Hurt, Upset and Don't know who to talk to

[babysimpson]

This may be a question the guys can help me with?

Just lost our 4th baby on Friday and my man has been great but he slipped up big time last night and it really hurts. We had Fantastic Four on the TV and the blonde invisible girl was just trying to control her powers. Anyone who ahs seen the film will know there is a scene where she has to strip off but she becomes visible again and ends up in just her bra and underwear. My man turns round and says (with his two mates there) "Why can her bra not be invisible too?".

It has really hurt me to the core but by the time they left last night I was too exhausted to talk to him about it. When I miscarried the last time he wouldn't come near me at all and I then found out that for over a year he had been watching porn on the internet and getting satisfaction during the time I was travelling from work to home. He never locks the front door only when he's up to that and now he's starting locking the door again

I'm big, I feel huge, ugly, worthless, and a failure. He said the other day that he wouldn't want to look at another woman naked and that he would never look at porn again and hide it from me as he realises that it really hurts and that he is looking at other men's girlfriends/wives etc. He sdaid he would hate it if it was me and other men looking at me but he came out with that comment last night.

I'm not angry with me - I'm angry at myself for looking so ugly. The only way I can lose weight is to go on a really low calorie diet and do a workout to burn double of what I take in.

Guys, please be brutally honest and tell me what should I do? He really loves me in every other way but just not sexually. What can I do to please him until I get super skinny like the girl on Fantastic Four?

 

[babysimpson]

Feel really bad cos my man is wonderful and it's not his fault so please no messages about him being insensitive and to chuck him. I just need advice on how to come to some compromise. I've already told me he can use porn but not to keep it a secret as it makes me feel worse.

 

[Laura2919]

Oh hun, Dont keep it bottled up and talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel or it will eat away at you. I felt like this for a while when OH watched porn but to be honest its common for a man to watch it, who knows why but they do! Most of them anyway!
You can join a group near you like Weight Watchers or Slimming World and tell him you want his support while your doing it. Be focused on the prize and it will happen. Losing a baby is hard and it can tear a couple apart or it can bring them together. It happened to us and we battled on through. Maybe by him not coming near you is his way of coping, we all have weird and wonderful things about us that dont make sense to other people, I guess it makes us who we are.
If you need any help I am about, I do slimming world and have some great recipes please dont hesitate to message me hunni..
Chin up hun, Im sure he loves everything about you but with all thats happened you think he dont...
for you!

 

[Feltzy]

He was probably just saying it to get a laugh out of his mates hun. I'm sorry to hear about everything you've gone through the only thing I can suggest is to talk to him about how you feel. If he knows how upset it makes you then he should stop watching it.

I hope you start to feel better soon

 

[babysimpson]

I've tried Weight Watchers and Slimming World but just cannot enjoy doing it. I know I have the willpower to lose weight and can do it as I lost 2 stone within 3 months and kept it off until I got pregnant again and had to stop exercising due to comlpications. BUT in the meantime I feel like I'm really letting him down but not being the kind of person he's attracted to. We spoken time and time again about it but I still don't feel any better. Have asked him to talk again tonight as I'm so worried about losing him. I've lost 4 of ur children and I don't want to lose im too.

 

[lizzypie]

Hi baby xxxx I dont know waht your going through, all i can tell you is how i dealt with that sort of thing. I felt very badly last year because things werent going that well in my relatioship. Basically it was the porn thing and i thought it was because of me. I think you feel very low right now baby and yoi have a right to be. Your man is insensisitve, but hes obviousky dealing in his way. He loves you coz your beutuful and because of who you are. The more you can talk about things without being highkly emotional(thats the hard bit) is the better.

I truly beleive that things will gert better for you, love yourself, when your reay to, and things will mend. If hes looking at porn its normal, well i think it is lol it doesnt mean he loves you any less. Your going through a really hard time and it makes it seem that way.

I dont profess to be a counsillor or anything, I just wish you well and i hope in time you will feel better about yourself and not feel like its your fault???

 

[babysimpson]

Thing is I allow him to watch it as I know I'm not good enough for him in that area but it's the secrecy that really gets to me. My ex did it and kept it a secret and ended up having an affair and we got divorced. I don't want to go through that all again.

Oh why do I have to be so ugly!!!

 

[Feltzy]

Oh hun I'm sure you're not ugly, your very emotional at the minute I can't begin to imagine how you feel. My OH watches porn sometimes, it took me a while to come to terms with it too but it doesn't bother me so much now.

He probably won't tell you when he's watched it because he's embarassed, not because he loves you any less or doesn't find you attractive. Watching porn doesn't mean he will cheat on you hun, I hope not anyway because I'd be worrying too lol xx

 

[Zipp]

Aw pet, you are so hard on yourself. I'm sure your OH thinks you're gorgeous otherwise he wouldn't be with you to begin with. Unfortunately men seem to have a thing with porn, it 's not connected with not fancying you or wanting to have an affair. To me it does sound like his way of coping with your losses. Defo talk to him about how your are feeling. As for the film thing that remark sounds as if it was for his friends benefit.

Oh and there are plenty of men that aren't into skinny girls.

 

[Feltzy]

Aw pet, you are so hard on yourself. I'm sure your OH thinks you're gorgeous otherwise he wouldn't be with you to begin with. Unfortunately men seem to have a thing with porn, it 's not connected with not fancying you or wanting to have an affair. To me it does sound like his way of coping with your losses. Defo talk to him about how your are feeling. As for the film thing that remark sounds as if it was for his friends benefit.

Oh and there are plenty of men that aren't into skinny girls.

I'll vouch for that because my man is one of them! I'm 2 stone heavier than when we met but he loves curves, a lot of men do.

 

[jenny25]

honey please do not get upset at this i know the comment he made was very hurtful to you and i can say he was probably being a "lad" around his friends you know guys tend to say stuff like that to have a laugh with his friends and he didnt think that it would hurt you men dont understand our feelings when it comes to things like that esp at wrong times my partner and i had lost 2 babies last year in march and aug and it did change us sexually i didnt want to sleep with him yet i didnt want him sort himself because i feel that would disrespect me , i only recently found out on holiday back in june that he did sort himself out when i wasnt in the mood and it did hurt me and now im para because of it and even now we have not had sex not through choice through safety cause their was a little collection of blood around the sac and i didnt want to bleed , i would speak to your partner try and not speak to harshly just bring up what he done in the past and the certain signs and compare it now and then ask him if he is if he is ask him if he can refrain from doing so cause it hurts you if isnt then just appologise because it was like before x

 

[babysimpson]

I just got a text from him saying to stop over analysiing everything but why can't he see that all i want to do is make him happy. Everyone else keeps going on about how their man won't leave them alone and keep getting pestered to jump into bed etc but it's the opposite for us. It's me that has to do the pleading and the asking. I just don't know any more if I'm suitable for anybody. He says he loves curves but it's always the skinny ones he loves watching.

I really shouldn't have started this thread. Sorry

 

[jenny25]

men have a different way of dealing with loss than what we do they try to put a brave face on but they are just hurting just as bad as us , you know when i lost my son 7 years ago 12 weeks after his death me and his dad split up because i pushed him away cause i didnt want to cause him anymore hurt but we did get back together because we loved each other at the time i guess what i needed at the time was space, when he comes home tonight hun sit him down and be honest about how you feel say to him you want him to be totally honest and you will be surprised how it will open up doors for you xxx

 

[Feltzy]

I always have to pester my OH, in fact I was quite p**sed off about it last night so in that respect I know how you feel. I get jealous when friends say their fella's pester them too because I don't get that, ever, but my OH just doesn't have a very high sex drive. I do wish he showed more of an interest though, you're not alone hun! x

 

[midori1999]

I think this is about you and how you feel about yourself and that and the loss of your pregnancies/children is what you need to address, then your relationship with your partner will improve and you will be happier. I would be willing to bet everything I own that if your partner doesn't want sex etc it is about your confidence and not how you look. Confidence is sexy, no matter what size you are or what you look like.

Have you spoken to a counsellor about your losses? Our hospital has a bereavement midwife who can visit/speak to ladies who have either had miscarriages, stillbirths or neonatal losses. Maybe your hospital has the same? Otherwise, perhaps your GP can point you in the right direction.

Dieting/losing weight is dreadfully hard. It is even harder if you're already feeling bad about yourself. But, if you can start losing weight it spirals, that first lb off makes you feel better about yourself, and the more you lose the better you feel. Not just because you're losing weight and so look different, but because you have also managed to do it. Obviously exercise will make you feel better too, physically and mentally, and in fact for that reason exercise is available 'on prescription' as a treatment for depression.

I really don't think the porn, or the comment your partner madeis the issue here, it's how you feel about yourself. If you could somehow get your confidence back you would be able to laugh those comments off.

 

[babysimpson]

Midori, I've never had confidence. I've always been compared to my cousins etc and had people always say why I couldn't look more like them. I've had conselling for depression after I got caught self-harming during my time at uni (was very drunk at the time and had called a work colleague) but I hated it as it made me feel worse. I felt terrible for going and had to stop. I went on St. John's Wort instead but gave up as I was determined to help myself without relying on drugs or others which I did.

I've always been a sexual person but was too shy to let it show and I still feel really embarrassed about it. I guess it's because people painted a picture of me being miss goody goody and I just let them think that. I use to be a size 14 but my ex said I was too fat and wouldn't come near me so I got comfort from food. When he wanted me he always got me to turn away from him and he would say out loud what kind of woman he was thinking about. i didn't think any other man would want me so I stuck with him and put up with it all until he asks for a divorce. Food was the only thing that couldn't hurt me and say something nasty.

In order for me to feel more confident I need to feel wanted. I need to be carassed, touched and held in order to start feeling sexy. I know I'm being really stupid but I've always wanted to please whoever I'm with. I've only been with two partners and try to give them exactly what they ask for. If I do a good job then he'll boast about how great his woman is (not to other men I hope) which will give me more confidence in knowing that I can please him.

As for the exercise I'm not afraid to do it but just now I'm not allowed and it's really having an effect. I'm not a fit person by far but if I don't get exercise I get depressed easily. I don't need drugs etc, I just need to get back on my feet.

I've told my man how I'm feeling and why it hurts so much and I will show him this thread. He is a great guy and I just feel he deserves the best of everything and I want to be the one to give that. Is that so bad? Is it really bad of me to crave sexual attention? I'm not wanting attention from other men. I hate that and get way too shy about compliments etc. I also had a guy attempt to rape me when I was 17 but I managed to stop him and instead he held me down while relieving himself in my mouth. I just want my man's full attention. It makes me feel really guilty to crave sexual attention but it's who I am. I've tried to suppress it but it justs drives me crazy. Am i weird?

Please somebody out there tell me I not wrong in wanting that and wanting to make my wonderful fiance as happy as he could be in all ways. I live my life to make others happy no matter what the effect is on me. I feel bad and guilty if I hurt others or if people are angry, annoyed or have bad feelings towards me. I can cope with the miscarriages but I could not cope with being rejected by my man. If I can't have children then I can adopt and help some poor helpless child who has been abandoned. I've already considered that an option and it's always been on my mind even before I was going with anybody.

I hope this makes sense adn that I haven't annoyed any of you

 

[Bittersweet]

im like you hunnie iv suffered multiple miscarriages. This time round is broken me and my oh and hes moved home for a bit.
I think your man is just needing a little bit of space to get his head around what happpened. I know you say you need to be touched etc to feel sexy but it seems to me that he just needs some space. I really do understand where your coming from but i do really think you need to take a step back from him and let him breathe a little bit, as smothering him will make him push you further away.
I was a size 6 when me and oh got together, but pregnancy and other things im now a size 12 little more curvy and he loves it. He also watches porn-the blonde skinny size 0 types-and often comments on skinny girls. but i know thta thats all really just for pretence and that it is actually me he loves.

i hope i make sense and dont wana offend you or anything. your fear of losing him means you wana make him closer to you when it seems to me that hes repelling not because he doesnt love you but because he feels smothered by it all.
x

 

[babysimpson]

It's hard to explain as I'm embarrassed by it all but we're only sexually active with each other once every month or 2 months (maybe a little more when he's really in the mood and desperate). The miscarriage just means that I can't be sexually active for a while which makes things worse. I fear that he doesn't want me because of the lack of activity but I know he's more than happy to sort himself out because when he admitted he was, it was happening every 2 days not every 2 months (. That's why I feel so hurt by his comment last night and why I've no confidence in myself. I crave to be more active with him but he doesn't want to. He says being active with me is harder as I need to be "warmed up" first but with porn it's an instant thrill so he doesn't have to do anything. I envy the girls he watches because they can get him worked up in seconds and I can't

Maybe I am just being overly selfish and should just let him get on with it. It's partly his fault too though. It's not my fault if what he does makes me feel sexy and makes me want it more than once a month.

 

[marley2580]

It sounds to me like you are reliant on other people to make you feel good about yourself. That's not healthy. I really think that you need to work on your self esteem and confidence because you should feel good about yourself in general, not because you're good in bed etc.

 

[pinkish_angel]

Bless you hun. You are being extremely hard on yourself. I cant even imagine to begin to understand what you are going through, losing 4 children but I do know that its going to effect your self esteem, confidence and make you feel pretty awful I assume that your man just feels awkward. Its gonna be hard on him too and Im sure he loves you lots and lots and no way does he find you 'ugly'. If you are not feeling sexually attractive, you dont want to partake in sexual contact so maybe he is aware of your feelings about yourself and doesnt try anymore as he does understand that you have been through a lot.. Im certain that he still finds you sexually attractive.. just the whole situation has put a halt on ur activity. Maybe it hurts that he watches porn but babe, its better that he pleasures himself, rather than goes out and gets his needs from elsewhere. If he didnt love/want you etc Im sure he woulda. Open and honest is what you both need to be with each other. Its been a hard time for you both. Under no circumstance see his little comments as a reflection on you.