I know exactly how you feel. What a roller coaster this all is, over and over. We have been trying for about 8-9 cycles (some months we took breaks, but we decided to start trying last May). At this point I am feeling like it will never happen, and my life feels so consumed with it yet so empty too, because it's nothing but BFNs every month. I have bipolar disorder on top of it, so I get very down when AF shows or I test and get a BFN... usually I start to perk up once my O day approaches and for the week or so after, as I am hopeful and eager to see if it's MY month. But as AF day approaches and the "signs" I expect aren't there or fade away, the mood dives into a dark hole. I am starting to think I should stop trying altogether, too, but DH and I decided we can never "win" if we never "play" - so every month when the OPKs start to darken I get obsessed with temping etc. again. It's like an addiction, even though when all is said and done, it just makes me sad and disappointed. Sorry, you caught me on a very down period. AF is almost gone and I am not feeling the energy to want to try this cycle, and DH seems exhausted and distant, too.
thank you my heart!
back to you.
starryjune, I can relate to your feelings so much right now, it sounds like we are both pretty much in the same boat.
I always perk up when it comes to O day too, just because I think "maybe this month is the month for us, maybe we'll get our
!" but then, like you, when AF shows I go extremely down. I give up hope altogether, and say I can't be bothered to keep trying for the heartbreak every month. It is very much like an addiction, you're right. I said this month I couldn't really be bothered to use opks, but I know I'll end up peeing on one when it comes to it!
I've just started to pick myself up again, but it's hard. I've had days of blubbering on and off, not leaving the house in fear of crying publicly, I've just felt like hiding away - the only reason I've tried my best to get out, is that LO loves being outdoors. however, we went to the shop the day AF arrived, I saw a newborn baby and nearly burst into tears, I feel so pathetic and awful, but that is how bad it has got.
OH works away, and if it wasn't for my daughter and my amazing friends, I'd really struggle to see the point. me and OH are getting married next month, and I'm hoping that once me and LO move down to his workplace after the wedding, we'll be in with more of a shot - as I won't just see him at the weekends, we could dtd everyday if we wanted too! (he wishes
) but yeah, I'm just trying to look forward to all of the good things to come, as hard as that sometimes is. I've booked a doc appointment for the end of this month, I'm hoping I'll be able to get some help regarding my mental feelings towards the whole TTC thing and life in general - it's draining me, and I know it's starting to drain OH too. on the plus side, AF is slowing for me today. I hope you're starting to feel a little better.
If you need to rant/vent or anything, feel free to message me at any time.
x