I feel so deflated =(

[Lisa2701]

hi everyone,

I just need to get something off my chest and maybe get some people opinions. My DH and i have been ttc for 4 months now (only 2 cycles really) and i've been mega excited about the thought of another baby. I honestly thought that despite him not talking about it much that secretly my DH was feeling the same....then came last night.... My DH told me that he wasn't fussed either way if we had another baby or not but if I want another baby then we're doing now becuase he doesn't want our son being much old before we have another child. Our son was a surprise and we were only 18 and 19 (and not together long) when we got pregnant so my DH's veiw is that now that DS's 5 we're gaining a little couple time back. I feel so deflated, i almost feel like i can't possibly have a baby with a man who doesn't "really" want one.... can i? I know that he'd love the baby and he'd get really excited once i was pregnant but i can't help think that on the really though days (and days can be tough) i might get the "well you wanted this" kind of attitude.

Sorry for the long post, i just needed to tell someone and get this off my chest, i really don't know what to do.

L xx

 

[Nessicle]

Hi Lisa

sorry you're feeling deflated - our OH's can be a bit insensitive sometimes when we're ttc, especially given all the hard work we're putting in and all they have to do is shoot their load!

My OH doesnt get to overly excited too, I think he's just holding back his feelings until it actually happens as we're on to cycle 3 now. Once we see the words 'pregnant' on a CB digi I know he will be over the moon.

Perhaps your OH is the same - like a protective instinct for him so as not to feel the pressure.

I'm sure once he knows he's gonna be a daddy again he will be jumping for joy xxx

 

[SBB]

I agree with Ness, perhaps it's a protective instinct. I do it too, pretend I'm not too excited about something so that if it doesn't happen the damage doesn't seem so bad.
I think my OH does it too, because before TTC he'd talk about wanting a baby, now it's all gone quiet! But he really feels the pressure of 'performing' to make a baby (I don't tell him when it's ovulation now because the pressure is too much!)... so I think it could be his way of dealing with it is to keep it all low key..

Perhaps that's what's going on with your OH? Maybe you should sit down and have a proper talk about it, make sure it's what he wants, then make sure you're not talking about it all the time, so he's not feeling it so much?

x x

 

[Lisa2701]

Hi Nessicle,

Thanks for your reply. OH's really can be insensitive can't they? Now that you mention it though, when DH and i first started TTC i remember asking him if he was excited and he said there was no point getting excited till i was actually pregnant, so your maybe right. I have briefly explained to him the things i'm keeping an eye on (temps cm etc) and why but i haven't spoken much about it in a day to day basis. I try not pressure him and not to let him know where in my cycle i am so that he doesn't feel i only want him for his services , so i'd like to think he's not feeling under pressure, we are only 2 cycles in so i am trying to take the mentallity that there is always next month, if he doesn't feel like bd'ing on the optimum days, then thats fine ( for a few more months anyway ).

I know my dad openly admits he didn't want children ( yet he was a great dad) , and especially didn't want two, however he is actually much closer with my little sister than he is me, so i suppose some people just aren't fussed, but will love whatever is given....if that makes sense???

Thanks Nessicle feel a bit better already actually

L xx

 

[Lisa2701]

thanks SBB,

Yeah i think you maybe right. I acutally think he's genuinely not fussed, I was always the one that spoke about another baby (before TTC), his thoughts was always he didn't want to wait too long if i wanted more children becuase our son was growing up and he didn't want to get our "couple time" back and then have another baby and go back to square one. Maybe second time round we need to think of baby sitters and things so we can still have couple time.... we haven't done that first time round really, but to be fair that was his doing not mines, he didnt' want anyone other than his and my mother caring for our son, and unfortunately we no longer talk to his mother, and my mother has ALWAYS got things to do, people to see so rarely takes our ds (although to be fair i rarely ask).

Its amazing how just writing it down and getting it off your chest makes you feel better and maybe lets me see thing i wouldn't have before....

Thanks girls

XX

 

[SBB]

Glad you feel a bit better hun, hope you get it all sorted x x

 

[Nessicle]

Hi Nessicle,

Thanks for your reply. OH's really can be insensitive can't they? Now that you mention it though, when DH and i first started TTC i remember asking him if he was excited and he said there was no point getting excited till i was actually pregnant, so your maybe right. I have briefly explained to him the things i'm keeping an eye on (temps cm etc) and why but i haven't spoken much about it in a day to day basis. I try not pressure him and not to let him know where in my cycle i am so that he doesn't feel i only want him for his services , so i'd like to think he's not feeling under pressure, we are only 2 cycles in so i am trying to take the mentallity that there is always next month, if he doesn't feel like bd'ing on the optimum days, then thats fine ( for a few more months anyway ).

I know my dad openly admits he didn't want children ( yet he was a great dad) , and especially didn't want two, however he is actually much closer with my little sister than he is me, so i suppose some people just aren't fussed, but will love whatever is given....if that makes sense???

Thanks Nessicle feel a bit better already actually

L xx

Aww glad to help hun - it does feel better to get it off your chest and to see if anyone else goes through the same thing with their OH's too. I agree my OH and I rarely speak of what we're going to do when we have a baby. Just because I suppose we don't want to get too excited in case it doesnt happen. There's always a possibility it could take us over a year, perhaps longer, to conceive and the disappointment if we got too excited would be exhausting.

I tell my OH when we need to bd but as a general rule I don't tell him anything like when I'm testing with OPK's or when my period is due. He just goes with the flow.

I think for men they don't have that 'yearning' to be a father that we get to be a mother. Its an instinct we have in us from birth so it's only natural we'd want it more than men. They don't know what its like to grow a life inside you and the feelings that would come with it etc so it is much harder for them.

My OH can't understand why when AF comes I get so upset. He tries to be supportive saying "it's only month 2 it could take us months yet" but obviously that's not what I want to hear lol so I bawl even more ha ha poor bloke!

I would just keep quiet. He's agreed to ttc so it's not like you're getting pregnant without him knowing - he just doesnt have to know the details

It's hard for them to perform if they know we're monitoring everything we can

xx