I hated the whole thing :(

[Romanae]

Just want to preface this by saying I cannot even express how much I love my son, and that yeah I'd do it again if I had to but God it was the worst experience of my life. And then I come here and feel awful cuz everyone else seems to have had such a wonderful experience

Sorry it's so long, I just need to get this out but I don't know anyone I can speak to irl.

I was living four hours away from my hometown, and the father of my son, due to really unsupportive family there. I was staying with my stepmum who was so nice and supportive. About three and a half weeks before I was due, Vaughn (my son's dad) called me and said he'd found us a place and if I'd still be interested in giving living together a try- we had seperate rooms. I said yes and moved up that weekend. As such I didn't have a midwife or any familial support anymore.

I went into labour at about one am April 1st eighteen days early. I'd gone to the bathroom, then just after pulling up my undies I thought I'd wet myself - but no, it was my waters. I packed my hospital bag and got ready to go, and woke up Vaughn at about three thirty - my contractions weren't painful but they were coming every 5 mins for a minute and I'd read that was a good time to go in, even though I knew once I went in I wasn't leaving again, due to my waters already having broken. Not sure about the practice in other countries but here, if your water breaks, you aren't leaving hospital without a baby - the chances of infection are too high.

We were in a room at the hospital by 4, and that was when things started to get bad. I was in agony but only 1cm dilated, they gave me pethidine and half an hour later gas, but it wasn't helping at all. He was high and up by my back. Got an agonising exam done, still one cm. At this point I was screaming through the contractions, I couldn't handle the pain, I just wanted him out I didn't care how. Vaughn later told me I was crying and pleading for a csection, or an epidural, anything to stop the pain.

After an hour they checked me again and I was eight cm, and told it was too late for an epidural. *******s. Started pushing and it was so excruciating I was just crying and saying I couldn't do it but I didn't have a choice. Vaughn was no help. I barely knew him anyway, we only dated for a few weeks, he just stood back and watched and gave no support at all. I don't think he spoke a word or touched me the whole time.

At eight am Devon was born, I had 3rd degree tearing as well. Honestly I didn't even know until the hospital midwife told me, I'd been in so much pain that the tearing hadn't even registered. So I went down to theatre to get stitched up.

When I woke up all the pain was gone and my son was there, and I was so happy, but I wish I'd had a birth I could look back on and smile. As it is it was so traumatic I don't remember a lot of it, the only reason I remember so much is that I keep a diary and I wrote down my experience just after I woke.

The saddest thing to me is that my clearest memory of what should have been a thoroughly magical and blessed experience is sobbing and wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, if only the agony would stop.

 

[NDH]

Oh honey, I hope that by having shared your story you'll be able to find some measure of peace about your birth experience. I truly believe that any birth can be a positive or a negative experience depending on your outlook and many women have traumatic, negative experiences so you're certainly not alone in feeling the way you do.
It can't have been easy going through it without any support

 

[pinklightbulb]

Congratulations on your little boy, I'm sorry the birth experience wasn't nice for you.

 

[xxyjadexx]

Congratulations on your little boy. Sorry u didnt have a nice experience xx

 

[Bubsta]

I think the trauma will eventually fade (not disappear, but certainly fade). I do understand on some level what you are saying. The birth of my son was the most traumatic night of my life too. I failed to dilate and bubs was up really high. Meconium, fetal distress, plummeting heart rate. I was scared whether he was going to make it, and the contraction pain was extreme. The love that i feel for him though far outweighs anything i went through to bring him into this world.
Hopefully when our babies are having thier first birthday, all the good memories will replace those traumatic ones. Congratulations on your precious little man. Xx

 

[rowleypolie]

first, congrats! and second, its good to see a real birth story on here. Birth isnt easy, it isnt something you think back to as the best day experience of your life. my births were also awful. i remember screaming that i couldnt do it, that i changed my mind, that i didnt mind being pregnant the rest of my life. after giving birth i thought i would never want to go through "that" again, but here i am for the 3rd time anxiously awaiting the birth of my last baby. trust me as the pp mentioned- the trauma fades and you will forget all the agony and only remember the beautiful child you received in the end. At least it isnt pointless pain, like kidney stones- lol. Chin up! you have a beautiful baby and now you can go through all the fun of raising him and loving him

 

[Romanae]

Haha thanks Pfft the little bum made me get kidney stones too, when I was ike 20 weeks :L

 

[firsttime83]

You are definitely not alone. I am over the moon in love with my daughter and I have a very strong relationship with my husband, but my labour was also not enjoyable. I remember wanting to give up knowing that was not an option. 24 hours of labour and the epidural wore off just in time for me to start pushing. Sadie was much bigger than we had expected as well, which I'm sure did not help.

I was so exhausted and in so much pain once she was born I didn't want her on my chest or hold her as I just wanted to lay there like jelly. Which in turn made me feel terrible... I was exhausted from the whole thing, the lack of sleep and even the lack of food.

Like you, I would do it all over again... for her. But not a bone in my body wants to have another one at this point. I know it is very early, and who knows if I change my mind or not. Either way, you are not alone.