i shouldn't be here

[Biscuitbaby]

I know we're all thinking it

But I want to scream, i want to scream and cry and stamp my feet and have a full on tantrum.. this isn't right. This isn't how it's supposed to go

 

[.hopeful.one.]

I feel the same way! 12 weeks to the day, the day they tell you that baby is safe. And I was home Miscarrying. Such bs! The only thing that helps is knowing that I'm not alone.

 

[Biscuitbaby]

I was 8 weeks...I had a tiny bit of bleeding and went to the hospital where they scanned me and my bean was in my womb...I was told it wasn't a clear picture so they couldn't tell me much but I was to have a detailed scan the following day. An hour later I passed her...it just doesn't seem real....it happened so fast. It was 3 days ago now and it just doesn't seem real. I have 3 other children and I just took for granted this pregnancy would be fine also

 

[.hopeful.one.]

I'm sure it's never easy. This was my first. Passed little love on Thursday, I think I'm still in shock. I have a dr appointment Tuesday to make sure everything came out and I'm terrified. I know I'm going to lose it there. It's just so unfair that we don't even get to meet them. I hear it gets easier in time. We shall see.

 

[Biscuitbaby]

So sorry hopeful one x i had the scan to check what was left...the doctor told me I was lucky it had all seemed to come away....I don't feel very lucky to be honest x
One thing I've learnt the last few days is, it's okay not to be okay x

Huge hugs x from one heartbroken mummy to another x

 

[Fleur828815]

No we shouldn't be fair, it's so cruel... Hope your children are bringing you some comfort Biscuitbaby
.hopeful.one, hugs to you too. Hope your appointment goes well.

 

[LockandKey]

I know exactly how you feel hun I lost my baby at 5 weeks and 2 days. I am a member of a fb mom's group, 4 of them are pregnant, and I was one of them, amongst the 4 I was the only one to experience a miscarriage, they are all still pregnant, they have their symptoms, starting to show, hearing heartbeats, and going in for their appointments. I want to be happy for them, but I just can't, because all I think about is, "that should be me too," but it's not having to read about how their pregnancies are progressing is painful, extremely painful. An ugly side of me comes out and I feel jealous and all I want to do is cry.

 

[Biscuitbaby]

Facebook can be the worst, I've had to deactivate for a while and the two times I've thought I'll have a little look i seen two pregnancy announcements....im just going to stay clear for the moment.

Yesterday I seen an old school friend, who asked where we having anymore children, i literally just walked off in the middle of the conversation I didn't know what to say or how to say anything without a total emotional meltdown in the middle of town.

 

[tankel]

Sorry to hear about your losses. hopeful, I also miscarried on 12 weeks to the day. My sister and I were due just a few weeks apart. Now I have to watch her get big while I wait for this stupid bleeding to stop. I walked by my bathroom this morning and thought: that is where I had my baby. That is where I flushed my baby down the toilet.

 

[Puppylove52]

I'm glad we are all here for each other to vent things we can't say to other people. At my work, there is a girl that is 2 weeks ahead of me in pregnancy.or was. I'm no where in pregnancy now. I get to see her tummy grow while mine is getting flat from d&c. Facebook is driving me nuts bc everyone is pregnant.. And then there's us. All anyone does to me is give me sad faces and ask "is there anything I can do?" and I want to scream yes! Just treat me normal!! Ask me how the weather is. How teaching is going.. What am I doing for valentine's day. I just want a little normalcy....

 

[Fleur828815]

I have a friend who's fallen pregnant by "accident", and she announced her news the day I learnt I might lose the baby. I didn't want to make her feel bad so I never told her about the miscarriage. She's 1 month ahead of my due date, and whenever she complains about being too fat etc, I just want to tell her "at least you're pregnant". I know I'll probably complain too when I'm pregnant, I'm just not very rational at the moment.

 

[tankel]

LOL I threw rational out the window. I am giving myself some leeway to be totally crazy for a little while. Gotta get those feeling out, especially to people who understand.

 

[Fleur828815]

You're right! I don't show this crazy side to everyone in "real life", just DH and a couple of close friends. I don't think you can really understand unless you've been through the same thing.

 

[Biscuitbaby]

I THREW my folic acid into the bin full force. ..then felt stupid and sad i went back to slimming world tonight..basically sat and had a little cry behind my book in the corner and left not telling the consultant im no longer pregnant 😔
Hubby wanted to book a holiday and we everyone says it's a good idea but it feels a bit like a conciliation prize 😩😭

 

[LockandKey]

I THREW my folic acid into the bin full force. ..then felt stupid and sad i went back to slimming world tonight..basically sat and had a little cry behind my book in the corner and left not telling the consultant im no longer pregnant ��
Hubby wanted to book a holiday and we everyone says it's a good idea but it feels a bit like a conciliation prize ����

I went back to dieting full force as well. I have 15lbs left over from when I was pregnant with DS, that was 16 months ago and it still has not went away, ugh! I started eating super healthy and taking Hydroxycut (not something I could take whilst pregnant, so there's that) and exercising 5 days a week at high impact (again, not something I could do whilst pregnant) it's actually a bit of a nice distraction and I kind of look at it like "while all those other pregnant women are gaining weight, I will be losing it." I hope to have everything off by the time we start TTC again. I've never in my entire life been "toned" so I am making it a goal to get there.

 

[tankel]

You guys are the opposite of me. When I was pregnant I ate super healthy but yesterday I ate a huge candy bar for lunch because I had only my health to think about. And then I had a beer, well 1/4 of a beer that made me extremely buzzed! I fell off the fitness wagon big time.

 

[.hopeful.one.]

I set up my fitbit yesterday and i went back to the gym today. I worked so hard and used it as a way to get the frustration out. Then I went back to the apartment & ate ice cream!! I can eat my feelings for a few days so long as I work to get it off right? I don't know anyone who has been through this in real life so aside from you ladies I just have my hubby to talk to.

 

[Puppylove52]

I can't exercise yet until I get the okay bc I love high impact. So I drink wine. Ha! Take that, pregnant ladies.. I get wine whenever I want it! (that doesn't make me feel better.. But I can always pretend )

 

[tcinks]

All anyone does to me is give me sad faces and ask "is there anything I can do?" and I want to scream yes! Just treat me normal!! Ask me how the weather is. How teaching is going.. What am I doing for valentine's day. I just want a little normalcy....

I actually feel the exact opposite. I WANT people to ask how I'm feeling, to sympathize with me. At first I didn't, but now 3 months later it's like everyone has forgotten. Forgotten about our precious baby, forgot about our pain...like we should be "over it" by now, I guess. But I'm sure I'll never be over it...that was my firstborn and I miss him and always will. Both DH and I have sisters who are pregnant/recently had a baby and it's so tough. Friends, too. Babies shoved in our faces..."do you want to hold him?" ummm no, I want to hold my own!

I am so genuinely happy for them, but why not me? I have no close friends or family who have been through a miscarriage, so they just can't understand how I'm feeling. And it's such a lonely place. That's why I'm so thankful for this board. Although I wish no one would have to be here, I'm glad there is a place for this support.

 

[Biscuitbaby]

I've been back to slimming world but I haven't stuck to it lol
We went to Disneyland Paris before Christmas and brought a load of wine back with us. I haven't been able to drink it because I found out I was pregnant Christmas eve so I've been working my way though it... Not thinking of a single syn....im not even a huge cake fan and yesterday I ate a muffin and some cinnamon rubbish....I am defiantly an emotional eater