I need help with a sticky family situation- long post

[brittany12]

I'm not sure where to post this to get some good feedback fairly quickly. So I hope this doesn't get deleted.

This is a long story, but I am going to try to make it brief so please keep in mind all the details are not going to be told.

So I'm 26 years old and have not really had a relationship with my dad. My parents divorced when I was 7 I think and he remarried and had a family with his new wifes 3 kids. He never came to any sporting events, school events, life events that I had. We didn't do a lot of bonding during the every other weekend that he had my brother and I. So when I turned about 12-14 I guess it was around the time where I would want to be with my friends or boyfriend instead of sitting over there doing nothing I pretty much quit going over there which lead to us not speaking.. for years. When I was almost 19 my dads brother passed away. I went to the funeral which lead to us speaking again and trying to build a relationship he promised to do things different and be around. I got engaged and fast forward almost a year I was planning my wedding (this is about 6 months prior to my wedding) my step siblings would not contact me back about if they got their stuff for my wedding and my wish for my wedding was that my brother walk me down the isle since he was the only "neutral" party between my parents (they did not get along, my mom would suck it up but my dad and step mom would not). I wanted him to walk me down and BOTH my parents stand up there to give me away. Well my step sister (I'm sure was relaying the message to my dad and step mom) started arguing with me about it saying that my dad needed to walk me down the isle because he is my dad. Long story short I responded I would not fight, beg or plea for anyone to be in my wedding or come to my wedding. Needless to say none of them were in it and none of them came (not one single person from my dads family) I have not heard or spoken to them since.

Well in March, my daughter was born and my perspective has changed. I don't want to be the reason him or her miss out on each others lives. I don't want that guilt. I feel like our differences should be able to be left in the past so that they can have a relationship. My dad's dad passed away this November and I went to the funeral, but did not see or speak with them. I went in, sat in the back and left when it was over. They did not try to make any contact either (they knew I was there). My heart broke that MY DAD even days later did not try in anyway to see or meet his first and only grandchild. My heart didn't break for me, it broke for my daughter.

My biggest fear is he will do to her what he did to me, come in her life and then disappear and hurt her like he hurt me. But my other fear is that one day she will be upset with me if I don't at least try to let him be apart of her life.

So here is where I need help.. My thought was to send them a Christmas card and also add in some pictures of her from the time she was born until now. I was thinking of including a letter saying something like:

I know we've had our differences, but i don't want that to be a reason my daughter can't have a relationship with her grandfather. I do not care what our past has been, to me the past is the past. My daughter is the most important thing in my life and if you would like a relationship with her I can leave the drama behind and start new. I will not beg for anyone to be apart of her life, but i will not stand in the way and prevent it either. The decision is up to you. I have included some pictures from her 9 months of life for you to have if you would like them.

i would also include my phone number and say if he would like to meet us for lunch he can call.

Does that sound ok? Does it sound to harsh?

Thanks!

 

[hlynne]

I don't think you are being too harsh in the least. I think that you have a big heart and it is great that you are willing to forget about the past for your daughters sake. I also understand that you won't beg anyone to be in her life. All you can do is try, right? I think a Christmas card with pictures would be a great start! It sounds like you are a very strong woman and a great mother. If it ends up that he does not want to be in your life or your daughters, well........that is his loss. All you can do is make contact and see what he says.

I really hope that he wants to be in your lives

 

[Bekah78]

I think you have a big heart too. I just hope you're not leaving yourself open to more hurt. I think that's a nice way to try and see if your dad is open to some form of relationship with his grandchild. Don't feel bad if he doesn't reply though because you'll know you tried. Good luck.

 

[brittany12]

Thank you!

 

[MumToEva]

Honest opinion? It seems to me like you are inviting him back into your life so he can hurt you, and potentially your daughter, again. I would just leave it totally up to him to initiate contact, and if / when he does, then do your best to facilitate their relationship while protecting yourself from further hurt as best you can.

 

[VickyLou]

I totally understand your situation. I had to do something similar with my mum when my daughter was born last year. Me and my mum have never really got on but I had to put our past behind us for my daughter. I couldn't hold on to the pain I had because of her, it wouldn't be good for my daughter. So I have tried to move on for my daughters sake. Thankfully my mum stepped up to the mark and totally dotes on my daughter, our relationship has got better to. I also feel a lot better letting go of all the hate and anger I had towards her.

The letter and Christmas card with pictures is a good idea. You are offering him the chance to be in his grand daughters life. I guess if he doesn't respond then you know he isn't interested but at least you can say you have tried. If he does decide he wants to see her then set some ground rules. Tell him the first time he lets her down (like he did you) then you will stop contact immediately.

 

[LaughOutLoud]

I side with you. Sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture and try to make relAtionships work for the sake of our children. I do hope for you and your LO's sake that your father steps up. GL

 

[bundle4me]

I think if he didn't make contact with you when he knew your daughter was born then what kind dad is he. Sorry but I would not be the one to initiate contact I think it should be him.
But if you do send the card good luck and i hope it works out for you all xxx

 

[brittany12]

Thanks everyone. Its a thought decision.

Maybe I should just send the Christmas card and that's it? And then let him go from there? Let him find a way to contact me and do the work?

 

[bundle4me]

Yes I think a card without pics is a good olive branch xxx

 

[Ceejay123]

Honest opinion? It seems to me like you are inviting him back into your life so he can hurt you, and potentially your daughter, again. I would just leave it totally up to him to initiate contact, and if / when he does, then do your best to facilitate their relationship while protecting yourself from further hurt as best you can.

I'm going to agree with this. We did the same to two lots of family after Riley was born, to give oppertunities.

One didn't even start up - so glad.

second hasn't seen him in 2.5 years. x