I feel like

Discussion in 'General Chatter' started by Twinkle Toes, Oct 23, 2008.

  1. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    S**T. :(

    Can I have a :hug:

    Anyone got any jokes etc to cheer me up?

    ****UPDATE******

    I have now split my sides
     
  2. baby.love

    baby.love Guest

    Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

    "A cat!" said Suzy.

    "Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

    "A dog!" said Ricky.

    "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

    The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

    "A horny *******!" called out Eddie.
     
  3. mmommy22bbe

    mmommy22bbe Pregnant

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    So this man walks into a pub and takes a seat at the bar.



    Man: "I’ll have a Bud Light." he tells the bartender.

    Bartender: "Okay. What`s his name?"

    Man: "What`s what`s name?"

    Bartender: "Your penis."

    Man: "Woah, buddy--"

    Bartender: "Oh God. Take a look around."

    The man does.

    Bartender: "You`ve just entered a gay bar. I`ll leave you while you think of a name."


    After ten minutes of pondering, with no ideas, the man decides to ask the man to his right what the name of his is.

    "I call mine Timex, because it takes a licking, and keeps on ticking."

    Petrified, the man turns to his left to ask another man the name of his.

    "I call mine Ford, because it`s like a rock. Have you driven a Ford lately."

    Quietly, the man focuses his attention on getting his Bud Light as the bartender approaches.



    Bartender: "Have you come up with anything yet?

    Man: "I`ll call mine secret. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
     
  4. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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  5. Elli21

    Elli21 Well-Known Member

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    Twinkle Toes :hugs::hugs:
    Whats pink and fluffy ??


    .
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    Pink fluff :smug:


    Like it baby.love :rofl:
     
  6. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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  7. Elli21

    Elli21 Well-Known Member

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    i dont "get" jokes too often..im the one sitting and starring for ages trying to figure it out..when everyone else has forgotten about it, i laugh out loud and then they're are like "wtf u laughing at"..."your joke..:blush: just got it". GOOFBALL :rofl:
     
  8. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    :rofl: that was funny in itself I can see you doing it! :rofl:
     
  9. Sparklebaby

    Sparklebaby Mummy to Jenny

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    A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.


    The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

    After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

    A salt shaker,
    A shot of Baileys,
    A shot of lime juice.

    The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

    First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
    Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.'

    So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

    He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

    He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,
    Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.

    Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

    In one second the sharp lime taste hits....

    At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....

    At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
    consistency hits.....

    At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

    This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

    When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'

    She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.' :rofl:
     
  10. tootsy1987

    tootsy1987 Abbi and Alfie - My World

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    ha ha sparklebaby i like that one!!
     
  11. Sparklebaby

    Sparklebaby Mummy to Jenny

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    :hug: for my bestest buddy xxxxxxx :hugs:
     
  12. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

    The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

    "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ff***************gg ttthingggg offffff?"
     
  13. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

    A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

    He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

    The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

    The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

    "Pepper", she replies
     
  14. NickyT75

    NickyT75 RIP Sophie my angel

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    :hug: to the original poster for this thread :)

    :rofl: its really made me chuckle thanx guys :D xx
     
  15. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    Your welcome I felt horrid this morning and its made me feel loads better :hug: thanks guys
     
  16. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    :hi: HELLO :hi:

    It all gone quiet???????????
     
  17. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    COME WORK FOR THE COUNCIL

    A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

    The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

    He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

    'Have you ever been in the services?'

    'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

    The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

    The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

    The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

    Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

    You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

    The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '


    'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.

    'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b******ks, not really any point in you coming in for that
     
  18. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    Tinkle




    A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
    healthy son.

    All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
    tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
    came out,' replied the daughter.

    The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
    About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
    I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
    ago.

    A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
    Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

    'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'





    I KNOW YOU SMILED
     
  19. Twinkle Toes

    Twinkle Toes Preparing

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    Three Ladies in a Sauna

    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
    THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
    THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A

    FAX!!
     
  20. Elli21

    Elli21 Well-Known Member

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