I really need some friends please...

[Rainbowpea]

Hi,

I am writing on here because I feel so sad and alone at the moment. I had a MMC in November 2009 and since then have been really struggling to cope. I have a DD who was just three and try to get on with life for her sake but feel like I am swimming against a really strong tide.

Everytime I have a quiet moment, like I am in the bath, driving or my DD is having a nap I am thinking about the baby I lost. I then cry and get all depressed and feel like curling up in a ball and doing nothing. I have no motivation at all.

We have been TTC since the miscarriage but no luck. I think maybe if I was pregnant again I would feel better? Anyway, my friends have all disappeared so I have no one to talk to. They were good for about a week after the miscarriage but now don't talk to me or invite me out and bitch about me behind my back for not wanting to go to big dinner parties. I have one good friend who told them how hard I was finding it and my husband also told one of them how difficult it has been for us but they still have not bothered.

It really got to me today and I told them I didn't want to see them anymore, I just can't handle being upset about losing the baby as well as being upset about losing them too. I also found out one of them is three months pregnant and has told everyone but us. I know it sounds harsh but I don't think I can handle all the baby talk without cracking up.

To top it all off we can't try this month as I need my wisdom tooth taken out and don't want to risk anything with painkillers etc or am I being silly there?

Sorry to waffle on I just really need someone to talk to.

x

 

[kanga]

sorry you are so down hun and especially sorry about your loss.

Its a shame your friends have deserted you. It appears like your pregnant friend was trying to protect you by not telling you her news and that shows that she cares about you

It seems a shame your friends have not picked up that you are still hurting, can you try talking to them explaining how you feel. It seems you may have lashed out saying you dont want to see them again. Ive done this before and only grown to regret it. I would get bac in touch if you can, even if its just a short email message.

I have crying moments too about my mmc, i think its normal and expected. How are you 'trying' at the moment. Owuld temping/opk/CBFm give you a focus?

hugs to you hun x

 

[Smiler79]

Hi Rainbowpea

I Know exactly how you feel. I had a miscarriage in OCt 09 and have not had any success since. Some days I can cope ok and other days it is really hard.

In fact next Saturday I am due to go to leaving drinks fo rmy best friend who is about to go round the world for a year. Thing is another friend is goign who is three weeks ahead of where I should be if I was still pregnant. I dont think I can bear seeing her with her bump but dont want to let my other frien d down.

feel free to PM me if you want to chat in more detail.

Sending you a massive hug xxxxxx

 

[peggy]

Hi,

Just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel. I also have recently had a MMC and have a 3 year old DD. People just sometimes don't know what to say and if they have never been through a MC themselves its really hard to understand the overwhelming grief that you are feeling. The pregnant friend was probably worried she would upset you by telling you her news. I try to keep myself positive by thinking of the beautiful DD we have been blessed with and by thinking of other good things to look forward to, holiday, birthdays etc.

Hope you are feeling better soon x x x

 

[Jem88]

HI, i was like this after my mc, it took me a year to stop feeling the way you do, in that time 2 of my cousins were preg & gave birth and i haven't seen 1 of thems baby in real life, the 2nd i went an seen and didnt kno how i was gonna react but i was okay, i actually suprised myself at how calm and okay i was, and i wasnt sure how i'd feel about seeing my OH's sister pregnant but i was okay aswell, i guess it just takes time, and some people take longer to greive than others. this prob wont help but you've already got a lovely DD so you can and will get pregnant again and have another healthy baby in time

 

[Rainbowpea]

thank you so much for all these messages in such a short time, it really helps to know that I am not alone.

I have tried before with my friends but I have spoken with them again and I think now they understand somewhat just how upset I am, thanks kanga, sometimes someone just needs to tell me to take a step back and see how they are seeing things.

I am trying by using ovulation test strips as my periods are all over the place since the MMC it is difficult to know when I am ovulating. I find myself obsessing in the TWW too It is really hard not trying this month too but I just don't want to risk anything.

I know I am lucky to have my daughter and I do try to focus on that and my hubby is very positive so maybe that will rub off eventually!

still not sure what to do about my pregnant friend though I obviously can't do anything until she tells me! It sounds horrible but it makes me feel sick to think of talking baby talk and getting excited with her, I just don't think I can do it. Smiler79 I think the answer is that sometimes you can only think of yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. Although I guess at some point we will have to accept what has happened and start to mix with pregnant people again (although I think this would definitely be easier once we are pregnant again!).

It's nice to get this off my chest.

 

[hb1]

Nope - you're def not alone and all your emotions are totally normal - maybe there's a support group in your area and we're always here of course.

I would tackle each of your friends one at a time - go for a coffee or something and instigate some contact - maybe getting back out there will give you a bit of a boost - you will need to sooner or later so maybe a softly softly approach will be good for you.

My friend gave birth a month after my mc and I met her little girl when she was 4 weeks old - really dreaded it but once I got there it was totally fine and she ( the baby ) was absolutely gorgeous.

Hope you find your happy place soon

hx

 

[housewifey]

Hiya hun, don't worry your not alone. A lot of the girls on here know how your feeling. I had a mmc not long after you in Dec 09 and feel pretty much the same. Empty and most days are a struggle A friend of mines is pregnant almost exactly the same as what I would have been (like a week or two off i think it reealy hurts and I hate to say but i avoid her now, can't quite face her yet. Just focus on the positives in your life right now, i'm sure your daughter will make mothers day pretty special, i'm dreading it myself hun.

Here if you need to talk Take care xx

 

[KandG82]

My friends were like that after my 2nd mc! I just figured they didn't understand. but it still hurts like hell!

 

[Ten]

to you, hon - there were two women I knew who were due right around my time. I lost DD at 32 weeks and congratulated both of them when their kids were born - but they both seem to be more comfortable pretending I was never pregnant. It hurts like hell, but it shows who your real friends are, I guess.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you're feeling. Just take life one day - sometimes even one breath - at a time, and you'll get through it eventually. Don't try to force yourself to feel a way you don't - in my experience, that just makes everything worse.

 

[SmileyShazza]

Just seen this and want to say you are definitely not alone hun.

We found out about our MMC late November 2009, had my ERPC 1st December and have not had any joy in getting pregnant again. I think that if I could get pregnant again it would be able to start trying to move on a bit more. At the moment all I can think about is how I would be 30 weeks and every time we go out and I’m not drinking (trying to give up booze for ttc) I just sit there thinking I should be sat there not drinking because I’m pregnant.

I’m finding it hard as I don’t think OH realises just how much it upsets me even now. We did have a chat a couple of weeks ago and I said that every day I feel like crying because I just want to be pregnant and that there isn’t a day goes past where I don’t think about our baby, I think he was surprised I felt that way still.

At the beginning of the year I was full of positivity as I thought we would get pregnant straight away but as each month passes I am becoming more and more disheartened. At the moment I am feeling nearly as low as I did when we found out about the mmc

 

[sharmaine1234]

oh my god, i know exactly how you feel. ur post has just put it into words the way i would have.
i lost 2 babies when i was 18, since then i have been trying but no luck. im now on my 24th month ttc. i had 4 close girl friends.... all of which are pregnant now. im also not invited out to these "special" events in which they all go to. they have pampering sessions and nights in...which they assume i wiuldnt want to go to because im not pregnant.
also, after my miscariages in 2008, litterally a month after, my best friend caught pregnant. she knew what i had been through but it didnt stop her rubbing my face in it how much of a brilliant mother she was going to be. my other friends shortly followed her.
now there all having babyshowers in the next coming weeks and im not invited to any...just because im not pregnant and "wouldnt get it."
i feel for u so much. i recently took an overdose and am presently ongoing concilling sessions. would this help you? x

and isnt it funny how everyone expects u to get over it in a couple of weeks? all people can say is "everything happnes for a reason... youll be a mother one day..."

 

[whyme]

Hi Rainbowpea - it seems we are from the same city! I had a mmc just four weeks ago. I am still off work and thought I was getting better til i went back to the hospital (UHW) for a followup appointment yesterday. I honestly didn't expect walking onto the ward to have the effect it did, but I ended up in tears - brought it all back - the scan and "procedure" took place there. I was in tears in the waiting room and two other the other girls there started talking to me - both had losses.

Nobody can fully understand how you feel unless they have been through it themselves, and even then people handle things differently. people mean well, but they say the most crap things - it wasn't meant to be, there was something wrong and the best one well at least you have one healthy child - I feel like saying - oh right he is not a consolation prize! This was a baby, a person in his/her own right, his little brother or sister - I have scan, she/he did exist - let me be sad.

Your friends don't exactly sound supportive,but the one who is pregnant, is obviously and very naturally very happy and I would think didn't know how to tell you ( i have couple friends i was dreading telling for similar reasons) - I am not making excuses for her, but if she had told you, you may have (naturally too) found that insensitive - it is a very tricky situation on both sides. It is very normal for you to feel envious/resentful of her, that is human nature. However, all I can say, is when it does happen for you (which i am sure it will) then you will want her to be happy for you.

It is still early days for me too, I have good days and bad days - but I am trying to keep busy - I too have a three year old, so he has been a massive help - keeps me busy and I don't want him to see me upset.

We have booked a holiday - something I couldn't be bothered with, but now that it is booked, is something to focus on and spend quality time as a family.
I have also booked various things, couple shows, have a wedding coming up, just little markers, every month or so so that TTC is not my main focus .

I haven't found it easy doing any of those things, if I sit and dwell, i feel myself getting really low. I think if I didn't have my son, and getting up for nursery with him, i could have quite happily stayed in bed all day.

We hope to TTC after i have my AF.

Like you my OH is very supportive, he put a postive spin on things for me when he says, one day, when you hold our baby, if it wasn't for this happening then that little one would never have been born, as this was our last planned pregnancy.

Allow yourself to grieve, and don't be hard on yourself, forget everyone else, and focus on you. It is times like these you find out who your true friends are. Buton the positive, it also sounds like you have a loving supportive family and ultimately, they are the ones who count. x

erm - think i will stop talking now lol

 

[africaqueen]

sorry u are feeling so low hun.

I think maybe seeing a counseller would be a good thing to help u overcome this as it has hit u very hard and talking can help.

x

 

[Rainbowpea]

thanks everyone for being so supportive. SmileyShazza we lost our babies in the same month and I know how you feel about getting disheartened every month. I try to think that my body is recovering so that when I do get pregnant again it will stick. OH's don't really understand do they? Mine is supportive but he doesn't really get it.

sharmaine1234 sounds like your friends are as rubbish as mine. Today I am trying to be positive about it. They were obviously not proper friends to begin with if they can be so horrible and unsupportive now. Incidently the pregnant friend is the worst and has been having a go about me behind my back and being the most unsuportive so I hardly think she has any concerns for my feelings.

whyme sorry about your loss too. I was in the EPU at UHW too and the same had to go back for a follow up which was just horrid. Brought back all sorts of horrible memories even though the staff are really lovely in that unit. I think I will take on board what you said and try to have little events to look forward to, might take my mind off TTC! One day we will be back in the UHW but we will be bringing our babies home with us xx

 

[whyme]

thanks everyone for being so supportive. SmileyShazza we lost our babies in the same month and I know how you feel about getting disheartened every month. I try to think that my body is recovering so that when I do get pregnant again it will stick. OH's don't really understand do they? Mine is supportive but he doesn't really get it.

sharmaine1234 sounds like your friends are as rubbish as mine. Today I am trying to be positive about it. They were obviously not proper friends to begin with if they can be so horrible and unsupportive now. Incidently the pregnant friend is the worst and has been having a go about me behind my back and being the most unsuportive so I hardly think she has any concerns for my feelings.

whyme sorry about your loss too. I was in the EPU at UHW too and the same had to go back for a follow up which was just horrid. Brought back all sorts of horrible memories even though the staff are really lovely in that unit. I think I will take on board what you said and try to have little events to look forward to, might take my mind off TTC! One day we will be back in the UHW but we will be bringing our babies home with us xx

Yes the staff are wonderful on there, saw the nurse who looked after me and we were both filling up - she cried during the "procedure" too bless her- gave her a card and said I hope its labour ward for me at nine months next time! Cath, the lady who scanned me, said they will willingly give me an early scan next time - just phone them directly and leave it til about 8 weeks.

Sorry, if you felt i was preaching, and it has been hard to muster up the enthusiasm for holidays etc, but now they are booked and I have various dates on the calender, it is easier to look ahead, even though I really wasn't interested in a holiday.

In truth, I could cry thinking about it, but as the girls in the waiting room at EPU said to me yesterday, we have had our bad news, next one will be successful - I really hope so. The doctors at hosp and my GP have been very encouraging and said it is good chance seeing as I already have a healthy 3 year old.

I hope we will conceive sooner rather than later, but in your situation - it is only 3 months too, so still early days.

As for your friend - well if she is the one talking about you behind your back, then GET SHOT! you realy don't need people like that in your life! I spoke on line to an ex work colleague today - she asked how I was, I told her about MMC, she said OMG, so sorry, I asked how she was she replied oh fine - we are trying for a baby - I remember now why she was a work colleague and not a friend - head up her own A***!! I don't need people like that!

 

[whyme]

PS glad your status has improved too!!

 

[Rainbowpea]

That's good to know that they will do an early scan if I call them direct. I had to pay privately to get a scan for my MMC. I was 11 1/2 weeks when I had a tiny bit of spotting on Thursday and they wouldn't scan me until I was 12 weeks the next Monday. I paid for a BUPA scan on Friday which confirmed MMC which was good because on Saturday I went into full labour, proper contractions and everything just like when I had my daughter and 'gave birth' to the baby in the middle of the night. I would have been even more scared had I not known the baby had already died.

I was worried that next time they would not let me have an early scan because it's my first MC so that has reassured me loads thank you!

And yes I agree - get shot of them! it seems sensitivity is just not some people's strong point!

 

[sharmaine1234]

On the 12th day of my cycle now and ovulating...my OH have just been called away to work. oh the joys. xxx