I need a safe place to be honest... please don't shame me. I just need to know I'm not alone, and I need to get these thoughts out so I can move on in a positive way. I have 3 children. One 5 year old, one 3 year old, and a newborn. We are doing ok, BUT... I often react badly to the two older kids when things aren't going the way I want them to go. When my husband or other people are around, I definitely tame myself more, but when I'm just with my kids all day at home (or wherever), I tend to loose my crap more. And I feel SO GUILTY about it. It's almost enough to give me anxiety about it. I love my children to death, and once they are in bed, I feel TERRIBLE about some of the things I said or how I reacted during the day. It's not every day, but it does happen often. And I swear to myself I won't do it again the next day, but eventually I do again... I always wonder if it is just me? I think in general, my kids are doing ok and I think I'm doing an ok job parenting over all, but I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit how immature I act with these precious little human beings sometimes. For example, sometimes I get so frustrated that I will mimick their whining or tantrums, or swear under my breath (and sometimes they may hear the swear words a bit), or just sort of throw a tantrum myself. Sometimes I think, if someone played a video of all my bad parenting moments, the authorities would take my children away! I also say things that would just make them feel guilty, like it's their fault that mom is so grumpy and tired, and if only they would listen and do things the way I want, then mommy wouldn't have to loose her crap... Obviously, I know this is WRONG> I know it's ok to show some frustration with kids, but I'm aware intellectually that I should not be reacting this way to my kids. And when I do react in the wrong ways, it totally doesn't help! Usually I am reacting when I'm overtired, or I've set my expectations too high or have picked the totally wrong moments to want something a specific way (I'm learning that it helps to pick your battles at the appropriate time). Anyway, the guilt. I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm the only mom who is actually the worst mom behind closed doors. I know my kids know I love them, and we all come together after we've had "freak outs" at each other and make sure we're all ok, and we talk about how we can do better next time, but for goodness sake I NEED TO DO BETTER> I am the parent! I'm the one who should be steady and teach the kids how to not react. I'm glad I go that out there. I just worry that I am ruining my kids sometimes. I hope they don't remember me as such an angry, emotional mom. My mom was so patient with me and I don't remember her freaking out like I do. I know all the right things to do moving forward... I just need to DO THEM! Like taking deep breaths before I react, giving myself a time out if I need it, sympathizing with their feelings but sticking to boundaries, etc. I just need to "practice what I preach". I just feel embarrassed. I didn't even swear before I had kids! Now I swear... a lot! Mostly under my breath, but the bad energy is still there. I just never saw myself becoming so unhinged. I really love my kids a lot. Thanks for reading if you got this far. I hope I'm not alone. The guilt is eating at me.