be able to hold baby etc.

The hardest thing I have found ( and still am ) is saying no to picking baby up. My rule is if you have already met the baby then unless baby is awake when you arrive you dont get to hold him... this pisses some people off ( mother in law ) but at the end of the day you are the one left holding the screaming baby once they leave....

Good Luck... Be firm... Enjoy New baby because trust me, my son is only 5 weeks old be he is getting so big so fast...

 

[summer rain]

The weird thing is after I had my home birth one of OH's aunties came over but no-one else did for about 10 days! I was surprised as with my eldest it was a nightmare as my FIL brought all his random elder friends and MIL brought over 9 million of her friends and I didn't get any sleep or rest and I was stuck in hospital for nearly 4 full days after having him on the ward so it was a nightmare experience. With second eldest one of the reasons we had him 200 miles away at my parents' local hospital was to avoid all those visitors. So I was worried when I decided to have second youngest at home but as I said only one relative turned up . I'm not sure what the others thought they may find there, blood splattered on the walls maybe? They may surprise you xx

 

[murmur]

I think we were quite lucky in that our visitors spread out over two or three weeks. the worst visit we had was the in laws when son was 6 days old. they barely got to see him as I was pretty much breast feeding him ALL day as he was having his first growth spurt. I didn't know about growth spurts at the time so I was in tears thinking I wasn't producing enough milk. Hubby tried to get his parents to leave early but they wouldn't take the hint, it was nearly 10pm before finally left. Everything was much better when they popped over the following day and they got to spend some quality time with their grandson.

This time round we won't be having visitors around day 5 or 6, and the in laws have said that they won't be coming up for a couple of weeks this time. Phew!

 

[MandaAnda]

No one is allowed round unless I invite them. I'm glad I live in the UK, as I find it not as bad as my native US where people seem to think they're entitled to enter the labour room and hang out in the waiting room. Crazy! My mom wanted to fly over for my little boy's birth, but I convinced her it was best not to since birthdays are so unpredictable. The truth was, I didn't want her at the birth, think it's incredibly rude for people to invite themselves like it's a right rather than offer. And I wanted at least a week of just our little family.

It'll be the same this time. I'll be having my babymoon, and no one is allowed round unless I say. And the same thing goes for cuddles. Babies, especially breastfed babies, are hormonally linked to their mums. Other people's scents, etc, can mess bonding and baby's sense of security all up. No playing pass the parcel with my baby.

 

[floatingbaby]

Thanks for this post - I'm concerned about this too. We are moving to my hometown at 37w for the birth and the summer and going to be staying with my folks until we get sorted then move onto our boat.
The MW in the area (only one) cannot take me on, so I have to have a hospital birth But my doc and the hosp are great, so it's not too bad. My mother is welcome to be with me and DH during labour, we are very close and she has had 5 babies, but attended 5 of her 6 grandbaby births, and she's becoming a certified doula in 5 weeks... Anyway we were chatting and I said that I don't want everyone (siblings, dad and all) waiting outside the delivery room - which is how it was with my sis and SIL. Then doc announces "it's a boy" and everyone rushes in. I said I want to either have no hospital visitors (if I get out quickly) or call and invite people. My ma said "it's not all about you, you know" "actually, it is" I told her, and she said that there are so many people who already also love this baby and want to meet it right away, but I do not feel like I will be ready to share that special time with others.

I have wanted this baby for so long, and the last thing I want is to squeeze her out then pass her around! Come on! I feel like my mom thinks I'm being selfish by not wanting visitors right away...

Sorry, not helpful, but I'm with you!

 

[Kess]

You're not being selfish at all, floatingbaby, and you can tell your mother that if people truly love this baby (rather than just want the fun of cuddling a newborn and feeling important for being in at the beginning) they will do what is best for the baby, which is encouraging baby's bonding with his/her mother and also father - by keeping out of the way for a couple of days and leaving you to bond! Frankly, nobody else is important to the baby at this point, just mother whose smell and voice and heartbeat are all familiar and father whose voice s/he knows and who needs to bond with baby as soon as possible.

After my HB, people were fine, they called to ask when to visit and we arranged a couple of days after the birth. It helps that 1) they all live at least an hour away and 2) my Mom, Dad and sister were all here for the birth anyway! We'll have moved closer to one or both sides of the family by the time we TTC again, but anyone just showing up or trying to insist they got to visit sooner than we wanted will be given short shrift. That said, I was happy for visitors within a couple of days first time round, I was the typical proud mama wanting to show off my beautiful boy, and apart from being sore from stitches I felt fine too very quickly - natural birth tends to be quicker to recover from so you may find you feel the same.

 

[MandaAnda]

That's not a good attitude for a potential doula to have. It IS all about what you want for your birth. You only carry and birth this baby once. I know there's no way I'd hire a doula who thought it wasn't all about the birthing mother. You might want to tell her that.

 

[ruaaur]

I SO appreciate this thread as well. I'm a first time mom having a home birth, and I feel like I'm going to have to put a sign on the door, lock up, and turn off our phone.

I guess a question would be

When someone is holding your new baby, what is a polite way of saying that you want to hold them again?

 

[fionar]

Be firm about your wishes. Last time I kinda let people show up all the time and I regretted it. This time we're being firm about no visitors for the first few days and after that, we'll be limiting visits to one or two people a day rather than the somewhat constant stream we had last time.

Hopefully no one will pitch a fit, but if they do that's really not my problem - and it's not yours, either. Express your wishes, get your partner to help you enforce them, and on down the road no one will remember they had to wait two weeks to meet baby... but you'll sure be glad you let yourself get rest those first days/weeks. It's your baby and your recovery and you have the right to limit visits, because they can be draining.

 

[fionar]

Oh, and have a signal with your partner that a visit is starting to wear you out so he can show visitors to the door.

Also, blame the midwife if you have to, she won't mind. "Oh, she said I have to (insert excuse here - time to nap, time to nurse, nurse in private the first week so baby can focus, take a sitz bath every couple hours, whatever), so we'll need to see you out! SO sorry!" - it can work wonders.

 

[Jingles23]

Thank you! It's so great that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I think blaming the midwife is an awesome idea. I figure, I can always just say I need to nurse and disappear with baby upstairs. We also have a 2 year old and I want time with just us to let her get used to the idea of a new baby. Another thing I was thinking is that we don't have to call people the minute the baby pops out. If we want to wait an hour or two that will be fine. I really want nursing to go well this time so I'm going to need the time to bond and figure things out.

 

[ljo1984]

I found second time I got alot less visitors, I ended up transferring and spent the day/night in hosital with her first.
Next time I'll be planning hb again, luckily those who I know will be eager to see the baby will ask first if its ok when there after coming round. Otherwise I'd just have to be brutal and say no if I wasn't ready.

 

[lynnikins]

we wont hopefully have much of an issue with family visitors as it looks like MIL is moving back to sweden in a months time so will be there when baby is born. friends will be doing meals for us for 2-3 wks following babies birth so if baby is awake when they drop off dinner then they will get a short cuddle but we tend to get out and about quickly after babies are born ( i was in the post office getting the christmas post sent when ds3 was 18hrs old ) so people get to see baby when we are out rather than coming over and expecting to be waited on etc..

 

[madasa]

Just wondering how you have or are planning on handling visitors after a home birth.

Warn everyone ahead of time that you will be buck naked the first week of the baby's life. It gets rid of most people!

 

[MumMumMum]

I have said to dh that we should only have my parents visit if I stay in hospital (dd1 will be staying with them so they can bring her too). Otherwise they can wait until we are home, so they see her too. We'll also say no visitors at first while our dd1 adjusts and we get in a routine. Can you use the same reasons?

It's not only that I want a few days but I don't wamt dd1 to miss out or be overwhelmed. I'll be making it quite clear that all attention should not be on the new baby alone.

 

[misslissa]

I've been advised by friends to be strict and not allow visitors other than parents/brother for the first 10 days or so. Made me feel better as that's what I wanted anyway and the fact my friends suggested it being mums themselves means they get it.

I want the time as the three of us at the start. It's also unfair on OH not to as he's only off for the first 2 weeks and will want private time with his child. I don't think it's fair for him to share in those precious first week or two and I think my friends will understand that.

I know I'm very considerate when others have babies, wouldn't even ask before the first two weeks and then I only stay an hour. It's common sense the new parents will be tired so being considerate isn't difficult.

 

[Bonnie11]

I'm along the same lines as you guys, I can't believe some people don't think and stay for 4/5 hours! I just want people popping in for half an hour max. I'm going to be quite brutal about it as I really just want time for us to bond as a family. Luckily a lot of my friends and family have fairly new babies so they will know that I don't want people in my house for hours on end. I'm just planning on being straight with people and saying ' I need to go and have a sleep/put the baby down for a nap'. If you are blunt with people rather than hinting for them to leave they can't really say that much. Although I dot want to be rude, I need to put my feelings and baby's first. Don't feel bad or wanting to spend time alone with your baby! X

 

[autumn88]

In general with visitors weather it be Birth center, Hospital, in a forest or at home lol i say no visitors during labor and after birth. Only Husband, kids if you have any and midwifes. If at hospital, Only Husband, Doula (midwife if there is one) your kids if you have any. FOR ME, thats my personal opinion. My mom and i dont get a long and never have. I dont want her any where near me lol. This time around im having a Hospital birth because we cant afford the midwife fee which is Ridiculous amount of money. We think she over charges.
Anyway, after i give birth, the placenta and there done checking me and my baby then my MIL, Mom and grandparents can come in and look then leave lol.