How to get dad involved?

[faille]

I've been reading through some threads about how some OHs don't seem very interested in the pregnancy and don't seem to understand what we're all going through. So I was wondering if anyone had any ideas or tried anything and it's actually worked to make their OH feel involved?

I sometimes feel like I'm really alone through this (probs just my hormones and the fact that I'm always asleep doesn't make me very good company!) so how have others made it feel as if you're going through pregnancy together? Or is it completely impossible for a guy to believe you're pregnant until he can see the bump??

At the moment, I feel really selfish as everything I say is about how the baby's making me feel, I don't think I've actually asked my OH how he's feeling or if he's worried about anything
And I know everyone keeps asking him how I'm doing, again, I don't think anyone has asked him.. It makes me feel really guilty and wish I could involve him more.

There's a really nice thread about advice for new mums in the post-natal section and I thought it would be nice if we could share ideas on how we can make pregnancy a two-way thing .... afterall, he helped get us here so I want him to enjoy and experience it too!

 

[ajarvis]

Quite honestly for my OH it's not a both of us thing at all. Last time he was nice and supportive that type of thing, but we didn't go through the pregnancy together. Even when I had a bump and baby was moving. He was just all about the baby being born and that was it.

It could just depend on the man though. My brother got involved with his wife's pregnancy as much as he could - even gained weight lol. I just don't think it's something that can be forced.

It works for me cause I'm not someone who wants someone feeling my belly and asking how I feel all the time etc. etc.

 

[captain-ally]

I've tried everything with my HB... Everything I do just makes him less responsive than before. He's going through a phase (hopefully) of being really selfish and all I can do is wait it out and hope he cleans up his act before the baby's born. Sometimes it takes them seeing the baby before it all clicks.

Consider this too - what was his dad like? You should maybe talk to his mom, because if he was around for any sibling pregnancies he might've learned his behaviour from his dad. Or even just how his dad was as a parent. My HB's father was a drug addict that had them moving constantly and would pop back into their lives every now and then, ruin it and leave again. I think that's why he doesn't know how to act like a father. He's never seen how one is supposed to act.

And don't feel guilty. You've got so much stuff to think about right now, I think it's forgiveable that you haven't asked him how he's feeling.

 

[JeffsWife07]

I agree, I think it depends on the man and you can't make him involved if he is not willing to be. My DH has been involved since day 1 (this is the 2nd marriage for both of us). My ex-DH was never involved in my pregnancy with DS this is like a whole new experience for me. I don't know if it's where we are older now or maybe something else but DH has been there from day 1.

He even took a stethascope (sp?) and tried to hear the babies heartbeat. lol

Just tell your DH you want to have this baby together. Get books and show him the development of the baby week by week. Explain to him how you feel.

 

[passengerrach]

i think it depends on the man sometimes they cant really imagine it i dont think because its not their body they cant feel the changes and things we can but my oh is very supportive and equally excited takes time off work 2 come to every appointment even blood tests but i still dont think he realises how real it is maybe try getting him to talk to the baby

 

[faille]

Thanks for the replies.

Don't get me wrong, my OH has been brilliant, I'm not criticising him at all.. I just don't want him to feel left out so I was trying to think of ways that I can try and involve him.

Guess there's not really that much to do at the moment as can't feel baby moving and they can't hear us yet.

He's always there for my appointments and understands if I'm upset or tired etc I just don't want him to feel like this is all going on without him if you know what I mean...

Maybe I should just ask him to tell me when he feels left out and if there's anything I can do to change that. Might be easiest

 

[Dragonfly]

Mine has helped me all the way through as i was very ill in the first trimester but he only really is taking something to do with it now that there is a bump and things happening. I think it takes time for them to sink in whats really happening. They also fret about baby as I didnt think mine cared at the start but he did he was scared of getting into it in case something happened like miscarriage and he wouldnt deal with it to well. So often if they appear not to care they are just detached and as time goes along could be more interested. If he acts like that further on ass kickings will need to be handed out to your man ih think lol

Oh and my other half boyfriend is also pregnant and was trying to steal my thunder by being morning sick and complaining of spd pain! i am serious he has even put on weight and all.

once he feels it moving he will take more interst i think, mine has anyway.

 

[soup]

mine is gonna feel very involved on monday when he has to have blood taken out of him this time! he is great but i think your all right tho, he is forever telling me that when he sees the scan or can see feel something it will all feel more real.

 

[magicvw]

My DH annoyed me loads in my first pg by failing to be half as excited and just not engrossed enough as far as I was concerned. I also felt he really had no idea what i was going through at any stage. I think this is down to a general assumption that I exaggerate things and that I'm always looking for sympathy, which is completely untrue but results in him ignoring my comments.

So I have taken to reading to him from babycentre.co.uk which give you tidbits about baby's development. He seems to really respond well to this, as it must be more believable in his eyes! When I read about me possibly feeling tired because of all the hard work going on in my uterus I think he was genuinely surprised that anything was actually happening inside me!!

I would really recommend it. Books with scientific facts go down well too!

 

[Angel2Fire]

I don't really have any advice, Luckily my OH is great. I do find it difficult to explain how it all feels though, so I try use inallegies (sp?) such as "I feel like I've got a rugby ball in my stomach" and that makes him go "ouch, so thats why your complaining so much!"

Even though my OH is very supportive (we're at one of his friends weddings today and he's been great, coming outside with me for fresh air, putting up with me this morning when I was throwing up) but I still find it difficult because theres no way he can understand exactly what I'm going through.

 

[Arlandria]

Sometimes it's hard for men to grasp the whole idea of pregnancy - after all it comes natuarally to us women. We are the one's who carry the bean and feel all the symptoms...for them its no different. I think it starts to become more 'real' once they've seen the scan.

There is a book i found and bought for my OH - It's called "He's having a baby!" and it explains everything from a mans point of view and with plenty of pictures ;o)

Other ways i try and get involved is every now and again i'll say random things like "Has daddy had a good day at work?" calling him daddy puts a smile on his face, and when we lye in bed i put his hands on my tummy and say "Thats your baby in there!"

I try and ask him if he's ok and how he feels - and we talk about if the baby was a boy how he'd play rugby like his dad or if its a girl how she'll be a daddy's angel...

We talked the other day about how our routine will change once our little bambino is here and i said how nice it'd be for him to come home from work, to a nice clean home, dinner on the table (in a perfect world - reality would be me going bald from stress and looking grey from lack of sleep, his tea would be burnt and the house upside down!! But men are fickle, tell him it'll be perfect and he'll believe you!) a warm smile from his little bundle - then he'll bath baby and tuck them up in bed and that'll be 'his' special time.

Woooooo ive rambled on a little there! But i'd definately have a look at that book if you can get it. It'll all sink in soon hun and when baby is here he'll not be able to take his eyes off them!


Hope this was of help XX

 

[spoo]

This is a very interesting topic. My first pregnancy was perfect, I had absolutely no morning sickness or any other symptoms / problems. My OH was hardly involved as I felt "normal" throughout. With this pregnancy, I am very conscious of all the twinges and pains and my god the morning sickness has been absolutely terrible. I think he can sympathise with me and appreciates how I'm feeling (even though he calls me sickbird now).

He hates hospitals and has the patience of an ox when it comes to waiting around so up until now, I haven't asked him to come to my appointments. However, he is coming to my 21 week scan as I want him to see the little baby growing inside my tummy.

 

[Frankie]

Well with it being our 1st and him living 4 hours away its hard to get him involved!

Ive decided that he can name our baby boy its keeps him involved and gives him something to think about, he texts me most of the time with what he has come up with. He is also helping with the birth plan! i also ask him how his day has been and when he is on night shift i tell talk to my bump and tell him what his dad has been up to