I love my mum, Buuut ......(warning long)

[BoLt_InFeRnO]

urgh! now shes just winding me up!

january this year i moved from wales to england. i met OH on line a year before, and realised it was something i needed to do. in wales, i had nothing, was still sleeping on mums sofa, had no job, no friends, nothing.

moving here was the best thing i could have ever done. i have a brilliant job. me and OH just got our new flat, im making friends, and for once, im happy.

she didnt think id stay here long. we've fallen out with most of our family because ive moved here. no idea why. but its all my fault. (as usual)

anyway, i spend as much time as poss in wales to see her. its £130 for me and OH to 'pop' and see her!!! she thinks i can come down every weekend. its so expensive! im getting closer to due date now, and i dont want to be spending 5 hours on a train, going 300 miles away. if anything happened there i'd have nothing. she has 4 children, i cant see why she doesnt understand this. i offered for here to come see me, i would have even paid for her, my 2 brothers and sister to come down. the day she was supposed to come down she didnt turn up. she ignored my calls and texts all day. then acted like nothing had happened. the last time i went to see her, she told me she wasnt in!!!! i was already in her town when she told me this. i text my sister to see where mum was, she was in bed she didnt want to make the effort to see me. and FIL had just driven me all the way to see her!

and last night on msn she asked if i had my birth plan ready, and what her role was????

shes planning on coming here for 2 weeks while im having baby!!!
1st; where is she going to stay!!
2nd; shes bringing my siblings down, i only have a little flat and i dont want them running around while im in labour. id rather she didnt come here at all!! but i dont know how to tell her. this sounds mean, but im hoping to go into labour early, or that she doesnt turn up again.

sorry its so long, but i needed to get it off my chest. when i talk to OH about my mum he gets upset cuz he knows he upsets me

 

[cdj1]

Oh dear, your mum sounds a bit selfish to me, sorry, £130 to pop and see her!!! Thats ridiculous and you only have 8 weeks left, you dont want to get caught short on the way to see her do you! Does she not think of this? Clearly not!

As for staying with you when you have the baby, surely that wont work, she'll only wind you up and what about siblings? It doesn't sound like you have the room....but I suppose they are assuming they can stay or it would be expensive to stay in a hotel for 2 weeks.

I think you need to have a chat with her and explain how you feel and that you just cant afford to keep coming to see her, you need to save the money for the baby and yourselves and maybe if she wants to visit you perhaps she should wait until after you have had baby and stay just a couple of days? Do you find it hard to talk to her about how you feel? xxx

 

[BoLt_InFeRnO]

normally i can tell her. its just shes the only family i have left, and i cant risk losing her.

 

[ayh78]

Don't really know what to say! She is being very unreasonable! Sounds like she's sulking about you moving away. Sorry to say it, but you just need to tell her that you cannot travel that kind of distance so close to your due date. My parents live 2-3 hours away and I've told them that we need a day or so after we get home to recover and get used to being a family before they come to stay. Luckily for us my MIL and FIL have offered them a lift and they know we want a few days to ourselves, so no suprises.
Good luck!

 

[Cookie1979]

I met my husband online aswell!!

I would say put your foot down, if you dont want her there for that long then you need to tell her, dont just let her make assumptions and make a happy time stressful. Her attitude and behaviour towards you sounds strange, but I can only think she is deeply hurt by your move and even though you are an adult I think she is probably hurt that you moved so far away. I remember how my mum used to get when I talked about moving out, she would get angry and upset with me even though I was an adult. In the end when I did she was happy, but then I only moved 8 miles from them and I think she was relieved that I'd finally met the man I was going to marry.

Perhaps your mum could come to stay but for a shorter time and perhaps once you are settled in with baby. Once baby is born its just going to be me, hubby and baby at home, my mum died last year so she wont be there to help out, and although I get on well with my MIL there is no where for her to stay (they live over an hour away) so I'm just going to handle things on my own. I'm sure I'll have lots of visitors but I think its important that me and my husband have quality time with our baby without others butting in and telling us what we should be doing. This is my first baby, and I'm pretty clueless, but if I'm stuck then my MIL is only a phone call away.

 

[anna matronic]

I have noticed how important it is for mums to be around at the birth. I have noticed this with my mum (with my sister now me) and also what I saw in hospital. But it isn;t easy as she doesn;t live round the corner. I actually don;t have any advice, except I feel for you! You just need to have it out with her and tell her exactly how you feel and see you can come up with a compromise that way.

As for you moving away, it is your life and you have done what is best for you, no-one can argue with you about that. I have moved away (only 60 miles) but it is still a 90 min drive everytime I visit my mum too, so don;t do it so often.

 

[cdj1]

Why would you lose her if you told her how you feel? Is your relationship with her shaky for any reason? You should surely be able to put your valid points across. I hope you can sort it hun x

 

[BoLt_InFeRnO]

sometimes i think my mum is jelous of MIL because im close to her. but only because she's been helping me out. i had a growth scan a few weeks ago and offered to pay for mum to be there, nut she didnt want to, so i went alone. MIL andFIL are going away on holiday the week im due, as its both their birthdays, and they understand its a thing me and Oh want to do alone. they arent going far away, so if anything happens they can come back. i might suggest to my mum that after ive had baby i'll go see her.

 

[BoLt_InFeRnO]

Why would you lose her if you told her how you feel? Is your relationship with her shaky for any reason? You should surely be able to put your valid points across. I hope you can sort it hun x

my mum is a lot like me. anything id say to her she'd probably take the wrong way. i truly love my mum, and she's helped me through a lot. just sometimes shes a bit too much.

 

[julietz]

Sounds like an iterfering mum just like mine, you shoud rly talk to her and tell her you would like her to be involved and see her etc but its a busy time for you and you dont need the stress, mw will be popping round and you want everything to be prepared, and you do not have the room, dont let her throw her toys out the pram cos she doesnt get her own way, tell her your all sorted now and have lots of support and you want to do this yourself, standing on your own two feet makes you feel proud, you have partenr for labour and your mum will be welcome to visit afterwards, but this is your time she had hers, my partner would not let mine or his mother be at the birth its a once in a life time moment for you both and she had that so it selfish to try take that away. Both his an my parents will be waiting in room until we have our baby.

 

[SassyLou]

Hi,

I've had problems with my mum and family, like you everythings my fault, I swear if it snowed in August it'd be my fault, lol!

Neither of my two sisters speak to me (long story) and mine and my mothers relationship if 'difficult'. Its taken me a lot of years, and councelling to realise that I have to stop trying to please everyone else. I realised that myself, husband and my adorable boys are our own little family unit, (much as I would love extended family to be involved). The minute I stopped trying to please everyone else and concentrated on our wonderful little family things got much easier.
I'm not saying shut your family out, but just remember its you, your OH and LO who matter, try and look after yourself you need pampering now not more stress.

Load of love and hugs xxx

 

[SassyLou]

Hi,

I've had problems with my mum and family, like you everythings my fault, I swear if it snowed in August it'd be my fault, lol!

Neither of my two sisters speak to me (long story) and mine and my mothers relationship if IS 'difficult'. Its taken me a lot of years, and councelling COUNSELLING to realise that I have to stop trying to please everyone else. I realised that myself, husband and my adorable boys are our own little family unit, (much as I would love extended family to be involved). The minute I stopped trying to please everyone else and concentrated on our wonderful little family things got much easier.
I'm not saying shut your family out, but just remember its you, your OH and LO who matter, try and look after yourself you need pampering now not more stress.

Load of love and hugs xxx

Whoopsi, Just read it back, better change the spelling. LOL

 

[DottyLottie]

My goodness! I really feel for you.
I am sure you do love your mother, but really she is behaving very badly, and being very VERY unfair on you considering your current pregnant state. Even if you weren't pregnant I would say her behaviour is quite unacceptable.

You don't say how your relationship is with your mum, but if you feel like you can have a calm chat with her about this, then I think it is a long time overdue. Failing that, perhaps write her a nice letter, explaining how hurt you are that she didn't support you in your move (you are an adult - we all have to spread our wings and move on at some point), how she has behaved since you moved (demanding you visit and/or ignoring you when you do), and certainly you MUST tell her that she cannot invade when your baby is due, perhaps a fair compromise would be to suggest she comes alone and gets herself a B&B. If she refuses to understand how important a time it is for you and OH to have som privacy, I am afraid you ought to let her sulk, this really is your time, and no one elses.

I really hope you manage to work it out, perhaps your siblings could help?

 

[MrsNovBaby]

Hi Hun, did not want to read and run and I feel really sorry for you. Don't know what I can suggest, or what I would do in your shoes. Good luck xx