I can't take this anymore!!

[MrsC10]

This may sound totally selfish, but I need to rant to someone.

My mother has always been over powering. She's always 'there'. I don't get a moment to breathe. She's always 'where you going?' The minute I move and if I have an opinion on something she MUST agree with me. It's been going on for years. It's suffocating.

Well, today I have taken the day off work as I was up all night feeling I'll and just needed some sleep. I work beside my dad so he gets to know when I'm off too. Well, of course he's told my mum and I get a text first thing about how I should try this and that for morning sickness to 'settle my tummy'. I get this every time I'm off sick. Even before I was pregnant. 'Are you ok?, do you need anything? What's wrong? Do you want me to come round and look after you?'.

I've put up with this all my life and have just always kept quiet about it, but I can't anymore. It's driving me insane!
I know people will say that she's just concerned and looking,out for me, but I've really had enough! After 29 years I just want some space to breathe.
If I say anything, I know I'll just get the guilt trip about how I don't love her and how I've never liked her.

Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!

 

[mum140381]

hugs hun i am sure she means well xxx

 

[babytots]

Hugs hun no words of advise but I can understand you wanting some breathing space. Could you perhaps get away for a few days a little holiday or something to allow you some space? x

 

[MrsC10]

Thanks ladies. If we were to get away, we would need to text when we got there. Like the MINUTE we got there. If we didn't and switched off our phones, she'd call wherever we are. If we didn't tell her where we were going, I'd get a lecture when we got back about how I don't trust her or love her because I keep trying to distance myself from her x

 

[spunky84]

I do think she means well, but I know that it has to be absolutely suffocating. Especially being an independent, married adult. You and your husband need your space, you need your space, without having mom constantly behind you or prying.

I don't know if it's possible, and I know she would go through the whole "you don't love me" speech, but it sounds like some boundaries really need to be set, especially before LO is born. If there are no boundaries at this point, it sounds like there will be bigger issues after LO is born which may put you in the position of making decision for your family that you don't want to make her happy.

It may be hard, and she may be upset and hurt, but it sounds like it would be healthy for everyone. She may need some time to be okay, but it'll hopefully all work out.

I know it's not an appealing idea to have to set boundaries, but I really think until you and your husband set boundaries, it'll probably be a lifelong struggle. I'm not saying you have to do this or you have to do it now, but I really think that would help in the long run, even if it meant things were difficult for a little while.

Whichever road you choose, though, I hope things turn out for you. I know this has to be absolutely frustrating for you

 

[MrsC10]

Thanks spunky. I completely agree with you. Boundaries do have to be set, but it's just the hassle of going through it all. My DH has said that we need to have this conversation, but the last time I tried to say what I thought to her, she stormed out of our house (I was living at home at the time) because I didn't love her and I was putting her through all of this because I hated her. The last time I put my foot down was before our wedding (5years ago) because I said that she wasn't getting her own car. Her reply? 'But I'm the mother of the bride!'. Apparently I was doing it because, again, i didn't like her and I didn't want her to enjoy the day. She has depression (and has done for. Long time now) and uses this as a back up grenade when things aren't going her way.

I totally agree though. The conversation needs to be had, but is it good for me to get even more stressed by going through what will be into more than it should be? X

 

[spunky84]

Could you write her a letter explaining how you feel (while still making you tell her how much you love her in the process)?

I had a lot of issues with my dad over the years, and it really built up when I was pregnant with DD. He also struggled (still does some) with depression and an addiction. There were a lot of issues, including boundary issues.

When I was 35 weeks pregnant, he called me to basically eff off and that he never wanted to see me again. After I cooled down for a couple of weeks, I mailed him a letter. I basically laid out all of the issues I had and why. I listed what I expected of him as my father and a grandfather. I told him I wanted him to be in DD's life (whether I was or not), but if I ever found out he was still having addiction issues, that was it because I didn't want DD involved in that.

I also told him how much I loved him and that I wanted things to work out.

It was, perhaps, one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. My dad visited us at the hospital, and things were a little awkward, but a year and a half later, our relationship is so much better. As hard as that letter was to write, it was the best thing I could have done. My dad still slips up with his boundaries now and then (not the addiction though!), but I've seen so many amazing changes in him.

So, basically my point is that it may be the hardest thing you're going to have to do, but it could also be the best thing you could do. It took me years to do it because it is a very hard thing to have to get into. It's very emotionally draining.

I think if I had tried talking to my dad in person, it probably would have ended similarly to your mom storming out of the house. It probably would have been the same scenario. In these situations, a letter really might be the best way to go.

And yeah, it's going to be super stressful. It may be hard for months afterwards. But hopefully, by the time LO is here, she'll have had time to work through things. I don't know if she sees a therapist, but I do know my dad took my letter to his therapist. In time, he was able to work through it.

It will be stressful, but you'll also have your husband. If things get too stressful during that time, maybe he can take over some other things that might help reduce your stress. It might even be an option to talk to your doctor or even a therapist yourself to kind of help you navigate these waters.

I'm wishing you the best of luck! It's hard, but hang in there!

 

[HappiestMom]

oh hun,.....you NEED to have that convo and fast lol....my family is the same way....we have to call them when we head that way (3 hr drive)...we have to call when we get home.....its getting to be too much..and sometimes honestly I just dont call and I resent them..Im 28...Im the most responsible and mature of all the kids and grandkids..and yet Im the one treated like Im 5..why..because I never put a stop to it...if this is your first kid..you need to make sure you set boundaries NOW!..otherwise you are up for this when baby gets here..and trust me that is definitely not when you want to be smothered and pestered and all that...yeah..she might guilt you but she is just being manipulative...she needs to learn that you are an adult and she needs to move on....it will be better in the long run I promise...atleast for your stress levels..she might storm out and get mad or whatever but dont play into it because you just give her control again...trying to be nice and stuff is one thing but constant smothering is another...

 

[MrsC10]

oh hun,.....you NEED to have that convo and fast lol....my family is the same way....we have to call them when we head that way (3 hr drive)...we have to call when we get home.....its getting to be too much..and sometimes honestly I just dont call and I resent them..Im 28...Im the most responsible and mature of all the kids and grandkids..and yet Im the one treated like Im 5..why..because I never put a stop to it...if this is your first kid..you need to make sure you set boundaries NOW!..otherwise you are up for this when baby gets here..and trust me that is definitely not when you want to be smothered and pestered and all that...yeah..she might guilt you but she is just being manipulative...she needs to learn that you are an adult and she needs to move on....it will be better in the long run I promise...atleast for your stress levels..she might storm out and get mad or whatever but dont play into it because you just give her control again...trying to be nice and stuff is one thing but constant smothering is another...

This sounds all too familiar.

I'm just in from a rehearsal (I'm a musician) which both my parents are involved in. We got there just in time for it starting so I didn't have to talk to her and left straight away before anyone could say anything at the end. I get home to find a text waiting on me asking if I'm ok and why we left so soon. OH told me not to answer. So what happens? She gets my dad to friggin phone!!

I'm thinking about maybe speaking to my sister about all of this. She'll help me out I think. We're pretty close (but have our moments like all siblings) and I think speaking to her about it all would really help. It'll give me a clear way forward I think. I just need to figure out when to meet her without my mum finding out. She lives three doors away from my mum and dad and my mum is never away for the place xx

 

[MrsC10]

Could you write her a letter explaining how you feel (while still making you tell her how much you love her in the process)?

I had a lot of issues with my dad over the years, and it really built up when I was pregnant with DD. He also struggled (still does some) with depression and an addiction. There were a lot of issues, including boundary issues.

When I was 35 weeks pregnant, he called me to basically eff off and that he never wanted to see me again. After I cooled down for a couple of weeks, I mailed him a letter. I basically laid out all of the issues I had and why. I listed what I expected of him as my father and a grandfather. I told him I wanted him to be in DD's life (whether I was or not), but if I ever found out he was still having addiction issues, that was it because I didn't want DD involved in that.

I also told him how much I loved him and that I wanted things to work out.

It was, perhaps, one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. My dad visited us at the hospital, and things were a little awkward, but a year and a half later, our relationship is so much better. As hard as that letter was to write, it was the best thing I could have done. My dad still slips up with his boundaries now and then (not the addiction though!), but I've seen so many amazing changes in him.

So, basically my point is that it may be the hardest thing you're going to have to do, but it could also be the best thing you could do. It took me years to do it because it is a very hard thing to have to get into. It's very emotionally draining.

I think if I had tried talking to my dad in person, it probably would have ended similarly to your mom storming out of the house. It probably would have been the same scenario. In these situations, a letter really might be the best way to go.

And yeah, it's going to be super stressful. It may be hard for months afterwards. But hopefully, by the time LO is here, she'll have had time to work through things. I don't know if she sees a therapist, but I do know my dad took my letter to his therapist. In time, he was able to work through it.

It will be stressful, but you'll also have your husband. If things get too stressful during that time, maybe he can take over some other things that might help reduce your stress. It might even be an option to talk to your doctor or even a therapist yourself to kind of help you navigate these waters.

I'm wishing you the best of luck! It's hard, but hang in there!

Thanks spunky. Great advice and something I'll take on board and really consider as an option. I'm not very good at verbal communication. I tend to work better when I get to write everything down and think about what I want to say. I have a tendency to say things the wrong way without meaning to so a letter is a great option for me xx

 

[MamaLoCo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be exhausting.

Depression runs in my family too and my mom can be clingy at times. You seem to have done a better job of dealing with it than I have. I haven't always handled it the best.

Are you the baby of your family? It's just my older sister and myself so I still get treated like a baby all the time.

Just know that...no matter how gently you let her know how this makes you feel, she's going to have a pity party and it'll just have to run its course. Things get worse before they get better.

I'd opt for a face to face conversation. Let her know how much you appreciate knowing that she cares and has your back. Remind her that your husband is there for you now so she's allowed to take a break from mothering you...not that she has to stop...just that someone else is there to help now so she can get a day off! There's always away to put a positive spin on things.

 

[MrsC10]

I am the youngest. Like you, there's is only my sister and myself.

I've already told her that my DH is there if I need anything. My auntie has tried sticking up for me too but she just won't listen x

 

[snuffleupagus]

This story sounds awfully familiar to me...

Maybe when you're not feeling well, tell her that what you really need is SLEEP with no disturbances, but that YOU will call HER later when you feel better or if you need anything.

What I've found helps with my mother is to be proactive on little things. If I call or text her to check in or tell her funny little things that have happened in my pregnancy so far, she feels included and it buys me some time before she starts blowing up my phone.

I know how you feel, the more she pushes the less I want to share, but that just makes things worse.

 

[HappiestMom]

does she do the same to your sister? if not I would sit down and ask her why she thinks she needs to have so much input and control and presence in your life....explain that you are an adult now...and while you do still love her and appreciate all she has done for you...and while you do value her opinion to some extent..that you need her to take a step back and let you have your own life without her being in it 24/7...mine are in another state so its not that bad but I did eventually just stop answering all the time..my mom used to call me a few times a day..just to talk..and to see how we were doing..and I finally just said we are fine..I always let you know if someone isnt ok and I dont need a constant check in..and I stopped answering the phone every day..its still every 2-3 days but thats alot better than ever 2-3 hours lol...you will be amazed at how much relief you feel when you dont think you have to answer the phone a billion times a day.....feelings might get hurt but you shouldnt have to sacrifice your happiness and be stressed all the time just to not be on a guilt trip...especially pregnant!

 

[MrsC10]

What I've found helps with my mother is to be proactive on little things. If I call or text her to check in or tell her funny little things that have happened in my pregnancy so far, she feels included and it buys me some time before she starts blowing up my phone.
QUOTE]

Thanks hun, but I've tried this tactic. She takes this as her getting the go ahead to constantly text, call and come round. Like, all of a sudden she has free reign to do what she wants...and she really takes advantage of it!

 

[MrsC10]

does she do the same to your sister? if not I would sit down and ask her why she thinks she needs to have so much input and control and presence in your life....explain that you are an adult now...and while you do still love her and appreciate all she has done for you...and while you do value her opinion to some extent..that you need her to take a step back and let you have your own life without her being in it 24/7...mine are in another state so its not that bad but I did eventually just stop answering all the time..my mom used to call me a few times a day..just to talk..and to see how we were doing..and I finally just said we are fine..I always let you know if someone isnt ok and I dont need a constant check in..and I stopped answering the phone every day..its still every 2-3 days but thats alot better than ever 2-3 hours lol...you will be amazed at how much relief you feel when you dont think you have to answer the phone a billion times a day.....feelings might get hurt but you shouldnt have to sacrifice your happiness and be stressed all the time just to not be on a guilt trip...especially pregnant!

She is like this with my sister, but my sister loves it! She loves the attention and the constant checking in on her. My sister and my mum are very alike in this way. It's like they need to feel accepted.
I'm the complete opposite. I like my own space and to do things in my own time and on my own terms. My OH is exactly the same.
I have a cousin the same as me. He can go weeks without speaking to his parents and they don't bat an eyelid....because that's just him!! I'd be the same if I could. It's not that I care less, it's just that I need less 'babysitting' than my older sister.

I've tried explaining this to her before. I've tried telling her that I'm 29 and married and don't need the constant attention, but she just won't listen!! She just laughs at me or gets stroppy and tells me that she just does it because she cares. And I've no doubt that this is the reason. But it doesn't work for me. I can't live like that!!

I work beside my dad. We're both engineers and I can see his desk from where I sit (he's not there just now). We're very close and I don't normally have any issues with my dad.
I didn't even have my jacket off or my computer switched on this morning and he was over asking me if I was OK. I gave him short answers and he asked if I was going to be grumpy all day. I said yes and he walked away.
I really can't handle this. I'm going to have to say something to him today. We normally have a cup of tea in the morning together (in the next ten minutes or so), so I'll need to bring it up then.

Thanks for all your advice so far ladies. I really appreciate it...and it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has to put up with this xx

 

[MrsC10]

I've had a word with my dad over a cup of tea. At first he just tried to laugh it off and say that it was just the way she was. When he saw how annoyed and stressed out about it though, he agreed to have a word with her. Whether he does or not and whether it changes things remains to be seen.
If it doesn't get any better though, I'll be forced to say something to her.

 

[MamaBunny2]

I can relate. I'm the youngest of three. I was a surprise aka an "oopsie". My brother (passed away last year) and sister are much older, like old enough to be my parents and have a different father. I'm my dad's only child (he passed away in 2009). I would talk to my mom and see her ALL the time. I loved spending time with her but as I got older and more independent and mature it got to be overbearing. She would tell me how I should do things such as dishes or laundry, what brand products I should buy and use, what I should be doing around the house, how I should be raising my kids, etc. When she was over visiting she would do all my dishes and laundry, which was nice at times but made me feel bad or like I was using her. My mom is much older and retired and I know she wants to feel needed but there needed to be boundaries. She isn't like that with my sister and wasn't with my brother. She always helps each of us when she can but with me it's above and beyond. My sister and I talked about it. My mom and I have had periods where we wouldn't speak to each other for months and since I've become pregnant I recently reconnected with her hoping to establish a healthy relationship. It sounds like you are regularly involved in activities (work and music) that include your parents in some way so that has got to make it difficult to have some privacy and space. I would definitely suggest speaking to your mom regarding your concerns. If she dismisses them then there's really nothing you can do short of ignoring her at times. I told my mom that I want and need her in my life, but I am an adult and wish to be given that respect and treated as such. Being straightforward about your feelings with her as well as implementing the space (like not answering all texts or calls) may help, or you could always look into counseling with her to hopefully get her to see from a non-biased third party how she is treating you and the effect it has? Good luck!

 

[DaisyAnne]

Well, it's always hurtful when someone you love wants you to be less involved in your life than you'd like to be- whether it's right or wrong. Could you try starting with one small request- picking one boundary to work on then see how that goes? Like, instead of trying to have her change all at once, ask for something more attainable... maybe set aside a special family day for you and your hubby each week (which would eventually also be with baby), and say that you'd like to have this be your day where you just want time together without interruptions. Or say between 6 and 7 it's your dinner hour, so ask your family to avoid texting or calling during this time each day, so you can have uninterrupted dinner time (and turn ringers/phones off).

My brother and sister-in-law do this on Sundays. If we are making plans, they often ask if we could make the plans for Friday or Saturday so they can have their family day at home. We all know that Sundays are reserved for them. They will come to birthday gatherings and such sometimes on Sundays, but for the most part they do their own family thing. They have 3 kids at this point and are always running around busy, and they like to have that time where they don't have too many plans/interruptions.
For me as a SAHM, I have Mondays reserved where I do not make plans with people, and when they ask to do something on a Monday, I just tell them that I have Mondays reserved for errands and meal-planning. Also, during the first hour every day when my son is napping, I tell people that I do not answer the phone or texts. It's my "me" time. It works pretty well.

Anyways, just thinking some small request like that would go further than a general request in the beginning to establish some attainable/tangible boundary. Good luck!

 

[MrsC10]

I'm not wantin her to change. I'm just wanting her to back off a bit and give me (and us) some space. Hopefully the chat my dad is going to have with her will help out a bit. If not, I'll seriously consider all the ideas that have been given. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your help on this xx