Hi ladies. I didn't think I'd find myself here because since day 1 I'd always thought "I'm going to be happy with whatever, as long as it's healthy" - you know, the usual cliché.
Well here I am. The sonnographer today wrote the gender (70% sure as I'm only 12-13 weeks, but she's VERY good at her job) on a piece of paper and sealed it. We went to the park where we bid farewell to our lost little baby in January and thought it'd be nice to start fresh by reading it there.
I opened the envelope - expecting to see the words I was SOOO sure of. I knew in my heart what I was having, I'd known since week 1.
I was wrong. She's a girl.
I stood there - holding the words, numb and shocked. I was so sure it was a boy. I wanted a boy more than anything. I broke down and sobbed and had some awful thoughts that I'm so ashamed of I'm not even going to bother repeating them to myself. My husband was so supportive and held me close.
The main reason for wanting a boy is that I have hereditary ovarian failure. This child I am carrying is a pure miracle and I remember the pain I felt when I found out I might not have children at all. I was torn, broken, less of a woman. And now I have tremendous guilt that I'm bringing a girl into the world that is likely going to got through the same thing. If she's not as lucky as me to find her other half so early in life (I'm 24, been with him since 15) she may lose her opportunity. Contrary to popular belief, it's very hard to freeze eggs so she'll need a partner to make and store embryos. What if she doesn't find him and she misses out? It's my fault for creating her.
But it's not just that. I can't relate to a girl. I've never been the typical girl - I never went rogue as a teenager and I'm scared she will. I hate getting my period and the poor thing is going to get one too. The pressure on girls in schools these days are scary - they're having sex at 12, being pressured by older boys. I can only do so much to protect her. She's not even born and I already feel helpless to look after her.
I don't like girly clothes or pink, frilly things. I hate doing hair and makeup and dresses. I LOVE boys clothes - the tuxedos I could have dressed a boy in.
Oh and it gets even pettier - my mother told me I'm having a girl and she wants me to have a girl. I told her I want and am having a boy and she had the cocky attitude that she's right. Well I told her today and instead of supporting me and saying congrats she laughed and said "I told ya so" - how fucking mature (sorry for the language). Oh how I wanted a boy so she could shove her words somewhere the sun doesn't shine.
I can't say "I have a daughter" as I've always thought I'd have a son. The words don't make sense to me yet. I'm hurt and disappointed and heart broken - not just that she's a girl but also at myself for feeling this way. With the struggle we went through to conceive her I should be happy. The NT scan went perfect, she's perfect and healthy and growing ahead of schedule.
I hate myself for being wrong. I hate myself for being disappointed.
Well here I am. The sonnographer today wrote the gender (70% sure as I'm only 12-13 weeks, but she's VERY good at her job) on a piece of paper and sealed it. We went to the park where we bid farewell to our lost little baby in January and thought it'd be nice to start fresh by reading it there.
I opened the envelope - expecting to see the words I was SOOO sure of. I knew in my heart what I was having, I'd known since week 1.
I was wrong. She's a girl.
I stood there - holding the words, numb and shocked. I was so sure it was a boy. I wanted a boy more than anything. I broke down and sobbed and had some awful thoughts that I'm so ashamed of I'm not even going to bother repeating them to myself. My husband was so supportive and held me close.
The main reason for wanting a boy is that I have hereditary ovarian failure. This child I am carrying is a pure miracle and I remember the pain I felt when I found out I might not have children at all. I was torn, broken, less of a woman. And now I have tremendous guilt that I'm bringing a girl into the world that is likely going to got through the same thing. If she's not as lucky as me to find her other half so early in life (I'm 24, been with him since 15) she may lose her opportunity. Contrary to popular belief, it's very hard to freeze eggs so she'll need a partner to make and store embryos. What if she doesn't find him and she misses out? It's my fault for creating her.
But it's not just that. I can't relate to a girl. I've never been the typical girl - I never went rogue as a teenager and I'm scared she will. I hate getting my period and the poor thing is going to get one too. The pressure on girls in schools these days are scary - they're having sex at 12, being pressured by older boys. I can only do so much to protect her. She's not even born and I already feel helpless to look after her.
I don't like girly clothes or pink, frilly things. I hate doing hair and makeup and dresses. I LOVE boys clothes - the tuxedos I could have dressed a boy in.
Oh and it gets even pettier - my mother told me I'm having a girl and she wants me to have a girl. I told her I want and am having a boy and she had the cocky attitude that she's right. Well I told her today and instead of supporting me and saying congrats she laughed and said "I told ya so" - how fucking mature (sorry for the language). Oh how I wanted a boy so she could shove her words somewhere the sun doesn't shine.
I can't say "I have a daughter" as I've always thought I'd have a son. The words don't make sense to me yet. I'm hurt and disappointed and heart broken - not just that she's a girl but also at myself for feeling this way. With the struggle we went through to conceive her I should be happy. The NT scan went perfect, she's perfect and healthy and growing ahead of schedule.
I hate myself for being wrong. I hate myself for being disappointed.