i feel so alone...and it hurts like hell

[cluelessnow]

I'm sitting here typing and crying. I thought I had a good relationship, a committed one so we decided to go off the pill early this year. He was going to Canada to live but we had decided to make the long distance relationship work. I'm 38 and he's 36 so it was a shock to both of us when I got pregnant straight away, a month after stopping and a week before he left for Canada. The first 3 months he pressured me to terminate. I've just come back from Canada - after spending 3 weeks together resulting in him saying he loved me and we'll give it a go and us acting like a couple in the last week I was there. I'm 23 weeks pregnant and we had been going out for almost 2 years. While I was there I found out he had been flirting with other women and telling friends that I was just 'some girl he knocked up'. He apologised and said it was at a time when he needed to make himself feel better and he was weak and left some truths out.

Since I've been back for a few days, I haven't been able to sleep. I had a feeling that he was only doing it for the baby and not for me so I confronted him about it and he admitted if it wasn't for bubs, we wouldn't be together. I feel so gutted. He said he'd be monogamous but couldn't give me a relationship (which would mean 'a life time' now with bubs in the picture). He said he couldn't commit 100% because he doesn't think I'm the one, there's no spark anymore and he can't give it even just to have a go. Going back on everything he had said, saying that the distance would have broken us up eventually, even though we had planned I go out there and then setting up home somewhere after a year. He gave me a choice of going it alone or doing nothing until January (the birth) and see how he feels then. I don't mind doing nothing if I was there in Canada with him every day (because we are good when we are together) but doing nothing while I'm in London means letting go. And I can't bring myself to wait to be rejected in January. It's painful being in this limbo already and I'm not going to change as a person then.

Ironically, the first 3 months he didn't want bubs, now he wants to be involved with bubs but not me. I let him have the option of me letting him go and he's taking it. I plan to cut him out of my life though it's killing me and every minute I want to contact him. I'm in touch with his parents who are supportive of me no matter what happens to me and their son and I hope they can be the in-between so I don't have to speak to him again. I'm hurting so much inside. I feel so alone and I'm just crying all the time. My appetite is gone and I couldn't stomach anything. Did I do the right thing or did I push it too much and forced him to make a decision? Should I have done nothing and let it be? I feel I've messed it up and now there's no chance we could make things work.

Please advise. Thanks so much.

Alone and confused.
x

 

[jenniferttc1]

No advice, but wanted to give you a hug. So sorry he is being an ass, you deserve so much better than that

 

[CelticStar]

Oh hunni, I'm so sorry that he's being a major douche bag

You're not alone though and I'm only up the road (road being the M1 lol) in Milton Keynes, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to rant at then I'd be more than happy to be there for you.

Keep your chin up darling and think of yourself and the little one from now on, it's his loss and he doesn't deserve you

 

[Wantingbbbump]

First let me say that I'm very sorry that he has done this. You can do it on your own!! You really don't need a man that wanted you to abort your child for 3 months!! You should also try and be calm because it's not good for you or bubs for you to be crying and not able to eat. It can also bring on preterm labor. I was a single mom of 2 very small kids with one on the way and even though I was sad and very much feeling alone I pulled my head up high and made due and just looked forward to having my sweet little baby. A child is no reason to stay together and it's very true that it's better for a child to come from a broken home then live in one. It will get better and there is a man out there that will love you and your sweet baby. I did find a man that I have been with for 9 years now. He is great to my girls and to my son (long story with my son not going to post it here.) All 4 are not his bio children and he loves them as if they are. I am now pregnant with a donor sperm baby (also not his bio) and he is thrilled. There are good men out there. I feel that it's better that you two split now so that way by the time baby gets here is won't be so hard on you. IT'S HIS LOSS!!! HUGS sweetie

 

[Girlnextdoor]

You did the right thing. Be strong

 

[Kristin52]

no advice, just wanted to send you hugs and prayers that things get better xx

 

[cluelessnow]

Thanks so much for above responses. My sister said to come on here if I needed to talk and there's no one around. It's 152am and everyone is asleep. I want to call him so much. But I think I've already frustrated him with all my questions. I wanted it to work out so much that I feel I should compromise and wait and see, see if he'll come around, it took him 3 weeks to accept bubs when we did an ultrasound scan while I was out there. Maybe he needs time to accept 'us'. He said that because bubs came too soon, we didn't get time to build something stable, that we're going backwards - he had wanted the conventional way - go out, move in, buy house, baby - not go out, baby. Perhaps I should swallow my pride and 'be friends' and see what happens??

 

[Girlnextdoor]

Don't call him! You do not need to beg someone to love you back. If he doesn't think your relationship is right, it is best to let him go. You are better than that. You will find someone in the future that would never walk out on you, that loves you so much you won't need to convince them why, and that loves your baby too.

 

[CelticStar]

What I would do personally is not have any contact with him, give updates to his parents on how the pregnancy is going and let them pass it on to him.
You need to give yourself some time to get used to him not being there and by being in contact with him, I think it'd be too much for you right now.

It takes two people to make a baby and if he felt it was too soon then he should have said before ttc, not afterwards when it's too late!

IMO it's an excuse for him to use and not the real reason for him ending your relationship xx

 

[cupcakemomma]

What a jerk! I don't really have anything to say, just wanted to send you some

 

[newfielady]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You and your baby deserve someone to love you both. I see so many stories on here that are similar to yours, it's very upsetting. Please stay strong, your baby needs you and your never alone here on bnb.

 

[Msocwife]

i'm very sorry that you are having to go through this, but i definitely 100% think you made the right choice. Women make single parenting work everyday, it's harder, but definitely doable with support from your friends/family. Ultimately staying with a man you know isn't committed to you and wasn't totally in love with you would be a terrible life. He can maintain support of your child however you two decide on, but you deserve to be with someone who knows you're the one for him and loves you unconditionally! I sincerely hope you find that and know you deserve it!

 

[Wantingbbbump]

I know that your hurting really bad sweetie but you really need to give it some time so that when you make a choice on what to do it's not out of fear or wishful thinking. He was wanting to try for a baby and then when you got your BFP he wanted it aborted, Okay that can be over looked as I have been there. Men freak when they are about to be a daddy for the first time. I am going to share my story with you because even though I got my bfp with my son from being raped I think it might help you. Back in 2004 I was raped and got the morning after pill and it didn't work. The rape was sunday night and I took the pill on a monday morning. Well baby was on it's way and my dh ( we aren't really married but have been together for 9yrs) fought with me everyday to abort the baby. I just couldn't do that. Well I had my gender scan and found out the baby was a boy and my dh was happy from then on but only to a point. He bought nothing for the baby but he would go out a 4am to get me food and would put his hand on my belly from time to time and feel baby kicking. It wasn't until after the baby was born that he was truly happy and now he is in love with our son. Men freak and they act out, some even cheat on their pregnant woman for some reason I will never understand. With all of this being said your baby's dad may come around and want to be a family with you and baby. I would never say that there is no hope of that. But at the same time I don't want you to get hurt again if it doesn't turn out that way. I do think that you should be friends for the sake of your child after all it needs to know that it is here because mommy and daddy loved each other and wanted a part of them showing their love in the world. I really wish you the best and I truly hope that you will get the outcome that you want in the end. You will be a amazing mom either way!!!

 

[nikkinoo36]

Big hug X. The turmoil of emotions is so damn horrible, and poor you at such a precious time, I personally really struggle with intense emotions and can't imagine how hard this must be for you.. gut wrenching. Let some tears out and focus on you and bubs...
Sending you strength and clarity at such a difficult time.. It'll all be alright though in the end..
XXX
xxx

 

[maybe11]

Sending you a big hug from someone whos going through the same Sh*t.

 

[emsie_123]

Sounds like a proper tosser to me. He shows a complete lack of responsibility towards you; make sure he takes his financial responsibility to YOUR baby! (not his, anyone can make a baby, not everyone (clearly) are parent material)

Stay strong for bubs, and you aren’t alone at all! Lots of hugs

 

[IvyBaby]

Must be so hard for you. Big hugs!
Maybe give it some time. Men often get used to the idea of becoming a daddy. Probably he is scared of losing his freedom. The question is- do you need a man who has behaved so immature?! He is 36, not 16 anymore...I know it is hard, but the distance will help.
Try to eat- for the baby at least. After a while all this nightmare will be behastind you and you will have a beautiful baby to take care of! At least you have some support there. Talk to your sister, you will feel better

 

[AFwife77]

Sending hugs your way...

 

[fizzypop]

You know what? You don't need this. Quite frankly he can F off! Why should YOU go running to HIM to ASK for support! No!! This is NOT ok. Don't call him, you do NOT need him. I am so so so so so angry for you. HE made this baby and isn't man enough to face up to it. Do you need that? No! Don't contact him, he knows where you and the baby are if he wants to man up. If not, you deserve so so much more.

I truly hope things work out for you. Actually, I don't need to hope because I know they will. Xx

 

[fabs]

I kno kinda how u feel at the min, i'm having problems with my fella. he's become very distant with me since being pregnant, even though he wanted a child. Not replying to me much when i try to contact him, as were 2hours drive away at the moment too. And i too, feel quite alone as well, i'm scared he's thinkin the same and now worried about committing for life with me with the baby coming. I feel for you so much right now x