If a friend tells your LO off, do you tell them off as well?

[AngelofTroy]

Micah and my friend's little boy are the same age, and they adore each other, however Micah can get quite rough when he's excited and we frequently have to step in to stop his friend getting hurt. (he sort of wrestle hugs him to the floor and occasionally goes to bite, not in anger but a sort of overwhelming display of inappropriate affection).

My friend and I have similar parenting styles and when we see this behaviour we step in and tell Micah it's not nice, or remind him to be gentle, then make a fuss of his friend.

I am completely okay with her disciplining Micah like this, but my question is this, Should I step in and talk to him/remove him myself once I notice she's having to, or is it a bit much for Micah to be told off twice? Yesterday she seemed to be the one who intercepted any incidents, and I felt like maybe I looked like I was just letting Micah get away with it, and I should have reinforced the message.

Thoughts?

It really doesn't help that her little boy laughs when Micah hurts him, so Micah thinks he likes it. I was a bit upset yesterday as my friend said "oh he's just laughing because he's so used to it" I didn't think this was a fair comment, we intercept most incidents I would say and the vast majority are overzealous hugs rather than any sort of attack. Micah is a very physical child and her son is much gentler, but they both adore each other so he can't be that bothered surely?

 

[kirstybumx3]

I get this. I find it difficult because it's just the way Rio is. He is not nasty but very physical and excitable and probably a bit rough.
He sometimes hurts his friends accidentally and in our circle of friends that go to soft play, we would all tell each others children off if they were misbehaving and their mum wasn't first to see, but then the parent wouldn't go and tell off a second time for the same thing. If that makes sense. I think one time is enough.
I think if the LO laughs it can't bother him too much though surely? X

 

[sue_88]

I would reinforce the message but not telling off.

'Did you listen to what X said? It's not very nice to be so rough, you give really great gentle hugs and those are so lovely! Can you give Mummy one? It's nice when we're all so gentle.'

Words to that effect, I definitely wouldn't say nothing. As the parent I see myself as having to make a comment also regardless of whether she's been redirected by someone else.

 

[Zephram]

I wouldn't tell him off twice, no. If he persisted in the behaviour I would point out to him that your friend just asked him not to and that he needs to listen to her. Our LO's need to learn that other adults as well as us as parents also have authority and should be listened to. If you step in right after she says something to say the same thing it could be construed as making what she said not important unless it came from you, which isn't a good message as you won't always be there when he starts preschool, etc.

 

[Amy2701]

A bit different, but my sister and I have two kids each - our girls are 9 months apart and our boys only 7 weeks apart. We're together a lot (live round the corner from eachother) and as you can imagine with 4 toddlers under the age of 4 there's quite a bit of telling off to be done! Lol. My nephew in-particular is a biter - not just to the other kids.. To us mummies too!

If my sister tells my children off I leave it at that. And she does the same if I tell hers off. My daughter has perfected the toddler tantrum and my sister used to find that difficult to deal with, as my niece never really had tantrums. But she's learned that you just have to leave her to have her mini meltdown and wait until she's over it.

 

[jd83]

If one adult already addressed the behavior, I wouldn't address it again right away. I would address it if it continued, though, and tell him that "X's mommy has told him already to stop, he needs to be listening to both you and her when told to stop.

 

[Natasha2605]

I definitely would not give another row but reinforce what's been said.

 

[Palestrina]

Isn't it annoying to have her reprimand your son all the time without giving you a chance to do so? Gosh I don't know, I'd probably talk to her about it but I woudn't know how to without causing a weirdness. I have no problem with someone reprimanding my son, but continually? And without giving me a chance to reprimand him? Sounds sort of controlling in my opinion and I wouldn't feel comfortable. I get the predicament, it's uncomfortable. Kids fight and roughhouse sometimes, that's understandable. But to have an adult reprimanding your child in front of you continuously is not understandable imo.

I would say "listen, next time let me handle him I think he'll understand better if it comes from me."

 

[felix555]

I am not sure why the friend doesn't first give you the opportunity to reprimand him before she does?

In a situation where there is another child playing with my LO and the other child gets a bit rough I would hang back the first time (maybe even the second) to first see if the mom will say something ... if she doesn't then I will say something to stop my LO getting hurt or upset but it would only be because the other mom doesn't bother.

 

[AngelofTroy]

Oh I didn't feel at all that she was taking over, she was watching them more as she's got a 2 month old who she was feeding and then rocking, whereas I was in and out more making coffee, lunch for the toddlers, tidying away toys etc

 

[x__amour]

'Did you listen to what X said? It's not very nice to be so rough, you give really great gentle hugs and those are so lovely! Can you give Mummy one? It's nice when we're all so gentle.'

Agree with this!

 

[Wriggley]

'Did you listen to what X said? It's not very nice to be so rough, you give really great gentle hugs and those are so lovely! Can you give Mummy one? It's nice when we're all so gentle.'

Agree with this!

I agree with this theres no need to tell him off a second time but by making a comment like this shows Micah that you are in agreement with your friend and it also shows your friend that your not just sitting back letting it happen and that you are aware of whats going on

 

[RachA]

I think you need to reinforce that his behaviour is unacceptable.
If you just leave it to your friend then your son is seeing that she doesn't like it but you are ok with it because you haven't said anything.

You don't need to actually tell him off but reiterate that what he didn't wasn't nice.
I'd also try to intercept before your friend does at times.

Another question is-will your son actually bite his friend or not? If he's just being rough but not hurting and his friend is ok with it then I'd pull back a bit.

 

[seoj]

Like mentioned, I'd just reinforce what your friend said. I'm sure her comment was off handed and not meant to be judemental. My LO is verbal- but more gentle and there were time my friends LO was too rough (not on purpose- but she literally just rolled right over my LO not seeng her as she's much taller and still was at that ackward age)- but once they were a bit older, that is no longer an issue. Although they both can bicker! LOL.

I'm the same with my friend though- I don't mind her stepping in and visa versa. we parent similar and love each others kids... so it works great for us!

sounds like you have a good dynamic.

 

[NotNic]

I would reinforce the message but not telling off.

'Did you listen to what X said? It's not very nice to be so rough, you give really great gentle hugs and those are so lovely! Can you give Mummy one? It's nice when we're all so gentle.'

Words to that effect, I definitely wouldn't say nothing. As the parent I see myself as having to make a comment also regardless of whether she's been redirected by someone else.

This!!

 

[emyandpotato]

I think if she'd done what you'd do then no I wouldn't discipline him again. I would try and be the one to step in and talk to him before she does though. If you think he isn't listening to her I'd obviously talk to him myself.

 

[CaptainMummy]

Paige is older, but she had a friend who is 3.5 who is very bossy and doesnt really think about anyone else, its always her way or the highway. She also hits paige sometimes.
I dont hesitate to tell her off, but when I do, she just goes in a huff and makes a face and walks away, so her mum (a good friend of mine) does tell her off again because she clearly hasnt listened (and usually goes straight back to doing what she was being told off for.)
If I knew Paige had listened, I would maybe just remind her what my friend had said and leave it at that

 

[lindseymw]

No I wouldn't discipline again but would reinforce what your friend has said. Sue88's suggestion is similar to what I say in this type of situation.

I would only step in further if my child was repeatedly doing the behaviour and wasn't listening to my friend & me.

 

[Hopefulk]

I'd probably just thank the friend for dealing with it and say I hope her her son is ok. I don't think it's fair to speak to your son twice about one incisent