I guess we are going to divorce then..

Discussion in 'Waiting To Try' started by oceania, Oct 6, 2013.

  1. oceania

    oceania Well-Known Member

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    Long story short, I've seriously had it with DH's vague answers to when we could start TTC. It's always been "soon" "i dont know" "youre still young" "your time will come" and today I told him to either give me a date or a real timeframe or to stop wasting my time, cause he can have a child at 50 which I cant, and to me having a child is too big of a deal for me to wait forever even if we love eachhother. :cry: Thinking of what todo now, should I look for my own place...he will never come around and will never care abt how I feel or listen to anyones advice...:dohh: maybe I'm being too drastic but I dont wanna stay with him for 10 years just to find out he didnt want a kid in the end.
     
  2. callmedan

    callmedan Well-Known Member

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    oh dear, :hugs:
    cant you tell him you are feeling like this? maybe if you tell him you are thinking of divorce it might be the wake up call he needs.. how old are you both if you dont mind me asking? maybe you could compromise and wait a couple of years or something?
    i hope you work it out :flower:
     
  3. itsnowmyturn

    itsnowmyturn Well-Known Member

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    U need to sit with him and tell him ur serious about having children and u need to no he is. I told my oh that for me not having children in the pipeline would be a deal breaker. Luckily he said he did want them one day just not right then, I dropped it after that and when the time came that I couldn't wait any longer we spoke again and just over a year later he came round to the idea, were now less than a week away.

    Divorce is very extreme, try to think about why u married him in the first place
     
  4. lovetocruise

    lovetocruise Well-Known Member

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    I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm sure a lot of us here have been in similar situations so take a deep breath and consider all your possible options.

    Have you tried counseling at all? DH and I were in counseling a couple years ago, for an unrelated issue, and the baby argument came up, and I am so glad it did.
    Hubby wanted to keep putting off the talk and kept saying we were still young and had plenty of time, blah blah blah, etc. Once we discussed it with a therapist, we determined that hubby thought that I was pushing for a baby right then (which I wasn't, I just wanted a timeframe idea) and would panic and shut down. I thought that he didn't want kids at all because he wasn't willing to talk about it, which also wasn't the case.
    Once we figured out that I was willing to wait another year or so, and that he wasn't against having kids in the next few years we were more easily able to talk about it and come to a compromise.

    I'm sure you've heard this before, but communication is so important. If you haven't already, schedule an appointment with a couples/family counselor and discuss it with a neutral third party. Sometimes you just can't successfully have that conversation without a mediator to help you understand each other.

    Also, I don't know how old you are, but enjoy your time together if you haven't already. DH and I are mid-late twenties, and have been married for over 4 years. I truly love him more now than I did even a couple years into our marriage. Cherish each other. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place.
     
  5. Rachie004

    Rachie004 Well-Known Member

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    I guess if you married the guy then you're further ahead then where I was.

    I was with a guy for 5 years and the relationship lasted 3 years longer than what it should have done because he kept promising children even when he never had any intention of having any. He was alot older than me and I found out later that I 'wasn't the only one' at the time, I also fully suspect that he had another life but that is by the by. Anyway, there was always something 'when this happens then it'll be good', then that thing would happen and then there would be something else, on and on it rolled for 3 extra years where I was utterly miserable.

    The difference is that the guy I was with is a complete tool and your husband is probably a nice guy, you married eachother so that's a good sign surely, but it comes to a point where the bridges get so burnt that they can't be rebuilt. It angers me to read posts like yours because there isn't any compromise in them, I see that you're willing to compromise and accept a timeframe, work towards something etc but it seems like it's a resounding 'no' from your OH if he's not willing to discuss it with you in a sensible manner. Why is that you have sacrifice/suck up your feelings and emotions. There is a lovely poster on here, who seems to have recently vanished, because her OH just won't seem to budge on it - it makes me so mad!

    I'm sorry to be completely blunt but I've been there and I find it infuriating to see anyone else going through it. I had a happy ending, eventually, but I had to jump out of the frying pan and out of the fire first :)
     
  6. Reidfidleir

    Reidfidleir Well-Known Member

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    Communication is key. Easier said than done. How long have you been married? And also, how have you been bringing up this discussion? What tone of voice? Are you trying to be gentle and kind as understanding? Or are you pushing for an answer?
    It's not just about communication but How you communicate.
    I understand you're feeling very strongly about things but quitting and throwing everything away is really not the answer and not going to solve your problems.
     
  7. spicyorange

    spicyorange Well-Known Member

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    really sorry to hear that but it would be a real shame for you marriage to fall apart over this. how old are you both and how long have you been married? maybe you need to explore his reasons behind wanting to wait - it might be that he is scared and he might not realise what this does to you. dont use the - give me a baby or im leaivng you line because htat kind of blackmail is neither a good environment to bring a baby into the world nor liekly to get a warm loving response. some one above suggested councilling - i think it might be a good idea if you are really at an impass but i really think you need to sit down with him and talk about it- agree on a time frame for when you will start ttc - its proabbly easier for him to ajust if you dont go for right now but set a date you can both agree on. do you love him or do you just want his kids? remember why you love him - maybe you need to go back to basics - a date night or two - enjoy each other and get your relationhip bak on track before you start ttc.

    i hope it works out for you.
     
  8. wombat1

    wombat1 Guest

    I think that is perfectly reasonable. If having kids means a lot to you I always think it's better to find out sooner whether the other person is on board or not, than leave it too late. Does your husband say if he wants kids at all? His vague answers sound a bit patronising to me "your time will come"? Surely that should be "our time".

    I had to make a relatively large sacrifice to be with my partner (moved a long distance twice so we could be together) and I refused to do so before we had talked about kids. I wanted them and I needed to know he did too and within a timeframe that I was happy with before I would invest too much into the relationship. Most people thought I was mad for worrying about things like that so early on but I didn't want to carry on with someone for 10 years, then have kids come up and find out we both wanted different things. So I think you are being sensible.

    Definitely talk to your husband about it of course and I hope you two can reach an agreement but it is not fair for one person to constantly make vague non-comital comments.
     
  9. oceania

    oceania Well-Known Member

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    Hi all, thanks for the replies. I'm 25 and he is 30. We have been married since august 2011, dating since aug 2010. We did talk about it last night before sleeping and he said that he does want a child a lot too but because of the job situation (he doesnt have a good job and the job market really sucks) he doesnt want to have a child yet - he doesnt want to rely on either me or government assistance to bring up his children and that is why he cannot give me a timeline either, since he doesnt know when things would get better and he said if they dont get better within 2 yrs he wants to move abroad. I cant imagine not being close to my mom and friends for support when we eventually have an LO so I really dont want to move abroad. This is so hard. Ive always tried to tell him we would manage even if we didnt have much money but its not good enough for him. He said his parents struggled when he was a child and doesnt want that for his children, period. He said he gets how I feel but he just doesnt want one before he has enough money to provide for them. I'm the one with the well-paying, permanent job in our marriage.

    We have free healthcare, almost free daycare and free schools here in Finland and I dont see how moving abroad would make things any easier unless both of us got AWESOME jobs and how likely is that in this economy. I also cant imagine having to wait 2yrs + just to TTC. I love him so much and I want a child WITH HIM not by myself or not with anyone else. Its heartbreaking. The way I look at things is that we would be fine and God would take care of our little family and atleast our basic needs. I forgot to mention my DH started a company last yr autumn, hoping for it to become super successful (in the mining industry) but he is waiting on a huge bankloan and the loan hasnt come through and its been over a year already and we dont know why. He is doing odd jobs to pay his bills while waiting for the company to work. I'm just so tired of not having a DATE! The problem is, i dont know if I could trust him even if he did give me a date. We TTC'ed for one month in January 2012 and then he asked me if we could take a 3 months break for him to work on his company plans and I agreed and by April he had changed his mind. So I dont know how much having a very distant date will help either, what if he changes his mind again?

    We dont really have a sexlife either, I guess he is too afraid of me getting pregnant so we DTD like once or twice a month. I dont want to use any BC because of side effects, and there arent many options for me either bc of my weight, he doesnt want to use a condom so we use the pullout method usually close to my period when Im not even in the mood. All of this sucks so bad. I'm doing VLCD now and it sucks because getting healthy to have a baby is one of my major motivations and now I dont see when thats gonna happen. It also sucks to have friends who are preg or have families and he always wants to spend time with couples like that and it makes me sick to my stomach when people ask us when are we going to have our own.


    Sorry for the long rant...
     
  10. itsnowmyturn

    itsnowmyturn Well-Known Member

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    I think it sounds like u both have well reasoned arguments. My oh was determined he wanted a child after we moved and not a moment before. Eventually he realised the reality of doing this was not a likely as he first thought. He came round to the idea. Maybe u just need to do research and show him how little a child can cost if ur savvy about it. Free daycare will take a lot of the strain off.

    Don't write him off just yet he sounds like he wants it but is scared what it might mean for u as a couple
     
  11. patienceiav

    patienceiav Well-Known Member

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    Big hugs for you hun, that sounds really frustrating :(

    I can somewhat relate, I never had a set date, it was always "once you have a permanent job" since that's what it would take for us to be stable enough to have a child. It was around 1-1.5years waiting without knowing when the date would be, but it did come round :)

    Starting your own company is exceptionally difficult, I hope things start to smooth out soon, probably once his plans start forming and things are falling in to place he'll have an easier time picturing a date for you two :)

    Lycka till :flower:
     
  12. dizzy65

    dizzy65 Momma of my 4 Boys!

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  13. Tigerlily01

    Tigerlily01 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, I don't have much advice, but I agree with the previous poster who suggested helping your OH feel more comfortable by showing him how little a LO can cost. It sounds like he is just scared of not being able to provide, but if you can get him comfortable with your current financial situation, maybe he will be more open to it? Sorry you two are struggling!:hugs:
     
  14. AniMo2202

    AniMo2202 Well-Known Member

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    I don't want to play devil's advocate,and it's your life and choices.But your husband has to make a choice,because like you said,our time is only so long,the longer you wait for things to be just right,the more your chances lower.

    I had a friend who got married to a man who promised her they could try for a baby when they'd been married for 5 years (they married very young).They had a really great,quite wealthy life together,and she felt her maternal urges come to the front.She had about 7 miscarriages over the years to come,but her husband never really seemed all that upset by it.Eventually he admitted to her that he never wanted to have kids in the first place,and that he always felt relieved whenever she had a miscarriage.She divorced him within a couple of months,and less than a year later,married another man.They've now been married for 4 years,and after 3 more miscarriages,they finally have their gorgeous little daughter.

    I hope her story can give you hope,and maybe help you decide what you want to do with your situation.
     

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