How to deal with emotional issues? [warning negative, maybe trigger]

[Butterfly89]

I never had a problem with PMS or hormones in my life, so I know its not that. Just to get it out of the way. =) Also just want to warn you if you are already depressed or fighting to stay positive, it might trigger you to feel worse, so click the back button! I do express self-depricating thoughts and I don't want to give anyone ideas. Anyway...

Basically the past 3 or so months (TTC for almost a year now) I have been so down every month. Not even just before AF, but all the time. I can't stop thinking about TTC and feeling bad. I tried to stop caring, but it lasted maybe a week, lol.

How do you deal with the emotional issues? I am really terrible now and I bring others down without meaning to. I either cry, get angry, or am totally apathetic, all the time. I can't afford to get a counselor/doctor and because I am employed, I don't qualify for free treatment. I went to psychiatrists/therapists for depression in my teen years a couple times, but they all agreed I was fine and it was just normal response to being different in school (didn't drink or party and was nerdy haha) and getting bullied, etc. I've never actually experienced anger before these last few months. I know that sounds crazy, but its true. I would only get angry before if someone hurt my friends/family, but now I just feel pissed off all the time for no apparent reason, unless I am feeling sad, or feeling nothing.

For example, my mom told me a touching news story about a girl in an accident and her friend that gave her a present or something, idk, and I automatically just shot it down by saying it's fake, her parents made her, and its not even newsworthy, etc.

I hate being so mean and negative, but I'm constantly on edge and these things just burst out of my mouth now. I used to have people tell me I was the most positive, understanding, nice person, but now I can't even be around people because I don't trust myself not to ruin their day. I literally have to hide away and not talk to anyone and I think its becoming kind of hermit-y.

And of course the depression side. I feel pointless and worthless all the time, like there's no point working, studying, having relationships, etc. because it's going nowhere, etc etc dramatic teenage angsty thoughts, etc... haha. But I'm an adult, I shouldn't have these stupid thoughts now.

I really can't help it. I've tried working on myself and just forcing myself to be nice and pleasant, but I can't do it anymore. I have tried antidepressants in the past but they all made me gain weight and anxious and I could not feel anything physically or mentally on them.

What are some tips for dealing with these issues? Like feeling inadequate as a woman, guilty for being unable to produce a child for DH, jealous of others, pointless in life, etc? I know they are NOT rational and I would never think those things of anyone else, but I feel that way about myself. I have tried distraction but I can no longer focus. Work has become excruciating to deal with, emotionally, as well as physical symptoms to deal with... and I can't even get my course work done for my online study.

I'm at the end of the road I think. =( Just need some tips! Thanks ladies!

 

[mizuno]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, honey.

I'm not sure what advice to give you... Have you told anyone how you feel (your mom, sister or DH)? Have you told anyone that you are TTC? Perhaps if they understood what you are going through they would be able to help you. No one should have to suffer alone. And don't worry about bringing everyone down - people who love you will understand. If you don't feel comfortable talking to "real" people about it, it always helps to vent here

I have gone through a similar rough patch in my life (not TTC-related), so I can kind of relate. And I know what you mean by feeling inaquate as a woman - I think at some point during TTC we all feel that way There is so much pressure from friends, family, media, etc to have babies, and they can make you feel (well, they certainly have made me feel), like people that have kids are somehow better or happier than you. But don't buy into it! You are so much more than a "baby-producing machine". I hope that one day you get pregnant (and I'm sure you will - there's lots of help out there), but until then try to focus on other things you are good at and other things you have now. Staying in the present and focusing on here and now will help get you through rough patches. Also, it may sound cheesy, but reaffirming positive things about yourself can really help - like saying out loud to yourself things like "I have a great husband who loves me" or "I am good at my job" or whatever Just like negative thoughts tend to bring up more negative thoughts (and cause a viscious circle), positive thinking will bring up more positive thoughts.

And as hard as it is, try to get out and be around people - I know it's hard to get going, but once you get out and start talking to people it will make you feel better.

And finally, if you are feeling depressed all the time I would really suggest that you see a therapist, even if just for one session. They can give you tools to cope with bad feelings when they come up.

Now, chin up and get those positive thoughts flowing! Your time WILL come and you WILL get pregnant and you WILL be happy!

lots of hugs and baby dust to you!!!!

(sorry about the long post)

 

[Butterfly89]

I can't talk to my sister because we don't talk. Anyway. I don't really have any positive family relationships. But that's another issue I guess, lol. ^^ OH won't talk about it at all, I think he finds it too stressful and is just not in a rush, but does not understand my medical issues and that it -is- kind of a rush (well not literally, but as in I need to be this side of 30) since if I wait too long, it for sure will not happen! Or even be safe. At least from what I was told by the doctor. So it's a little complicated trying to get him on board... He tends to deal with things the opposite of me.. I overthink, he just doesn't think about it, lol. Maybe its more of a male thing?

I am trying to work on finding something positive and so far I have... I have a cute dog.. well, he's my parents dog... But I spend a lot of time with him and he needs me to take care of him too... And that's it, but its enough lol. =) So that has carried me through so far. As silly as it is, lol. ^_^

And yes, that's exactly it! It's the social pressure that seems to say women either have to have a big fancy career or have kids. I don't have either, so I kind of feel like I have no identity. I guess I can work on that one and try and maybe learn a new hobby or something...

I am trying to get a better job so I can get benefits to see a therapist. I will look forward to it, but for now I'm working on it on my own.

Thanks for your post, it was really helpful. =) I am going to work on the positive messages and going out into public. You reminded me of some really important things too.

 

[AC1987]

Aww TTC can make anyone feel depressed or sad. You're not alone in that area.. But being a woman is much more then just having a baby or child.
What helps me is telling myself that without all the downs in life you can't enjoy the highs as much
I don't give the greatest advise but I'm all ears!

 

[Butterfly89]

Well, I think its my own fault for always putting so much stock into it being what I want. Any time something bad happen, I just always thought "Oh well, it makes me stronger and I'll just be the best mother some day and put everything into that!" so it has kind of disappointed me I guess.

Not that I think having a kid can "fix you" or make you solely happy since raising a kid is so stressful at times in itself, and that is way too much responsibility to place on your kid's shoulders... but I always knew it would make me very happy and kind of make any other stresses worth it. =)

But I guess there are other things too. Like I've always wanted to buy a place in the country and set it up as a foster home/no-kill shelter for dogs. It's just going to be a little harder to reach those other things because they require... well, lots of money, lol. I guess I need more attainable goals is the real problem LOL!

 

[LilLeafyLea]

Hi Butterfly, I thought your post was so heartfelt and poignant. I think every woman ttc, with emphasis on the ltttc'ers have felt, or are feeling the same way as you are. You are certainly not alone in this and I hope that you can take some solace from that.

What you are experiencing are completely natural feelings and I for one don't think that medication will help you. They will only suppress the feelings you have and the problem will still remain. Instead, I think you should be employing methods of dealing with your emotions and anxiety at face value. I'm not a professional however, so perhaps talk this over with your GP and see what their opinion is?

I try to deal with my emotional issues by being as sussed as I can about my cycles...now I know that sounds crazy. It's like telling a person with OCD to get a cleaning job to distract them from their disorder...But, I think being clued up about my cycle gives me a sense of control. Even when my body does things that are way beyond my actual control I can still pinpoint why and how it is happening and feel better with the knowledge.

Secondly, apart from being equipped with all of your cycle/symptom info, you should go over what you have tried. Post them here in a list and we can all help to go over methods you could try. Check out the thread I started here - https://www.babyandbump.com/trying-conceive-1/707234-roll-up-roll-up-statistical-chance-least-one-bfp-14th-bfp-announced.html The first page goes over all of the methods people have used and a fair few have already got their BFP's. Hope it's of some use to you. Not only that but the girls on the thread have been my free therapists (well, I hope the advice is free!) and are more than worth their weight in gold! You should drop by and say hello!

Thirdly, I see by your siggy that you're an avid knitter. I would say get busy! It doesn't necessarily have to be baby items but anything you've fancied creating but have put off. Learn a new knitting technique to use on your project. It'll probably frustrate the hell out of you at first but persevere with it, put another string to your knitting needle bow and create something beautiful in the process! Like you said, perhaps you should look into some more hobbies. I joined a gym recently and I have booked a Pilates session - In with the positive energy - out with the stress (and possibly a little gas!)

Fourthly (Is fourthly even a word?! I've decided that it is!), fourthly (yep, sounds right) your friends are your friends for a reason. It's their job to listen, to offer advice, to distract you from feeling the way you do with having you listen to their issues for a while, to allow you to feel better by simply airing your concerns (by simply talking about your issues it really does make a huge difference). Your friends will hopefully have the great ability to make you laugh, allow you to forget your troubles for a while and give you a more positive outlook - you owe it to yourself to do this.

Fifthly (that's definitely not a word..I have grammatical OCD!), I would advise you to laugh! Laugh at yourself, laugh at/with other people even when you feel like crying. I find if I force myself to do this even on my darkest days, my mind slowly comes round to the idea that it may actually be good for me! I try to be light hearted when I think about my wombs impending doom! My oh and I regularly make jokes about his broken penis and my defunct uterus. It's sick and morose, yes, but it helps us deal with what is otherwise a loaded subject.

There's no need to justify your need for wanting children, it's innate in most women and of course, we are all programmed to reproduce. I won't advise you to focus on your work or try not to stress about ttc as that's an oxymoron in my opinion and I wouldn't give advice I couldn't take myself!

All I can say is that I really hope the cloud clears for you and you realise how fab you are and how much you really deserve the BFP I so hope you get soon.

Best wishes xxx

 

[ourfate]

I totally feel you here, been ttc 13 months now, and feeling so down and i think DH is getting a little annoyed that im always down about this and always tells me to stop stressing, and like you said i tried and it didnt last very long! i TRY my best to stay positive but it is hard. Your not alone

 

[Butterfly89]

LilLeafyLea, that was a wonderful response. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I agree about not needing medication; I personally think its truly emotional and logical, not a chemical imbalance or anything. I have been keeping a journal of cycles and using FF for a while and it really has helped. I think it just hit me today because I'm starting a new job and feel such a loss of control over being able to do anything about it since I can't make any appointments, had to cancel an HSG, and am kind of way behind now with trying to control it medically!

But that being said, I am so grateful for the job because it will likely lead to a way better future for OH, myself, and any pets... and hopefully LOs. =) Sometimes I think I just hold it in too much and everything goes "bleghhh" all at once and I become the worst person ever, lol.

I will go check out that thread! It looks so helpful.

And yes - I've decided the knitting is a great idea. I have some patterns in Japanese that are adorable, but I don't speak Japanese. New project... translating them! LOL. That should keep me very, very busy.

I might also try to get back to the gym since I haven't gone all month.

I think the friends part is a big one. I live in a school city - everyone comes to go to college/university, then leaves for somewhere better, so all my friends moved away and I'm kind of lonely that way. But I do have online friends and of course there is here. So I don't feel totally alone in it now!

Thanks so much for all your understanding and nonjudgmental comments, everyone who posted. Sometimes I'm scared to share these kinds of feelings because I feel terrible and crazy, but I realize its just part of it for some people.

 

[TTCfor2long]

I 100% know how you feel! DH and I have been TTC #1 for over 5 years now. Not even a miscarriage to let us know it's possible. It is so hard dealing with all the emotions and life stresses. I went to a doctor and got prescribed an anti-depressant which worked great but stressed me out even more thinking about conceiving on those things. So I her take me off them. I started taking multi-vitamins and they seem to help tremendously, which was surprising. I decided to put school on hold until sometime next year, just to deal with lowering my stress level. I finally feel like I am in a better place, thank goodness. The only times I really find myself going back to the negativity and feelings of failure are when I get those stupid BFN's. So I am trying to work on that for now. My only suggestion is to look at each of your stressors and find something that makes it less stressful on you. Like if you notice a certain time of the month that is worse, try knitting or drinking a glass of wine or taking a bubble bath. Something that makes it a bit more relaxing. During AF I like to take a time out and drink some wine. When I am ovulating or near that time, I like to make some hot tea and read a book. I hope this helps a little bit. If you ever need to vent message me and I am here to listen or talk. I am on Facebook too if you want a TTC buddy outside of the forums here, just PM me and I will send you a link.

 

[jen1019]

Hi Butterfly,
First of all, thank you so much for sharing. It takes a lot to bare everything that is going on within your mind and your body. I have not been TTC quite as long as you have, around 6 months or so but even in that short time I have found myself experiencing a lot of ups and downs that I don't normally experience.

Most of the women in my life get pregnant so easily- my sister had three children, and none of them were planned. My other sister got pregnant after two months of TTC, and her second one came along NTNP. I am extremely happy for them, and the other women in my life who have started/completed their families. One of my best friends gave birth the other day and I was estatic for her- but at the same time there was that tinge of jealousy, and that pit in the bottom of my stomach. Thinking, "will that ever be me?"

I truly think that it will be me, and you. But I think that when you see other people obtaining what you want, and struggle yourself that it's hard not to get a bit down. My DH figures, "if it happens, it happens", though I'm putting much more thought into it. I try to remain positive throughout it the best that I can, by BD as often as we can, especially around what I expect is O. Do you track BBT, or CM?

I also am trying to remain as stress-free as possible- being stressed about it makes it harder for our bodies to conceive. So I do what I can to relax. Whatever relaxes you, do as much as you can of it! For me, I have been into pen palling for years, so vegging out on the bed and writing a letter while watching one of my favorite showes relaxes me. That, and taking a relaxing bubble bath. What relaxes you, and makes you feel at peace?

Anyways, I don't know if I was very much help but if you do need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. I would be more than happy to lend an ear. Hang in there!