I want the pain of infertility to go away.

Kimiw

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Me and DH have been trying for 6 years and in August I got pregnant but lost the baby at 6 weeks. I felt like it was a really cruel joke to wait for so long just to have it taken from me. I want this pain to go away. All I want is the desire to be a mom to go and never return so that I can move on with my life. I know that sounds so negative, but honestly, I just don't think I have anything left in me. I was on 200 mg of clomid (second cycle) that got me pregnant, but my third round didn't work at all (didn't even produce any follicles). Have any of you ladies hit the breaking point? I just don't know if I have anything left.
 
I'm sorry I'm truly truly sorry! I know its frustrating we've only been trying for about 14 mths but 6 yrs is enough to make you want to lose your hope. But sweetie....you got pregnant and I'm beyond sorry that it ended so quickly and I know it must feel like the cruelest joke ever, but try to look at the other side of it, SOMETHING worked! Perhaps just give it one more year just give your body some time to come back from the mc and stick with it a little longer! if it happened once it can happen again! I know it feels like throw in the towel but I think when you get to your lowest point thats when you really have to dig deeeeep and pull out that last bit of hope you have stored away and keep pushing for your dream sweetie! :hug: x 1000!
 
I'm sorry I'm truly truly sorry! I know its frustrating we've only been trying for about 14 mths but 6 yrs is enough to make you want to lose your hope. But sweetie....you got pregnant and I'm beyond sorry that it ended so quickly and I know it must feel like the cruelest joke ever, but try to look at the other side of it, SOMETHING worked! Perhaps just give it one more year just give your body some time to come back from the mc and stick with it a little longer! if it happened once it can happen again! I know it feels like throw in the towel but I think when you get to your lowest point thats when you really have to dig deeeeep and pull out that last bit of hope you have stored away and keep pushing for your dream sweetie! :hug: x 1000!


Thank you for your kind words. I guess I am still angry and feel cheated. The clomid worked the first cycle (as in I ovulated) and the second cycle also (the cycle I got pregnant) and the third did absolutly nothing. And my RE is cutting me off of it. The next step is injectables, but I don't know if we can afford it. We are trying to hang in there a while longer. We started getting aggressive last Feb 2012, so I think we are going to try and push until atleast Feb of 2013 before giving up. After 6 years, it is just too much. I don't know how some couples who took them 10 years do it.
 
oh its understandable! maybe ask your RE if you can give it a couple more months on clomid because you are reacting to it ,2 out of the 3 months thats awesome! Have you thought of alternatives? acupuncture? something alternative to get you to ovulate? I'm sure in 6 years you've tried everything and I dont want to upset you at all I just dont want to see you lose hope either!
 
oh its understandable! maybe ask your RE if you can give it a couple more months on clomid because you are reacting to it ,2 out of the 3 months thats awesome! Have you thought of alternatives? acupuncture? something alternative to get you to ovulate? I'm sure in 6 years you've tried everything and I dont want to upset you at all I just dont want to see you lose hope either!


Oh hun, your not upsetting me at all :flower:. I did ask if I could try Clomid again but I was denied, I don't know why they won't give me another chance. I think that it was because it was too close to after my miscarriage and my body not reacting like it did before. Plus my first priod after miscarriage was very different. Light, spotty and lasted almost 2 weeks. Maybe it was that? I don't know. I do have some Clomid, I thought about taking it anyway but I don't know if the doctor would like me taking it when he told me not to. It is just so frustrating.
 
oh its understandable! maybe ask your RE if you can give it a couple more months on clomid because you are reacting to it ,2 out of the 3 months thats awesome! Have you thought of alternatives? acupuncture? something alternative to get you to ovulate? I'm sure in 6 years you've tried everything and I dont want to upset you at all I just dont want to see you lose hope either!


Oh hun, your not upsetting me at all :flower:. I did ask if I could try Clomid again but I was denied, I don't know why they won't give me another chance. I think that it was because it was too close to after my miscarriage and my body not reacting like it did before. Plus my first priod after miscarriage was very different. Light, spotty and lasted almost 2 weeks. Maybe it was that? I don't know. I do have some Clomid, I thought about taking it anyway but I don't know if the doctor would like me taking it when he told me not to. It is just so frustrating.

Have you had a lap done? ovarian drilling? I know PCOS is frustrating to deal with as there are so many forms and so many people have totally different symptoms. I'm sorry they wont let you try again! Would you consider IVF?
 
It sounds to me like your body is telling you to take a break. Maybe it would be good for you to take a step back from things for a few months and let your body and soul really recover from all that you've been theough. I always think about the toll (physical and emotion) repeating this same cycle of failure month after month is taking on me. You might find your body is more receptive to treatments after letting yourself not worry about this stuff for a little while.
:hugs:
 
Me and DH have been trying for 6 years and in August I got pregnant but lost the baby at 6 weeks. I felt like it was a really cruel joke to wait for so long just to have it taken from me. I want this pain to go away. All I want is the desire to be a mom to go and never return so that I can move on with my life. I know that sounds so negative, but honestly, I just don't think I have anything left in me. I was on 200 mg of clomid (second cycle) that got me pregnant, but my third round didn't work at all (didn't even produce any follicles). Have any of you ladies hit the breaking point? I just don't know if I have anything left.

I haven't posted much here lately because I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. My DH and I made the difficult decision to stop trying after six painful years. I know exactly how you feel about everything. I don't have anything left in me. I feel lost, so to speak, because I wanted nothing more than to have my husband's baby. I feel lost because I am at a point in my life where I am not sure I want to go through all that pain again. I'm like you. I want the maternal urges I have to go away. I want to stop being bombarded with pregnancy, babies, etc and live my life without getting upset about it. I feel so smothered by the pain that is infertility--especially when I have hit the breaking point. I have cried so much in the last six months since we've stopped. I am actually crying now as I type this response because I know what you are going through. I have no one in my life I can turn to other than my husband. I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for a counselor or therapist to help me sort through my feelings of failure, rejection, and extreme emotional pain. I am so scared that I am never going to be truly happy in life because of all the "what if's..." "What if we kept trying..." "What if we would have gotten pregnant the next month..." etc. I feel like I have let my husband down because my body doesn't want to freakin' work. :cry:

:hugs: to you.
 
I'm sorry I'm truly truly sorry! I know its frustrating we've only been trying for about 14 mths but 6 yrs is enough to make you want to lose your hope. But sweetie....you got pregnant and I'm beyond sorry that it ended so quickly and I know it must feel like the cruelest joke ever, but try to look at the other side of it, SOMETHING worked! Perhaps just give it one more year just give your body some time to come back from the mc and stick with it a little longer! if it happened once it can happen again! I know it feels like throw in the towel but I think when you get to your lowest point thats when you really have to dig deeeeep and pull out that last bit of hope you have stored away and keep pushing for your dream sweetie! :hug: x 1000!


Thank you for your kind words. I guess I am still angry and feel cheated. The clomid worked the first cycle (as in I ovulated) and the second cycle also (the cycle I got pregnant) and the third did absolutly nothing. And my RE is cutting me off of it. The next step is injectables, but I don't know if we can afford it. We are trying to hang in there a while longer. We started getting aggressive last Feb 2012, so I think we are going to try and push until atleast Feb of 2013 before giving up. After 6 years, it is just too much. I don't know how some couples who took them 10 years do it.

As someone who is at the 10 year mark, I'm not sure how I've made it though either.

At this point, I'm 37 years old. I'm at the end of the TTC road. I'm going to give it my best for the next year, and then call it a day. I've spent the last 10 years being angry. After so many years, all of the hormones, pills, shots, etc have taken their toll on my body....particular the IVF. I never felt the same after that. Everyone says 'unexplained,' but I know in my gut that that isn't right. I *know* there is something there that they haven't found.

I started charting again this month (haven't done it in 8 years) and had my first acupuncture appointment last week. Also started vitex under the advice of the acupuncturist. Despite all of the 'normal' tests, she is the first person to agree with me that something is wrong. She thinks it's a hormonal imbalance, which is something that acupuncture can fix.

Is trying acupuncture a possibility for you? I've always been a big believer that science and research would fix my problems and I thought this was hippy-dippy nonsense until I tried it. Out of all the doctors I've seen, she is the only one who I feel has truly 'gotten it'. And look at it this way....this treatment is for *all* of you. It focuses on the entire package instead of just focusing on the ovaries, uterus, hormones, etc.

I'm not going to be able to stop trying and have peace of mind until I feel I've done everything I've possible could, and this is definitely a road I haven't tried yet.

:hugs:
 
I'm 11 years into TTC number 1.... i came to terms with my situation about 4 years, resigned my self to a childless life. It was hard going, but something inside me changed, i can't pin point what, but all of a sudden i realised i was at peace with myself for not fulfilling my dream of becoming a mother... I have cried more tears than friends and family will ever know, I avoided so many friends with children or were PG, was so depressed i could barely function someday's, and I realised infertility was controlling my life. My Ex and i separated eventually while on the ICSI waiting list... i was so consumed by babies i hadn't realised what a control freak he had turned into and how dire my life had got.

My DH (who has 2 boys) was my second chance if you like & will still give it everything we have to achieve my dream, but it no longer consumes my life. Once i know i have given it 100% of everything we have and if it still hasn't happened then my life moves in a different direction. I'm happy with that as we are soul mates, best friends as well as lovers and we have aspirations together that will happen with or without a child of my own x

Don't get me wrong, i still get upset, but more at the red tape that i have to contend with to reach my 100% effort... But each step at a time and eventually one way or another my life will be complete x

i hope you too can find that place one day xx
 
Ladies, this is a heartbreaking thread.

I don't have much to offer, other than :hugs: and more :hugs:

And maybe also second the suggestion for acupuncture. I've been doing it for the past 6 weeks and I *know* it is what made me have the only strong ovulation I have had in the past year. In addition to helping with my hormones, it also helps keep me sane and relaxed. It costs me $4o/week in Australia, which is like treating myself to a nice meal out or a new piece of jewelry or something. So, totally worth it. xoxo
 
Im hitting 6 years too i feel like giving up all the time but im too scared in case i miss my chance..i have secondary infertility i was blessed this time 9 years ago by getting pregnant with my beautiful son on our first try..hubby developed a varecocele and after trying for four years he decided to have it operated on..that was 17 months ago :-( his sperm count is up so thats good but its not happening..we even tried ivf and that emotional rollercoaster nearly tipped me over the edge i seriously wanted to end it all..now im on clomid for six months and if it fails im giving up.i got one child and i know im blessed..i want my life back i want to b the happy woman i used to be..infertility has taken away so much and i refuse to let it take much more x
 
Ladies, this is a heartbreaking thread.

I don't have much to offer, other than :hugs: and more :hugs:

And maybe also second the suggestion for acupuncture. I've been doing it for the past 6 weeks and I *know* it is what made me have the only strong ovulation I have had in the past year. In addition to helping with my hormones, it also helps keep me sane and relaxed. It costs me $4o/week in Australia, which is like treating myself to a nice meal out or a new piece of jewelry or something. So, totally worth it. xoxo


I'm going through all my testing (again!) but come feb next year chinese acupuncture and reflexology is my next natural step... I'm currently on a break as i'm working on a cruise next August and can't sail after 26 wks pg or go with a very little one (should that ever happen!) ! I refuse to let TTC rule my life, hence the decision to take this break and live another dream :) My testing can go on, they will see my body au natural, and hopefully i'll have had my invasive tests done and my body be ready. I'm also losing weight to give my self that 100% chance.

I've read success stories from the chinese Dr i'm going to see and the cost is so low compared to the IUI or IVF route i'll eventually end up on x
 
Kimi, I can relate very closely to you (and the other ladies here). We got the BFP aug 24th and m/c @ 8weeks6days after 1.5 years of ttc. It's not as long as you've been trying but I'm 37 and was diagnosed with poor ovarian reserve. They won't attempt ivf for another 3 months and if we make it to then without a natural BFP, it'll completely drain our banks and put us into debt.
The m/c was devistating, i'm pissed, anxious, frustrated and like you, feel cheated. With less than 10% of a natural BFP (according to the fc) the loss was devistating. Take a step back if you need to rejuvenate your spirit. Baby making shouldn't be a horrific thing as it is for many of us!

Saying all of that, I truly feel there's alot more to fighting infertility than we (or the docs) really know. It took alot of blood tests and $450 at a naturopath doc to find out that i'm very reactive to gluten (bread) and eggs. Being intolerant to foods can build inflammation which can stop you from hosting an egg. Inflamation wreaks havock on your body on so many levels. I also found out i have terrible estrogen dominance and moderately low thyroid. I feel great! Who would have known??? But this greatly reduces fertility & doubles the risk of m/c. I take Vitex & progesterone cream for the hormonal imbalances.

My gf's a nurse, she's always been going on about fighting insulin resistance, her BMI is like 20, she's the last person to worry about it (I've always rolled my eyes at her for being so picky & healthy). But insulin resistance hinders ovulation & contributes to PCOS! So even though i haven't been diagnosed with PCOS, I've smartened up & taken the sugar out of my diet (I use stevia) and supplement with L-Arginine as it acts like green tea, lowers insulin resistance naturally. To each their own but for not ovulating for how many years...now ovulating and giving the diagnosis the middle finger, it's been very worth it!

https://www.naturopathtoronto.ca/PCOS.htm

L-Arginine helps with ovulation:
https://pcosnaturopath.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/new-research-on-pcos-and-myo-inositol/

NAC prevents m/c and I'm going to try it next time (hopefully there is another double line). It's a great antioxidant (will fight cancer, prevent m/c and repair damage cells):
https://www.vrp.com/antioxidants/n-acetyl-cysteine-reduces-recurrent-pregnancy-loss.

I know more now and i'm finally ovulating naturally (roars of glee) but the waiting game is absolutely killing me. I can only offer you :hugs: and hope that you can feel free from the loss from the m/c.
 
:hug: I know how hard this is, I will be TTC 7 years come January. All I con offer as far as advice is to step back from TTC and allow yourself a break when it gets too overwhelming. BD when you feel like it and try not to think about it.

About the clomid, would yor doctor allow you to try femara? I had a crappy response to clomid also but femara has been wonderful. I highly recommend it to anyone who had a bad response to clomid!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
 
Me and DH have been trying for 6 years and in August I got pregnant but lost the baby at 6 weeks. I felt like it was a really cruel joke to wait for so long just to have it taken from me. I want this pain to go away. All I want is the desire to be a mom to go and never return so that I can move on with my life. I know that sounds so negative, but honestly, I just don't think I have anything left in me. I was on 200 mg of clomid (second cycle) that got me pregnant, but my third round didn't work at all (didn't even produce any follicles). Have any of you ladies hit the breaking point? I just don't know if I have anything left.

I haven't posted much here lately because I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. My DH and I made the difficult decision to stop trying after six painful years. I know exactly how you feel about everything. I don't have anything left in me. I feel lost, so to speak, because I wanted nothing more than to have my husband's baby. I feel lost because I am at a point in my life where I am not sure I want to go through all that pain again. I'm like you. I want the maternal urges I have to go away. I want to stop being bombarded with pregnancy, babies, etc and live my life without getting upset about it. I feel so smothered by the pain that is infertility--especially when I have hit the breaking point. I have cried so much in the last six months since we've stopped. I am actually crying now as I type this response because I know what you are going through. I have no one in my life I can turn to other than my husband. I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for a counselor or therapist to help me sort through my feelings of failure, rejection, and extreme emotional pain. I am so scared that I am never going to be truly happy in life because of all the "what if's..." "What if we kept trying..." "What if we would have gotten pregnant the next month..." etc. I feel like I have let my husband down because my body doesn't want to freakin' work. :cry:

:hugs: to you.


I know exactally what you mean. Even my DH said it just hurts so much and we feel like we just don't have much left in us. I feel the same way you do. I love my husband with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have his baby, but my PCOS is making this journey next to impossible. I know I got pregnant but it ended so quick. It was far to painful to go through again and I can't explain it. I want the desire to have children to just go away. I know how bad that sounds, but honestly, I just want to move on and find something else to give us fullfillment. Adoption is not happening for us. My husband is not open to it, and I don't think it is fair to bring an adopted child into our home as a last resort. Adopted children deal with enough emotinal baggage and I don't think it will help for the child to think "they were the last option." I feel that if one wants to adopt it has to be a pure desire of the heart to be an adoptive parent, much like the desire to have ones own. I know I am babbling, we have just thought of everything.
 
thank you all for your responses, that is why I love this place. This is the one place I can go and find so much support. And for those of you who didn't have much advise to give, that is OK!! Just the support of the hugs and kind words is enough to make a difference. I am deeply sorry for you other ladies going through what I am. I know I am not the only LTTTcer. But some days I still feel alone, depressed, and defeated by my infertility. Thank you all again!
 
okay so im a little late on this but reading this whole thread has really lifted my spirits in an odd way. lately ive been wondering when enough is enough. after 5 years without ever having a BFP, im wanting to find a way to stop wanting this. wondering if ill ever stop wanting this. and seeking out way to stop wanting it. its so hard, ive become so angry at circumstances, we just found out i have PCOS 2 weeks ago, why didnt any of the other doctors i had seen listened to me when i said i thought i had it? i wouldnt have to be this old (im 26, i know thats not old but i could have started treatment at 21). metformin made me incredibly sick and i found myself crying and being angry that i have to go through this bull sh*t and everyone else i know doesnt. now im angry because i found out my husband is getting deployed next year...and we dont have much time, and we dont have the luxury of "planning". everything has just made me angry at this point.

so believe me when i say, i know how you feel. and sometimes just knowing that someone else knows your pain helps a whole lot, i know it has for me. im so sick of people telling me to just relax, itll happen, "oh youre gonna make an amazing mother". i just want people to shut up, leave me alone, and not mention anything about any of that to me.

*hugs*
 
Hugs!

I understand how your feeling. I've not been TTC as long as you but I feel the same. Hog pregnant for the first time in August only to miscarry at 6 weeks. It's heart breaking.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You deserve to be a mummy. Ill send you my baby dust!
 

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