I can't remember the last time I laughed or enjoyed myself

[itsnowmyturn]

So my little boy is now 17 days old, he was 9 days late and I hated every minute of my pregnancy. I didn't particularly enjoy my first pregnancy but everything felt worse this time.
I had to switch from my usual night shifts onto day shifts because my boss wouldn't let me do nights, I was isolated at work because I had to be moved from my usual post due to the unpredictability and potentially violent nature of my job and to avoid working somewhere with people I didn't no I took on admin work instead which meant sitting by myself in an office for the majority of the time so I was lone working from the time I told me boss to the time I went on mat leave.
I started with spd at 15 weeks and although it eased a bit once my boy moved up and out of my pelvis it got extremely bad towards the end of my pregnancy and the more simple of movements were very painful.
I had a lot of bump pain throughout my pregnancy and I suffered with a lot of the general pregnancy complaints but it all felt worse this time round.
My daughter is now 2 years and 10 months and she was going through a tough time with some changes such as needing to take the side off her cot due to her climbing out, nap times getting shorter and waking times getting earlier and various other things your typical 2 year old goes through but she struggled with some of them because her temper gets the better of her.

Anyway I'm rambling. Over the last few days I've realised that the way I have been feeling isn't necessarily normal.
I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything, I have no enjoyment in anything and I can't remember the last time I properly laughed and had a good time. I have little appetite and even when I feel hungry I have no desire to eat. I am easily agitated and irritated and find myself getting annoyed at my daughter and partner over such stupid things.
In hindsight I've been feeling like this since about half way through my pregnancy and the first time I thought something wasn't quite right was when I was aroubd 24 weeks and on holiday, I realised I had no interest in doing anything on holiday. However I sort of brushed it off and although it stayed in the back of my mind i guess i buried my head in the sand and put it down to me not enjoying the pregnancy and hoped it would go away after I had had my son.

Well as u can probably guess it hasn't! And here I am with the realisation that I may be suffering with postnatal depression, and that I was probably suffering during my pregnancy as well. I haven't spoken to anyone about it, I'm not very good at talking to people and I don't even no how to start the conversation. I am planning on speaking to the health visitor when she visits again in a week or so but I don't even no how to bring it up.

I'm at a complete loss, even working in mental health myself, I don't no what to do with this.

Anyone got any advice on some self help so I can see if I can improve things over the next week before my health visitor comes

 

[red_head]

I didn’t want to read and not say anything - I don’t have children so can’t relate on that level, but I also work in mental health (so I expect like you - great at helping with other people’s peoblems but not so great with my own!) and I’ve also suffered from quite severe depression.
It’s a massive step that you’ve recognised what’s happening and have admitted it - that’s really the hardest part, as often it’s so all consuming, you’re drowning without realising. I would really recommend talking to your doctor about it, as they will be the best person to help you.
For me, I found that all the drugs and counselling wasn’t for me, I found walking/jogging a few miles a day in the woods was the only thing that broke the void for me. I know that’s easier said than done, especially with two children, but I’m sure that there is something you can find that will energise you - I think for me it was working towards a goal (I wanted to get a bit fitter) and having something that was just for me to aim for, helped. Don’t put any pressure on yourself, take things one day at a time, and try and recognise that you’re doing so good, even if you aren’t feeling it.
I know all of this is easier said than done. I’m not good at talking about this stuff either - unless it’s work - I seem to have a ‘work head’ that I put on! If you don’t want to talk about it with your health visitor face to face, could you request her work email and explain it there? Sometimes it’s easier that way. But remember that this is something she will deal with all the time, so don’t be worried.
X

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Thanks for your reply.
Your right I'm great at giving advice and helping others but terrible at helping myself.

Although I've recognised that things aren't quite right I still feel like if I speak to anyone about it that they will tell me it's just normal baby blues and I will feel ridiculous and feel like I've made a mountain out of a molehill. I also don't really want anything on my record with the Dr.

I haven't even told my partner the way I'm feeling. He goes back to work tomorrow and I sort of feel that once he does and I can start getting into a routine that things will get better but deep down I do believe I'm just kidding myself like i was during my pregnancy

 

[red_head]

I don’t think there is such a thing as normal baby blues - I don’t mean that in a bad way, just in so much as it’s never something to be dismissed or belittled. And I would imagine if you did reach out and tell someone, they’d be more likely to offer support than try and brush it aside. Is there a friend or family member you could speak to about things? It might be helpful to try and think of how they could help you - whether that’s popping round a couple times a week to make you a cup of tea, or babysitting for an hour so you can have some time to yourself.
There are some really good charities around like MIND (I think) who can offer informal support without going through your GP.
You aren’t being ridiculous. You’ve been going through this on your own for a really long time, and even talking about it in here is a really big, brave step. If it was a physical pain, that you’d been having for this long, imagine how your response may differ. Your mental health is just as important.
My sister in law suffered with quite severe but high functioning post natal depression - she did a lot of mindfulness which really helped and you can do videos online from YouTube. She ended up going to a silent weekend retreat which really helped her, so maybe you could try some of that too?

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Unfortunately no there's no-one, just me and my partner around here, we have people we know but no one we would consider friends as such and our families are all a 90 minutes drive away. Plus at the moment I much prefer my own company to that of anyone else and I don't have much interest in having general conversations with anyone. The problem is I no that no one will notice these things unless I speak up because I am very good at putting on a front and although I don't do it deliberately it automatically happens whenever I am around anyone and if anyone asks 'how are you the words 'yeah I'm fine thanks' automatically roll out of my mouth. The midwife discharged us a little early because everything was ok with our baby and she said everything was perfect with me because I just get on with things.

I'm already looking forward to getting back to work, not because I want to be away from my boy, but because I want life to feel normal again.

Thankfully my body is starting to feel normal again and the spd is feeling much better and the uterus cramps have stopped.

I think part of the problem as well is that before k got pregnant I want on a diet and lost 32lb and was starting to feel a bit better about my body image but during this pregnancy I literally couldn't stop eating, whether k was hungry or not I just ate and ate. I gained 52lb!! I was heartbroken every time I stepped on the scales, with my daughter I only gained 27lb and all of that was gone within 3 weeks (but obviously I wasn't as toned as before etc). Although I have already lost 25lb and I no it will keep coming off for now and my tummy is looking sort of like it was pre pregnancy I feel like i worked so hard to get where I was before I was pregnant and now I have to do it again and deal with the extra stretch marks. I didn't get any until 32 weeks with the first but obviously these stretched much quicker because it was the old ones stretching out further. And although I get quite small bumps I found it much harder this time dealing with the changes in my body than before.

I feel like all of the stuff u read online is aimed at first time mum's and feel like it's not expected of second time mum's to feel like this because we should no what to expect.

I can't blame it on a bad birth, I had a 3 and half hour labour, I got to the hospital an hour before my baby was born and I was only pushing for 12 minutes, unfortunately my partner did miss it because we were waiting for my mum to get there to look after our daughter but in all honesty it was that quick that I didn't have time to miss him being there lol (plus I soiled myself in labour which i found humiliating and I wouldn't have wanted him to see that!!) The lovely midwife let him and my daughter in afterwards while we waited for my mum to get there so they were both the first to spend any time with our boy.

I feel like nothing justifies the way I feel

 

[red_head]

You just made a human. That is honestly epic stuff, and justifies anything! The fact you have lost a ton on weight is a massive achievement - it’s so hard to recognise how well you’ve done when you’re really focused on where you want to get to, but you have already done amazing, and you put weight on because you were pregnant - that’s very allowed! I know it’s really hard, but try and look at all the stuff you have done, as it’s seriously impressive, and focus on that for a little bit, rather than where you want to go. You made a human, you have carried it around, gave birth on your own (which is warrior level stuff!), lost an insane amount of weight, kept a new born alive, continued being a parent to your two year old, that’s all pretty huge stuff, especially when you aren’t feeling 100%. And you don’t need justification for how you are feeling. You’ve been through one of the most hormonal, chemical balancey (!) things possible, and depression is literally that - you’ve got a bit out of balance and it will take time to right itself. But it will. You’ll be okay; you are okay - you’re doing great! X

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Thanks.
U sound so much like me, that's all stuff I would be saying to someone if the shoe was on the other foot!! I do no deep down that simply surviving at the moment is ok, I mean I don't feel at all guilty that I have only left the house twice since he was born and he has only left the house once!! Trying to feed both children at different times and fit in a toddlers nap is hard enough without adding in a trip out!! The next 2 days will test us though, first days by ourselves and daughter has a 10am hospital appointment tomorrow and son has a 930am hospital appointment Tuesday, I sense chaos for those two mornings and tiredness and irritability for the rest of the day.

 

[red_head]

It’s ridiculous isn’t it - if only we could take our own advice!!
Just take things an hour at a time, if your husband has to help out and be late for work, that’s not the end of the world. Honestly just getting changed out of pjs is a huge achievement after giving birth I hear! You really wil do fine, and make sure you look back on Wednesday and really congratulate yourself for getting there in one piece!

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Most days I didn't get out of my pjs lol I get the kids dressed but usually not me.
Back home from my trip out today and going to change ds nappy and then get back into my pjs, it's so much easier to feed him in my pjs rather than messing around with my tops. Didn't have a great night with him so I'm quite tired today and it's the first day of just me him and dd so my patience isn't the best and I'm trying not to take it out on my daughter, I feel bad for her and wonder how much I'm messing her up with all of this

 

[red_head]

Well you’re over halfway through your first day - and have smashed it so far! Made it to the appointment, baby is fed and changed, everyone is in one piece! Your daughter will be fine - I was a little older when my sister came along, and the only stuff I can remember is meeting her at the hospital, and being jealous of the wallpaper in her room. Having a short temper for a little while isn’t going to do any harm, and I have a feeling you’ll probably compensate for it anyway! Put some Disney on the tv and relax until your other half gets home!

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Thanks. I will let u no what the health visitor says next week.
Your support is much appreciated

 

[red_head]

No worries - anytime! X

 

[itsnowmyturn]

So the health visitor is due tomorrow, I'm still trying to figure out how to bring it up, I'm hoping that she asks me some questions outright and doesn't just say how are u because that's when I usually say yeah everything is fine, I will have to fight all of my natural instincts if she does that to actually mention it.

 

[red_head]

Could you write a list of questions you have, and squish it in the middle somewhere and then hand her the list? You could write something like ‘feeling a bit flat’ or something? And then use that as a starting point? Just try and be open and honest as that’s the best way to get through this x

 

[itsnowmyturn]

She was just about to leave and she asked me if there's anything I wanted to ask so I just told her, she spoke to me a bit and made some suggestions. She's coming out again next week. She did that pnd questionnaire and took that back with her, I guess she will talk about that when she comes back next week. I will wait to see what she says next week and then think about discussing it with my partner, if she says it's not pnd and just need some support and to get out and about I will probably just not mention it to him but will see what she says.
I do want to start getting my daughter to some stay and play sessions so she has other children to play with, she goes to nursery 2 days a week but other than that she doesn't get any time playing with other kids and spends all of her time with us, I feel bad for her. It's just so difficult to get out of the house with 2 kids, it feels so chaotic and I don't feel like my patience is good enough to do it because I end up getting angry at my daughter for silly little things and then I feel bad for telling her off and it makes her more defiant.

Will see what happens next week with the hv

 

[red_head]

That was really brave! Do you feel better for having opened up? It’s so good that you did as now you can start getting support in place for you.
Do you think it’s worth discussing with your partner even if it’s not pnd? I just think that if mine was feeling down, or out of sorts, I’d really want him to share it with me - unless they know somethings going on then they can’t help, and often it can lead to more problems as they can feel something isn’t quite right, but don’t know what, which leads to guessing - never a good thing! Even if he could watch the kids for an hour or two on the weekend so you can get away for a little while, or maybe take a couple mornings off work so you can have some one on one time with your daughter or trial a play session while he watches your baby?
Honestly you are doing so well - opening up to the HV was such a big brave step - make sure you acknowledge that!

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Wouldn't say I feel better, I sort of felt a bit daft and felt like k was making a big deal out of nothing.

Would rather avoid mentioning it to my oh if I don't have to because he really doesn't get mental health, it's just something he can't wrap his head around, like he doesn't get it.

I've been making sure I get out of my pjs every day, figure that it might help to have a routine of things to do.
Going to force myself to go out tomorrow, I keep finding excuses to not to out like it's too cold or I'm too tired so tomorrow I'm going to do a couple of errands and then I will wall to get my daughter from nursery in the evening.

Thursday I have to go out because I have a physio appointment for my pelvis.

My oh works a half day on Fridays so I'm trying to make it a regular thing I go and do things by myself even though it is usually only shopping of some sort it's still time by myself without the stress of children and I can just be in my own bubble

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Today has been a tough day. I've had 3 busy days Wednesday Thursday and Friday and my pelvis has been hurting and I felt exhausted by the end of the day and today my daughter has been a spawn of satan!! I think today has been the first day I've properly regretted our decision to have another, don't get me wrong I don't regret having my son and it's not because of him, I don't no if I regret having 2 children in general or having 2 children with this age gap or even what it is I regret. I think I've realised that it isn't my baby it's affecting my bond with its my daughter and that makes me feel awful because she is my baby girl and I love her to pieces, but right now I don't like her much. I've done everything I can today to give her attention because our boy has had a lovely chilled out day so I've painted with her and made stuff with her, played catch with her and her dad has played other games with her.
Started off bad this morning with her trashing her room and climbing onto the changing table and squirting baby lotion over the room, then she has this really annoying habit of screaming at us and saying no in this really irritating voice that she knows winds us up so.obviously she's been doing that loads today. Then she refused to have her nap, then she screamed when it got to bedtime. Every time we had to stop doing stuff with her because we had to do food or go to the toilet etc she would start being naughty and doing stuff she knew would get her in to trouble.
I know it's just attention seeking on her behalf and it must be tough on her suddenly having to share the attention but she doesn't seem to mind having a baby brother and if I'm honest this behaviour isn't new off her, we were just slightly better able to deal with it before.

Anyway I feel completely frazzled today and feel like I could fall apart. Feel like I just want to cry. I never thought the phrase 'I just wanted to scream' was actually when people wanted to just sit and scream but in all honesty I did just want to scream today. I feel like i have no control over my life.

Even worse, I feel like every parent feels like this so me labelling myself as something other than a stressed out mum is viewed as me looking for attention.

I feel so lost today

 

[MrsButterfly]

How are you feeling now? My second is nearly 6months but I still have a lot of days where I feel overwhelmed. I saw my gp 2 weeks ago as I was concerned my mood was too low and she prescribed me anti depressants. Still deciding whether to take them... but wanted you to know you’re not alone. Having a second child is very difficult and can absolutely exhaust and drain you. Hope you’re having a good day x

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Hi thanks for your reply.
If I'm completely honest most days I don't no how I feel, I don't ever really feel happy as such I just feel that I've coped with the day a bit better but my emotions are still a bit numb really.
It's weird, I no I've had a semi decent day when I don't think about having a shower (I don't know why), on Monday it was ok and when I got into bed I realised I hadn't showered that day whereas usually just lately I constantly think about showering and will spend ages on the shower when I get one. I have always been an every other day showerer so thinking about showering all day and wanting to shower so much is definitely out of the ordinary for me, sometimes I feel really dirty even only a few hours after I've showered.

Last time I spoke to my health visitor she asked how I felt about the baby and I explained that with both of them I have felt that I didn't feel that so called rush of love and it's felt gradual. However I do look at my baby and not sure I do feel much for him, obviously he's my baby and I feel protective over him and I love it when he smiles at me but Im not sure I feel that huge parental love and bond.

I have been getting out more to get Sophie to play areas and such but that's more to give me a break from her attention seeking, sort of giving me time away from her without being away from her and also showing her that she doesn't need more attention from us.
I'm just waiting for all this to get better, her new thing is wetting herself and proudly telling us she has done so just to get told off or get some attention in some way. We Didn't used to tell her off for it but we started to when it was obvious she knew she needed a wee but wouldn't go even when I've said do u need a wee, now when she says she's wet herself I just say ok and then sort her out and then send her on her way.

I have a telephone appointment with a postnatal depression service mid December and they sent me a questionnaire and I only realise I'm not 'better' or 'ok' when I read the questionnaire and answer it.

I don't want to go to my gp because I don't want it on my health records, I don't want that stigma of every time I go to the Drs for something about me or the kids and have them thinking it's all about mental health, the kid isn't ill it's just the mum's mental health thing. I declined help from one service because they are run by the same trust I work for, although it wouldn't be the same people I work with I don't want any records about me being accessible from a system my colleagues work with on a daily basis. I no I have limited my options a bit but I don't think I feel comfortable with that.

I still feel very alone, I don't have any friends and there's no one really that socialises at the play groups I take her to.

Looking forward to going to do some keeping in touch days at work, will feel a bit like normality.

Not sure if I have to tell work or not? I don't no if it's something that occupational health will need to be told about