I need someone to listen...

[missdion]

Hi, you guys, I've been quietly reading all of your stories for about a week and it's comforting to know that You've been staying strong. Beautiful stories.

Now, i'm gonna tell you mine, I don't know if it'll be of any help to you, but I'm hoping to god it will help Me. I feel like i'm about to break-down.

For starts, I'm an OB/GYN, Yep, I work with babies and pregnant women all the time! :/

In january 2010 We got pregnant, after trying for a whole year. We were both over the moon, sure enough, when I was on my 9th week I started having absurdly severe cramping which led to absurdly heavy bleeding. We all know where that ended, right?

I told friends I was fine, it was nature, I dealt with that all the time, so I faked strogness through it, I'd cry after seeing patients and have awful nightmares for about 5 months. During this particular time I avoided the delivery room completely, I knew that would be too much.


Time sort of healed the wound and We were ready to try again, so october 2012 we got the good news, and that was it, we would be a family!

Long story short ,when 5/2 months pregnant,( I don't wanna annoy you with medical details) I ended up in my own hospital, in the delivery room I work in weekly, with MY intern perfoming an emergency D&C on me, while I was going into septic shock. yaaay! fun right? :/

It was pretty damn traumatic, I haven't gone back in the hospital since, and I don't feel like I'll ever be able to.

I couldn't go back home after I left the hospital, ( I know, I'm a wuss, right!) I'd have a break-down just thinking about the nursery and all the baby stuff all over the place, so my best friend was kind enough to send her two boys over to their gramma and welcomed me in the guestroom "honey, the last thing you need now is two noisy boys!" she said. I'll be forever thankful...

After my husband and friends managed to make my house look almost exactly like it did before-baby (they even painted the walls back) I went home.

And now I feel like I'm all alone, I know I had a lot of support and everybody was great, but it's like their lives went on and I'm stuck, I can't even think about going back to work that I burst into tears... I feel like such a failure, I'm not only incapable of bearing my own children I also disappointed all those women who trusted me, I know how awful it is to be 'handed over' to another doctor, especially in such a special time in their lives, I feel so bad.

there's a little bit more to this story than I have been able to talk about, with anyone,and I'm hoping this will set the motion for me, if I don't talk I'm gonna explode soon.... :´´(

(I know I didn't mention the baby a lot but...I just really can't go there yet.)

 

[gnomette]

Hi I am sorry for your loss for a start an you probably work in the worst job possible an I don't thibk anyone in your position would wanna go back x so give your self a break you will get there but its gonna take time (i hate it when people say that to me but believe me its true) have you tried to speak to your husband? I know its a lot easier talking behind a computer screen but when you feel up to it really do he is hurting too an I know I didnt with my husband x but as much as we can send you cuddles he can give them an when your ready you will want nothing more x I hope I have helped xx sending you all those hugs you sound like you have some amazing friends an family x

 

[missdion]

Thank You so much! and I'm so sorry for you loss too!
[jesus it is an absolutely overwhelming experience being in the other side of this sentence i must admit... ]

First, yes! I have amazing support, I stayed at my friend's for two weeks and as much as it was recent it was when I felt better... anyway! she still visits constantly and brings wine, so...
About work, you see, it used to be my life, I used to love it so much, i feel like i'm fading away inside of this, last week I hid from a former patient and her baby boy (whom I delivered!) in the grocery store. I never felt so humiliated in my whole life.

And, my husband is great and caring, but I feel like this pathetic emotional mess I've become is not who he married... honestly I'm ashamed to let him see how broken I am... I try hard to do all the crying on the bathroom floor, when he's at work. so when he comes home I'm strong enough to have a 10 minutes conversation without breaking-down.... it's getting harder and harder, hence, coming here...

thank you so much!
just knowing someone took the time to read this... it means a lot!

 

[gnomette]

Your love for your job is still there its just gonna take a bit of time an i did exactly what your doing with your husband with my own I broke down one day an funnily so did he an it was one of the most therapeutic things I did x it gave me the courage to go back to work x i look after old people so I don't have to worry bout babies but it has given me a new perspective all the same x

 

[gnomette]

If you wanna chat then honestly feel free to message me I am in the uk but I work nights so I am around a lot x

 

[missdion]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! You have no idea how much this means, really!

I'm going to try talking to my husband tonight, i hope he's as receptive as yours were! (and that is kinda funny!haha)

About work, I wish I had gone into geriatrics, lord, I do... I JUST got a text from a patient, one of my favorites actually, telling me that she's going into labor and as much as she understands that I got 'sick' (she couldn't mention the baby.) and doesn't blame me, she wishes I was there.

It hurts me so much that I don't wish AT ALL i was there...

That was a kick in the teeth!

 

[missdion]

I don't know how to chat!

 

[davidjoemum]

I'm sorry for your loss honey I really am we all here for you.
You are very strong lady
Thank you for sharing your story

 

[gnomette]

Click on my name an it will bring up my profile an there will he the option to private message x no need to say thank you I was where you are almost 11months ago x
your patient texting you just proves what an amazing Dr you are x an how you when you feel ready will carry on being an amazing Dr x your husband will probably appreciate someone talking to him in general people seem to forget men are hurting too xx so just start talking an see what happens x

 

[missdion]

about my patient, to my perspective i was the incompetent doctor who couldn't keep her own shit together, this is a happy story, it's been almost two months now, some of my patients have had complications...

i feel like a coward, for not being able to overcome this and step into that damn hospital!

 

[gnomette]

You can't help what happened after you were last at work these things happen an there was someone else there to help them they may have had the complications if you had been there or not x
maybe you need to just try an nip in for a coffee with someone you know who works there x fiercest there that way there is no pressure x

 

[missdion]

It is quite pathetic how long all of this took to actually hit me hard... :/

 

[gnomette]

No it takes everyone different amounts of time x its just a case of little steps at a time x

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I gave birth to two beautiful baby girls at 23 weeks, 21 months ago today for no known reason.

Wow...I don't blame you for not being able to go back. I took 5 months off work and even that wasn't long enough. If I was in your job I'm not sure if I would have coped so don't ever think you are weak or at blame or letting anyone down or anything! You are still living and still breathing and that alone takes a great deal of strength and courage.

I'm a lot further along in this crappy journey than you are so if you ever need some hope or a shoulder to cry on or even want to talk privately to someone about how you are feeling, feel free to PM me xx

 

[missdion]

I`m so sorry for your losses.

when it comes to work it`s complicated, it really is... imagine if it was your doctor when you were pregnant... this weakness of mine has affected way to many lives...

anyways, thank you for the support... it doesn`t seem to be getting any easier ... :/

 

[mhazzab]

I think you are being too hard on yourself

You cant help what happened and trust me I don't think many people could go straight back into that environment after a loss. I couldn't even speak to my pregnant best friend for months. Or anyone pregnant, i couldn't be anywhere near them.

These women should understand, and if they don't its because they haven't been through this and don't know the utter despair and devastation this causes. If they had any ability to put themselves in your shoes I bet they wouldn't still expect you to be at their birth. That would just be too cruel.
Here, you don't see the same doctor throughout pregnancy, and when you go into labour it's just pot luck who delivers baby.
At the end of the day though, you and your well being are far more important than anyone else. Xxx

 

[missdion]

some of them do, some don't! hence, i did get some hate e-mail!

the thing is, the guilt of leaving them behind is eating me alive, along with the overflow of emotions that come with the loss... it's a mess!

i keep getting these texts, two of them gave birth, texted me with smiley faces and a family pic! haha i know they don't mean harm but... it kinda stung.

i feeli like i need to start doing something, honestly, the wine and the prescripted drugs are starting too look way to seductive...

 

[mhazzab]

some of them do, some don't! hence, i did get some hate e-mail!

the thing is, the guilt of leaving them behind is eating me alive, along with the overflow of emotions that come with the loss... it's a mess!

i keep getting these texts, two of them gave birth, texted me with smiley faces and a family pic! haha i know they don't mean harm but... it kinda stung.

i feeli like i need to start doing something, honestly, the wine and the prescripted drugs are starting too look way to seductive...

Omg you got hate emails from them? What is wrong with these people? And the happy texts must hurt too

For a while I just sat there all day in tears or in front of the tv just to switch off. And then one day I told myself that I wouldn't let this define me, I wasn't going to let it ruin me and I think that's when I started to find myself again.
Everyone is different.

Meeting other people on here saved me. Nobody else understood, and it seemed like nobody cared after a few days or weeks. The other ladies I met on here were my lifeline, they dragged me out of a very dark hole. I hope you can find the same comfort xx

 

[missdion]

yeah... i got a few 'if something happens to my baby it's on you' and some 'you shouldn't call yourself a doctor!'
RIGHT after i got home, so that was like, ow, are you girls for real? which part of i delivered my baby boy while in septic shock you didn't understand?
my husband was out of his mind with rage...

about the texts, i do get a little sad and cry a bit, but it's good in a way, they usually say nice things to me, and i know they are trying to make me feel better. it hurts a little but it's ok.

i really hope i can put myself together again, i have been getting a lot of help here, you're all really nice ladies...

i guess bad thing really happen to good people...

 

[maxxiandniko]

yeah... i got a few 'if something happens to my baby it's on you' and some 'you shouldn't call yourself a doctor!'
RIGHT after i got home, so that was like, ow, are you girls for real? which part of i delivered my baby boy while in septic shock you didn't understand?
my husband was out of his mind with rage...

about the texts, i do get a little sad and cry a bit, but it's good in a way, they usually say nice things to me, and i know they are trying to make me feel better. it hurts a little but it's ok.

i really hope i can put myself together again, i have been getting a lot of help here, you're all really nice ladies...

i guess bad thing really happen to good people...

Tried to pm you and couldn't