• Welcome back! The Xenforo Cloud migration is now complete. Thank you for your patience! NOTE: please make sure to report any issues to our Technical Support forum and we'll review ASAP.

How to make DH more involved

Momtastic101

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 8, 2015
Messages
93
Reaction score
2
Ttc is making me feel very disconnected and disappointed in my husband, I feel like I'm trying to make a baby alone, he doesn't put in a fraction of the effort I put in. He completely shuts down if Me or my doctor bring up anything that makes him feel as if he's going to be blamed for our fertility issues. I've been tested for everything and all my test came back normal, so now it's his turn but He can't be bothered to take vitamins, and he refuses to get a sperm analysis, which I think is an ego thing. He promised me he would start taking vitamins and in 6 months if we still haven't conceived then he'll do a sperm analysis, but now he's avoiding the subject, and won't take the vitamins. I know he wants kids because he always talks about having a family, and what he will do when we finally have a baby, and what he will name his kids. He loves children, and he gets really disappointed when my period shows up every month. What can I do to get him to open up and be more involved In this journey?
 
I think we all seem to forget how hard this all is for our hubbies. We get so upset when AF arrives and although our men seem to be disappointed as well, there is usually lots of emotions for them below the surface that they don't voice. Like they aren't man enough. It's their fault we aren't pregnant yet, so on so forth.
I think it's very daunting for men to take vitamins and the sperm analysis as its almost like admitting to themselves they aren't man enough to get their wife pregnant. Men are terrible stubborn when it comes to their manhood.
Maybe when he's in a good mood, just sit down with him and ask him how's he's feeling about it all. Ask him to be open and honest as you're both in this together xx
Good luck sweetheart and I hope you both get your sticky BFP very soon xxx
 
My situation was a bit different since I was the issue in our situation, but this is what I did (and dh WAS scheduled for a SA but we conceived that month):

Got the granny weekly Monday through Sunday pill boxes ($1 at Walgreens) for both of us. Gave him zinc, folate, and a multi. I took zinc, folate, and a multi. I had to hand him his every night, but he took them when I took mine. I told him regardless of what the issue is, taking the vitamins can only help improve the chances and not hurt them (and is good for you). I did everything possible to rule out me. My Dr even gave me the sa kit to bring home, all he had to do was drop it off. YOU can even drop it off if he isn't comfortable with it. Compared to what we have to go through, men have it easy. I mean, no one is poking and prodding inside them and shoving balloons and dye up there, so I really think they need to do their part as well. Men can be total buttheads (mine is a total butthead), and sometimes just need to be pushed to get things done.

I'd get the kit, the vitamins, the granny pill reminder boxes, and sit down and lay it all out. Tell him this is for our future family. Keep the vitamins put away so guests don't see them. I never told anyone about what I gave dh to take to improve quality and quantity of his swimmers regardless if he needed the help or not, and I never will. It was never a big deal between us, but no one else's business either.

Good luck.
 
Maybe he feels anxious or guilty about the situation, so that makes him not like talking about it. If that is how he feels, it's also possible that this is why he's avoiding and delaying practical steps he can take- because if he does those things, and it still doesn't work, it will only confirm to him that things aren't working somewhere, and make him feel it's his fault.

I'm sorry if I'm over-psycho-analysing! Of course I don't know your husband's personality. I just know more than one man who reacts to feeling anxious or guilty by ignoring the situation and pretending everything is fine.

Sorry for you that you feel alone and detached :( But it's really possible he feels the same way, and just isn't communicating it. Maybe find a moment when you're both not busy, and have a comfy cuppa and a non-interrogative chat about things. Just speaking based on what I would do!

Hope things work out for you both!
 
There are two approaches. In one of them, I would tell him how I feel disconnected, and how you are equal partners in rearing kids, and that partnership needs to start right now. In fact, vitamins is generally a good idea, does he think that vitamins are only for babies? My DH and I were both taking vitamins way before TTC, it's helpful for building muscles too ;) That's why DH was taking them. Also I'd remind him that having children requires a lot of sacrifice and difficult decisions, it isn't meant to be easy. And neither is TTC, so if he's prepared to make the sacrifices, that also starts now with putting down his ego and getting tested. But make sure this doesn't sound like a lecture and all preachy, it's just the facts. A lot of people go into TTC feeling like it's supposed to be "natural" and "easy" mainly because what they see on TV or something. Once you realize this is what you're "supposed" to do to have the family you want, then it starts feeling like you're doing the right thing, instead of the "embarrassing" thing.

The other approach is just trying to get him to talk about how he really feels instead of shutting down. This is good anyways for your relationship communication. You could use TTC as an example but not necessarily focus on TTC. Like "I'd like you to tell me how you feel instead of shutting down. Like I know you're upset whenever I get my period, it's ok for you to tell me and talk about it. It makes me feel better too."

My DH is pretty cooperative and not a big ego but I still had to tell him that it's ok for him to express frustrations because he thought that talking about it would stress me out. On the contrary I told him, I was already frustrated so I might as well talk about it. I also told him I needed to visibly see him also putting in effort even though I knew inside that he did care. So he just became a little bit more vocal and like tried to plan romantic events around ovulation and stuff and that definitely made it funner and less frustrating. So sometimes men just really need to be told exactly what you need from them and they will pull through.
 
Honestly I think you are putting too much responsibility on your shoulders. You are not in charge of his feelings. What you can do is give him the opportunity to talk about why he is resistant and try not to judge or argue. You can let him know that you are holding up your end of the deal and you feel it isn't fair that he is not either.

After I wasn't having periods or ovulating for 6 months my partner asked what he could do to make sure he had healthy sperm. I researched supplements and did a large Swanson's Vitamins order. I also bought a weekly pill divider for my partner. Every Sunday I dole out his anxiety med, maca, vitamin c, zinc, evening primrose, flaxoil, vitamin D, vitamin E and B complex. He takes it in the morning with breakfast. BTW his SA came out great!
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Members online

No members online now.

Forum statistics

Threads
1,650,189
Messages
27,141,079
Members
255,672
Latest member
mummynugs
Back
Top
monitoring_string = "c48fb0faa520c8dfff8c4deab485d3d2"