IL's coming to stay when I'm due.

anita665

Mum of 2 & expecting 3rd
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I'm not really complaining because I don't think it's a bad thing. I even suggested it because DH was desperate to see them and I didn't want DS being taken out of school to go there.

I'm just.... nervous.

It will be good having someone who can help take care of the boys when I'm in labour and to help out with them afterwards too so that I can rest. The part I'm worried about though is that things are always done their way or no way. I'm concerned that they will constantly want to hold the new baby when that bonding time means the world to me. They have a habit of vanishing on super long walks without saying anything and we've had arguments about it before. No new mum (even 3rd time around) wants their newborn vanishing for an hour or more.

Also I'm concerned that I will have to constantly be around them before and after the birth. I really value my privacy and alone time and at that stage of pregnancy/just after the birth I think I will go mad always having to cater for someone. I know I will be told they are here to help and I won't have to do anything but they say that every time and every time it's about running around after them.

When I suggested it I thought it would just be for a few days (they're coming for Christmas & I'm due boxing day) but DH has invited them for 10 days.

:dohh: I feel like I'm being unfair....
 
eeek! Yeah 10 days is defo too long! Think that would make me go insane too!!
I suppose you just have to try to be tough, I NEED bonding time. DO NOT take baby away with out asking etc.
Good luck
xxx
 
10 days sounds like alot to me too, especially if they make you tense. I think it was inconsiderate of your husband to decide to invite them for that long without consulting you. You both need to be on the same page, especially when it comes to such an important time in your lives.

Please don't feel guilty for not wanting them there. You are entitled to your feelings and in your case, it is very reasonable and understandable. Try to have more conviction in yourself and demand to be heard ... You and baby are the most important people in this equation :winkwink:
 
DH has been wanting them to come for Christmas and New Year for ages so this is a really big deal for him. I know that even if I ask that they only stay a week he will go mad. There will be no changing his mind over this & he will just keep throwing it back at me that it was my idea to invite them for Christmas anyway and we don't see them often.

The annoying thing is that he will be working most of the time and will only have three days off so it will be down to me to keep them entertained.
 
Is there any other family they can go stay with for a couple of days?

My sister is coming over from Australia, just after christmas and new year, and goes back the 11th(I'm due the 5th January). And I can't wait, as she'll get to meet my little one before she goes home(hopefully!) and she was originally going to stop with us, but since finding out I'm pregnant and due when she's here, so has said she'll stop with my mom,sister and friends just to make it easier for us.

Atleast you're in-laws can meet the new member of the family! But understand what you mean about them disappearing for hours on end, you'd be constantly making sure baby is where baby should be.
 
We are the only family for them around here. They're from France & we are in England. This is the longest they ever will have been to stay.

I'm hoping it won't be as bad as I think but I see myself getting stressed (which happens every time they stay) and then arguments happening between myself & DH.

Also this is our last baby & I will be gutted if our time with our newborn is ruined.
 
You might not have given birth by the time they leave or you might have baby before they arrive. Try not to worry. Maybe set out some ground rules in advance.
 
Have a typed routine on the wall for the boys say can be flexible on xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day but other than that this the routine and am pitching in grandparents to help make it get followed and not be hoodwinked by white lies from the boys etc you dont want 2 weeks of candy as everyone will suffer.
say i will focus on the newbornas its my last and bonding is so important - be firm and stick to it. Make sure you have ccoked and frozen your own meals and have done a big shop before they come and cut them a set of their own keys .... then tell them to pitch in and get on with their own meals, washing, washing up etc as you will be focusing on the newborn. They can take the boys for long walks - leave a note but you will be focusing on the newborn
Be repetitive and mantra like, be inflexible with those things and say if they feel uncomfortable with that arrangement then as adults am sure they will just deal with it afterall its only 10 days and obviously you are not gonna be rushing round entertaining them. I would also put instructions on how everything works washing machine dishwasher etc the kids likes dislike etc pinned up high on everything so it is clear dont come and bug me every few minutes and dont expect me to repeat the same things everyday nor get exasperated and do it myself. You are here to help so help THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
good luck!
 
when I had my daughter last year we had everything planned, my parents to look after my son while I went in to be induced, and between them and my partner, after the birth he would be with them to allow my partner the time at the hospital in the day and then he would go home after later visiting at tea time with my partner. it was all perfectly in place and I felt relaxed and happy and content.

Then my partners mother booked a flight off her own back to come over the day after baby was born, my partner didnt ask me and just let her go ahead, not much he could have done though!!!! So she was in my sons face who was already sensitve, my partner was too busy running his mother around to shops and stuff so he couldn't spend time at the hospital with me or his first child, he missed her first bath, her first examination, I was angry and upset, what should have been a special time was just pushed aside for his mum... I had a complicated c-section, which prolonged my after care and healing process, I was emotional down and spent half my days in between visiting times watching other dads come and go.

when he did come in she was with him and went on constantly about wanting to pick baby up, which I put my foot down over cause baby was cluster feeding a lot at night so when she slept I didn't want her disturbed because it gave me chance to relax.

My partners remaining family back home were furious she came over the way she did without waiting to be invited or told it was ok. It caused tension and heartache, and a few heated rows. In fact I've made it quite clear how selfish her attitude was while she was over it was all about her, her granddaughter, she didn't care about the fact it was her sons first child. Or the affect on her going on that way had on my son.

To be honest I won't have family staying now, I like my privacy and my space, and to be honest when a baby is born, it is a special time for you and your family, ie your partner and any other children you have. Our parents have had their special times. I am due with number 3 in December, I am having a planned c-section and I have made it more than clear this time on how it will be, and what will happen. & his mother has been told she can not come over! harsh but I don't want her here.

I would have your family stay somewhere else, it's going to be busy enough and that way they are not in your home permanently and you may get some space, and I think you need to tell your other half how you feel.

My other half got it so wrong, put his mum first cause he didnt want to upset her but upset me in the process. he realises now how wrong he was too.

good luck, families are not easy, but I just wanted to share my story with you. If you don't do what is comfortable for all, it could cause unnecessary tension and upset for you, at what is an already emotional time xx

xx best wishes xx
 
Then my partners mother booked a flight off her own back to come over the day after baby was born, my partner didnt ask me and just let her go ahead, not much he could have done though!!!! So she was in my sons face who was already sensitve, my partner was too busy running his mother around to shops and stuff so he couldn't spend time at the hospital with me or his first child, he missed her first bath, her first examination, I was angry and upset, what should have been a special time was just pushed aside for his mum... I had a complicated c-section, which prolonged my after care and healing process, I was emotional down and spent half my days in between visiting times watching other dads come and go.

when he did come in she was with him and went on constantly about wanting to pick baby up, which I put my foot down over cause baby was cluster feeding a lot at night so when she slept I didn't want her disturbed because it gave me chance to relax.

My partners remaining family back home were furious she came over the way she did without waiting to be invited or told it was ok. It caused tension and heartache, and a few heated rows. In fact I've made it quite clear how selfish her attitude was while she was over it was all about her, her granddaughter, she didn't care about the fact it was her sons first child. Or the affect on her going on that way had on my son.

To be honest I won't have family staying now, I like my privacy and my space, and to be honest when a baby is born, it is a special time for you and your family, ie your partner and any other children you have. Our parents have had their special times. I am due with number 3 in December, I am having a planned c-section and I have made it more than clear this time on how it will be, and what will happen. & his mother has been told she can not come over! harsh but I don't want her here.

I would have your family stay somewhere else, it's going to be busy enough and that way they are not in your home permanently and you may get some space, and I think you need to tell your other half how you feel.

My other half got it so wrong, put his mum first cause he didnt want to upset her but upset me in the process. he realises now how wrong he was too.

good luck, families are not easy, but I just wanted to share my story with you. If you don't do what is comfortable for all, it could cause unnecessary tension and upset for you, at what is an already emotional time xx

xx best wishes xx

This is what I am worried about. They rocked up just days after my first was born & it was TERRIBLE. What I wanted/needed was completely ignored and it was all about them. I ended up back in hospital with a bleed and developed PND too. There is no way I want to go through all of that again but DH is a mummies boy and will do what ever she wants.
 
That sounds wonderful. My in-laws came when I had my son. I love them so much. My father-in-law could only stay a little over a week because he's a teacher and had to get back to work, but my mother-in-law was able to stay a whole month. It was so nice having them around. Sadly, she's been battling cancer, so they won't be able to come out for the birth this time. I'll really miss having them around those early days.
I guess my in-laws are just the best because they catered to me while they were here.
 
My mom is coming for 3 weeks and I'm pretty excited about it. I think I am going to be so nervous and as a first time mom, it'll really help to have her there. That being said, I know she's going to bug the hell out of me at times but I'm really glad that she'll be able to take the baby too and let me rest. Hubby will go back to work pretty quickly, I think, since he's a lawyer and may have court cases he needs to go back to, and we're in a new state and I don't really know anyone here to help me out.

My MIL will probably come for about a week after my mom leaves. I may totally regret saying I'm excited for them to come! lol

Don't feel bad about the way you feel though. I'd be irritated too if my husband didn't go over his mom's plans with me first. I think my situation, for me personally, will be ok because we live so far away from family and this is our first, so they'll want to see him loads before going back cause we don't know when we'll get to visit all together again.
 
Then my partners mother booked a flight off her own back to come over the day after baby was born, my partner didnt ask me and just let her go ahead, not much he could have done though!!!! So she was in my sons face who was already sensitve, my partner was too busy running his mother around to shops and stuff so he couldn't spend time at the hospital with me or his first child, he missed her first bath, her first examination, I was angry and upset, what should have been a special time was just pushed aside for his mum... I had a complicated c-section, which prolonged my after care and healing process, I was emotional down and spent half my days in between visiting times watching other dads come and go.

when he did come in she was with him and went on constantly about wanting to pick baby up, which I put my foot down over cause baby was cluster feeding a lot at night so when she slept I didn't want her disturbed because it gave me chance to relax.

My partners remaining family back home were furious she came over the way she did without waiting to be invited or told it was ok. It caused tension and heartache, and a few heated rows. In fact I've made it quite clear how selfish her attitude was while she was over it was all about her, her granddaughter, she didn't care about the fact it was her sons first child. Or the affect on her going on that way had on my son.

To be honest I won't have family staying now, I like my privacy and my space, and to be honest when a baby is born, it is a special time for you and your family, ie your partner and any other children you have. Our parents have had their special times. I am due with number 3 in December, I am having a planned c-section and I have made it more than clear this time on how it will be, and what will happen. & his mother has been told she can not come over! harsh but I don't want her here.

I would have your family stay somewhere else, it's going to be busy enough and that way they are not in your home permanently and you may get some space, and I think you need to tell your other half how you feel.

My other half got it so wrong, put his mum first cause he didnt want to upset her but upset me in the process. he realises now how wrong he was too.

good luck, families are not easy, but I just wanted to share my story with you. If you don't do what is comfortable for all, it could cause unnecessary tension and upset for you, at what is an already emotional time xx

xx best wishes xx

This is what I am worried about. They rocked up just days after my first was born & it was TERRIBLE. What I wanted/needed was completely ignored and it was all about them. I ended up back in hospital with a bleed and developed PND too. There is no way I want to go through all of that again but DH is a mummies boy and will do what ever she wants.

make sure you tell him, he loves you and although he may need time to lick his wounds for a while, he will see things from your point of view really, men just take their time to admit we are in the right!!! speak to him, better now than letting the moods and tension fester.

families hey!!! I spend my time saying I will never be like that with my kids ha ha! time will tell x
 
My mom is not happy with me because I told her they would not be staying. Last year, my daughter was born at 29 weeks 1 day. They came up and didn't leave. When she passed away (not from being a premie, but from trisomy 18) they did not lave. They stayed until the day of the funeral because they were "helping." Honestly, it was more stressful and it didn't give my husband and I space to grieve. When they left, my sister was up (although it was less stressful). I didn't eat more than a bite for a week, and after the funeral I could eat again. It was like the stress of having to say goodbye for the last time was too much. After the funeral, a friend, my sister, my husband and I got chocolates and ice cream and just hung out. It seemed weird to do, like I could see doing it after a funeral, but not something this personal, but it was what we needed. We laughed for the first time in a while. We cried when we needed, and at the end of the day we were able to be by ourselves again.

This time, we said no way. They can get a hotel, see their granddaughter, but we have earned some time alone with her. She will be born just before Christmas, so we will be seeing them for the holidays. They offer to watch her at night, and tend to her. It told them no. They don't get that after everything I am not going to part with this baby easily. I know how selfish family can make you feel. They make you seem unreasonable, but they are the ones being unreasonable. You are allowed to do what you want with your baby and your house. They abide by your rules or they are out.

I also told them they would be called after she is born, not when I go into the hospital. My mom protested, it will take two hours to get there. I explained it didn't matter, she would see the baby when she got there. She is upset because my MIL lives closer. They don't get alone and last time I heard complaints from both sides. So I said either they both act like adults or they are out. End of story. My husband will be having the same conversation with his mother when she gets back from her vacation.

It has to be about what you are comfortable with. You shouldn't feel like a prisoner in your own home or a like a baby sitter to your kids. Make the rules clear and make them agree to them. If they can't they best be booking a hotel.
 

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