I needed to vent a little...

[LetItBeABaby]

As of today, it has been 6 1/2 months since John and I first started trying to conceive. Who would have thought making a baby would be this hard? It's simply two ingredients mixed together, right? Yes, but timing is everything. Over these past months I have learned so much about what ecstatic, hurt, and disappointment really mean. On July 7, 2013 I thought God was finally on my side: I got my first positive pregnancy test. John and I were so excited that after only a month of trying, we had succeeded. We were going to have our bundle of joy in just 9 months. Our joy was short lived. I took three more tests: one shortly after the first, another that night, and one more the following day. Negative, all of them. I had had a chemical pregnancy. It didn't stick and my period proved it. My heart broke. I'd never let anyone see that, though. I pretended to shrug it off like it was no big deal. It was. It crushed me to the core. So much that I still think about it today. It's a fear I have. Will my next positive be for real? Will I ever get another positive? Does God think we don't deserve a child? So many questions unanswered. No one knows how hard this is on me. I have no one I can openly talk to about it that will actually listen and tell me something other than 'it'll happen when it happens.' It's so easy for everyone to say because they didn't have to try. It came easyfor them. Now I sit here, with no child to bear as my own, while the stork visits everyone else. It hurts to see other people around me have something that I would die for, and all they do is complain or abandon their precious gift. People who don't want a child yet or who don't deserve one are being handed them without them so much as trying. Yet, here I stand, having to be one of those brave, enduring women who has to track cycle to cycle and pray to God everyday that they are fertile, at least enough to bear one bundle of joy. Every time I take a test, it's like playing Russian roulette. Will I win this round, or will I get the bullet? People don't understand how hard it is for some women. Two and a half years my fiancé and I have been together. Never have we used a condom, just the pull out method. Nothing. No 9 month surprises. Now, 6 and a half months of no condoms and no pulling out. Still nothing. No surprises. Until you've gone through the roller coaster of emotions as I and so many other women have, don't tell me 'it'll happen when it happens.' That doesn't help. That doesn't confirm for me that it ever will happen. It's an empty boost of confidence. Just listen and bare with me. Be there when I need an ear or a shoulder, because I will get my positive. I will get my baby. I'll do whatever it takes. I deserve a baby. WE deserve a baby.

 

[youngmommy26]

As of today, it has been 6 1/2 months since John and I first started trying to conceive. Who would have thought making a baby would be this hard? It's simply two ingredients mixed together, right? Yes, but timing is everything. Over these past months I have learned so much about what ecstatic, hurt, and disappointment really mean. On July 7, 2013 I thought God was finally on my side: I got my first positive pregnancy test. John and I were so excited that after only a month of trying, we had succeeded. We were going to have our bundle of joy in just 9 months. Our joy was short lived. I took three more tests: one shortly after the first, another that night, and one more the following day. Negative, all of them. I had had a chemical pregnancy. It didn't stick and my period proved it. My heart broke. I'd never let anyone see that, though. I pretended to shrug it off like it was no big deal. It was. It crushed me to the core. So much that I still think about it today. It's a fear I have. Will my next positive be for real? Will I ever get another positive? Does God think we don't deserve a child? So many questions unanswered. No one knows how hard this is on me. I have no one I can openly talk to about it that will actually listen and tell me something other than 'it'll happen when it happens.' It's so easy for everyone to say because they didn't have to try. It came easyfor them. Now I sit here, with no child to bear as my own, while the stork visits everyone else. It hurts to see other people around me have something that I would die for, and all they do is complain or abandon their precious gift. People who don't want a child yet or who don't deserve one are being handed them without them so much as trying. Yet, here I stand, having to be one of those brave, enduring women who has to track cycle to cycle and pray to God everyday that they are fertile, at least enough to bear one bundle of joy. Every time I take a test, it's like playing Russian roulette. Will I win this round, or will I get the bullet? People don't understand how hard it is for some women. Two and a half years my fiancé and I have been together. Never have we used a condom, just the pull out method. Nothing. No 9 month surprises. Now, 6 and a half months of no condoms and no pulling out. Still nothing. No surprises. Until you've gone through the roller coaster of emotions as I and so many other women have, don't tell me 'it'll happen when it happens.' That doesn't help. That doesn't confirm for me that it ever will happen. It's an empty boost of confidence. Just listen and bare with me. Be there when I need an ear or a shoulder, because I will get my positive. I will get my baby. I'll do whatever it takes. I deserve a baby. WE deserve a baby.

I am so sorry about your CP. Me and DH have been trying for 2 years ourselves. haven't even got a BFP. I have been through many TWW and have learned to just not think about them, as I know i'm just going to be upset when AF shows anyways. When I do try to symptom spot, because I want a baby so badly I start feeling things that aren't really there, and it just sucks. I even gave up for a few months, left the forums. Just came back 2 weeks ago, now we are going to actively try again. But a part of me keeps telling me it's never going to happen, I don't even know why I spend all this money on tests, and preseed, and softcups, and fertilaid. I blame myself because I am overweight. I just feel crappy. But you DO deserve to be a mother. I get really upset sometimes when I hear about women who have only been TTC for 1 month and got pregnant, and then turn around and tell you "it will happen when it happens" and "don't be so down on yourself" yeah easy for you to say, you just got your BFP. I am happy for them, but at the same time, I am jealous. But like you said, your going to do whatever it takes, that's what I am doing, whatever it takes. But me and DH have already decided, if it doesn't happen in another 3 years, we are just going to count our losses. I am just so annoyed with everything at this point, I'm not going to spend the next 10 years tracking and trying and putting all this stress on our relationship. I'm sending lots of baby dust your way. I really really hope you get your BFP.

 

[ces2008]

I know exactly how you feel. DH and I have been actively TTC since June 2011, but have never used anything to prevent in our entire almost 12 year relationship. And so many people around me have gotten pregnant without trying and had their babies. Including my 16 year old sister in law who go pregnant at 13. Its hard! Every single announcement kills me a little more. We've never had a single BFP.

 

[LetItBeABaby]

Youngmommy26- I don't want this to sound terrible, but thank you. Its always nice to know I'm not alone, especially through hard times like this. You WILL get your BFP. I just know it! We have a quote on our wall in our bedroom, "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." Thomas Edison. We can't give up. Spending all that money and time does cause strain but in the end I just know it'll be worth it. We can do this! And as for other people getting pregnant, my cousin (19) just had her baby (to "same" her relationship) and my other cousin (22) is 6 months pregnant (without trying and with a man she doesn't want to be with). Its hard, especially since I'm going to see them in a couple days for the holidays. But, at least all of us women on here have each other to turn to. Baby dust to you, sweetheart!
Ces2008- I know your BFP will come soon. And 13?! Holy cow. That's crazy. Hang in there, babe! Our time is coming! I can feel it!

 

[Amy_Nicole]

As of today, it has been 6 1/2 months since John and I first started trying to conceive. Who would have thought making a baby would be this hard? It's simply two ingredients mixed together, right? Yes, but timing is everything. Over these past months I have learned so much about what ecstatic, hurt, and disappointment really mean. On July 7, 2013 I thought God was finally on my side: I got my first positive pregnancy test. John and I were so excited that after only a month of trying, we had succeeded. We were going to have our bundle of joy in just 9 months. Our joy was short lived. I took three more tests: one shortly after the first, another that night, and one more the following day. Negative, all of them. I had had a chemical pregnancy. It didn't stick and my period proved it. My heart broke. I'd never let anyone see that, though. I pretended to shrug it off like it was no big deal. It was. It crushed me to the core. So much that I still think about it today. It's a fear I have. Will my next positive be for real? Will I ever get another positive? Does God think we don't deserve a child? So many questions unanswered. No one knows how hard this is on me. I have no one I can openly talk to about it that will actually listen and tell me something other than 'it'll happen when it happens.' It's so easy for everyone to say because they didn't have to try. It came easyfor them. Now I sit here, with no child to bear as my own, while the stork visits everyone else. It hurts to see other people around me have something that I would die for, and all they do is complain or abandon their precious gift. People who don't want a child yet or who don't deserve one are being handed them without them so much as trying. Yet, here I stand, having to be one of those brave, enduring women who has to track cycle to cycle and pray to God everyday that they are fertile, at least enough to bear one bundle of joy. Every time I take a test, it's like playing Russian roulette. Will I win this round, or will I get the bullet? People don't understand how hard it is for some women. Two and a half years my fiancé and I have been together. Never have we used a condom, just the pull out method. Nothing. No 9 month surprises. Now, 6 and a half months of no condoms and no pulling out. Still nothing. No surprises. Until you've gone through the roller coaster of emotions as I and so many other women have, don't tell me 'it'll happen when it happens.' That doesn't help. That doesn't confirm for me that it ever will happen. It's an empty boost of confidence. Just listen and bare with me. Be there when I need an ear or a shoulder, because I will get my positive. I will get my baby. I'll do whatever it takes. I deserve a baby. WE deserve a baby.

I feel your pain, many others here do to. Me and my hubby have been TTC for 4 years now (5 if you count the first year we weren't preventing/weren't trying.) Last year After 3 years of TTC I finally, FINALLY got my positive. I was so happy I weeped. At the time me and my husband where still in Japan and there was a long waiting list for the only English speaking dr in my city (about 2 weeks). When I arrived expecting confirmation of our miracle I was told I wasn't pregnant (Though I "might" have been to quote the dr.) My husband didnt speak for a few days ... it was devastating to us both. We got back on the horse ... another year of trying. Because I was in Japan for several years I didnt find out I had PCOS until this last March. I've been on Clomid since. Finally at 300mg I'm ovulating normally and regularly, but still its been 6 months of it with no baby.
In the time that we have been trying, my younger brother has had 2 accidents by 2 different women. My sister-in-law had a "accident" last year which about killed me inside reading her FB post about how she "never asked for this" and cursing ever ache and bump in her pregnancy. My husband actually ended up de-friender her and refusing to speak to her a whole year, because it killed him so much. My cousin has had 2 "accidents" and my best friend had one too. I was so bitter when my bestie called to tell me she was preggy, and I told her to not bother being happy about it till the dr told her otherwise and promptly hung up. Something that still plagues my heart with guilt (I love her and her daughter dearly).
I read a really great article once about long-term couples TTC. It described the process the same as grief from death, exspect it doesn't happen once, you morn and move on, but every single month. I feel like this is spot on, every month I get hopeful only to get crushed. On days my AF comes, I lock myself in the bathroom and weep. Honestly, after 4 years I find it takes a huge amount of effort and energy to stay positive and hopeful, but I have to remind myself that giving up will ensure that we will be doomed to never be parents. I really believe that positive thoughts can make a difference.

Life is quite unfair isnt it? Granting miracles to those that dont want it, and shunning us that try so hard.
Hang in here, think good thoughts. I'm sure it will happen when its meant too. This is my mantra.
I'm praying we all get a baby for Christmas.

 

[youngmommy26]

I just got done reading all your ladie's posts and I am sitting here in tears. It's got to happen for us, it just has too! Just remember, when it does happen for us, that child is going to have so much love coming at them it's going to be over flowing out their ears! We WILL get our baby! My new years resolution is to try to not be so negative all the time and just know that good things will come to me. All you ladies have inspired me,

 

[babybumptobe]

This post is exactly what I needed today. I am right there with you. I haven't been trying for years, but for several months. I have had a few friends get married and get pregnant right away off of BC. But then there is me who is trying, wants a baby and nothing is happening. Heck I can't even figure out my cycle because it is so erratic. Then I get the "oh it will happen when god wants it to", "you will get pregnant, just stop trying and it will happen", etc. It makes me feel worse and that stresses me out. Trying doesn't. Trying is fun and everyone else is making me feel worse. My friend who has PCOS hasn't been trying but hasn't been preventing for 2 1/2 years just told me today that she is pregnant. She has been talking to me about it for months about wanting to get pregnant right after she gets married (she was to get married in October 2014, but moved it to May 2014 due to her positive test), and now she has the nerve to try to give me advice today about not trying to hard, it will happen, I am stressing myself out, god will give me a baby when he thinks we are ready, we just aren't ready yet, etc. That makes me stress out and be upset. When will it be our time?

 

[LetItBeABaby]

I wish I could find the storknd give him all of our addresses. Maybe send him directions too be cause it seems he keeps getting lost and going to the wrong house. I hate that so many women struggle with this. I know our times are coming. We just have to keep trying and keep hanging in there. WE CAN DO THIS LADIES! YOU get baby dust! YOU get some baby dust! EVERYONE gets baby dust! I feel like Oprah!

 

[youngmommy26]

I wish I could find the storknd give him all of our addresses. Maybe send him directions too be cause it seems he keeps getting lost and going to the wrong house. I hate that so many women struggle with this. I know our times are coming. We just have to keep trying and keep hanging in there. WE CAN DO THIS LADIES! YOU get baby dust! YOU get some baby dust! EVERYONE gets baby dust! I feel like Oprah!

YES WE CAN! Oprah

 

[Amy_Nicole]

"you will get pregnant, just stop trying and it will happen"

Everytime someone says this crappy line to be I reply with "Image you have been training for the Olympics your whole life long. Then you get to the try outs, and your not picked. The next time the try outs come around, do you really expect them to not try?
No? Then how do you expect me to stop trying when I've prepared my whole life to be a mother, and its not happening.

It usually shuts them up. I really hate being told to stop trying, and stop stressing, as if we dont know what stress does.

 

[Yo_Yo]

Sending you baby dust.