I'm the worst mother in the universe :(

[emmyloves1991]

I shouldn't even be aloud that title, I feel so bad admitting this, i don't know whats wrong with me. I had my baby girl in May and i bonded with her really well. Through the pregnancy me and the father were on and off and after she was born, things kicked off i was about to move in his but three days after he found a text on my phone and thought that i had cheated which i hadn't and things just kicked off and we had a massive argument and my dad had to come all the way to Derby to come and get me and my girl, i was living in Birmingham at the time, after a few weeks we got in contact with eachother and he said the only way we're going to work is if i move up to Derby, so i did, here i am and its been a month, maybe you should read my past threads on here to get a picture of everything because i really cant be bothered to go all into it again.

I've suffered with depression since i was a teen, been in two psychiatric hospitals, counselling, the whole lot.
So here's how i feel now, up until now I've bonded with her, shes my world, i love her so freakin much, I've always wanted a baby and been scared that when i lost a baby in 2009 i wouldn't be able to have another one, i had tests because it made me so depressed of the thought that i couldn't have a child and i mean i was depressed, i was the lowest between 2009 and 2012, i couldn't be in the same room as pregnant woman, i envied them. i thought i'd lost my chance but behold i got my chance and now its here i feel kind of resentful towards her, WHY!!!! shes just a sweet, innocent, precious lil girl, she didn't ask for any of this.
Me and OH are back together now and i guess i feel resentful because OH is still living his life the way before we had her and i'm stuck at home with a baby that gives nothing back but cry in my face, needs feeding and changing and yeah it pains me to say that, why am i feeling like this, I've even been looking on adoption sites even, like what the hell, i'm so freakin ashamed and i love when MIL takes her to hers every other Tuesday and dread when it comes nearer the time shes coming back. OH i don't feel like his very helpful, he feeds her now and again when we meet up and coes over her then can go home and have a peaceful life while i go home and do the hard work, when it comes to buying stuff he only buys her milk and nappies every other month so i'm left to spend all of my money while he can still go round buying what he wants and i have to sacrifice and go without, he has it so easy i never ask him for anything, not even money, unless i'm really struggling.
Lately I've been missing when it was us two, late night at the cinema, doing what we wanted when we wanted, just getting out the freakin door, if getting myself out the door wasn't enough, but what did i expect when signing up for this, this is parenthood, this is what you do, i guess i'm having difficulty adjusting? I don't even know anymore. I miss when i used to stay at his and his friends used to come round and we used to hang out but now it doesn't seem he wants me there because i'm no fun, all because i have a baby or because there HIS friends, i don't know, i cant make sense of it, i just feel so left out Maybe i just need a break?
I just wish we had a routine, he has her one night a week so i can just be me for one day, one night, do what i want, feel like Emmy again to recharge my batteries and one night a month either my folks have her or his so we can just have one night without baby stuff going on and be romantic, just something so i can have something to look forward to but i guess thats a lot to ask for? maybe i should talk to OH how i'm feeling? but he might think i'm the worst human being alive which i am and not worthy of being her mother.
I'm thinking of joining mother and baby groups soon and OH wants to do parenting classes aswell, i guess thats the most positive thing out of this.
Maybe she would just be better off with parents that can't have children
I've even thought about killing myself because i feel so trapped, its the only way out, i just cant cope anymore, i just need some sleep, i'm so exhausted, i miss my family but i love my OH so much.


It feels so good to let this all out, if i didn't i would of screamed, also i feel so ashamed. I can normally talk to my mum about everything but this is so shameful because she loves Belle so much as i do. Do i suddenly have PND?

 

[sillysapling]

I've read some of the other threads- and, just, you do not deserve to be in that situation. Your daughter's father had NO RIGHT to ask you to move to him just to skimp on his duties. "Father's rights"? What about "Father's RESPONSIBILITIES"? From what you've said, he does no more to take care of his child than your average family friend. He is messing wtih your mind, which you don't deserve. Despite his completely falling down on the job of father, his family is trying to be completely overbearing and domineering about your life while disregarding your needs.

You moved to be more convenient for him, and he still barely helps you and cries to his mommy about how just listening to you talk about taking care of the baby is too hard. Your parents are able to visit you despite living so far away- he can find a way to visit you and his child in the same way. If he really wants to be in that child's life, let him work for it for a change.

You are NOT a bad mother. You are doing the best you can in a horrible situation. It's heartbreaking how little help you have. My partner is wonderful about childcare- we legitimately split work 50/50- and my dad helps out and we both still get so overwhelmed. Babies are hard work. You need all the support you can get and you do NOT need the stress those people are piling on you.

You don't deserve the situation that this man shoved you into. You do not need to put up with his mother.

Does the UK not have child support? You're taking care of the baby 90% of the time, he should have to help you pay for the child care costs.

You should really find out about the laws WRT that. The best thing for you would be to move back to where you have support, but if he can legally make your life hell- then that's a problem. Can you show that he drinks every night? Do you have any documentation of the time he was hospitalized? Find out how this works in your country.

Frankly, you never should have moved for him. He has done NOTHING to show he deserves it. All you are doing is giving in to him and bending over backwarsd for him and suffering because he doesn't want to step up. You've done everything you possibly can to give him the chance to step up and be a responsible father- and he's refusing to.

You are a mother. You need to put your child first. He should be putting his child first, like any good father would, and his refusal to shows exactly what kind of man and father he is. Get out of that situation.

(and, seriously, if you have ANY hopes for the relationship to continue: Stop. He is showing many signs that he will be abusive to you and possibly to your daughter. He is a drunk. He has an inflated sense of entitlement. He is refusing to take your needs into consideration. He is not the kind of man you deserve to be in a relationship with.)

 

[Misscalais]

Sounds like you have PND and its worth seeing your Dr about and getting some meds.
Babies are hard, but it does get easier, you will have a normal life again and time for yourself again.
Just remember she's only tiny for such a short time.
you don't have to suffer alone.