If you had postpartum depression, please can you share?

[Livebythesea]

In response to a thread in third trimester I am hoping you can help me. I have suffered from major depression every year for the past 5 years. My episodes come from stress (finding out I have fertility issues, financial crisis 5 years ago etc). I've tried 8 years for this baby and came out of my last depression when I heard about my miracle baby.

I am currently in the middle of a divorce from my husband who seems convinced I am destined to be postpartum after baby arrives. I am hoping that because my fertility issues were a big part of my depressions that I won't be postpartum. But I have to be realistic. Medication never helps me, only my situation changing (my finances, my marriage, my pregnancy).

If anyone has been through PPD and could share what helped or didn't help you, how long did it last, if you suffered from depression before etc I would greatly appreciate it.

If you feel more comfortable sending a private message I understand and would appreciate that as well.

Many thanks

 

[aliss]

Big hugs! I don't with this baby but I had it for well over a year with my 1st (horrible colic). I had no history of depression. It's impossible to say if you will have it or not but yes, you would be at higher risk. That being said, there are girls here who had depression before pregnancy and never had it after the birth!

If I went through it again I would make sure to talk about it more!!! I kept it bottled up out of fear of being labeled a bad mother but my own mother had it too (she didn't tell me until I told her about myself) and my best friend too. It's more common than people think but they don't speak up.

With my 2nd, I also made sure my midwife knew about my 1st depression and asked her to keep a good eye on me after in case it happened again.

 

[Livebythesea]

Big hugs! I don't with this baby but I had it for well over a year with my 1st (horrible colic). I had no history of depression. It's impossible to say if you will have it or not but yes, you would be at higher risk. That being said, there are girls here who had depression before pregnancy and never had it after the birth!

If I went through it again I would make sure to talk about it more!!! I kept it bottled up out of fear of being labeled a bad mother but my own mother had it too (she didn't tell me until I told her about myself) and my best friend too. It's more common than people think but they don't speak up.

With my 2nd, I also made sure my midwife knew about my 1st depression and asked her to keep a good eye on me after in case it happened again.

Do you think having a colicky baby made the depression last longer? Did your first have colick for a year? A year is soo long to be down, I know. Any idea why you finally came out of it? So glad to hear you didn't have it with your second.

Think you

 

[iwantabub]

Just wanted to share... I had depression due to some deaths in my family and also some issues around meeting my birthmother (I'm adopted) and I don't have ppd...
Infact I'm the happiest I've ever been... It's hard and tiresome but when I look into my babies eyes it makes all the other worries I have in the world go away...

Your not destined to have ppd.. Don't let your ex or whoever tell you that... Try and be as positive and tell yourself you aren't gonna get it and it can make the world of difference.

I hope all works out for u and bubs

 

[lch28]

I suffered from severe depression and anxiety from the age of 10-18. I dont have ppd now and i am very happy i went back to being depressed for a while after my first daughter passed when she was born at 23 weeks but thats to be expected

 

[lch28]

Also me and my sons father broke up three weeks ago because he was physically violent. I was worried id fall into depression after but i feel better then ever. Shame on your ex for putting it into your mind that your doomed to have ppd!

 

[minties]

I didn't have it with my first, just a little of the 'baby blues'. But I got PND with Sophie.

Like you, I've had what I always called situational depression, where it was a particular situation that made me depressed. So it only got better when the situation improved.

With Sophie, I guess I got depressed because we were so broke. OH lost his job like the day she was born pretty much. Breastfeeding was hurting so much at first, I was so tired, my toddler was demanding, and I felt overwhelmed. I felt like Sophie had ruined all of our lives. I resented her. I didn't even like her. I loved Thomas so so so much, there just didn't seem to be room for Sophie. I'd go so far as to say that I intensly disliked her for a while, which is horrible to think of now - I love her so much it hurts. I even had a very dark moment where I felt like dunking her in a tub of cold water, not to drown or hurt her, but I wanted to shut her up with the shock of the water because she wouldn't stop crying.

As she got older, and we got settled into a better routine, I started to feel better. I talked to my doctor who helped. I tried meds but they did nothing. Talking to people really helped.

As Sophie got older I just totally fell head over heels in love, and I can very gladly say now that I am VERY happy.

P.S it took me 8 years to get Thomas too, so I think I had a special bond with him.

 

[MetalMaiden]

i've had episodes of situational depression in the past 9-10 years and i thought I would get PPD for sure (my DF thought so too) but I didn't get it. Don't stress yourself out! Everyone has hard days especially in the newborn stage (we still do!) but i haven't felt anything like i have in the past. It may not happen

 

[F0xybabe]

I had depression on and off my whole life so I knew I was prone to it. I think I had/have ppd.

Mostly it was the shock of going from no baby to baby. All of a sudden this monster came about and cried and cried and demanded and took and never gave. On really bad nights I wanted to smother her with my pillow so she would stop crying. Even now when she fights sleep I feel very frustrated and sometimes need to ask my parents to watch her while I cry lol

The first night I brought her home from the hospital I cried because I thought I'd ruined my life.

Honestly what helps is getting time away from her. Having my parents watch her while I bubble bath and singalong with Adele as loud as I can. Getting a break by having my mom put her to sleep some nights. Going for a 20 minute drive. Or even being able to nap. At my very worst, a nap usually helped tremendously.

Also even though I think I have ppd, I do feel love for my daughter. I didn't feel a rush of love at first like they say. And it took a long time for it to grow. And I often heard "when she starts smiling you'll feel better" but even then I didn't really. Now she's just barely laughing. But she has little quirks that make me laugh and think she's the cutest. I do really love her now.

In the moment it seemed like my life was over but now it's not so bad. I should probably still visit my doc anyway but until then the things I mentioned above really help

 

[Livebythesea]

Just wanted to share... I had depression due to some deaths in my family and also some issues around meeting my birthmother (I'm adopted) and I don't have ppd...
Infact I'm the happiest I've ever been... It's hard and tiresome but when I look into my babies eyes it makes all the other worries I have in the world go away...

Your not destined to have ppd.. Don't let your ex or whoever tell you that... Try and be as positive and tell yourself you aren't gonna get it and it can make the world of difference.

I hope all works out for u and bubs

Thank you soooo much!

 

[Livebythesea]

I suffered from severe depression and anxiety from the age of 10-18. I dont have ppd now and i am very happy i went back to being depressed for a while after my first daughter passed when she was born at 23 weeks but thats to be expected

So very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Livebythesea]

Also me and my sons father broke up three weeks ago because he was physically violent. I was worried id fall into depression after but i feel better then ever. Shame on your ex for putting it into your mind that your doomed to have ppd!

So sorry you had that experience. I worked for a domestic violence agency for many years and am so glad to hear you're not in that situation anymore. It is so hard to make that decision!

I hope he's wrong! Depression is so awful.

Thank you

 

[Livebythesea]

I didn't have it with my first, just a little of the 'baby blues'. But I got PND with Sophie.

Like you, I've had what I always called situational depression, where it was a particular situation that made me depressed. So it only got better when the situation improved.

With Sophie, I guess I got depressed because we were so broke. OH lost his job like the day she was born pretty much. Breastfeeding was hurting so much at first, I was so tired, my toddler was demanding, and I felt overwhelmed. I felt like Sophie had ruined all of our lives. I resented her. I didn't even like her. I loved Thomas so so so much, there just didn't seem to be room for Sophie. I'd go so far as to say that I intensly disliked her for a while, which is horrible to think of now - I love her so much it hurts. I even had a very dark moment where I felt like dunking her in a tub of cold water, not to drown or hurt her, but I wanted to shut her up with the shock of the water because she wouldn't stop crying.

As she got older, and we got settled into a better routine, I started to feel better. I talked to my doctor who helped. I tried meds but they did nothing. Talking to people really helped.

As Sophie got older I just totally fell head over heels in love, and I can very gladly say now that I am VERY happy.

P.S it took me 8 years to get Thomas too, so I think I had a special bond with him.

Thank you for sharing your experience. You tried for a baby for that long also?! Wow - what do you think worked for you after all that time? I am in awe of anyone caring for two children. I think this will be my only one as I'm 40 and think that financially having two, even if my marriage was good, wood be hard...and finances are a big trigger for my depression. It sounds like you've been through so much but you have come through it with a wonderful story and family. Thank you

 

[Livebythesea]

i've had episodes of situational depression in the past 9-10 years and i thought I would get PPD for sure (my DF thought so too) but I didn't get it. Don't stress yourself out! Everyone has hard days especially in the newborn stage (we still do!) but i haven't felt anything like i have in the past. It may not happen

Oh thank you! I hope you're right!!!

 

[Livebythesea]

I had depression on and off my whole life so I knew I was prone to it. I think I had/have ppd.

Mostly it was the shock of going from no baby to baby. All of a sudden this monster came about and cried and cried and demanded and took and never gave. On really bad nights I wanted to smother her with my pillow so she would stop crying. Even now when she fights sleep I feel very frustrated and sometimes need to ask my parents to watch her while I cry lol

The first night I brought her home from the hospital I cried because I thought I'd ruined my life.

Honestly what helps is getting time away from her. Having my parents watch her while I bubble bath and singalong with Adele as loud as I can. Getting a break by having my mom put her to sleep some nights. Going for a 20 minute drive. Or even being able to nap. At my very worst, a nap usually helped tremendously.

Also even though I think I have ppd, I do feel love for my daughter. I didn't feel a rush of love at first like they say. And it took a long time for it to grow. And I often heard "when she starts smiling you'll feel better" but even then I didn't really. Now she's just barely laughing. But she has little quirks that make me laugh and think she's the cutest. I do really love her now.

In the moment it seemed like my life was over but now it's not so bad. I should probably still visit my doc anyway but until then the things I mentioned above really help

Thank you for your help. I know when depressed I feel nothing for anyone, not even my dog - who is my child, as much as a dog can be. You are so lucky to have your mom to help. Mine passed away a couple of years ago. She always said she though I would be a good mom, so it pains me so much to know she'll never know I finally had a baby and won't meet him.

It sounds like things have gotten better and you know to ask for help, something I'm very bad at doing/asking - but if I'm down there is no way I will be able to care for a child.

Thank you and I hope things continue to get better and you feel even more joy.

 

[onetwothreebp]

I suffered from situational depression on and off all my life and like you, it would only fade when my situation improved or I adjusted. I got really bad depression when my huband got transferred with work and we moved 10 hours away from our families. I found out shortly after that that I was pregnant with a surprise (and admittedly, on my part, unwanted pregnancy. My husband worked long hours and was rarely home, I was sick and anxious and miserable.

After my son was born, I was SO unhappy. I hated my life, I hated my husband, I hated my son. I hated everything and I was not myself, I was such a miserable version of myself. Once my son became a little less babyish and a little more independent (between 12-14 months), I found myself slowly coming back to myself. I am not 100% myself because I have still not fully adapted to motherhood and to be honest, I doubt I ever will. I am not a maternal person by nature, I have to work extra hard at being a good mother.

However, you settle into a routine and into a life and things become okay, even bearable. I'm currently pregnant with a planned #2 and that has already made a difference in how I feel. I am less physically sick, which helps me emotionally. I feel like I am in a good place most days (when I'm NOT thinking and worrying over gender...) and I feel like I can handle things right now.

Don't do what I did - which was withdraw and keep to myself. Be open about your depression to your doctor, your midwife, anyone. Have a support system in place for when you do give birth and you feel the familiar emotins creeping up on you. Have somebody there to keep you accountable, it will make all the difference in the world.

Feel free to talk to me anytime, I know what it is like to be there.

 

[Louise88]

Before my pregnancy I suffered from major depression id been suicidal and had drink problems my ways of escaping it all came from my childhood which il not go into. I did get PND I believe it started the second my daughter was born, a baby I had been excited to meet just seem like mine I used to call her the little person, inside I felt I hated her not loved her, I'd dread her waking up and I'd always pass her to other people as I didn't want to hold/cuddle her i breast fed her and she wanted fed every hour although once a day she would have a 4hr sleep but she'd projectile vomit after every feed (only found out recently she probably had reflux), one night I almost shook her because she wouldn't stop crying I then started planning my escape I had this stupid plan of packing a case while my oh was at work and running away to Spain without my baby of course. I had dark thoughts and wished my baby would disappear I didn't want her.

I few things I can say for me the warning signs of PND were, crying 24/7 and having anxiety attacks, staring into space (literally I used to spend hours staring at the wall, dark thoughts about running away, wanting my baby to disappear, nearly hurting my baby, not wanting to be anywhere near my baby, feeling I was sat in a dark place and couldn't escape, feeling alone and isolated.

It was my oh who told my midwife he was worried about me if he hasn't I hate to think what I'd have ended up doing as looking back I'd turned into this crazy person. I really feel for these woman now that you see on the news who kill there own children then kill themselves because I generally believe PND if left untreated for years could escalate into something terrible as you do loose your mental state.

Like I said Hun look for warning signs if you don't feel right then tell uour doctor or midwife straight away also listen to your family they will probably notice something's wrong with you so if they tell you their worried about you don't tell them your fine simply ask them why their worried because they could be picking up on something your not.

 

[Livebythesea]

I suffered from situational depression on and off all my life and like you, it would only fade when my situation improved or I adjusted. I got really bad depression when my huband got transferred with work and we moved 10 hours away from our families. I found out shortly after that that I was pregnant with a surprise (and admittedly, on my part, unwanted pregnancy. My husband worked long hours and was rarely home, I was sick and anxious and miserable.

After my son was born, I was SO unhappy. I hated my life, I hated my husband, I hated my son. I hated everything and I was not myself, I was such a miserable version of myself. Once my son became a little less babyish and a little more independent (between 12-14 months), I found myself slowly coming back to myself. I am not 100% myself because I have still not fully adapted to motherhood and to be honest, I doubt I ever will. I am not a maternal person by nature, I have to work extra hard at being a good mother.

However, you settle into a routine and into a life and things become okay, even bearable. I'm currently pregnant with a planned #2 and that has already made a difference in how I feel. I am less physically sick, which helps me emotionally. I feel like I am in a good place most days (when I'm NOT thinking and worrying over gender...) and I feel like I can handle things right now.

Don't do what I did - which was withdraw and keep to myself. Be open about your depression to your doctor, your midwife, anyone. Have a support system in place for when you do give birth and you feel the familiar emotins creeping up on you. Have somebody there to keep you accountable, it will make all the difference in the world.

Feel free to talk to me anytime, I know what it is like to be there.

Thank you very much. I too never felt very maternal. It was only after years of trying for a baby that I really longed to be a mom. Congratulations on #2! This one will probably be it for me. Hoping it's easier this time around.

Thank you

 

[Livebythesea]

Before my pregnancy I suffered from major depression id been suicidal and had drink problems my ways of escaping it all came from my childhood which il not go into. I did get PND I believe it started the second my daughter was born, a baby I had been excited to meet just seem like mine I used to call her the little person, inside I felt I hated her not loved her, I'd dread her waking up and I'd always pass her to other people as I didn't want to hold/cuddle her i breast fed her and she wanted fed every hour although once a day she would have a 4hr sleep but she'd projectile vomit after every feed (only found out recently she probably had reflux), one night I almost shook her because she wouldn't stop crying I then started planning my escape I had this stupid plan of packing a case while my oh was at work and running away to Spain without my baby of course. I had dark thoughts and wished my baby would disappear I didn't want her.

I few things I can say for me the warning signs of PND were, crying 24/7 and having anxiety attacks, staring into space (literally I used to spend hours staring at the wall, dark thoughts about running away, wanting my baby to disappear, nearly hurting my baby, not wanting to be anywhere near my baby, feeling I was sat in a dark place and couldn't escape, feeling alone and isolated.

It was my oh who told my midwife he was worried about me if he hasn't I hate to think what I'd have ended up doing as looking back I'd turned into this crazy person. I really feel for these woman now that you see on the news who kill there own children then kill themselves because I generally believe PND if left untreated for years could escalate into something terrible as you do loose your mental state.

Like I said Hun look for warning signs if you don't feel right then tell uour doctor or midwife straight away also listen to your family they will probably notice something's wrong with you so if they tell you their worried about you don't tell them your fine simply ask them why their worried because they could be picking up on something your not.

Thank you for telling the above. The is so much pain and suffering with the illness and I am so grateful for all who have shared. If this type of depression is anything like my past ones I will probably be staring at the wall, feeling totally disconnected from the world, a shell of my former self and will be in total despair. My husband has gotten information on a nanny service in the area in case I am not well, not that we can afford it but it will have to be done if I am unable to care for myself, much less a baby.

Thank you for your post

 

[aliss]

Big hugs! I don't with this baby but I had it for well over a year with my 1st (horrible colic). I had no history of depression. It's impossible to say if you will have it or not but yes, you would be at higher risk. That being said, there are girls here who had depression before pregnancy and never had it after the birth!

If I went through it again I would make sure to talk about it more!!! I kept it bottled up out of fear of being labeled a bad mother but my own mother had it too (she didn't tell me until I told her about myself) and my best friend too. It's more common than people think but they don't speak up.

With my 2nd, I also made sure my midwife knew about my 1st depression and asked her to keep a good eye on me after in case it happened again.

Do you think having a colicky baby made the depression last longer? Did your first have colick for a year? A year is soo long to be down, I know. Any idea why you finally came out of it? So glad to hear you didn't have it with your second.

Think you

Yes, I think it was the colic. It was a year because it was more a cause from his acid reflux, a screaming baby nonstop is just horrible to bear. I came out of it when he stopped crying all day