I really need encouragement from my TTC friends..DH dropped a bomb..

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive' started by Mama4, Aug 20, 2009.

  1. Mama4

    Mama4 Mommy to 5

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    Well I am at work and unable to concentrate on anything at all. Im trying to function on about 2 hours sleep.

    Last night turned into something so awful I didnt imagine...I've been plannin since cylce day 1 that starting last night would be the Big "romantic" week/weekend" as O is approaching - been very excited about it. Was quite vocal with the DH last night about my intentions long story short, came time for BDing and he suddenly "wasnt in the mood"

    This on top of weeks of him being a bit aloof and distant. Nothing I've been able to pinpoint exactly but its been there. Ive felt him pulling away. Anyway, I found myself furious that he would suddenly "not be in the mood" on the very night I've been looking forward to for 2 weeks nearly. I blew up at him big time... He got up from bed, laid his wedding band on the dresser and said he wants a divorce. I am completely numb, stunned, shocked, devastated- just stupified really.

    He listened to me wail and sob for a bit without offering any comfort nor explanation other than "he just doesnt feel me anymore" WHAT THE F? Finally after I exhausted myself crying and puking and begging him to say he didnt mean it...I laid down and tried to let go enuf to sleep. He then pulls me close and says "of course I want to be married to you or I would not have gone through with it" I am so hurt and confused. I only slept an hour or two at the most.

    Got up this morning, woke him for work. His ring was still on the dresser, I didnt know what to do, I got it and slipped it back on his finger while he "pretended" to still be asleep tho I knew he was awake enuf. He hugged me a couple times - never ever said he was sorry for ripping my heart out or making have a mini stroke (its what this numbness feels like) He simply said "I will think about you alot today. And I wont take this off anymore." Then he left. He has since sent me a text message saying "Love u baby. I wont leave u. Im still here. Dont stress today."

    I know this is out of control and long as hell. If anyone happens to read thru this I sure could use some words of encouragement. This was supposed to be our romantic weekend with no kids coming up and now I feel so belittled and deflated and unwanted. His attitude towards me was so indifferent when I was breaking to pieces in front of him - I still feel lost and like he did mean what he said - if he really loved me could he possibly be so cold hearted and unfeeling? Ive been so stupid thinking he meant his promises and he really wanted a baby with me....now I feel like he doesnt really even like me and my marriage may be over...

    Just had to get this out- thought it might help me get through this hellish day a bit better somehow.
     
  2. calm

    calm Well-Known Member
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    Didnt want to read and run, big hugs, I would defo have a good long chat with him,

    thinking of you xxx
     
  3. sh77

    sh77 Guest

    Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry that you had to experience this :hugs: :hugs:

    You say that he has been distant with you for a while. Can you think what changed in your relationship when he started being like this?
     
  4. Mrs_N

    Mrs_N New mummy

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    :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

    it sounds like he is a bit overwhelmed. i think you guys need to sit and have a good long talk - if he's not very good at talking (like most men!) get him to write a letter with all those things that he wants to say but can't. it may be that there is something quite simple that he just can't explain face to face, and writing it down may help you both to understand what is going on.

    :hugs:
     
  5. DragonMummy

    DragonMummy Well-Known Member

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    Oh shit hun, I know you'd said things were a bit tense recently but i didn't realise things were that bad.

    So where are things at the moment? Will be on FB later if you want to chat. From about 2000 uk time (so maybe 1500 for you?) hugs and lots of love. xxx
     
  6. RedRose

    RedRose New mum :)

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    Wow that's a lot to take in :hugs:

    Has this come out of the blue?
     
  7. Mama4

    Mama4 Mommy to 5

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    The first thing I thought of was maybe TTC! Its something I want badly and I think he is kinda along for the ride like so many men. He agreed to me going off the pill, but has never acted really excited about it. I know thats pretty normal for guys. Both of our jobs have been quite stressful since early June-with the added stress of the kids being home out of school for summer- just the normal stresses that life can bring at times.

    I guess I should be ok since he said this am he'd never leave me afterall. But WOW the nerve to break me down so far like he did and then turn around with a nonchalant "oh didnt mean it" makes me feel ALL mixed up and like I really deserve better than that! I know Im just so tired right now Im not thinking well. :nope:

    Thanks so much for taking a minute to offer advice - I felt so alone all through the night while trying to understand and comprehend how he could be so ice cold. I suppose I will try to talk to him later, but I often think thats part of the problem with us. I do all the talking, he half ass listens and never really gives me clear answers or even a response at all! His communication skills leave a lot to be desired to say the least.

    Sorry,
    Rant over...
     
  8. smileybird

    smileybird A tiny bit pregnant

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    Sending you ((HUGS)) hun, sounds like you definitely need to have a chat. Perhaps he's a bit overwhelmed with things like Mrs N said. Sometimes men don't deal with their feelings in the best way. Hope everything works out ok x x x
     
  9. tinybutterfly

    tinybutterfly Proud Mommy

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    is there alot going on in your lifes beside having another baby?
    because i've dropped a similar bomb on my bf, right after O-day and all of a sudden i was
    overly emotional and doubting everything... we have alot going on... i need to find a real job,
    we're searching for a house to buy and ttc, all the changes, sometime's it's just too much
    and we work it out on the one we love the most...
    maybe something going on at his work he's not been telling you about? stressy new project or so, collegues issues,...

    i felt awful the day after and we made up the moment he got home (well, shortly after)

    i really hope it's just a "i-completely-lose-every-rational-bit-i-ever-posessed-moment"
    and he manages to tell you what is wrong exactly
    (((hugs)))
     
  10. Mama4

    Mama4 Mommy to 5

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    Hi L.
    Thats just it, I had no idea things were that bad either? Im seriously stunned. He said today (though without much emotion or sincerity) that he will not take off his ring again and he will not leave me. He told me not to stress today. He may as well have told me to grow three heads and fly away!

    I may get to FB later this afternoon, evening. I plan to try my best to talk things over with him and try to be patient and not lose it. Mostly I just keep feeling like Im gonna spill over with tears that I cant stop. :cry:

    His words are right there in my ears ringing out loud. "He just doesnt feel me anymore" If you only knew all the complete bullshit I've stood by him through you'd probably be trying to hire a hit man right this min to take his ass out! My sister is ready to kill him with her bare hands. :growlmad:

    Thanks for thinking of me!!!! We'll talk later when I have more to share - if anything.... Thanks for the :hugs:
     
  11. BABY76

    BABY76 Trying for first

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    I'm so sorry :hugs:
     
  12. Mama4

    Mama4 Mommy to 5

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    Thanks! I am very good at writing things down myself. I am not sure he'd even try. He is your classic "wont talk about it to save his life" kind of man. I appreciate your :hugs: and will try to see if he'd be willing to at least write down ideas or thoughts even if not a coherent "letter" so to speak.
     
  13. Mama4

    Mama4 Mommy to 5

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    He has been stressed and growing more distant. But when I've tried to ask him why he denies it and makes me feel like Im overreacting - but I know what I have been feeling - he's been pulling away from me for a bit now...
     
  14. tinybutterfly

    tinybutterfly Proud Mommy

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    oh and i wanted to add to my previous post...
    if it's coming out of the blue like you said... it's probably existing stress factors plus
    the fact that, when you're under stress, the most idiotic things might start to work on your system too,
    just little things you do or don't do
    (i was mad for him wearing very old tshirts and not be in shape...wtf, i don't really care normally)

    hope i make sense
     
  15. Mama4

    Mama4 Mommy to 5

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    Tinybutterfly and Smileybird

    Thanks ladies.. I also hope that he just had a "completely lost it" kind of reaction to me being so disappointed about our night. I did tell him that I was really sorry for being so upset that he refused me. I told him I felt rejected and kinda let down as he KNEW I'd been trying to plan a BD session.
    You also need to know that this man may be the horniest man on earth, therefore, it felt a bit like he was rejecting me on purpose out of some kind of spite...childish, I know, but he works this way at times. Most men do...my reaction was definitely ME having a "ive had it" moment because his rejections have been building up and becoming more frequent - not just in the bedroom. I mean little things, like no messages during the day anymore...no conversation in the evenings much - seems he is newly fond of spending his evenings in the yard talking to his friend who lives next door...or playing video games and completely ignoring me - I mean blatantly ignoring my voice if I speak or ask him something...like he's zoned completely out at times.

    I know I am rambling, please forgive. Thanks for your kind words - its helping me get out of my funk a bit and thats really what I needed!
     
  16. Mama4

    Mama4 Mommy to 5

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    haha!! Yes, you make perfect sense! I really hope that he didnt mean the hurtful things he said and he is just really stressed about other things and taking it out on me....
     
  17. mommy43

    mommy43 isabel's mummy

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    hun im so sorry mines the same when it comes to feelings he'd rather chew his arm off!! they do that silent moody routine n then say its nothing but u really need to talk try n explain how much what he said hurt you n there must be something that made him say it something bothering him alot of men do find their feeling hard to express it may take a while to get it out of him a few week if hes anything like mine lol hugs to you hun x
     
  18. achekh8707

    achekh8707 TTC #2

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    DH and I have had this exact thing happen, or similar things, SEVERAL times. Let me just say, I'm sorry you had to feel what that feels like. In our situation, it was a lot to do with communication. We are both extremely "closed" people, and it makes for a big blow up every now and again. After nearly three years of this and wanting to try for another baby, we decided in April to begin seeing a marriage counselor. It was something that we were both very skeptical of, but at least on my end, it was the last straw - that, or we were over, period. When DH found out how serious I was and how much those huge blow ups were really bringing me down beyond repair, he agreed to go with me. I thought he would sit there like a rock and not speak, but it has turned out to be the VERY best thing we could have EVER EVER EVER done. I never thought I would be such an advocate for something like that, but really, I say give it a shot. We are a zillion times stronger because of it. Again, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. If there's anything you would like to chat about, please feel free to PM me!
     
  19. mrphyemma

    mrphyemma 2DS, 1DD, 1 Angel baby

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    Hope you get things sorted out. Men can be such selfish idiots sometimes. Big hugs your way xxxxxx
     
  20. Mama4

    Mama4 Mommy to 5

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    hahahahaha! Chew his arm off! hahahaha! Thanks so much, I really needed that! I am now picturing my DH chewing his arm to shreds because he is EXACTLY like that! Silent and moody is the way he is about 90% of the time. Its a wonder I ever fell for him to begin with based on that! Thanks so much for the hugs, I am feeling lots better! :hugs:
     

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