I feel like I'm not cut out for being a proper mum

[emyandpotato]

Everyone I know says two is so easy. That their house is always clean and tea is always on the table by 5. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I find it really tough. I love being a mum and adore my children but I just feel like I can't cope with two. Felix is now four months and is the same, if not worse, as when he was a newborn. He wants to eat all of the time (which is an issue in itself as I am STILL struggling a bit with BF issues), he's fussy, he can entertain about half an hour on his play mat or with me playing with him or massaging him, but I feel like he's a ticking time bomb as he seems pretty on edge. He is never happy unless he's eating. He won't sleep unless he's latched on. I am exhausted. Going out is a nightmare as he screams if he isn't feeding. I feed him in the carrier but this means making him lower than he should be and after a while it's agony for my back, not to mention I simply don't like having my boobs out all of the time! I never have time for house work and struggle to cook or spend enough time with Rory. I want to take Rory out but Felix is just so difficult. He doesn't sleep in either the sling or the pram. I can't get a break as he won't sleep for OH and just gets really cranky even if I give OH a bottle of EBM. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him. I've been told he doesn't seem like he has reflux. Everyone keeps saying it's a wonder week or growth spurt or teething but it has been relentlessly like this since his birth. I just want to run away and hide for a week. Does anyone else feel like this?

 

[MamaLoCo]

LOL!!! I'm SO sorry but I didn't even make it to the third sentence because I can't even say that with ONE!

edit: with that said, you are not failing or doing anything wrong. A lot of moms just say that to hide the crazy. For all you know, they could be letting their babies cry while they fix tea. I've even known moms to lie about formula feeding so they don't actually have to struggle with a breastfeeding schedule. My baby refused to nurse so I have to pump my milk out and supplement with formula so the fact that I have to pump in addition to feeding her takes up a lot of time. I don't even know what I would do without my husband. He makes dinner half the time.

 

[jodilee6]

Hugs

2 IS hard, there isn't much difference between our kids ages and I never have a clean house or have tea on the table by 5. Infact I still need to go to the shop to actually buy tonight's tea but don't have the energy to go!

We're not BF but have had issues with reflux and have recently had a diagnosis of CMPI, changing DS2 milk has solved that but unfortunately he's still a catnapper and will not sleep longer than 40 minutes day or night unless being held so I feel your pain.

I have no patience for DS1 and shout at him for the stupidest of things, he also watches FAR too much tele but it's the only way I can physically cope with the 2 of them. I just keep telling myself that this will eventually pass and look forward to bedtime every night, even if I only get 40 mins before DS2 wants to be held...

I can't help with the feeding as we never made it past 8 weeks, have you tried LLL or similar, they might have advice?

Other than that, hang in there mama

 

[emyandpotato]

Thank you, knowing it's not just me makes me feel better! Yes I've spoken to loads of BFPSs but so far no luck. TBH I could deal with the pain if it wasn't for everything else on top!

 

[jodilee6]

I take my hat off to you for continuing so long with the BF if it's constant and hurting, I'd perserve with the bottles if I were you

At the end of the day we're only human and need a break as well, I honestly think I'd loose it if I didn't have DH helping out

 

[_Meep_]

I only have one (a toddler now) and I rarely feel like I know what I'm doing or like I've got anything productive done. My house is also a state and LO is lucky to be fed anything more interesting than fish fingers, potatoes and veg of an evening!

We struggled with breastfeeding for at least 6 months.

Has your son been checked for all types of tongue tie at all, including posterior? Just wondered, as he seems to be feeding a lot - if he is finding it hard to extract the heavier, fattier milk from the breast, he may not stay full for very long.

Babies absolutely can put on weight, thrive, etc. with a tongue tie. Mine certainly did. She also went the opposite way to yours, at some points refusing to feed at all while awake for weeks at a time. It was a very difficult time for us both.

That being said, all is well now, apart from the fact that she is so relentlessly busy that I've given up trying to maintain any semblance of an ordered home.

It must be very hard with two. But you can do it. These days, I'm feeling less and less like I want to run and hide and I'm sure as your new son grows, things will get better.

 

[emyandpotato]

I only have one (a toddler now) and I rarely feel like I know what I'm doing or like I've got anything productive done. My house is also a state and LO is lucky to be fed anything more interesting than fish fingers, potatoes and veg of evening!

We struggled with breastfeeding for at least 6 months.

Has your son been checked for all types of tongue tie at all, including posterior? Just wondered, as he seems to be feeding a lot - if he is finding it hard to extract the heavier, fattier milk from the breast, he may not stay full for very long.

Babies absolutely can put on weight, thrive, etc. with a tongue tie. Mine certainly did. She also went the opposite way to yours, at some points refusing to feed at all while awake for weeks at a time. It was a very difficult time for us both.

That being said, all is well now, apart from the fact that she is so relentlessly busy that I've given up trying to maintain any semblance of an ordered home.

It must be very hard with two. But you can do it. These days, I'm feeling less and less like I want to run and hide and I'm sure as your new son grows, things will get better.

Thank you! No he hasn't actually. I will ask about that.

 

[emyandpotato]

I take my hat off to you for continuing so long with the BF if it's constant and hurting, I'd perserve with the bottles if I were you

At the end of the day we're only human and need a break as well, I honestly think I'd loose it if I didn't have DH helping out

I feel like I can't bottle feed him now as BF is the only thing that comforts him and helps him sleep. I'd feel awful taking that away.

 

[mummytobe_93]

Everyone I know says two is so easy. That their house is always clean and tea is always on the table by 5. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I find it really tough. I love being a mum and adore my children but I just feel like I can't cope with two. Felix is now four months and is the same, if not worse, as when he was a newborn. He wants to eat all of the time (which is an issue in itself as I am STILL struggling a bit with BF issues), he's fussy, he can entertain about half an hour on his play mat or with me playing with him or massaging him, but I feel like he's a ticking time bomb as he seems pretty on edge. He is never happy unless he's eating. He won't sleep unless he's latched on. I am exhausted. Going out is a nightmare as he screams if he isn't feeding. I feed him in the carrier but this means making him lower than he should be and after a while it's agony for my back, not to mention I simply don't like having my boobs out all of the time! I never have time for house work and struggle to cook or spend enough time with Rory. I want to take Rory out but Felix is just so difficult. He doesn't sleep in either the sling or the pram. I can't get a break as he won't sleep for OH and just gets really cranky even if I give OH a bottle of EBM. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him. I've been told he doesn't seem like he has reflux. Everyone keeps saying it's a wonder week or growth spurt or teething but it has been relentlessly like this since his birth. I just want to run away and hide for a week. Does anyone else feel like this?

I promise you are not the only one that feels like this and it will eventually get better. He's still very young eventually he will be able to entertain himself better and won't need feeding 24:7.
Have you got any family support?
Also it must be hard being in 24/7. I have 2, a 20 month age gap and when I'm in all day it drives me insane. And my daughter is worse behaved when we are at home so I have to get out even if it's just s car ride or a walk around the shops.
Have u looked at play groups ? Toddler can go and play and you can sit and feed baby and talk to other mums?
Or a breastfeeding support group to help with any issues you do have?
Have you tried baby with a bottle to see if anyone can watch baby for a few hours whilst you have some quality time with your toddler?
Xx

 

[_Meep_]

Please do, as they can cause monumental problems! If a tie isn't immediately obvious close to the tip of his tongue, he could still have one further back under his mucous membrane that is invisible to the eye but can by felt by someone who knows what to look for. Finding someone who knows about posterior tie is crucial. A good IBCLC should know.

Sorry, I'm like the Posterior Tie Police - it's just that it goes undiagnosed so often and so many mums and babies suffer needlessly, often losing their breastfeeding relationship when they don't have to.

LO had hers identified at 4 months and snipped at 4.5, and it took a while, but we're good now and still going. But for the first six months of her life, I genuinely wanted to kill myself at times.

 

[KatieB]

Let me tell you that it always stuns me when people say having two is easier than one! I found the first year bloody hard on so many levels -sleep deprivation, constant feeding, guilt over not spending enough time with Louis, never having any time for me, house a tip (still working on that with a 4 and soon-to-be 3 year old!).

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have changed my situation for the world but Alex wasn't an easygoing baby and was terrible to take out, hated the buggy until about 6 months when he tolerated it now and then, disliked the carrier after being in it for about 10 mins, cried a lot. He started getting a bit of a sunnier disposition around 6 months when he was crawling and when he was 11 months and walking he just kind of switched to being a lot less cranky. He seemed to be frustrated lol! Being mobile meant he played more with Louis too. He is still very full on but is also a very loving little boy and full of cheek and personality plus! It does get easier although I know how much it irritated the shit out of me when people said that to me. Sending you big hugs, you are doing amazingly xxx

 

[emyandpotato]

Everyone I know says two is so easy. That their house is always clean and tea is always on the table by 5. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I find it really tough. I love being a mum and adore my children but I just feel like I can't cope with two. Felix is now four months and is the same, if not worse, as when he was a newborn. He wants to eat all of the time (which is an issue in itself as I am STILL struggling a bit with BF issues), he's fussy, he can entertain about half an hour on his play mat or with me playing with him or massaging him, but I feel like he's a ticking time bomb as he seems pretty on edge. He is never happy unless he's eating. He won't sleep unless he's latched on. I am exhausted. Going out is a nightmare as he screams if he isn't feeding. I feed him in the carrier but this means making him lower than he should be and after a while it's agony for my back, not to mention I simply don't like having my boobs out all of the time! I never have time for house work and struggle to cook or spend enough time with Rory. I want to take Rory out but Felix is just so difficult. He doesn't sleep in either the sling or the pram. I can't get a break as he won't sleep for OH and just gets really cranky even if I give OH a bottle of EBM. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him. I've been told he doesn't seem like he has reflux. Everyone keeps saying it's a wonder week or growth spurt or teething but it has been relentlessly like this since his birth. I just want to run away and hide for a week. Does anyone else feel like this?

I promise you are not the only one that feels like this and it will eventually get better. He's still very young eventually he will be able to entertain himself better and won't need feeding 24:7.
Have you got any family support?
Also it must be hard being in 24/7. I have 2, a 20 month age gap and when I'm in all day it drives me insane. And my daughter is worse behaved when we are at home so I have to get out even if it's just s car ride or a walk around the shops.
Have u looked at play groups ? Toddler can go and play and you can sit and feed baby and talk to other mums?
Or a breastfeeding support group to help with any issues you do have?
Have you tried baby with a bottle to see if anyone can watch baby for a few hours whilst you have some quality time with your toddler?
Xx

No family support. Well, actually I have the in laws who take the eldest out (though very much on their terms which can be more of a hinderance than a help at times!), but my mum unfortunately is on the other side of the country so I don't see her much, and MIL doesn't offer to help with the baby and TBH I'm not sure she could as even OH struggles with him alone.

I do go out, I have groups on Wednesday and Thursday, both of which are run by the local BF support service so at least I feel relatively normal sat there feeding him for the entire time. But going to town or to a museum or even to the park with Rory is just such a chore at the moment because I have to have the carrier on with my boobs out the entire time which is uncomfortable and limits my mobility as I can't bend down wearing it and makes me very self conscious!

Yes, he takes a bottle, but he won't settle to sleep unless he's being BF during the nap and so gets very upset and overtired with anyone other than me. I do get like 2 hours of sleep on weekend mornings when OH takes him with a bottle but that's about as long as Felix will go without me.

 

[Bebedeux]

DS sounds exact like your Felix when he was a that age. He literally never stopped crying fed constantly and you could not put him down as he would literally go puce and lose the will to live. The older he got the better he got he's still really hungry I found the jumperoo was the best thing for him as he could entertain himself. He was always bored and frustrated.
I now have 2 and that's a no on planet nope is dinner on the table at 5. My DH works away and is home 6 days a month. My mom has dementia and my sisters either have there own families and they work away and my inlaws don't help.
It is hard it's really feckin hard don't let anyone tell you it isn't.

I make it my business to get out once a day as DS is a little stinker and gets really naughty if we're in all day. I literally stalk the library and bookstore and the park. It breaks the day. Also my DS used to feckin howl in the buggy (still does the little stinker)
Also go to your GP and tell them how your feeling talking to an third party is the best thing for you. Exhaustion makes every situation ten times worse.

 

[donnarobinson]

I found going from 1-2 hard work. Ino it's annoying but it does get easier before you no it they'll be playing together and you'll get some time . Defo get toungue tie checked my son had one they found at birth he had it cut and was much better X

 

[AngelofTroy]

I second getting checked for tongue tie, Micah had tongue and lip ties and was exactly as you mention. He struggled with weight too but I know that's not always the case. I don't believe anyone finds 2 easy though, I'm struggling massively and I'm only 12 weeks pregnant with #2! Micah had watched more tv in the last 6 weeks than in his previous 3 years!

 

[londonangel]

Oh dear, that sounds frustrating. My youngest isn't cranky but until she started on solids she fed every two hours for months which was a bit annoying when out and trying to keep eldest entertained. Four months is very little and just ignore folk who have the tea all ready for 5pm etc. Personally I think that is too early for tea anyway.

My house is always a tip when hubby gets home as girls untidy it once big one is back from school, while I make the tea and they have only just finished eating when he gets home at quarter to seven. I feed mine at 6.15pm as I go back to work in February and mostly won't be home until 6pm by the time I've collected big one from after school club and little one from nursery!

If you still feel down after reading all our comments about how normal this is, do see your GP as there is always the possibility that you are experiencing post-natal depression.

 

[Button#]

My 2nd is relatively easy going and I definitely don't have tea on the table for 5 and I'm not on top of my housework at all. And that's with one in pre school 4 days a week! Having 2 is tough and 4 months is a really rough time. It's started to get a bit better at six months as at least we can eat meals together.

If the tongue tie isn't an issue push to be referred for reflux and to check for cmpi. My friend had to fight a bit for it but her little boy improved once they started him on meds and she went dairy free.

 

[minties]

It IS hard with two, especially when the 2nd one is under 9 months, I most certainly never have a spotless house or find things super easy. It is much, much better now that they are both older, but we still have bad days and I still spend 90% of my day cleaning, getting frustrated, referring arguments, wiping crayon off everything and sometimes get to the point of tears.

Your baby sounds like a tricky one, don't beat yourself up. Thomas was much like this and it was a shock, Sophie was a bit easier and took a dummy so I found that helpful. Thomas wanted to be on the boob 24/7.

 

[Eleanor ace]

My 1st was an easy baby. In the first few months I could put him in his swing and he'd doze while I tidied, plus I didn't have another child running around making a massive mess. My 2nd, not so much. She was high needs, she was never happy and neither was I for a while! Having someone who is near constantly unhappy attached to you 24/7 is never going to be a great mood lifter! It got better though and honestly having 2 became easier than having 1 as they entertain each other. My 3rd is an easy baby and my house is relatively tidy, dinner ready for when DH gets home from work, kids dressed in actual clothes before lunchtime , it is just down to the fact that LO is easy going, its luck of the draw.
When DD1 was a baby I found my slow cooker a life saver as she was most content early in the morning and I could prepare stuff in 2 minute bursts and by 9am it'd be cooking and it saved my sanity having a meal ready at the end of the day. If you don't have one I recommend it!

 

[izzlesnizzle]

It amazes me how people say 1-2 is easier than 0-1, no way. It's way harder! When you have the one yes it's a shock to the system but you've only got them to focus on. When you've got two it's way more demanding when they're both crying at the same time or you're feeding and the older one suddenly announces they need a poo and you have to stop what you're doing and the baby starts screaming. Or they're both poorly with colds and rubbing snot all over you while the baby spews up all over himself and you, and the toddler has pooed in her pants and is crying. Or you're trying to get baby down for a nap and the toddlers pestering you going on about fixing a toy or demanding snacks or has accidentally pressed the remote control and has gone off CBeebies onto the news channel and is having a hissy fit because of it and won't give you any time to settle the baby! Sometimes i feel like I'm going mad. I'm like a rabbit in the headlights like is this for real? Like really for real? Shall I laugh or cry? Because I feel like I'm slowly going insane here! So you're not alone!