I am often embarrassed how I react to my young kids: Am I alone?

Discussion in 'Toddler & Pre-School' started by babytobe, Jun 14, 2019 at 5:57 AM.

  1. babytobe

    babytobe Well-Known Member

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    I need a safe place to be honest... please don't shame me. I just need to know I'm not alone, and I need to get these thoughts out so I can move on in a positive way.

    I have 3 children. One 5 year old, one 3 year old, and a newborn. We are doing ok, BUT...
    I often react badly to the two older kids when things aren't going the way I want them to go. When my husband or other people are around, I definitely tame myself more, but when I'm just with my kids all day at home (or wherever), I tend to loose my crap more. And I feel SO GUILTY about it. It's almost enough to give me anxiety about it. I love my children to death, and once they are in bed, I feel TERRIBLE about some of the things I said or how I reacted during the day. It's not every day, but it does happen often. And I swear to myself I won't do it again the next day, but eventually I do again...

    I always wonder if it is just me? I think in general, my kids are doing ok and I think I'm doing an ok job parenting over all, but I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit how immature I act with these precious little human beings sometimes. For example, sometimes I get so frustrated that I will mimick their whining or tantrums, or swear under my breath (and sometimes they may hear the swear words a bit), or just sort of throw a tantrum myself. Sometimes I think, if someone played a video of all my bad parenting moments, the authorities would take my children away!

    I also say things that would just make them feel guilty, like it's their fault that mom is so grumpy and tired, and if only they would listen and do things the way I want, then mommy wouldn't have to loose her crap...
    Obviously, I know this is WRONG> I know it's ok to show some frustration with kids, but I'm aware intellectually that I should not be reacting this way to my kids. And when I do react in the wrong ways, it totally doesn't help!
    Usually I am reacting when I'm overtired, or I've set my expectations too high or have picked the totally wrong moments to want something a specific way (I'm learning that it helps to pick your battles at the appropriate time).

    Anyway, the guilt. I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm the only mom who is actually the worst mom behind closed doors. I know my kids know I love them, and we all come together after we've had "freak outs" at each other and make sure we're all ok, and we talk about how we can do better next time, but for goodness sake I NEED TO DO BETTER> I am the parent! I'm the one who should be steady and teach the kids how to not react.

    I'm glad I go that out there. I just worry that I am ruining my kids sometimes. I hope they don't remember me as such an angry, emotional mom. My mom was so patient with me and I don't remember her freaking out like I do. I know all the right things to do moving forward... I just need to DO THEM! Like taking deep breaths before I react, giving myself a time out if I need it, sympathizing with their feelings but sticking to boundaries, etc. I just need to "practice what I preach". I just feel embarrassed. I didn't even swear before I had kids! Now I swear... a lot! Mostly under my breath, but the bad energy is still there. I just never saw myself becoming so unhinged. I really love my kids a lot.

    Thanks for reading if you got this far. I hope I'm not alone. The guilt is eating at me.
     
    #1 babytobe, Jun 14, 2019 at 5:57 AM
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2019 at 6:07 AM
  2. Witchrose

    Witchrose Well-Known Member

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    You're definitely not alone. It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. I think nowadays too many parents worry about being some kind of mythical, perfect parent. Let go of that expectation. :) You're human. You're going to have good days and bad. After a bad day, maybe reflect on how you could try to handle it differently another time. But don't beat yourself up about it. It's life.

    One thing that makes me feel better is after a bad day with my son, I always tell him that tomorrow is another day. Maybe he misbehaved today, but tomorrow he can be better. Maybe today I lost my temper. But tomorrow I can try not to. And so it goes.
     
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  3. babytobe

    babytobe Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your reply, Witchrose. That's exactly what I needed to hear. ❤ After I posted this last night I felt a lot of guilt released. I am human just like every other mom, and we have our good and bad days. Reflecting on them and choosing to learn from the harder days and move on in a positive way is the best I can do. Walking around feeling guilty and fretting that I'm not the perfect parent isn't going to help anyone! Thanks for the well-rounded perspective.
     
  4. OnErth&InHvn

    OnErth&InHvn Waiting on Bee

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    Nope, not alone. You're doing a good job. Take it 1 moment at a time every day!
     
  5. BabyGirl999

    BabyGirl999 Harry's mummy!

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    You are not alone. I feel exactly the same. I feel like I am always yelling and shouting, I try so hard to be a chilled mum but it is so hard. I love them SO MUCH but they are hard work (aged 8, 6 and 2). I also feel constant guilt, even tho they have regular park visits, go to pool, cuddles, I read them stories, we visit their friends, we play in garden on bikes, make buns, etc, etc, etc!

    The guilt is awful!!!

    I also think we put our mums on a pedestal, I remember her being kind and patient with us, yet she I not overly tolerant of bad behaviour with my kids!!! Possibly we have rose tinted glasses!

    All I can say is give yourself a break. It is hard. It really is. Just try to enjoy. But I agree with you and I am glad I am not alone!!
     
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  6. keepinitreal1

    keepinitreal1 1st time mom

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    You are not alone. I felt like I was reading something I wrote, to be honest. Too often I find myself guilt tripping my youngest and of course, he’s way to young to understand what I’m doing so it’s not only completely pointless but also leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I sometimes cry when I watch him sleep and I think that as horrible as that sounds, those are the moments that make me realize I need to do differently tomorrow - and I really try.

    You’re a good mom! Only a good mom would know that she can always do better. please be kind to yourself!
     
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  7. babytobe

    babytobe Well-Known Member

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    My sister and I were just talking today about how we totally remember our mom being so patient, but in reality she did have her meltdown moments too! And my mom is the same with my kids.... way less patient and tolerant of their bad behavior. I guess that's encouraging that I remember my mom for the patient person she was most of the time, and I've mainly forgotten her "bad" moments.

    Today was a much better day. Thanks for your encouragement and understanding.
     
  8. babytobe

    babytobe Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your reply! It's good to know I'm not alone. It was so good to talk to my sister today. She doesn't have kids yet, but she was saying all her friends with kids say the same thing about feeling guilty and how hard parenting can be. She was so encouraging and reminded me that my kids are doing well and they know they're loved and feel safe with us.

    I hope we can both move forward with more patience with our kids, but you're right...let's be kind to ourselves! Dwelling on the guilt won't help. Thanks again.
     
  9. DobbyForever

    DobbyForever First Time Momma

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    You are not alone, but turn it in to a teachable moment. I sometimes lose my s* with my students because I’m exhausted at home mentally and emotionally. So I can be super blunt or rude sometimes. I model the same reflection I ask them to do when they break a school rule: identify what the unexpected (we don’t say bad) choice was, what triggered me to do it, and what I should have done/will do next time I have that trigger. But you actiallly have to work on it. I don’t teach empty apologies in my class.

    You sound exhausted and overwhelmed. What are you doing to take care of your stress? You’re snapping for a reason. You can’t take care of your kids without taking care of you first. Can you get a break?

    I will be honest, as a teacher this concerns me.
    1. If you modify your behavior in front of people, that’s a clear indication you know what you are doing is not okay. So you need to stop doing it.

    2. Everyone slips up, but telling your kids they are the source of your unhappiness and fatigue (even if you don’t say it all the time) can really mess up a young child’s mind. You are teaching them to accept abuse and undermining their confidence, which will lead to major problems later in life.

    I’m not trying to mom shame you. And you are definitely not alone. But just because other people do it doesn’t make it ok.
     
  10. claire_leaf

    claire_leaf Member

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    Please don't be hard on yourself.

    Have you ever thought about the rage and anger you are experiencing were the only way to make yourself heard? The fact you recognize you have some behavior patterns you to want to change means you are making great progress toward freedom from the behavior. I felt uneasy around kids for most of my life, yet I wanted to have kids. Now I have a son, love him - and still find myself uneasy around kids when I'm upset and/or tired.
     
  11. _Meep_

    _Meep_ Well-Known Member

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    You just described me.

    I always worry my neighbours can hear me if and when I shout. They must think I am awful. :(

    I have anxiety (admittedly it is better these days) and tend to get overloaded/overwhelmed when there is whining or fighting going on, and then I snap.

    I disgust myself with my anger/the things I say sometimes.

    My kids are doing fine and of course it is not like this all the time, but on a bad day I am truly a piece of shit.

    Doesn't help that I am tired and stressed and my OH doesn't really help with the kids at all.

    I try to pretend I have a social worker sitting on the sofa and that helps but some days there is nothing I can do to control myself and then I end up crying come night time when they are in bed and I wonder why I have to be such a bitch.

    You are not alone.
     

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