hubby issues and ttc advice plz

[ms sunshine]

i love my hubby and he is a nice guy so im not bashing, i know he is in a job he hates and he gets depression some times but refuses to go to the docs. but when we argue he uses what ever we look forward to holiday, christmas as a weapon. we argue more at the weekend as he dreads going to work so he is a total s**t sometimes. so for the last few months he is now using the "i dont want a baby card". it cuts deep. i have 1 son. I had a loss in my early 20's and a cp last year. but i watched his face light up when i got a pos hpt last yr so i know he does want it. Hes 42 and says he doesnt want to be an old dad so if it is going to happen it has to happen soon. he want to plan a holiday and i wont fly pg (i didnt o the last time i flew as i get anxiety so i imagine it wouldnt be good for a baby if i was pg). so he will try for a bit longer (no defination on how long). he wont talk about it he says its putting pressure on him, even though ive said the mans bits easy its my body thats not working. i just feel drained. i dont go on about trying i dont get down when it doesnt work i just keep all that stuff to me and i dont mind i know he hates me talking about opks. i try and keep it natural so it doesnt feel like a chore. i just dont know what to do. cant talk to him. ive told him he needs to stop using what we are looking forawrd to as a weapon its not fair, but he will probably do it again. Im getting him st johns wort, he says he will take that so im hoping it helps. we are currently still trying but i just dont know what to do to make it less pressure, as i dont out any pressure on him as it is. i just dont know how to stop him acting like this. it hurts so much when he says he doesnt want to try so im just so depressed and i struggle to snap out of it. i want to look forward to trying. i dont want my son to be an only child. he has 1 cousin with severe anxiety so she can chat like anything online but wont do anything in person she cant handle it so he doesnt interact with her at the moment (my brother and his wife said at the moment this is best while its building up), I have 2 other brothers, 1 wants to move to USA, and other is older than me with no kids so I want him to have family, and he doesnt get it. He says only childs will make friends, but lets be honest friends are not always as good as family, my family has helped me through some tough times and i want him to have that network. my husbands family have mainly passed away before he was 17 so he has spent most of his life on his own. we have always said we wanted 2 kids i feel he is breaking what we said and im 36 so im not going to be fertile for years to come. as i say right now he want to try but i feel its a step forward 2 back is there another way i should approach this? I cant talk to him about it any more already tried today and now he is upstairs

 

[2ducks]

Wow, this is a really loaded post. First off, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can completely understand why you feel like the clock is ticking and why you want a second baby.

I am sure that your husband is a great guy and I am not bashing him at all. This information makes me wonder does he really want another baby at all??? And if he does not want a baby then he needs to be upfront, honest and frank about it. Not "oh we'll worry about it when we get back from our trip", you deserve a yes or no answer. If the answer is yes than he really needs to look at the facts, you two are not in the prime age demographic for having babies and may need a little help, and that is completely NORMAL. Is he the father of your first child?

St. Johns Wort can help, but if he is having serious clinical depression than he may need some more serious intervention; like anti depressants and counseling. My OH suffers from anxiety and seasonal depression. I felt like most of our free time together he would be stressed about work. I have spent many years trying to hold him up when he is depressed only to end up feeling resentful and angry when it didn't work. I gave up on that and insisted that he go to counseling and get on meds. Things are SO much better between us now. He is way better at dealing with his anxiety and depression and I made the choice not to own his problems. We are both happier and stronger.

Some questions you need to ask yourself: Is this going to take a toll on your marriage? Will you resent him if he does not want more children?

Perhaps you need to prioritize some things first. Ask your husband if he is willing to deal with the depression by getting professional help and say you can put the baby-making on the back burner for 6 months. Maybe dealing with the depression will help change his feelings on having more children. Also, ask your DH and ask yourself, is there anything that you need to work on to improve your relationship? You can't fix your husband's depression but you can work on your own depression and develop your own coping skills.

Good luck with everything. I do hope that things work out for you!

Remember, you can't help him if he is not willing to help himself.

 

[5Miracles]

Hi there!

So much of what 2ducks posted is GREAT information and stuff to think on...and before you'd even think about having another child, he has to get himself right first--it's only fair to all of you.

Also, please don't think anything I write is bashing your hubby either--it's the furthest thing from my mind! I wonder if he is putting pressure on himself to get you pregnant---I can only speak from my experience, but each month's BFN -and he did try and hide this--made my DH cranky as a bear...after months, he finally admitted he felt like a "failure" because he knew we wanted a family. I never looked at either of us as failures, but he had a different point of view. So, I stopped telling him when I tested--just completely cut him out of that--and I think it made him happier, though he didn't want to tell me that because I guess he was worried he'd come across as 'non-supportive'.

As for your vacation, not knowing the whole story--sounds like he could be using that as an escape from what he's feeling and maybe that's why he's getting so touchy about it---something that will only be postponed and not dealt with, which is never a good idea.

I could be waaaaaaay off the mark with this entire reply...I just wanted to show another possible idea...I wish you both all the best!!!

 

[ms sunshine]

Cheers guys some great advice. He does want a kid hes scared if it takes another year or 2 he will have a toddler at 45 and hes worried he wont have the energy. So i think if my body would just hurry up its fine. But i cant imagine life with just one kid. Oh and he is the dad to my first. Maybe i should be happy but i dont want to be 60 with regret. He wont go to a councillor. He went to one a few yrs ago but wont go back. Its hard this is the first time hes agreed tp take something as he refuses to see a dr take herbs so was suprised he agreed to take st johns wort. I think if he was a few years younger tbis wouodnt be an issue. But he hates his job and he hates the town we moved to. Which is my home town so we are going to move in the next few months and he says thats a massive part of why hes depressed. I just hope it helps him. Im just going to try and not mention ttc i dont really anyway. A lot of it is depression rather than him not actually wanting it he always back tracks but ots like a lashing out he does. Just hate the constant going up and down

 

[2ducks]

When you say that you wish your body would "hurry up" what do you mean? How long have you been trying for #2? Not sure what the health care protocols are across the pond but in the USA women 35 and older sometimes start infertility treatments after 6 months of no success.

 

[2ducks]

Another thing I thought of this morning... vitamin D also helps with depression. My partner takes daily anxiety medication and he also takes vitamin D daily. He also takes a multivitamin, maca, 1000mg of vitamin c and folic acid which all support healthy sperm development. I bought him a daily pill organizer at the dollar store and every Sunday I portion out his vitamins/meds for the week AND I set an alarm on his cell phone to prompt him to take his pills every day. It totally enables his laziness but I want to make sure he is getting his vitamins and meds. Perhaps your husband would agree to an arrangement like this? You would probably have to catch him in the right mood to present it because it definitely could be perceived as controlling.

Good luck and please keep us updated!