I lost my baby today

[melany]

I was not expecting this pregnancy. In fact, the entire time I was terrified. I have a 17 month old, how would i care for a newborn too? I all ready have no energy, etc.

But then I finally accepted it and really started to get happy about the baby. I started to cramp today and my doc said to go in for a quick check up. They tried to hear the heartbeat but couldn't so they went to the ultrasound. No movement at all. My baby died a week ago at 18 weeks. I'm 19 weeks now.

It's hitting me in waves and I don't know what to do about it.

They refuse to do a D&C so I am now in the hospital waiting for labor to start. I'm terrified again. I don't want to give birth to a dead baby. I just want them to knock me out and have me wake up not pregnant. Instead I have to wait up to 36 hours and go through labor just to give birth to a dead child.

I don't think I can handle this. I'm devastated.

 

[imissmybabyja]

Hi there..
I am sorry for your loss. I am guessing by now you have given birth. Did you have a girl or a boy?
I lost mine on 04/21 at 18 wks. I had a boy and went through the same emotions. It's still hard to accept. But strongly believe time does heal. Not sure why we are being tested though. Keep questioning the timing.

 

[melany]

I haven't given birth yet, they said it could take up to 36 hours. This wait is horrible. I don't know the gender yet. I am so conflicted because I don't know if I want to the see the baby, I don't know if i will ever be able to get that image out of my head, you know? But I feel like I owe it to the baby to hold him/her.

 

[Emmasmom2]

Oh Melany, I am so sorry. I too have lost my precious girl on 4/21 and a day hasn't gone by that I don't cry myself to sleep. I am still in shock that she is gone. My advice to you - if I may - hold your baby, kiss him/her, tell hom how much you love him/her. My baby was born alive and kicking but she was too premature to survive. Emma passed away in our arms. We had her with us in the room overnight and it felt strangely normal, a baby in the cot, just so very silent. I loved holding her and singing to her, and when it was time to leave the hospital, my 2 year old son came with his daddy and got to meet his baby sister. He didn't really get it, of course, but he gave her a kiss and he told her he loves her. Four days later we visited her in the mortuary and said our final goodbyes. That was really hard, knowing that I will never see her again. Today/tomorrow is going to be really hard for you but later on it will be a blur. It is such an emotional time, you just need to get through it somehow. Cry, scream, do whatever makes it a bit easier. I didn't think I could do but I had to pull through for my other children. I hope you find strength and peace. {{{Hugs}}}

 

[imissmybabyja]

How far along were you, Emma's Mom?

 

[imissmybabyja]

I didn't hold him. I knew I couldn't handle it. Had he been alive I would have. And my memory of him is a hand wave that morning in the ultrasound. I didn't want to erase that.

 

[Emmasmom2]

I was 19+2 but she measured a week ahead.

 

[melany]

I'm afraid the baby will look...i don't know the word i'm looking for. But, I'm afraid it will be horrendous, you know? What if he/she is decaying? or the skin is coming off? I couldn't handle that. I mean if he/she looked like a really small baby sleeping I think it would be much much easier.

 

[Emmasmom2]

After you deliver can ask your nurse to describe the baby first and then see him/her if you'd like. At 18 weeks your baby is fully formed albeit very tiny. But the choice is yours, honey. Have you started the contractions yet? I hope all goes well.

 

[melany]

I passed the baby around 5 hours ago. I was delirious from lack of sleep but it honestly went better than I thought. The pain was intense, though.

He was a boy. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice very tightly. I am planning on seeing him in a couple hours.

I just want to thank everyone for your kind words and support

 

[Missy86]

I am very sorry for your loss

 

[imogenwanted]

Love and hugs to you and your family you are very brave xxxxx

 

[kimmy04]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking about you and your family xoxo

 

[nessaw]

Am so very sorry for your loss. I had twins at 15 wks back in february. Sending you love and hugs. Xx

 

[hayley x]

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby son. My story is very different, but in the 5 years I have been an angel mum, I have read time and time again how the mother wishes she had held her baby. Seen her baby. Take photos of her baby. Basically be their mummy for the very short time you get to have them in your arms :'( it's so incredibly hard and I'm so sorry you are having to live this life. My thoughts and love are with you all. I hope you feel at comfort with whatever you choose to be the best thing for you to do - as a family. Just remember every single decision is right for you at that particular moment. Your baby will always know how much you love him regardless of any thing you do or don't do. xxxxx

 

[Emmasmom2]

I am so deeply sorry that he came too early into this world. God bless your angel and your family.

 

[AndreZZ]

I am so sorry to hear this. I will never understand why these things happen but I always like to believe that everything truly does happen for a reason...and for the best. I wish you all the best, a speedy recovery, and emotional healing that will surely come with time.

 

[calm]

So very sorry for your loss

 

[Jennifaerie]

So very sorry for your loss

 

[Camlet]

I am so sorry for your loss xx